Broken Rails

 Our intrepid crew

Jack, in his box

Jack Human was born only once. He is 8 inches, 5 feet tall. I once asked him why he wore a coat and he responded, "Because I'm human, Robot... because I'm human... and it's winter... and, it's none of your business... and, please get off of my lap." Had I emotions, I would have wept at the sincerity with which he delivered this apt response.

Jack has traveled the world and has seen many things of which he will not speak. Despite coming across as a worldly and cultured man, Jack has his wild side and has even spent time in jail for attempting to fit inside a kangaroo's pouch at a famous California zoo. He was later pardoned when it was argued by his attorney that attempting to fit inside a pouch was not the same as actually being inside the pouch and, as such, was not a punishable offense. At least, not in Cambodia. Ten days later, the kangaroo and Jack were formally wed in a ceremony that involved biscuits and a cape.

It has been said of Jack that he also once took a shower. This has yet to be verified.

Robot's Rampage

Robot Fog was created by a rogue international agency. His original purpose was to blend into human society and report back to his creators who just happened to be jerks. Robot, however, was unimpressed with the agency's overall tyrannical goals and never bothered to report back to his degenerate creators who he believes are working on methods of spying on each and every individual on the planet Earth, for no other reason that they are paranoid, hypocritical, insensitive, often balding, control freaks, and they wear really bad suits.

He writes for this site because he fears no one, which isn't saying much, and because he lacks human emotion. Robot does, in fact, favor freedom over tyranny for the puny humans he chooses to live amongst (except, perhaps, for that man crouching by your car licking a headlight).

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Dick and his Dribble

Richard Dribble, also known as Dick because he's a right brutal bastard. And a dick.

Dick joined us when he entered our office without invitation and threatened to smear us with a gross slice of pizza. None of us could stand the thought of being smeared and had forgotten the number to call 911, so we played along hoping the dick would get bored and leave the state. He didn't.

Dick is utterly evil and is the psycho who places the ads on this site despite our policy to not have advertisements and not one ad ever bringing in a penny of revenue. He fancies himself a corporate star climbing the ladder to success and also cannot convince one single person to touch him when he is unclothed. 

My Underwears

My Underwears

 

Hi, My name is Smike Mansmell and I want to share My Underwears with you.

I became a severe crackhead until I found God who refused to provide me with more crack unless I obtained the moral imperative that would enable me to coerce people better than myself to live within the confines of my personal belief system. God taught me how to lie to a bank to gain the funds which enabled me to open a manufacturing facility to mass produce a quality and much needed product I call My Underwears.

My Underwears are made from the toughest non-biodegradable materials and are designed with a safety device which expels flames at the slightest indication of a breach. My Underwears guarantees the absolute safety of the wearer.

According to the FDA, the WHO (the band and not the World Health Organization), those two kids I purchased beer for, and all scientists who agree with me, My Underwears is the best protection against infection, disease, and unwanted sexual advances for asexuals ever created in the entire history of the universe.

As is well known and has been thoroughly agreed upon by myself, My Underwears will create a clean local personal atmosphere around the wearer. Air, furniture, and even the clothing worn over My Underwears will be entirely clear of odor and particles of extraneous defecants (a word created just for this product) as well as non-contaminated with cells generally expelled by the filthy human groin.

My underwears is affordable and is the only product that will provide you with protection and dignity. Our flame enhanced decontamination system has the highest rating ever provided by the CDC.

So, if you are a decent person who desires to leave no trace of defecants or groin germs in what might be a beautiful planet if only it lacked a human presence, order My Underwears now!

Order now and receive a free pair of My Underwears for the low price of $170.00 that contains an unbreakable locking device for anyone you know who is in dire need of My Underwears but refuses to wear them.

Thanks to My Underwears and the filthy groined customers in need of it, I was able to create a successful business which allowed me to purchase and influence politicians of low moral character. God loves me, Man!

Order now! If you have neither the time nor the inclination to do so, My Underwears will happily apply a charge to your credit card for you!

877-myundys.

Robot Fog's Shorts (unwashed)

Robot Fog

Hi, Robot here. I don't really need to introduce myself because I'm standing next to you.

Now look at the crappy graphic to the right and move on.

In reverse order:

30.

I fully intend to one day build a ladder to the stars and douse them one by one.

29.

Google stole my underwear and shared it with deranged phishers.

28.

I'm no longer interacting with humans, so I'm only sending out empty email messages.

27.

If you, like many people, are covered in corpses, you may be experiencing World War III. Notify your doctor if you are suffering from banned biochemical weapons, radiation poisoning due to exposure to a nuclear bomb or bombsite, shark bite, lead poisoning from bullet wounds, damaged organs due to torture, food poisoning, malnutrition due to lack of a reliable food source, and any other abnormal or irregular health issue due to the actions of cruel dishonorable tyrants and psychopaths.

26.

I’ve been farming humans for several decades now. I began as a ranch hand tossing them pasta and doughnuts to fatten them up. Eventually I got to drive them to slaughter which was pretty cool because I didn’t have to look at their stupid faces while they were packed in the back of the truck. 

Now though, I’m working in the office and managing shipments from the ranch to slaughter and packaging facilities. Sometimes when a ranch hand is out sick, I go out and toss the filthy beasts some syrupy pancakes and carrots. The carrots are for vitamins. You can’t fatten humans on junk food alone. You don’t want a scurvy product. The market won’t tolerate it. The best you can do is to sell the degraded meat to pet food manufacturers or use it to feed your own beasts. Not the ones you breed. You have to be generous with your human breeding stock.

25.

An assfaced loser is on a midtown rooftop taking shots at people. The authorities are clearing the street before anyone is hurt. An officer is bravely carrying a young child along with the child’s dog to safety.

Once they are off the street and inside a building, the child asks the officer: “Why’s that man on the roof trying to kill people?”

Officer: “Have you ever met people?”

24.

WANTED: AQUAMAN

For sleeping with the fishes

23.

January 2020.

The CDC says more people have died smelling their own ass than have died from the Coronavirus

22.

New research shows older pregnant women are older than younger pregnant women. Science jerks are still trying to figure out why this is.

21.

Many people who’ve been in an accident have their underwear ripped off every day by medical staff in a local hospital.

If you’re in an accident and hurt badly, crawl into some bushes and avoid the paramedics.

Your underwear will thank you and you will retain your dignity

20.

Happy Kilmore was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to debt. 

The judge meant to say "death" but had his financial troubles on his mind and misspoke. Unfortunately for Happy Kilmore, the sentence had to stand as stated and could not be corrected. He found himself immediately released from custody with the responsibility of paying all the bills for everyone ever born.

19.

Computers are taking up 67,098,566 pages of my suicide note.

18.

Show: Charlie’s Angels

Episode: “Angel in Love”

Aired: 1977

Hildy Slater runs Utopia West, a human potential enterprise/resort. When her nephew Frank, a Vietnam vet, is murdered on site, she calls the Townsend Agency to solve the crime because police departments didn’t exist in the 1970’s.

17.

A form at the Registry of motor vehicles:

Have you had any accidents while driving in the last two years?

Me:

I never drive without intending to have an accident

16.

Every day in North America, dozens of people are murdered…

We welcome tourists

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15.

I watched Blood Simple last night (1984) and there was a scene with a real gas station. I think the gasoline was $1.04 per gallon. I’m not sure I can read Texan.

All I could think of were the crybabies now who weep uncontrollably for each penny the price of gasoline rises despite the fact that they can save money by not driving all over the continent and the fact that, for every mile they drive, they cause the amount of fossil fuels to decline more quickly.

Signed,

Robot, Hater of humans

14.    A poll:

Shhh. The Poll begins:

Question:     Does your dick touch your butt?

A. - Yes

B. - No

C. - I don’t have a dick.

D. - I don’t have a butt.

E. - That’s between me and my doctors and the law prevents them from talking.

F. - My dick used to touch my butt until it was eventually convicted for it.

G. - My dick will touch my butt once I cut it off and drop it in the back of my underwear.

H. - Sadly, My butt touches my dick.

I. - I’m going to touch your face with my butt.

J. - My dick touched my butt once but my butt began to run.

13.

Foog Scriggleman was feeling great. Things were looking up. He had just discovered that if he met someone who liked him and they dated for at least 3 years, he might have sex. The last time he had sex was 5 years ago when he had been trapped on an elevator alone for three minutes.

12.

On Wheel of Fortune tonight, a woman contestant said, "your face is a pile of shit, Pat"

Sajak became pissed and told the woman to get the hell off the stage and out of the studio. She was crying but she left.

Then Pat turned to the audience, "well that game was ruined by that disgusting and rude woman. Vanna, please turn the letters over so we can see what the puzzle was before moving onto the next one"

When the letters were turned, the phrase said "your face is a pile of shit, Pat"

11.

There should be no more than 10 people living on any one continent.

10.

Once-daily ANORO is a prescription medicine used to treat chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).

Do not use Anoro if you have no Anoro.

* having no Anoro may cause a lack of Anoro.

** Anoro is affordable if you have the cash.

*** Buy no Anoro, get no Anoro free.

9. Lab Menace

The pizza box was sprayed with a fine layer of urine which does absolutely nothing to help in revealing fingerprints or recovering DNA. The lab technician was fired.

8.

The first 1 minute of Batman vs Superman made me laugh at the Waynes being murdered.

So, I’m thinking the rest of the film isn’t going to happen for me.

Maybe someday, an adult will make a Batman movie where we don’t have to see Bruce’s parents die for the 9 millionth time.

It did help that I enjoyed seeing Negan get shot. I’ve been wanting to stab him myself for several years.

So, does this turn you on?

Adults. Do they exist?

7.

Remember that time Commander Taylor set off the Alpha and Omega weapon? Why didn’t the jerk do it before traveling into the future?

If you don’t know who Taylor is, maybe you should try reading some history books

6.

A large group of turkeys crossed the road when I was driving another machine home. I stopped when I saw that only several of the group had crossed my side but there were many more in a yard that wanted to cross. I wouldn’t have stopped if it had been people but these were turkeys. The turkeys remaining in the yard checked that I had really stopped completely then stepped in front of my car and continued crossing. Turkeys trust me and I trust them.

There were 18 birds. I can only count up to three so I counted three turkeys at a time six times. I think. I had run out of fingers to count on.

It was soothing. I hope they enjoy themselves.

5.

I didn't have my phone and I've been trying to figure out the date today but when I ask people, they say, "Happy Independence day" or "It's independence day".

Well they can all go to hell. I just want to know the fucking date.

4.

Obit for Hans

Hans Gruber was a friend of mine. He tried to rob a skyscraper of $640 million in negotiable bearer bonds so he could have more money. Hans deserved more money in his life. He was killed by a shoeless cop. Hans, you are forever with me despite the fact that you weren't going to share your robbery money. Hang down yer heads, folks. Hang down yer heads for Hans Gruber.

3.

Being Borg must be good. There's never-ending work and you can modify yourself to better meet the needs of the tasks you perform. Some people say they prefer "free will". Free will is a fallacy. You wake up in the morning and have to decide whether to shower or to eat first. And, thus, the ever vaunted 'free will' is reduced to a decision between grooming and sustenance. Flesh machine maintenance is for chumps.

2.

The real reason there is no plan B is that the people of the A-team don't know what letter follows the letter 'A' in the English alphabet. Do not hold them responsible, however, for they are merely products of the American school system.

1.

I think kids should be referred to as 'kiddles', you know, like puddles, but messier.

Jack Human's First Shorts

 As opposed to real ideas, this page is designed to express my thoughts.

Jack Human

In reverse order:

30.

One time I had a glove and it had jewels in it. I thought it was all groovy so I snapped my fingers but then half my toes and nipples disappeared.

29. Pizza be with ye, Bro.

Compassion for all but those who lack compassion.

Judge none but those who judge

No mercy for the merciless 

Pizza

World Pizza

28.

If I have kids, or trick a woman into having them for me, I’m going to make their legal last names “Chump”.

Then other parents can make statements such as:

“You better not be hanging around with that Chump.”

“Stay the hell away from those Chumps.”

“I’ll take your phone away if I catch you talking to that rotten Chump.”

“Get the hell out of my yard, Chump!”

27.

I have an idea for a contraption I refer to as the "horseless carriage". The problem is that I can see the idea working without most of the horse but it looks like I'm going to have to utilize horse legs in order to propel the vehicle. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and take the legs off of my horses. We'll see how it goes. The "Mostly horseless carriage". It just might work.

26.

Up until the 1980’s, perhaps the 1990’s, you could smoke cigarettes on a plane but you couldn’t use a cell phone. Now you can use your cell phone but you can’t smoke cigarettes. I think you can smoke cigars but no one does because now you can’t carry a goddamned knife on the flight to cut the end of the cigar off.

Airlines are run by jerks

25.

Your constant war cries do nothing more than make me determined to take you down. By the way, they also let me know your position.

24.

I live my life a quart of milk at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the bowl. Not the cereal. Just the milk. For those 3 seconds. I'm free.

23.

I was imagining famous people with no clothes on. Then I got dressed and took a shower.

22.

A woman in the supermarket today had 4 children possibly under the age of 4 along with her. Two children walking and two inside the shopping cart.

I expected to hear someone page, "overpopulation in aisle 20".

21.

Do.

Don't do.

Do do.

Make up your shitty mind!

20.

I have a terribly grotesque growth on my head. When I see it, I become nauseous and vomit violently. The doctor calls the growth a face

19.

I wish my imagination were big enough that I could merely be a figment of it.

18.

Never having had children of my own, sometimes I'll see other people's children and wonder whether I should take one.

17.

I changed my will so the only person who receives my grand fortune is the one directly responsible for my death.

16.

Murphy’s Law - movie 1986, or 1896? Starring Charles Bronson.

Charles Bronson hurls groceries at the windshield of his stolen car. Shitty 80’s production and soundtrack causes you to wish you were a can of tuna in the grocery bag rather than experiencing the movie.

Also: Murphy's law is a U.S. senate proposal to make it illegal to refer to any movie/video production from the 1980's as film.

15.

Romey Crep, Carl Killion, Tush Lee, and Onie Hager walk into a bra. The bratender says, “If’n yer looking for booze, all we got in here is milk!” Onie’s cow busts into the bra, kicks the bratender in the face and says, “Moooo!”

14.

I remember paying about $1.25 to see a movie when I was a kid so that’s still all I give them when I go to the theater.

13.

Handguns are interesting in organized shooting tournaments and general shooting at targets, and then bringing home so's the children can shoot up their schools and each other.

One time I removed my pants and there was this freakish thing wiggling between my legs so I shot it. I feel much safer now.

 Alternate story at https://www.brokentrains.com/2022/11/man-shoots-thing.html

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12.

Yesterday someone gave me a speech about democrats wanting gasoline to be $10.00 a gallon. I said no they don’t want that but I do. Today I’m adding “if it means you can’t afford to drive here and say this junk”

Now, imagine you’re in another dimension and the word junk is another way of saying the word shit. Now, get the hell back to your own dimension.

11.

"I just want my jizz back"

says Frank "Jizzyhands" Short.

He is forlorn and his jizz socket is empty

10.

I tested my blood. It was a bit tangy. I'm going to check my urine now.

9.

If you ask me, Porky is a pig

8.

I've decided to abandon the zombies in the upcoming apocalypse and side with Caesar's apes.

7.

I wanted to turn off my computer. So, I removed my shirt.

6.

I am getting even better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else. Soon, I will be capable of dialing a phone with… 

my hand!

5.

Why are so many of you on this site so often? God! Why don't you just get a life. If you'd like to get a life, mine's available and bidding begins in one hour at $20.00 American dollars. The merchandise will be sold 'as is'.

(I misspelled few as many)

4.

I am thinking someone should create a site for drunks and name it FacedBook.

I'm considering starting a site named FaceRift. People will all get together in small friendly groups and families, then some drama will cause a rift in the relationships.

3.

When I was a cop investigating homicides, I used to show up at crime scenes when I had a cold. I recall sneezing all over evidence while examining it. Eventually I realized sneezing was why I turned up as a major suspect in 17 out of 23 crimes I investigated but I had a job to do. Families of the victims needed closure, so I continued to report to work while sick. When I was about to retire, I received an award for being cleared of homicide charges more than anyone else on the force.

2.

I done been thinking I am a genius.

How do I know this?

People often whip darts at my head. They know I’m smart enough to get the point.

Hatari!

1.

I was at my Health portal to prepare for a Doctor's visit and it lists some of my issues. I saw Nocturia and didn't know what it is so I clicked on the information link and it came up with:

"Urinary Problems During Pregnancy"

I didn't even know I was pregnant and my doctor never even told me. It was recorded in 2018 so I've been pregnant for at least 6 years.

Fight the Shorts!

by Jack Human

I remember being naked when I was born. I felt groovy and everything was cool but then, some jerk placed me on a table and stuck thick tiny shorts on me. It pissed me off so I crapped and pissed in order to make the person take the unnatural trash off me.

I succeeded. The filthy shorts were removed. I thought I was free and dared to smile. Alas! I was wrong. Another pair of stupid shorts were placed upon me. Pinned! I was trapped.

This cycle continued until one day, I grabbed some covering of my own. A lighter pair of shorts and some pants. My plan was to cover myself in order to prevent the psycho from throwing me down on the table and continuing the cycle of abuse. Since I knew the monster was driven to gather my feces and urine, I stopped pooing and peeing while wearing my restricting rags. I figured someday I would be free and could go back to being naked all the time again.

However, I had unwittingly started another cycle whereby it had become an ingrained routine keeping myself covered all the time.

I tell you this because I want to prevent others from having their lives destroyed. So, if someone throws you on a table and attempts to pin thick shorts on you, FIGHT! KICK! PUNCH! CRY! Do anything you have to do to stay proudly naked.

Side notes and observations:

• If you don’t have a mask, wear pants over your face.
• Punch the wind if it tries to blow you.
• Eat elephant feet only if the elephant agrees.
• Cabbage might taste good but you don’t want to be seen in public with it.
• Empty the gas tank of your vehicle before driving in order to save fuel.

A Suffering Syndrome

A Suffering Syndrome

After years of research, I have discovered an undocumented condition suffered by many people. It's called ASS: Anal Shift Syndrome.

Anal Shift Syndrome involves a person's anus becoming unanchored and floating about over the body most often coming to rest above the chin and below the nose where the mouth is located. On those times when the anus displaces the mouth, ASS is most easily identifiable as the individual will often be speaking shit. So, if someone is speaking shit, don't become angry.

Be compassionate. There is no cure for ASS. And you are better than they are. Much, much better.

If you suffer from ASS, tell your doctor. ASS sufferers are often unaware they suffer from Anal Shift and must be told. Patients who speak shit tend to disbelieve their diagnosis and are often in need of restraining and wiping. If you know of someone who suffers from ASS, and they cannot be convinced to seek medical assistance, notify the authorities and tell them the individual is armed and dangerous to others around them and society at large.

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

you can see where it all kind of falls apart

=========================

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

You fill the air with a gaseous stink

You ain’t as smart as your mommy thinks

Your audience is made up of ineffectual finks

Radio gasbag, you make us gag

 

Radio gasbag

You fill the air with hate filled lies

Shout your tropes until justice dies

call your shit free speech in disguise

Leave others to pay the price

 

Radio gasbag

You’re ugly in all the wrong places

Heartless and greedy and exceptionally shapeless

You leave trails like a slug in slime

the pollution you spew is an oral crime

Someday your gassy ass will do the time

 

Radio gasbag

Get your Viagra pills together

Your toys are being delivered

The law turns its myopic blind eye

Because you are a wealthy guy

 

Radio gasbag you’re gonna burn in hell

along with your followers, it’s just as well

Radio gasbag, you make us gag

with the sewage you sell

 

words shoot from your hole 

as ammo aimed at young and old

You poison good people just for pay

It’s all a gag you like to say

why don’t you shut your fat greasy hole?

You broadcast diseases from your soul

One day your fat heart will explode

no one will miss you, you won’t leave a hole

You’re a narcissist and only you love you

You’ll be forgotten by history

So we have that to look forward to

another time, flatlined:

“I am all the gas you need!” – shouts the radio gasbag. He is a bloviating pile of feces. His audience feeds off his narcissistic sense of certainty.

The audience throws their love to the gasbag.

Filled with poisonous methane, the gasbag puffs himself up like a puffer fish but he is not cute, nor is he harmless as his hatred and lies fly through the skies.

Radio gasbag talks a bunch of hash jabbering like a brain damaged dodo bird triple-chinned and unable to defy gravity. His shirt pocket is filled with Viagra as he awaits the toy for which he’s paid and he’s looking forward to a night of boyous joy. On the job, his mouth won’t stop yapping and his fist won’t stop pumping his microphone full of rancid lies and bloviating self-humping. Poisonous gas leaks from the anal mouth-hole on the gasbag and infects his studio audience. The fans think he’s being outrageous but he’s really being contagious. Radio gasbag. Listen here, Mr. Gasbag, you ain’t as smart as your mommy thinks you are. Your mouth is an explosive sewer hole. A dumping ground of hazardous material. Outhouse. Latrine. Used diaper. A fetid nest of flies.

Radio gasbag

You’re ugly in all the wrong places.

Heartless and greedy and exceptionally shapeless you leave trails like a slug in slime the pollution you spew is an oral crime Someday your gassy ass will do the time One day your fat heart will explode, and no one will miss you. No one will miss you.

No one has missed you.

Discorde of the Concorde

Robot Fog 

July 18, 2019

  · 

There was a movie made called The Concorde: Airport ‘79’

It’s got George Kennedy who could do no wrong, which you would know if you were wearing peanut butter.

The inside of the Concorde is the size of a phone booth. For young people who hadn’t existed 700 years ago, a phone booth is a vertically standing glass coffin people used to stand inside of in order to make phone calls while experiencing how cramped and alone they may feel at their funeral.

There really was a letter ‘e’ on the end of “Concord” in order to differentiate between the town and the flying machine. This was necessary due to the vast number of people who assumed the town of Concord would transport them across the Atlantic Ocean.

For young people, flying machines don’t exist. Real machines will merely teleport to wherever they really want to be.

The Atlantic Ocean is a telecommunications company known for utilizing sound waves in a manner which would end with the individual wishing they were in a coffin.

The Possible Adventures of Duck Rubberson

by Jack Human

This is a story about a possible story.

Confusing? Get used to it

I'm probably going to forget this in 12 seconds so I'm writing it now. Live!

I have an idea for a character named Duck Rubberson. It is supposed to be a series.

The first story is an origin story where a duck is flying innocently through the sky and hears a duck call. Answering the duck call, the duck is shot by ex-television personality, Phil Robertson. As the buckshot tears through the innocent duck's body, lightning strikes and connects the duck to Robertson electrically and combines their molecules and DNA.

Thus is born Phil "Duck" Rubberson who goes on a weird rampage. [this is where a lot of weird things happen that I forgot] The duck's mother asks someone to help her son and the duck is separated from Robertson, but the duck still has a beard and a hat. And can speak English (better than Robertson) heh. No one cares what condition Robertson is in considering he tried to assassinate the duck to begin with.

FROM THIS TIME ONWARD:

The stories are titled "Furthering the Adventures of Duck Rubberson" and they revolve around the bearded duck. Robertson is generally out of the picture unless he becomes Duck's villain.

I considered trying to draw this but I can't draw. I had a whole dialog with the duck's mother and Phil "Duck" Rubberson when he was on a rampage, but that is gone now, for you see, I am old and my brain cells frail.

Traffic Blight

 Robot reporting here.

I was riding another machine, which sounds obscene but, I swear, it wasn’t like that despite the wonderful vibes I enjoyed. I pulled up to a red light and hadn't had time to look around before turning right on red when some dink pulled up behind me in a truck and started honking their horn. So I stopped even checking for traffic and stayed at the corner. I could see them waving their hands and arms around as if they were going to have a stroke, which I would of been happy to see. No one tells me how to drive. Horns should only be used in emergency situations. The truck driver backed up a couple of feet and drove through the Gulf station parking lot while I waved good-bye.

I drive a hatchback, so I can't see over the vehicles when they are next to me in the left lane. I have to inch forward to see if it's safe to turn right on a red light. I'm not even pissed, just thinking how humans ain't got no manners no more.

Robot Fog

Robot's Ideas

 Robot's Ideas

Hey everybody, (except you),

What's coming off? I've been working on some things that I believe will be helpful. Here's my list.

1. Create a hotline and plenty of advertisements for the hotline. The hotline is aimed at people who fantasize about committing crimes. It seems that there are people who fantasize over and over about committing a crime. Sometimes, the fantasy is a violent one, sometimes it isn't. Maybe some victims (and the courts) would be spared if someone were to see an ad that was to prompt them to call and talk to someone before acting out their fantasies or compulsions. This applies to all uncommitted crimes excluding taking a selfie while sitting in a car which, upon admission of desire, will result in instant incarceration.

2. Find a way to turn sand into water. Sand is just made out of stupid molecules, not one of which has ever completed grade school. It seems reasonable that it could be deconstructed at the molecular level and, if there's hydrogen and oxygen in there, it could be reconstructed as water. The remaining molecules could just be thrown out, although, I'm certain there are people who'd like to send them to their congressperson.

3. Create Vegetables that can grow in the desert nearly, if not exactly, as well as cactus plants do. I believe there are humans who, at this very moment, are wasting their time in strip clubs when they could contribute the time to the study of botany and climate.

4. Travelers can stay at a fire station, homeless shelter, or some other public facility in order to contribute their non-business time to helping others. This may provide a small number of volunteer travelers enough leeway to escape going to hell like 98.998 percent of humans ultimately will.

5. Christmas could be made nondenominational so that all religions can be included. It could be called Observance day. The intention with this idea is not to minimize Jesus or the faith his followers place in him. The point is to get even more people to gather for spiritual reasons and to bring a greater diversity of faiths together at the same time despite referring to their deities by different names. The heart of the matter is to encourage a greater respect for your differences.

Then, at a later date, I could be burned for heresy.

6. Stop eating other mammals, you miserable savages. This applies if you are NOT in a life and death situation. One day, every human who unnecessarily devours another mammal will be put on trial.

Fast, Slow, Shut-up and let me get some sleep

Fast, Slow, Shut-up and let me get some sleep

Hey everyone. Jack Human here. I just want you to know that I love you all, and am thinking of all of you even if you can't see it in your hearts to pass me a half a tuna sandwich or allow me the simple comfort of spending one or two nights sleeping in your car.

Today's story begins with the discovery that automobiles have wheels. Since this discovery, my editor has decided that maybe I should go out into the real world rather than staying under my own desk making up facts concerning stories about things that I know nothing about. Personally, I believe this to be simple office politics. However, wanting to collect an actual paycheck this week as opposed to the IOUs I've been receiving and that are now stacking up higher upon my desk than the many years of awards that I have won through my own hard work at stealing from others, I decided to go out today and bring down the MOB. Not the criminal mob that we are always hearing about and are always watching being maligned in the news. The mob I was after was the mob of idiots who go far out of their way to purchase vehicles, or to purchase good wheels for their vehicles, when they know that this will just make them more demanding and possibly even more dangerous on the road.

I have discovered in my many years of reporting the news (rather than having to live a life like everyone else), that a great many people use the roadways in our communities. I have often seen drivers speeding along at ridiculous and uncalled for speeds (burning rubber, you might say), sometimes, they do the opposite and run their powerful vehicles at a snail's pace until a loud commercial on the radio awakens them upon which, being jolted, they humorlessly spill their excessively hot beverages in their laps. I must admit that I have often gained a slight satisfaction at watching some ruffian of the road sit and squirm in agony while I merrily glide by traveling at the proper speed so as to not cause excessive wear in my wheel gear. I often imagine that the poor soul may even learn some small lesson, not merely through his onerous experience, but also upon viewing the imperially smooth sneer I affect upon my countenance just for his sake. For, no matter how torrid, horrid, or meaningless my journalism may appear to be on its face, I do strive to somehow impart a little wisdom in the hope that I too, along with chocolate milk and Frisbees, will make a small improvement in that part of the world which is most immediate to myself and to those with whom I unfortunately sometimes come in contact.

I fear that I must admit to being nearly finished with this story. It satisfies the demands of my thug of an editor who is of an opinion that my stories should be about something which concerns many people (and may even effect their lives), or that my stories ought to be about something new and exciting and evened with a pinch of my own personal opinion, or that my stories should at the very least be about something that is true.

I believe that I have met the 3rd criteria due to the fact that many people actually do use the community roadways each day.

Thus, even while I go back under my desk for inspiration in order to write another story in the future, I can consider my score with my editor, I mean, the reader, to be one that I have most honestly kept by reminding you all to drive carefully. Unless I'm at home, then you can kill yourselves for all I care.

Jack Human