Man Shoots Thing

 The Daily Harbinger As reported by The Huffington Post in 2013

[some links may no longer be valid]

A truck driver has died after accidentally shooting off his own penis.

Geronimo Narciso had been drinking with friends in Pangasinan, in the Philippines, when he produced his gun and fired it twice into the air. 

Mr. Narciso was tucking the gun into his waistband after his friends implored him to put it away, when it fired into his crotch, the Huffington Post reported. 

The 37-year-old was rushed to a nearby hospital, but he was declared dead on arrival. The penis, however, made a clean getaway upon being separated from the man and is believed to be using a forged ID.

Though police say there are no signs of foul play, Narciso's family insist he neither owned a gun nor a chicken with which to be fowl and have requested further investigation. Witnesses, on the other hand claim that it was the penis who owned the pistol but that the victim, Geronimo Narciso, had wrestled it away after having had a few drinks.

Chrislann Farbo, one of the men who witnessed the incident is reported as stating, “It was horrible. Once the gun went off and the penis was separated and falling to the ground, we could hear it yell, "Geronimooooooooo!" Some of the boys take this to mean the penis regrets the entire incident. We hope it doesn’t get in trouble over this.”

SEE ALSO: Man, 70, Has Fork Removed From Penis (Includes graphic)

According to Inquirer.net, Senior Inspector Ryan Manongdo said a pistol with four live ammunitions and several spent shells were found in the area. 

Earlier this year a security guard in Trinidad and Tobago accidentally shot off his penis with an illegal gun. The Trinidad and Tobago Guardian reported the man survived the incident but was expected to be charged with illegal possession of a firearm and ammunition. Accidental penis shooting accidents were also reported in Florida, Arizona, and Washington in 2012 however, in the U.S., firearms cannot be considered illegal though possession of a penis is considered a criminal offense in some locations where penises are required to be disposed of when replaced by a firearm.

Authorities suspect that Florida penis shootings are not accidents.

Dr. Hubert Drone was not consulted for this article but insisted on stating, “The number of penis shootings by males is growing tremendously. This might be seen as an indication that men are becoming penophobic and expressing their fear of their own penises with violence. There is speculation within the mental health industry that this is highly likely Vladimir Putin's destiny. Despite claiming to be Russian, it is believed that Putin is in fact a Floridian. If I were counseling a man on this topic, I would say, ‘Don't be a penophobe. Learn to love your penis if you still have one’.  After all, we are each connected in some way.”

BREAKING UPDATE:

The huffingtonpost.co.uk has printed a retraction. The title of the story is not "Truck Driver Dies After Accidentally Shooting Off Own Penis" but is "Truck Driver Dies After Violently Jerking His Penis Off" and the authorities are now uncertain as to whether the incident was an accident.

Each source for the originally wrongly reported story are now claiming they do not exist.

Stay tuned or lubed or stoned. Whatever gets you through the night.

➖➖➖➖➖➖

Sadly, today’s news in 2020 contains another man versus penis incident. A man attempted to assassinate his penis. In the shooter’s defense, the penis was holding a knife to his scrotum. The shooter apparently was not well trained in use of the weapon and the penis escaped unscathed.

https://www.newsweek.com/man-shoots-himself-groin-showing-off-gun-supermarket-1533478
Backup link to a different source: https://katu.com/news/local/oregon-man-shoots-himself-in-groin-area-after-showing-off-gun-in-grocery-checkout

As your soul protector, it is my responsibility to recommend not to search the internet with the phrase “macon man shoots himself in the groin“.

Similar stories:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/gun-accident/jail-for-accidental-shooting-184963

https://www.cbsnews.com/sacramento/news/man-shoots-his-own-penis/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/michael-smeriglio-accidentally-shoots-own-penis_n_1871984

https://www.vice.com/en/article/gun-enthusiasts-celebrate-man-who-shot-himself-in-the-balls-as-their-king/

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Dead Man’s Debt

Dead Man’s Debt

Random person 1: "Jesus, help us!"

Jesus: "Okay. What's the problem?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus just died!"

Jesus: "Well, all things must pass. This is the way it is."

Random person 1: "But Lazarus owed me some money!"

Jesus: "Jesus Christ! That is a problem! Here, I'll bring him back."

Random person 1: "Thank you so much!”

Jesus brings Lazarus back. Lazarus looks like he just spent time in the ring with both George Foreman and Mike Tyson.

Someone steps out of the small crowd after shoving several bystanders out of his way.

Crowd shover: "Say, what the fuck's going on here?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus was dead, Man. But now, thanks to Jesus. Lazarus is alive again!."

Crowd shover: “Then what the fuck did I bother killing him for?"

Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

 Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

by Jack Human on Friday, May 4, 2012 at 12:16pm

A most unusual occurrence has taken place in the city of Lisbon. A microscopic worm attacked the city showing no signs of mercy.

The worm is an unknown species which, up until the attack, has been overlooked by incompetent scientists worldwide. Even at this time, there is some disagreement among members of the scientific community as to what exact species the worm is. Also unknown is the worm’s origin, its’ appearance, and whether or not it prefers Rodney Dangerfield over Richard Pryor.

The city of Lisbon itself seems somewhat complacent about the dreadful attack. Some of the city’s inhabitants attribute the source of complacency to the fact that the worm was microscopic and that not only was it invisible to the general population, but it caused no damage to anything other than itself.

It seems that the worm squirmed out from an alleyway at what scientists predict was a speed of three weeks per inch and headed directly for a group of tourists. As the worm worked its’ way into the second inch of its gruesome attack, the tourists all got on a jet plane and headed home due to the impending end of their vacations.

Before anybody knew it, the worm turned its’ attention upon a small dog. This, apparently, was a mistake which turned out to be deadly for the worm because, as it veered toward the dog, a lumbering drug addict passed by and stepped upon the worm. The worm was not killed immediately, however. It seems to have survived on the bottom of the drug addict’s shoe until the drug addict entered a filthy alley where he meant to make a drug purchase. As the addict approached the drug dealer, he stepped in a puddle of human urine, thus ending the vicious attack of the worm upon an innocent European city (that is, if Lisbon is even in Europe. I fear my editor is too cheap to buy a globe for the office).

Many people are left wondering, where did this microscopic worm come from? Are there more worms such as this one? Is this story even true? Well, I can’t answer any of these questions myself. If possible, we at this publication will locate an expert who can answer these questions and other questions like them.

For those who may be interested, the drug addict is doing fine and has returned to his job as an engineer on a train. The addict wishes everyone well who has shown concern for him and asks that his name not be made known to the authorities.

Byline by Jack Human

My Underwears

My Underwears

 

Hi, My name is Smike Mansmell and I want to share My Underwears with you.

I became a severe crackhead until I found God who refused to provide me with more crack unless I obtained the moral imperative that would enable me to coerce people better than myself to live within the confines of my personal belief system. God taught me how to lie to a bank to gain the funds which enabled me to open a manufacturing facility to mass produce a quality and much needed product I call My Underwears.

My Underwears are made from the toughest non-biodegradable materials and are designed with a safety device which expels flames at the slightest indication of a breach. My Underwears guarantees the absolute safety of the wearer.

According to the FDA, the WHO (the band and not the World Health Organization), those two kids I purchased beer for, and all scientists who agree with me, My Underwears is the best protection against infection, disease, and unwanted sexual advances for asexuals ever created in the entire history of the universe.

As is well known and has been thoroughly agreed upon by myself, My Underwears will create a clean local personal atmosphere around the wearer. Air, furniture, and even the clothing worn over My Underwears will be entirely clear of odor and particles of extraneous defecants (a word created just for this product) as well as non-contaminated with cells generally expelled by the filthy human groin.

My underwears is affordable and is the only product that will provide you with protection and dignity. Our flame enhanced decontamination system has the highest rating ever provided by the CDC.

So, if you are a decent person who desires to leave no trace of defecants or groin germs in what might be a beautiful planet if only it lacked a human presence, order My Underwears now!

Order now and receive a free pair of My Underwears for the low price of $170.00 that contains an unbreakable locking device for anyone you know who is in dire need of My Underwears but refuses to wear them.

Thanks to My Underwears and the filthy groined customers in need of it, I was able to create a successful business which allowed me to purchase and influence politicians of low moral character. God loves me, Man!

Order now! If you have neither the time nor the inclination to do so, My Underwears will happily apply a charge to your credit card for you!

877-myundys.

Take the Pill

Take the Pill

A man saw a Crestor commercial on television. Worried he might have a problem and not having seen a doctor for some years, he decided to see a doctor. The doctor had bad news and told the man his cholesterol was really high. The doctor said he would be prescribing a pill for the issue and that the man should take the pill each day.

The man responded, "Are you a fucking moron? I can't take the same fucking pill every day. Why don't you prescribe a bottle filled with pills and I will take a different pill each day?"

The doctor thought hard on what the man had said and wrote up a prescription for poison rather than Crestor though some people might consider them to be the same thing.

===================================================

Required follow up:

Now, what does the writer of this tale tell you about the man? Is the writer's view of the man favorable?

What is the writer's opinion of the doctor? Do you think the writer approves of the casual shirt the doctor had worn to his practice that day?

Do you believe doctors exist, or do you think the writer made them up?

Whom do you believe is correct, the patient, or the doctor?

Try writing a story similar to this. Then burn it because no one wants to see it.

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Billy Tudor’s Frosty Meltdown

 Billy Tudor’s Frosty Meltdown

"For Frosty the snow man

Had to hurry on his way,

But he waved goodbye saying,

"Don't you cry,

I'll be back again someday.”

We never saw Frosty again after that day. As the children grew up, several believed the entire episode had been a false memory of a game played with friends.

There were rumors that young Billy Tudor committed suicide when he was 25 because he couldn't bare to live without the resolution of Frosty's promise to be back again someday. Billy had become addicted to drugs at the age of 13. Some feel he could not handle the stress of fearing over Frosty's unknown fate. If only there had been a telegram or voicemail letting us know Frosty was still okay. As it was, none of us knew whether Frosty ever lost the hat again, or whether he made it in time to the North Pole. Some suspected Climate Change may have destroyed Frosty. Whatever it was that happened to Frosty once he skipped town, it was far too much for Billy Tudor to endure the uncertainty of simply not knowing.

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Newly translated by Rebis

Previously published in Hobo Pancakes March 1, 2015

Available in the archives:
Articles of Faith - isa hopkins (redwoodandbirch.com)

Judges 1

 Judah Takes the Lead

After Joshua died, the Israelites asked the Lord, “Who should lead the invasion against the Canaanites and launch the attack?” The Lord said, “No one. Invasion is wrong.” The men of Judah turned to their relatives, the men of Simeon who were known for their bright red butts and said, “Invade our allotted land with us and help us attack the Canaanites. Then we will go with you into your allotted land and give you STD's.” So, the men of Simeon went with them leaving the Lord to ask, “What? Am I speaking in tongues?”

The men of Judah savagely attacked the Canaanites and Perizzites and the Lord said, “What is your problem? Did you not hear me tell you invasion is wrong?” The men of Judah killed ten thousand men at Bezek before realizing that they now would never get back the money they had loaned out to them. They met Adoni-Bezek at Bezek and fought him over who would pick up the tab for the burials and, soon after, defeated the Canaanites and Perizzites at strip poker. When Adoni-Bezek ran away in humiliation, they chased after and captured him. Then they cut off his thumbs and big toes. Adoni-Bezek said, “Seventy kings, with thumbs and big toes cut off, used to lick up food scraps under my table. God has repaid me for what I did to them.” The Lord spoke, “Don't blame me for the actions of this pack of psychopaths.” The men of Judah brought Adoni-Bezek to Jerusalem where he eventually died due to his inability to pick up a fork without thumbs. The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem and captured it. They put the sword to it and set the city on fire once again leaving themselves homeless in the desert.

Later the men of Judah went down to attack the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev, and the lowlands. The men of Judah attacked the Canaanites living in Hebron. (Hebron used to be called Kiriath Arba but was changed because too many misspellings of 'Kiriath' caused problems with the local postal service.) They killed Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai for no particular reason and, from there, attacked the people of Debir. (Debir used to be called Kiriath Sepher until the mayor learned to read the town's welcome sign.) Caleb said, “To the man who attacks and captures Kiriath Sepher I will give my daughter Acsah as a wife.” The Lord spoke, "The name of the place is 'Debir’, and I do not advocate giving away women as prizes." When Othniel son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother, captured Debir, Caleb gave him his daughter Acsah as a wife. Othniel asked Caleb, "May I use her as a goat rather than as a wife for, seriously, I need the milk." To which Caleb replied, "No. Just shut-up and marry your cousin."

One time, Acsah came and charmed her father so she could ask him for some land and a flyswatter. When she got down from her donkey, Caleb said to her, “It's about time you got off your ass. What would you like?” She answered, “Please give me a special present as opposed to just a regular present because I'd really like a special present. Since you have given me land in the Negev, now give me springs of water to put out the fires the men keep starting.” So, Caleb gave her both the upper and lower springs and said, “Here is your water. Would you care for some figs with that?” Acseh replied, “No thank you, father. The last time I served figs to Othniel he beat me, for he fears them.” Caleb responded, “As he rightfully should.” The Lord pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger while shaking his head ruefully.

Now the descendants of the Kenite, Moses’ father-in-law, gathered up their golf clubs and went up with the people of Judah from the City of Date Palm Trees to Arad, the toughest sand trap in the desert of Judah, located in the Negev. They went and lived with the people of Judah who, though very gracious, often complained about the descendants of the Kenite whenever they were out of earshot.

The men of Judah went with their brothers, the diseased red butted men of Simeon, and defeated the Canaanites living in Zephath. They wiped out Zephath. So, people now call the city Hormah which, in the tongue of Judah, means Zephath. The men of Judah captured Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, and the territory surrounding each of these cities only to realize the cities had already belonged to them.

Despite having better places to be, the Lord was with the men of Judah. The men of Judah conquered the hill country, but they could not conquer the people living in the coastal plain, because they had chariots with iron-rimmed wheels, and the Lord was not about to give this technology to a bunch of cruel bastards. Caleb received Hebron, just as Moses had promised, and drove out the three Anakites to watch a new show opening in the theater district. The men of Benjamin, who had mistaken their loincloths for weapons, did not conquer the Jebusites living in Jerusalem. The Jebusites live with the people of Benjamin in Jerusalem to this very day despite the lease clearly stating no more than 4 occupants to an apartment.

End

A Suffering Syndrome

A Suffering Syndrome

After years of research, I have discovered an undocumented condition suffered by many people. It's called ASS: Anal Shift Syndrome.

Anal Shift Syndrome involves a person's anus becoming unanchored and floating about over the body most often coming to rest above the chin and below the nose where the mouth is located. On those times when the anus displaces the mouth, ASS is most easily identifiable as the individual will often be speaking shit. So, if someone is speaking shit, don't become angry.

Be compassionate. There is no cure for ASS. And you are better than they are. Much, much better.

If you suffer from ASS, tell your doctor. ASS sufferers are often unaware they suffer from Anal Shift and must be told. Patients who speak shit tend to disbelieve their diagnosis and are often in need of restraining and wiping. If you know of someone who suffers from ASS, and they cannot be convinced to seek medical assistance, notify the authorities and tell them the individual is armed and dangerous to others around them and society at large.

Just what choice is there?

Just what choice is there?

by Jack Human

I hear there's a law that says you cannot kill another person (unless your government asks you to). Well, that law has not prevented me from killing anybody. I choose to not kill. Murder is abhorrent as well as immoral to me. So, I have consciously decided to never kill anyone. To be honest, I'm too lazy to kill a person. Imagine the amount of work that goes into such an act. You decide on a victim, you may need to order some supplies, you have to decide on the method, and then, worst of all, you have to set your damned clock, so that you get to your victim in the time and place you planned for the deed.

Another issue is that no matter how well you plan to delete a person, there is a possibility of having to face them. Imagine that you decide to stab someone with a knife. You shove the knife in the person's belly, but that doesn't kill them. Now they are looking at you and asking, "Why? I just loaned you money last week?" and you're stuck having to explain, "Exactly. I used it to buy this knife and I don't want to pay you back."

I’d like to add that if I hadn't decided to not kill people, there would be a sizable body count. Part of my issue is that I would be stopped long before I finished my work, and I don't feel comfortable leaving important tasks unfinished.

And those are the reasons I choose to not murder a person. What are your reasons (if you have any)?

My ruined bath / the maytricks

My ruined bath

I was in the bath tub when the phone rang. It was Darth Vader. He was telling me how earlier, he'd been strangling some stupid official of the empire when he was hanging out at the Death Star. Vader kept laughing. Apparently he thought the incident was funny. I was wicked high, though, so when I was laughing, it was at the sound of Vader's voice. I kept thinking it was the phone talking to me and not someone at the other end of the connection. Eventually, I told the phone it was a jerk for disturbing my bath and I hung up on it.

I remember one time I was eating with Darth Vader and a huge clump of hot cheese dripped from his pizza and got on his breastplate. I didn't tell him and he spent the rest of the day wondering why people were staring at him. This was about 2 weeks after he disrupted my bath.

---

the maytricks

The Matrix is on. I'm wondering what Morpheus does in his off time. Does he play tennis? Baseball? He must do something. I would think he'd go crazy if he spends all his time thinking about the Matrix.

When old Morph offered Neo the two pills, one red. one blue, claiming that one pill would return Neo to his old life and the other pill would open him up to the truth, Neo should have taken them both so he could stay where he was. What's Morpheus going to do, run to the cops and claim that Neo ate all his drugs?

Just because you CAN wake people up from a nice orderly life and introduce them to the reality of garbage-dump world, does it mean you SHOULD do this?

"Relax. We're not going to give you pain killers while we stick these metal instruments into your body and do stuff, so relax. Pretend you're not here. Pretend you're in another place, a nice place, a place kind of like a matrix."

This movie of full of laughs.

The Crank Scenario

The Crank Scenario

I awoke. I wasn't quite happy about it. The last thing I remembered was having a conversation with the creature that dwells within my house. She may have drugged me. I don't know. I didn't care at this point anyway. I could tell I was in the cellar. The lights were off but some light was coming in the one small window that faced the street. It was enough light that I could see the washer and dryer. I was strapped down in what felt like an old style hospital bed. The kind of bed from before hospitals had computerized systems embedded into them. I was in a half upright position and my hands were cuffed to the rails on either side of the bed.

"I see you have awoken." She said and then turned a bright lamp on that was aimed right at my eyes.

"What's with the light, you fool? I know who you are.", I demanded as if I was running the show.

"Silence! You will not talk. You will listen and I will do all the talking.", she responded sharply and then continued. "I have torn your heart out and replaced it with a bomb. If you ever hesitate in performing any task I ask of you; you will die."

“That's an odd tact to take with someone who has suicidal tendencies.”, I responded.

"I told you to be silent!", she hissed while whacking me on the bridge of my nose with the pliers she'd used to tweak the bomb placed lovingly in my chest cavity. "I happen to know that you like to pee and will never allow any harm to yourself as long as you can stand while doing so."

'Damn it!', I thought. 'I never should have told her my hopes and dreams. Maybe this is what I get for having hopes and dreams in the first place. I was a fool to believe I could live my dreams. It's been a long time since I've had pizza too. I wonder if pizza has gotten any better in the past 15 years? I still can't eat it, though.'

"Stop thinking stuff!", she yelled. "Here's how it's going down. You will live to pee another day only as long as you do exactly as I tell you. Exactly! There will be no dawdling and no fooling around. If I suspect you are not working as hard as possible, I will blow a hole in your chest the size of your car."

"What if I ever get tired of peeing and decide to let the bomb go off?", I asked.

"You're an idiot." She replied, "You claim you want to die and yet you take your Lovastatin nightly to control your cholesterol levels."

I was frightened.

"My doctor told me to do it.", I whined, adding, "Is this even really necessary? I already do everything I'm told."

She tossed me a hacksaw. It landed on my belly. "I've long suspected that you have a plan to one day do as you like and not as you're told. Now I know for sure that day will never come. Now use that hacksaw to get yourself out of that bed. I expect the snow to be gone from the driveway within the hour."

She turned off the lamp which had been aimed at my eyes, walked up the stairs, and turned on the cellar lights before closing the door.

Suicide Insurance, real cheap, Man

Suicide Insurance, real cheap, Man

Buy This Policy or I will Kick Your Dog in the Teeth

Hi, I'm not Fred Thompson, but I was once his sports jacket,

Are you lonely? Bitter? Afraid of amphibians? Call me at Suicide Insurance Incorporated. I will sell you a suicide insurance policy like no other. It's easy and it works like this: You make me the beneficiary of your life insurance policy and then I will kill you. I'll make it look like an accident and you will have nothing to fear; you'll never see it coming and I will feel no pain. What do you get out of it? By making your death look like an accident, you will not go to hell for committing suicide. If you are unfortunate enough to be married, and even more unfortunate enough to have children, I will pass on a part of my winnings, I mean, insurance money, to the surviving members of your family*. If you merely have a dog, and not a family, I will feed your dog. Sign up now. The best suicide insurance this side of military service is waiting for you.

Think about it. The world is a nasty place full of germs and foods such as onions. Your cat won't talk to you. Your doctor hates you. You're finding it more difficult to afford all the alcohol you need just to make it through breakfast. And, if all that isn't bad enough, you're best known for smelling like a goat.

So why wait? Call now. Our operators are waiting. Don't make us come for you.

* Suicide Insurance Inc. is not responsible for family members that may be hurt or killed if I decide to kill you at specific times such as dinner time, family reunions, or while driving home from the dentist.


== ADVERTISEMENT FROM SUICIDE INSURANCE INCORPORATED ==

Announcer: 

Is your spouse ugly? Do armadillos follow you with bad intent? Does your mother expect you to call every Sunday? You may be in need of Suicide Insurance. If you want to kill yourself and are simply too lazy to do it, we can arrange to do it for you at a reasonable price. Once you're dead, you can rot with the satisfaction that you've had the best suicide policy available in today's market.

Are you able to kill others but not yourself? This policy already has your name on it. Simply call the number on the screen and our very friendly operators will be happy to take your call.

[Close up of an unidentified man]

Man:

"I was unable to kill myself and so I used that urge to kill others. My mother was ashamed of me, and my sister wouldn't take my calls anymore. But then, I discovered Suicide Insurance incorporated and, it didn't save my life, but it did save the lives of others. Suicide Insurance is now going to end my life and I don't have to lift a finger to do it myself. It's all in their hands now. They promised me a painless and peaceful death at a low convenient cost. Now I can truly rest in pea... AARRGGHHH! No! Help! Save me!"


Announcer: 

Oh my God! How did that wolf get in here? Well, in any case, I guess that double indemnity clause for 'death by wolf' really did come in handy. Who'd of thought?

So, please call the number on the screen now and put your worries behind you!

Daily Harbinger - Man Accused Of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For Fourth Time

Charles Marshall Accused Of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For Fourth Time

Charles Marshall

CINCINNATI — The City That Refuses to Sleep -

A Cincinnati man appeared in court on charges that he'd masturbated in public with a teddy bear.  This is the fourth time in two years that suspect, Charles Marshall, has been arrested for violating a Teddy Bear.

The first offense was in February, 2010. Marshall confessed to "engaging in masturbation with a teddy bear in a men's bathroom while texting."

Marshall was arrested once again nine months later for knowingly engaging in an indecent act. According to court records following that incident, despite being convicted, Marshall escaped punishment by arguing he did not knowingly commit an indecent act. He also asked that the prosecutor stop using words for which he did not know the meaning.

Pentagon vows to probe Saddam photos

                        Saturday, May 21, 2005

 

A headline of a story on the www.cnn.com world site proudly declares:

                        "Pentagon vows to probe Saddam photos"

 

The story revolves around the location at Latitude 33.339, Longitude 44.394, Elevation 41 m, Baghdad, Iraq, Asia, Eastern Hemisphere, Earth, Milky Way, Universe.   And approximately, this many people care about it: 6.

   According to the CNN website, the U.S. military says it will "aggressively investigate" how photographs of Saddam Hussein in captivity including one of the deposed leader in his underwear -- were released to a London tabloid.

Senior U.S. military sources followed this statement by declaring that the military did not give photos to The Sun -- nor would they give them to The Moon.   The release of the photos is proving to be more embarrassing and humiliating to the U.S. Military authorities than it is to Saddam since he's not the one who allowed the incident to occur.

Captain Fierce Bragg, who often associates with the notably evil Hussein when the captain's duties compel him to give Hussein a sponge bath and the excellent dye job that Saddam receives for his beautifully quaffed hair, has this to say,

   "I don't understand how a picture of Saddam (he allows me to call him Saddam) in his underwear could possibly have been taken inside of and released from this prison.   We've been probing and searching Saddam ever since the capture and we've never even seen his underwear.   We thought it would take us several more months to determine if he was wearing any underwear at all."

   "Whoever did this," Captain Bragg continued saying, "has undermined the faith that people have in the U.S. military.   They have made us all look like fools, except for Corporal Evans who refuses to wear the hat with the bells on it.    When Saddam hears this, he will be angry."

    The following day, Captain Bragg sent Private 1st Class William Peasley into the cell to inform Hussein of this latest disgrace to the image he carefully cultivated for himself over the past 3 or 4 decades.   An informant, I mean, source, claimed that Peasley was chosen because Peasley was considered expendable due to the impending date of his rotation out of service in Iraq.

The article at CNN states that According to the tabloid, U.S. "military sources said they handed over the photos in the hope of dealing a body blow to the resistance in Iraq."

There are several reasons to consider the motives that the military sources stated are not only doubtful, but full of jelly.

1.   The resistance in Iraq doesn't fight for Saddam Hussein.

2.   The resistance, like many of us across the globe, have been exposed to images that show Iraqis being far more degraded under the care of American and British soldiers than old man Hussein is in the pictures of him in his underwear. So why would that stir them up or bring them down?

3.   Now that the Iraqi insurgents have seen the picture of Saddam, they have become excited over the possibilities of getting their whites as white as the tighty whities worn by their former dictator. There's nothing more compelling to a fiendish pack of murderers than the thought of having the most perfect laundry in existence. If anything, rather than packing it in, the resistance will be energized into doubling their efforts to achieve the technology to attain true whititivity in their clothing and in their bedrolls.

4.   It is possible that the subject of the photos is not Saddam Hussein. Maybe the pictures were of the underwear itself and Sadman Hussein just by accident happened to be wearing them while the governments and media of the world had the underwear under surveillance.