Saturday, March 18, 2023

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Newly translated by Rebis

Previously published in Hobo Pancakes March 1, 2015

Available in the archives:
Articles of Faith - isa hopkins (

Judges 1

 Judah Takes the Lead

After Joshua died, the Israelites asked the Lord, “Who should lead the invasion against the Canaanites and launch the attack?” The Lord said, “No one. Invasion is wrong.” The men of Judah turned to their relatives, the men of Simeon who were known for their bright red butts and said, “Invade our allotted land with us and help us attack the Canaanites. Then we will go with you into your allotted land and give you STD's.” So, the men of Simeon went with them leaving the Lord to ask, “What? Am I speaking in tongues?”

The men of Judah savagely attacked the Canaanites and Perizzites and the Lord said, “What is your problem? Did you not hear me tell you invasion is wrong?” The men of Judah killed ten thousand men at Bezek before realizing that they now would never get back the money they had loaned out to them. They met Adoni-Bezek at Bezek and fought him over who would pick up the tab for the burials and, soon after, defeated the Canaanites and Perizzites at strip poker. When Adoni-Bezek ran away in humiliation, they chased after and captured him. Then they cut off his thumbs and big toes. Adoni-Bezek said, “Seventy kings, with thumbs and big toes cut off, used to lick up food scraps under my table. God has repaid me for what I did to them.” The Lord spoke, “Don't blame me for the actions of this pack of psychopaths.” The men of Judah brought Adoni-Bezek to Jerusalem where he eventually died due to his inability to pick up a fork without thumbs. The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem and captured it. They put the sword to it and set the city on fire once again leaving themselves homeless in the desert.

Later the men of Judah went down to attack the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev, and the lowlands. The men of Judah attacked the Canaanites living in Hebron. (Hebron used to be called Kiriath Arba but was changed because too many misspellings of 'Kiriath' caused problems with the local postal service.) They killed Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai for no particular reason and, from there, attacked the people of Debir. (Debir used to be called Kiriath Sepher until the mayor learned to read the town's welcome sign.) Caleb said, “To the man who attacks and captures Kiriath Sepher I will give my daughter Acsah as a wife.” The Lord spoke, "The name of the place is 'Debir’, and I do not advocate giving away women as prizes." When Othniel son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother, captured Debir, Caleb gave him his daughter Acsah as a wife. Othniel asked Caleb, "May I use her as a goat rather than as a wife for, seriously, I need the milk." To which Caleb replied, "No. Just shut-up and marry your cousin."

One time, Acsah came and charmed her father so she could ask him for some land and a flyswatter. When she got down from her donkey, Caleb said to her, “It's about time you got off your ass. What would you like?” She answered, “Please give me a special present as opposed to just a regular present because I'd really like a special present. Since you have given me land in the Negev, now give me springs of water to put out the fires the men keep starting.” So, Caleb gave her both the upper and lower springs and said, “Here is your water. Would you care for some figs with that?” Acseh replied, “No thank you, father. The last time I served figs to Othniel he beat me, for he fears them.” Caleb responded, “As he rightfully should.” The Lord pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger while shaking his head ruefully.

Now the descendants of the Kenite, Moses’ father-in-law, gathered up their golf clubs and went up with the people of Judah from the City of Date Palm Trees to Arad, the toughest sand trap in the desert of Judah, located in the Negev. They went and lived with the people of Judah who, though very gracious, often complained about the descendants of the Kenite whenever they were out of earshot.

The men of Judah went with their brothers, the diseased red butted men of Simeon, and defeated the Canaanites living in Zephath. They wiped out Zephath. So, people now call the city Hormah which, in the tongue of Judah, means Zephath. The men of Judah captured Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, and the territory surrounding each of these cities only to realize the cities had already belonged to them.

Despite having better places to be, the Lord was with the men of Judah. The men of Judah conquered the hill country, but they could not conquer the people living in the coastal plain, because they had chariots with iron-rimmed wheels, and the Lord was not about to give this technology to a bunch of cruel bastards. Caleb received Hebron, just as Moses had promised, and drove out the three Anakites to watch a new show opening in the theater district. The men of Benjamin, who had mistaken their loincloths for weapons, did not conquer the Jebusites living in Jerusalem. The Jebusites live with the people of Benjamin in Jerusalem to this very day despite the lease clearly stating no more than 4 occupants to an apartment.