Jack Human’s Sixth Shorts
Shorter than you can ever hope to be
30.
Life. Love it or go the hell back to from where you came!
29.
Does anybody know if I'm a serial killer? I'd ask the last 10 people I ran into but they're all dead.
28.
Spring Brucesteen awoke with a jerk. He knew it was a jerk because the jerk had brought a sandwich to bed and there was jelly all over the sheets…
27.
I went to my dentist yesterday. She said my teeth are great. Too good for me. So she knocked them out.
The advantage is that I don’t have to go back because they have my teeth there and can check them without having to look at my ugly mug.
26.
I remember one time I was doing something and it didn't turn out as expected so then I believed in god.
Oh, and I had sex with a muskrat.
25.
When my doctor told me I needed to lose weight before my knee surgery, I told him I’d lose 50% of my weight if he’d get the fuck off my back. And anyway, my shitty insurance won’t cover goddamned surgery performed by knees.
24.
Now looky here, you federation fiends. I’m only going to say this once. I think the federation is lying about transporters. They don’t exist. I’ve never seen one.
Transporters can’t possibly be a thing. Do you know how easy it would be to spray Lysol or Raid into the atoms of someone who is materializing?
You could just spray WD-40 into the atoms and the atoms wouldn’t even stick together.
FAKERS!
23.
Jesus Christ! Picard just ordered all hands to abandon ship. How the hell is the crew supposed to work without hands?
22.
NEW JUMP CUTS PRODUCTION:
Our latest movie recorded on Scotch tape rather than film or subpar digital footage is about the Society for the Total Extinction of Non-Conforming Humans.
STENCH
Prepare to over inebriate and to experience STENCH during the 15 minutes it will be shown in a theater 45 minutes from you.
21.
Death is the leading cause of apathy among dead people.
20.
I asked the woman in Dunkin Donuts to get the hottest coffee they have and throw it in my face.
Stat!
19.
I don't have an issue with violence - unless it is directed towards me.
18.
I’m starting my 3rd production company. Now, along with the successful NecropR0n Productions and Jump Cuts Productions, you all will thrill at the magnificent Shitty Filters Productions. That’s SFP for those who can’t read anything other than letters.
Shitty Filters Productions will create movies, television shows, and ads that are filtered in order to prevent our audiences from having to be distracted by actors and sets that are visually clear. This way we can encourage the viewer to imagine what may be occurring onscreen while they quit trying to pay attention and begin wondering what they will feed their kids for dinner.
Shitty Filters Productions may not be the first, however, we intend to be the best at enabling our customers, making you, our unfortunate customer, know what it is like to have cataracts.
17.
My bucket list just lists a bucket.
16.
Once, while I was eating dinner, my mustache fell off and landed in my bowl of beef stew. I thought, “What the hell? I’ve been in hairier situations than this” and finished the stew.
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15.
The town called my phone, but not me, to leave a message concerning how prevalent bird flu is right now and warned us to avoid dead birds and all dead, sick, or strange animals. Watch your pets to ensure they don’t do anything that might get them infected.
The recording said I don’t have to worry because I’m the one who gave the birds the flu.
I can’t figure out why everybody calls my phone and not me.
14.
I was scheduled to have minor surgery today but the truant officer caught up with the surgeon and brought him back to school.
13.
I have an idea to start a business. If anyone is interested, maybe I can hire you.
The idea: Condoms are big business now and are very important for sexually active people who wish to retain their health. Condoms are uncomfortable.
Our condoms will be made from cheesecloth. They will be washable and reusable. The condom will be so entirely comfortable that people who sport a penis, whether male or female, will be tempted to never take it off.
Our goal is to make the public wearing of condoms stylish so they will be worn to concerts and sport events.
Who wants in on this?
12.
Jesus Christ! You have to be 21 years old to buy pot now? It used to be 13 years old.
God, I hate modern times.
11.
The Lone Ranger is riding his horse, Silver, with a child while they are chased by goons.
The ranger rides up a hill a bit and jumps off his horse, gets behind a rock, and starts shooting at the goons but he tells the kid to stay on the horse. When the goons start shooting back the kid is entirely exposed.
Back behind the goons' rock, one of them is shot in the leg and starts whining. The other goons stopped shooting to listen to the whiner providing the Lone Ranger and Tonto an opportunity to bust them.
After the ranger and Tonto bring the goons in, they go riding off with the Lone Ranger screaming "Hi yo, Silver! Away!" As if the horse is too stupid to know what being kicked and having it's head jerked around means.
10.
This dope on an episode of Charlie's Angels just blew open a safe. I think he spent more on the C4 explosive than he found in the safe.
Not the best business planning.
Who knew that the majority of criminals go bankrupt due to bad business decisions?
9.
Sometimes I think of myself as an idiot but then will talk to someone else and realize I’m not as bad as I thought I was.
8.
Idaho politicians voted to change the image of the state by renaming it to "Udaho".
7.
Pain is a universal human experience, so sit back and enjoy it.
6.
What Is the Outlook for Ankylosing Spondylitis?
"Ankylosing spondylitis is a chronic, progressive disease that often leads to disability. With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life."
"With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life"
well who the fuck wants that?
5.
I'm getting better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else.
4.
I arrived at work this morning and was feeling good until I found the door was unlocked.
3.
I've opened The Center for Biological Perversity.
The man with two penises counts as two members, or he would have if we hadn’t banned one of the penises for not wearing shoes.
2.
This is similar to that time I had Worf take the ship to the Veridian system at full warp, then when we were 20 miles from the Veridian System, I had the ship turned around so we could go back and get the Archie comics I had left on Mars station.
I also had to pee and had no intention of using a restroom in the filthy Veridian system.
1.
People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.
