Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

 Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

18.

I got the idea to write a song about how meaningless the entire universe is but I haven't because it just seems pointless.

17.

Sometimes when I come home and find a recorded message from someone blackmailing me, I leave the message on the machine so the authorities can find it if the blackmailer turns up dead

16.

Thrill at my new film series: JUMP CUT! It's a quadrillogy of films made up entirely of jump cuts with an occasional one liner.

First up - "JUMP CUT: FIRST CUT"

Followed by "JUMP CUTS: CUT UPS"

Followed by "JUMP CUTTER: CUTTING JUMPS" 

And finally ending with "JUMP CUTTERS: THE FINAL CUT"

The story of automobiles possibly flying through the air in horrific accidents but you can't tell because it's all rendered in jump cuts.

Is that fist making contact with a face? Who knows? It's a jump cut!

Thrill as an entire conversation takes place in jump cut time and motion!

Wonder as to what the plot is or why we are incapable of creating entertaining action within a single shot!

JUMP CUT!

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15.

Oh no! A lady on tv said the F word but they bleeped it so I have no evidence to take that channel to court!

(The F word begins with the letter F)

14.

Last night I broke into 3 homes. I found dishes in the sinks in each home so I washed the dishes in 2 houses but not the 3rd house because there was a dishwashing machine there. Fuck them

13.

Life cannot be previewed because there is no previewer installed for it.

12.

Sometimes I like to pretend I don't have opposable thumbs.

11.

Anyone who wants to marry me should let me know. So that I may have you committed.

10.

I took my children out today to feed them... to a crocodile

9.

I have to go to bed. If anyone wants to talk to me, come stand outside my bedroom window.

8.

Stamps with Batman on them! Now I don't have to have stupid designs or famous people who wasted their lives curing polio on my mail.

[photo removed due to blogger’s inadequate ability to allow a copy and paste]

7.

Okay. I have my bucket list made up and number 1 on the list is “die”

Followed by “die” 57 more times and then, finally, “bathe in chocolate ice cream”.

6.

You want to know what’s better than nothing?

Nothing.

5.

I am a saint! If there is a heaven, rest assured that I am getting in! I am a naturally kind, empathic and compassionate person. I always put others first and always stick to my morals and values. The world is a better place because I am in it!

You jerks.

4.

I am definitely a walking dictionary! Over time, I’ve been able to build a repertoire of beautiful words because there's more to life than very nice. My vocabulary, unlike yours, is rich and wide as the pacific ocean. When I encounter an unfamiliar word, I make it a point to look up its meaning and try to incorporate this new found word in a sentence because you weasels aren’t going to it for me.

(I apologize for referring to you all as weasels. Weasels deserve better.)

3.

I don't understand naming your kid after yourself.

"I'm great. I'm naming you after me because I'm so great. Have I told you I'm great?

ego ego ego 

I'm so great you don't even deserve your own name and identity. Hey everybody! Have you met this person who I named after myself because I'm great?

I'm going to name my tea pot after me because why should I stop at naming my stupid kids after me? 

Then I'm going to change my wife's name to my own.

ego ego ego

My name is so meaningful. I'm so great. I'm proud to be me."

2.

I saw a few seconds of an old interview with Jeffrey Dahmer. After inspecting his face, I'd have to say that cannibalism isn't that good for your skin. One more good reason to respond "NO!" when someone says "Eat Me".

1.

My skit about the BP oil spill:

I understand that some time has passed since the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. However, I believe it would be funny to have a skit where a BP manager guy is using the poisonous oil to lube up for sex with whatever animal stands in for the walrus down there. Maybe the animal would be dead and the guy would be doing 'it' when his phone rings, and it's his wife calling. All we, the audience, hear from him is "Hello Dear.", and then, a moment later, "No. No. It's business as usual." Then, just for overkill, an oiled up Pelican flies up the guy's behind and we see his hair spinning around on his head and hear the sound of a kazoo.

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie     <---  mutilated French

Chickenfish

 

 

There was a salted salmon

who walked to be accepted.

He was discovered in his misery

by a band of hungry drifters

who stopped, and one said,

“You haven’t got a chance,

so forget your silly pride.

Get inside our frying pan.”

 

Without giving it any thought

the salmon jumped right in.

Now, wasn't that a silly salmon?

My responsibilities don't lie elsewhere. They lie everywhere. My responsibilities are creeping burdens unable to refuse themselves the opportunity to become entangled with whatever comes their way. I just wish they would lie still for once.

Life ate my face. I'm wondering 

if I should drip from the sky

This dyslexia,

it's just my point of view
My pupils dilate with hunger.
I look upon body parts stacked inside makeshift shelters.
I look upon lights that attract me but don't show me the way
Many more days of this and my stomach will refuse substance.
Synthetic food products priced beyond my means.
I wandered the woodsy area by the roadside and ate some butterflies,
some ants, scrawny raspberries, and a couple grasshoppers.
I ate all I could and hoped to find some coins.
There were no coins, There was an old Timex that wouldn't rewind.
I kept nothing to share.

When I hook up with someone, we will forage together

and share only that which we together find.
We will be blind to all but what we can scavenge.

Let us start with a disruptive advertisement:

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A man at a beach resort is beaten and jailed for refusing to wear swimwear because it won't fit over his suit.

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Crush fatbod

Ain’t got no brain

No soul

A grimy savage prances upon the smellivision speaking of tweaks of which he is unfamiliar

Bloviating like a ho bag ready to pump another guy for a rock of crack

News not news not even a joke

No bats in the belfry. Just rat shit and an odor unlike any other 

A foreign dud stands by the American crud before empty headed cameras 

Failure

Oh look. An “off” button

 

'tis a sour ending indeed

=======================

a faceless enemy

drops his full weight upon

  the bayonet

  that pierces

  my lung

I kick once, and,

with an endless shudder

my entire life passes

through my bladder

gotta go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors other than red.

"i must have whiskey,

i'm so damned thirsty.", he bellowed,

though his throat wasn't at all dry.

what would he have said instead

if he could only have seen

his liver turning green

and the blood seeping

through his stomach lining.

he painted her a yellow rose

to hang upon her bedroom wall

she truly loved him heart & soul

and taught him how to crawl

they had no time to self-destruct

so instead they just imploded

afterwards, whenever he spoke

his words were always loaded

"buy our christmas trees"

mint sprints in boxes

cookies - "Chips Ahoy!" - chewy, striped,

sprinkled with sprinkles

& NEW!

Ritz - red boxes, golden brown crackers.

apple newtons (fruity and chewy),

fig newtons (yellow package, pale cookie)

cinnamon raisin nut, raspberry, strawberry

Oreos.

next aisle

cheese - pale yellow, golden, muenster, velveeta, american, weight watcher's

pickles sour & sweet

register

gray woman with blue basket

tabloids - Oprah! Cher!

“man born with no head!"

razor blades - steel, disposable

cigarettes - no minors!

christmas tree wreaths

thank you for shopping here.

once payment is rendered,

you may leave.

Elegy for Corn

Corn Pop was a friend of mine

We shared some fermented turpentine 

Before that, he was agonna kill me

My chain, it convinced him to befriend me

Oh Corn Pop

Oh Corn Pop

A thug who knifed many a lad

But he never knifed me

He was the best friend I ever had

The horse's shoes seek the shifting surface of the desert sands. In clouds of dry dust we ride.

Wingless Flicker

The albino snake fetus was shaking. His head, like his words, was jerking. A tenuous void sprouted from his mouth and ignited the fecal fumes discarded by his toilience. 

It could not rain. The sun began to flicker. Dolphins rotted.

Hope vomited but vowed to make a return.

Bedtime

Got to go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors that aren’t red.

Stay There

everybody goes to hell

we're all going to hell

pack your bible and pack your beer

we're hightailin' it to hell 

and the devil will be there

Some people got no choice

others always have known

when we hit the flames, 

we’re all on our own

Say Goodbye

The year will never end.

Like every year previous,

it will linger upon our existence.

Following each of us.

Stalking us. Ensuring we break.

Harvesting our energies.

Harvesting what remains of our souls.

Eventually, each and every year

Will continue beyond us

Not recognizing we ever inhaled,

Exhaled, digested, or cried

Until we are no more

And the years still will never end

So, happy new year!

Moon Itch

I'm climbing upon the underside of the moon.

All spidery legs and itchy too.

I am a circus without a tent,

a gambler without a working pair of dice.

Whosoever itches themselves itches me too.

waiting waiting waiting 

Phone Betrayal

I await a phone call.

The sky outside is gray.

I hear autos pass by on the street.

A set of brakes slightly squeals 

as though happy to slow down. 

I await the phone that never calls.

Tobacco Load

She’s got brown fingertips

And 3rd degree burns on her lips

She’s got ash tray breath

I’d kiss her more often but

I fear catching her death

She smokes like a chimney

putting the atom bomb to shame

But it’s not her fault

It’s nicotine to blame

sky purges itself

Grandma won’t open the door

Raindrops sting like darts

 

loud Seagulls cry out

Fish fry in oily sizzles

Coca-cola pops

Evening Blessed

It is dark outside

the sky has shut its eye

warming us gently

beneath its lid.

The Sound of Nature

This is the sound of nature

beating your soul to a pulp.

I apologize. I am mistaken.

This is the sound of humanity

beating your soul to a pulp.

Nature blithely lurks watching.

Whether in horror or agreement,

nature does nothing to indicate.

Nature makes no effort to prevent

your soul from becoming pulp.

Once done. When you are gone,

when you are just a stain of pulp,

Nature may have a taste, a gulp,

Or not

in a bar

in a bar,

just want to lift my glass, be left alone,

crawl inside the television set,

pull the screen up around my neck,

tuck myself in, and

be gone

[ Meanwhile, in another location entirely ]

I am your deity

said the pony to the snowman

it's time to get deliberate

and you are out of focus

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A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

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