Three Strikes Don’t Make it Right

 Three Strikes Don’t Make it Right

By Robot Fog

Several Police Officers watching video:

Officer Jaden: "That's our guy! We have him on video purchasing the goods we found at the crime scene."

Officer Rodriguez: "we have to find him. I mean, look at him. What the fuck kind of hairstyle is that? It's hideous and entirely disturbing! We cannot allow this man to remain free with that goddamn hair cut! There has to be a law, or at the very least, an ordinance against it."

Officer Jaden: "hopefully there's also a law concerning his murder of 3 people."

*** ADDENDUM ***

The criminal received 3 weeks in county jail for the murder of 3 people because the victims made fewer than $27,000 per year and were considered worthless.

However, the criminal also received

15 years because his actions prevented the victims from paying auto loans and credit card debt.

12 years because local companies had fewer stock to be used as wage slaves. This included the killer himself because he would be taken out of the wage slave force and be in prison.

37 years for the haircut which the prison would handle by shaving the law breaker’s head on a monthly schedule.

Memories of Jack Human

Memories of Jack Human

1.     Corn Friend

I was hanging out with my friend Corn Cobb. We were discussing my bro, Corn Pop. Corn Pop borrowed 3 bucks from me for some M&Ms but really used the bread for some twizzlers. I felt betrayed. 

Corn Cobb thought I should contact our mutual buddy, Corn Bread, who had an associate named Corn Muffin. It was at this time I told Corn Cobb that I felt I should just refer to he and his friends as “the corns”, however, Corn Cobb responded that he would be required by Corn law to pop my head off if I did so.

So Cobb called Bread who thought to contact Corn Stalk, Kernel Corn, Candy Corn and Corn Ear. Things might have gone well, however, none of us had considered an actual plan of action. Initially, we thought we should ask for the 3 dollars back, but then Kernel Corn insisted we take the twizzlers. I explained I don’t like twizzlers and Kernel said they would all happily trade me some Corn Whiskey for the twizzlers. This seemed reasonable to me so I agreed.

Candy Corn suggested we call her old friend Corn Syrup because Corn Syrup really liked twizzlers.

So we all went out front and waited for Corn Pop to arrive. We figured everything was going to be cool when Corn Pop appeared with his wife, Corn Meal, and their children, the Corn Flakes.

Corn Cobb asked Corn Pop for the twizzlers and Corn Pop replied, “fuck off, you cornfucker, this is between me and Corn E.” (Me). 

I said, “Pop it easy, Corn, Cobb is just trying to help. He’s got your cash. And soon I’m going to be hitting the bottle.”

Corn Pop said to Corn Cobb, “Sorry, Cobb. It’s been a tough day.”

So we made the exchange.

A memory by Jack Human

2.    Corn Sale

So I called my friend, Corn Beef. He said a guy named Ice Corn had a ride for sail. I said, “you mean, for SALE, Bro?” And he said no and why don’t I just shut the hell up and listen? Ice Corn was willing to trade his car for a real sail. He had a sail boat but he didn’t know the sail was supposed to be attached and it blew away.

I didn’t need no car but this chump, Corn Cube, did. Cube was a chump because whenever he wanted to take public transportation, he would pay for tokens instead of just scooting under the back of some stupid tourist’s wicked long rain coat and sneaking onto the train.

I brought Corn Beef over to meet with Corn Cube but Cube didn’t have no sail, though. He attempted to pass off a sheet as a sail but we all knew the difference because the sheet was a cheap 300 thread one and any fool knows sails are at least 800 threads.

Beef looked at me and said, “Hey, Corn E! You think Vanilla Corn will have a sail?” I said I don’t think so. Vanilla Corn didn’t like being on the water. All his vacations were in the dessert which explained his severe Hyperglycemia and general lack of funds due to daily vacations.

Corn Beef said I was useless as usual and that he was going to put an ad on Craig’s list. I suggested he be careful because I used the Internet once and someone tried to stalk me.

A memory by Jack Human

3.     Dollars for Dollars

I asked someone at work today (today is the day before tomorrow) if the vending machines take ten dollar bills. He said yes. That surprised me. I thought vending machines only accepted quarters.

I didn’t have ten $1.00 bills so I tried one $10.00 bill. I expected the machine to hurl it back in my face but it swallowed the bill despite the bill being defaced by the number 10.

I purchased a gluten free item. Later I discovered the item not only entirely lacked gluten but wasn’t even free. Anyway, the machine threw 8 coins at me. I yelled at the guy who told me to expect the machine to take ten dollars for lying about it and I whipped the coins at him.

Then I realized that tomorrow is the day after today.

A memory by Jack Human

Bad Lucker Trucker

 Bad Lucker Trucker

Today, just before I was getting ready to leave work, I heard a voice from the shipping dock downstairs. All it did was shout “Hello!” about 20 times. It was pretty irritating. I wanted to yell back, “If you can’t see any shippers, it’s probably because they went home, so shut the hell up!” I’m a polite person, though, and decided to just go home and, as I passed the screamer, tell him that if he couldn’t see anybody, it’s because he’s blind.

So I went downstairs, and the guy was holding a pallet jack handle downwards trying to prevent a pallet with about a ton of boxed steel goods in them from flipping over backwards. He said he’d been yelling for help and nobody could hear him. He never used the word ‘help’ once when he was yelling. He asked if I could help him but I figured, “This guy’s a trucker. Screw him and the truck he rode in on. Nobody needs truckers anyway”. But then I realized that if there were no truckers, no one would be filling grocery stores and my roommate would be sad because she couldn’t force me to eat food that I don’t like. She’d be entirely lacking joy.

So, out of concern over my roommate’s happiness, I went to help the trucker. He tried pushing the pallet from the back while I pressed down on the handle and tried to pull it but we couldn’t get anywhere. If no one pushed down on that pallet jack’s handle, the pallet would fall backwards away from the dock and probably into the truck.

But, surprisingly, I had a thought. We didn’t have time for me to continue daydreaming so I asked him to push down on the pallet jack handle and pull it toward hisself or himself or something. Then I grabbed two broken pieces of wood. Jammed them under the back of the pallet and lifted them up. This got the pallet to tip forward so it would roll back onto the flat shipping floor. 

That trucker was happy. He wanted to know where the shippers were because someone was usually there at 5:00 pm. I told him the shippers were known jerks who drank alcohol and had knife fights all day and I punched out and split.

Robot Fog

Pointless rambling about a Highway to Heaven

Tweet

Pointless rambling about a Highway to Heaven -

We (myself and someone other than you) have been watching "Highway to Heaven" lately. Generally, they are uplifting but the last several were insane. Jonathan, an angel, tends to abuse people. Sometimes he abuses the people he’s sent to help.

On one, the Angel, Jonathan Smith, kept telling an old man to act like a man. At one point, the old man was scared and felt bad and he ran off to die on his land. Jonathan and Mark found him and chased the guy up a rocky slope. The man fell and Jonathan thought it was a good time to give the poor guy another dressing down about how he's acting like a selfish jerk. "Nobody cares if you have dementia setting in. Get the hell up and act like a man!"

On yesterday's episode of Highway to Heaven, some kids were selling drugs and Mark decided to go undercover and record the kids breaking the law. They found his wire and the lead kid slugged him on the back of the head and injected him with a ton of cocaine. So I was thinking, "These kids aren't all that bad."

Anyway, Mark went into a coma. Jonathan, the angel, was pissed and went to yell at all the kids while they were gathered in an auditorium at the school. One of the kids, feeling guilty, left to use the boy's room, so Jonathan followed him in and pretended to be Mark. I'm thinking, "Hi, I'm a grown man following a teenage boy into a men's room."

There were no paper towels so the kid punched the paper towel dispenser and got a speech from fake Mark (Jonathan) about the sanctity of paper towel dispensers (I think this is where I wander into  'unreliable narrator' territory so I'll try to get back to what really happened).

The towel dispenser punching kid went back to the auditorium and screamed, "Towel dispensers are sacred!" No one cared so he yelled out who shot up Mark with the cocaine. The cocaine kid pulled a pistol from his pocket and ran out of the auditorium. I noted how easy it was to bring a gun into school in the 80's and thought maybe the teachers were passing them out with books and stuff. Too bad kids today ruined that whole scene so no one can bring arms to school anymore.

Cocaine Boy makes it to his car and drives off. Jonathan shows up in the passenger's seat and the kid freaks out, points his pistol at Jonathan, and fires. Apparently, angels aren't concerned with accidental drive-by shootings. Jonathan freaks the kid out further causing him to drive into a giant dumpster or something and the car explodes with the kid in it.

Jonathan stands in the flames looking righteous. Kind of like an angelic Satan.

So I started laughing my head off.

The stories this week were directed by Michael Landon, so he could have fixed them up. I'm assuming he was some kind of gender nazi by the way he demanded the old guy with dementia to be a man. The angel laughing at the exploding kid is pretty representative of the reagan years when it was decided that people cannot be redeemed. Especially if they do or sell drugs. Despite the kid attempting to murder Mark, you would expect an Angel to have compassion and prefer to see the kid incarcerated. It's one thing to be tough. It's another thing to be tough without love.

The old man in the previous story didn't need to literally be told to man up, either. The man could have been convinced in a much more compassionate way to take action in helping his grandson save horses. The story was about bringing a family together.

A show earlier in the week had Jonathan 'helping' a kid get over the death of his father by lecturing the boy on growing up or something.

Jonathan:  "You have to be a man. Your father would have wanted it that way."
Kid: "B-b-but I'm only 7 years old, you dick."

There’s an episode in which God told Jonathan to do a job so Jonathan became angry and broke open a liquor store window and whipped the bottles at a theater Marquee for the film "Heaven Can Wait"

I'm wondering who the hell took those stories seriously enough to learn and become better people from them.

🎵