Sunday, February 26, 2023

Columbo s7, e3 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Columbo.

Make Me a Perfect Murder

S7 E3

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

In this episode, a woman killed her boss for not giving her a promotion when he had been given a promotion and was moving on. I thought that was rude of him, but he did explain that she needed more time to develop the required skills. 

It turns out the boss was sleeping with the woman which is disgusting on a lot of levels. First of all, I’m pretty sure that in California the law states if a manager sleeps with an employee, the employee should receive overtime pay. This boss jerk bought the lady a new car which, let’s face it, does not meet the requirements of the sex overtime law.

California law also requires any manager who sleeps with an employee to also sleep with another employee who is of a different sex. The show gave no indication that this boss had balanced his creepy behavior with the woman by sleeping with a male employee in order to meet the standards required by the sexual harassment fairness doctrine.

The entire situation was just plain wrong. It’s possible that the script didn’t have time to allow this bad behavior to be explained, or we’re to assume that the boss paid the overtime and slept with that long haired young man, whose job was to do research, offscreen. To me, that’s bad writing.

I almost forgot what the story was about. The boss was murdered which shouldn’t even be a crime because humans have murdered one another for at least 100,000 years. Long before God created the earth. Why don’t we just make sneezing a crime? Humans do that too.

At one point, the woman massaged Columbo’s back and yet once again, there was no indication that a male also massaged Columbo’s back. Or massaged anything else.

Columbo told the woman she was under arrest and asked her to go with him.

I think that was the end.

A Television weighs no less than 30 tons.

Friday, February 17, 2023

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

you can see where it all kind of falls apart


Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

You fill the air with a gaseous stink

You ain’t as smart as your mommy thinks

Your audience is made up of ineffectual finks

Radio gasbag, you make us gag


Radio gasbag

You fill the air with hate filled lies

Shout your tropes until justice dies

call your shit free speech in disguise

Leave others to pay the price


Radio gasbag

You’re ugly in all the wrong places

Heartless and greedy and exceptionally shapeless

You leave trails like a slug in slime

the pollution you spew is an oral crime

Someday your gassy ass will do the time


Radio gasbag

Get your Viagra pills together

Your toys are being delivered

The law turns its myopic blind eye

Because you are a wealthy guy


Radio gasbag you’re gonna burn in hell

along with your followers, it’s just as well

Radio gasbag, you make us gag

with the sewage you sell


words shoot from your hole 

as ammo aimed at young and old

You poison good people just for pay

It’s all a gag you like to say

why don’t you shut your fat greasy hole?

You broadcast diseases from your soul

One day your fat heart will explode

no one will miss you, you won’t leave a hole

You’re a narcissist and only you love you

You’ll be forgotten by history

So we have that to look forward to

another time, flatlined:

“I am all the gas you need!” – shouts the radio gasbag. He is a bloviating pile of feces. His audience feeds off his narcissistic sense of certainty.

The audience throws their love to the gasbag.

Filled with poisonous methane, the gasbag puffs himself up like a puffer fish but he is not cute, nor is he harmless as his hatred and lies fly through the skies.

Radio gasbag talks a bunch of hash jabbering like a brain damaged dodo bird triple-chinned and unable to defy gravity. His shirt pocket is filled with Viagra as he awaits the toy for which he’s paid and he’s looking forward to a night of boyous joy. On the job, his mouth won’t stop yapping and his fist won’t stop pumping his microphone full of rancid lies and bloviating self-humping. Poisonous gas leaks from the anal mouth-hole on the gasbag and infects his studio audience. The fans think he’s being outrageous but he’s really being contagious. Radio gasbag. Listen here, Mr. Gasbag, you ain’t as smart as your mommy thinks you are. Your mouth is an explosive sewer hole. A dumping ground of hazardous material. Outhouse. Latrine. Used diaper. A fetid nest of flies.

Radio gasbag

You’re ugly in all the wrong places.

Heartless and greedy and exceptionally shapeless you leave trails like a slug in slime the pollution you spew is an oral crime Someday your gassy ass will do the time One day your fat heart will explode, and no one will miss you. No one will miss you.

No one has missed you.

Friday, February 3, 2023

Dead Man’s Debt

Dead Man’s Debt

Random person 1: "Jesus, help us!"

Jesus: "Okay. What's the problem?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus just died!"

Jesus: "Well, all things must pass. This is the way it is."

Random person 1: "But Lazarus owed me some money!"

Jesus: "Jesus Christ! That is a problem! Here, I'll bring him back."

Random person 1: "Thank you so much!”

Jesus brings Lazarus back. Lazarus looks like he just spent time in the ring with George Foreman.

Someone steps out of the small crowd after shoving several bystanders out of his way.

Crowd shover: "Say, what the fuck's going on here?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus was dead, Man. But now, thanks to Jesus. Lazarus is alive again!."

Crowd shover: “Then what the fuck did I bother killing him for?"

Thursday, February 2, 2023

Miserable Poemetrical Shorts 2

 some junk looking for abuse


I am fabulous like a dog leaping through dry desert air.
I will bite.


the lonely messiah grapples

with the true meaning of the cheese

as his disciples end in the dust

of a meteoric rise and the flattening fall

back to the molecular ball.


Nobody knows these things

Nobody knows those things

Nobody knows anything

Whatever it is you think you know

Will not admit to knowing you


I have died

and I have died

and I have died

and not once,

twice, or three times.




Today I have died.

I know tomorrow,

I will die.

And, having died,

will live to die again.


My brain.

It ain’t on fire.

It don’t burn nor turn

It’s a flat tire


Living can be traumatic.

Living with asteroid addiction

can be brutally traumatic.

Avoid possible extinction.

Don’t be hit by asteroids.

Avoid trauma.

Avoid birth.

If you should see your future parents

about to conceive you,

kick their private parts off.

Take control of your trauma.

Before asteroids take control of you


Barfley Shoestink

Smelly Salivas

Nickelodeon Giggling

And Allass B. Tokenslot

All walk into a bar together.

Not one of them leaves alive

Because Nipplelips Rage murdered them


When you’re deranged

Pickles shoot out from your brain

The sludge in your blood refuses to drain

Angels refrain from singing your name

Copulating with mice makes you feel sane

When you’re deranged


a renegade mosquito bite 

sent me to see the doctor

my arm stiff and swollen at the elbow

not very easy to move

the doctor told me

the rate of allergies is rising

with the depletion of the ozone layer

"yeah", i thought,

"let's strip the blanket from the earth

and have the insects watch us squirm for a while"

we will all grow old together

and fry