Sunday, January 21, 2024

Take the Pill

Take the Pill

A man saw a Crestor commercial on television. Worried he might have a problem and not having seen a doctor for some years, he decided to see a doctor. The doctor had bad news and told the man his cholesterol was really high. The doctor said he would be prescribing a pill for the issue and that the man should take the pill each day.

The man responded, "Are you a fucking moron? I can't take the same fucking pill every day. Why don't you prescribe a bottle filled with pills and I will take a different pill each day?"

The doctor thought hard on what the man had said and wrote up a prescription for poison rather than Crestor though some people might consider them to be the same thing.


Required follow up:

Now, what does the writer of this tale tell you about the man? Is the writer's view of the man favorable?

What is the writer's opinion of the doctor? Do you think the writer approves of the casual shirt the doctor had worn to his practice that day?

Do you believe doctors exist, or do you think the writer made them up?

Whom do you believe is correct, the patient, or the doctor?

Try writing a story similar to this. Then burn it because no one wants to see it.

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Thursday, January 18, 2024

Robot Fog's Shorts (unwashed)

Robot Fog

Hi, Robot here. I don't really need to introduce myself because I'm standing next to you.

Now look at the crappy graphic to the right and move on.

In reverse order:


I fully intend to one day build a ladder to the stars and douse them one by one.


Google stole my underwear and shared it with deranged phishers.


I'm no longer interacting with humans, so I'm only sending out empty email messages.


If you, like many people, are covered in corpses, you may be experiencing World War III. Notify your doctor if you are suffering from banned biochemical weapons, radiation poisoning due to exposure to a nuclear bomb or bombsite, shark bite, lead poisoning from bullet wounds, damaged organs due to torture, food poisoning, malnutrition due to lack of a reliable food source, and any other abnormal or irregular health issue due to the actions of cruel dishonorable tyrants and psychopaths.


I’ve been farming humans for several decades now. I began as a ranch hand tossing them pasta and doughnuts to fatten them up. Eventually I got to drive them to slaughter which was pretty cool because I didn’t have to look at their stupid faces while they were packed in the back of the truck. 

Now though, I’m working in the office and managing shipments from the ranch to slaughter and packaging facilities. Sometimes when a ranch hand is out sick, I go out and toss the filthy beasts some syrupy pancakes and carrots. The carrots are for vitamins. You can’t fatten humans on junk food alone. You don’t want a scurvy product. The market won’t tolerate it. The best you can do is to sell the degraded meat to pet food manufacturers or use it to feed your own beasts. Not the ones you breed. You have to be generous with your human breeding stock.


An assfaced loser is on a midtown rooftop taking shots at people. The authorities are clearing the street before anyone is hurt. An officer is bravely carrying a young child along with the child’s dog to safety.

Once they are off the street and inside a building, the child asks the officer: “Why’s that man on the roof trying to kill people?”

Officer: “Have you ever met people?”



For sleeping with the fishes


January 2020.

The CDC says more people have died smelling their own ass than have died from the Coronavirus


New research shows older pregnant women are older than younger pregnant women. Science jerks are still trying to figure out why this is.


Many people who’ve been in an accident have their underwear ripped off every day by medical staff in a local hospital.

If you’re in an accident and hurt badly, crawl into some bushes and avoid the paramedics.

Your underwear will thank you and you will retain your dignity


Happy Kilmore was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to debt. 

The judge meant to say "death" but had his financial troubles on his mind and misspoke. Unfortunately for Happy Kilmore, the sentence had to stand as stated and could not be corrected. He found himself immediately released from custody with the responsibility of paying all the bills for everyone ever born.


Computers are taking up 67,098,566 pages of my suicide note.


Show: Charlie’s Angels

Episode: “Angel in Love”

Aired: 1977

Hildy Slater runs Utopia West, a human potential enterprise/resort. When her nephew Frank, a Vietnam vet, is murdered on site, she calls the Townsend Agency to solve the crime because police departments didn’t exist in the 1970’s.


A form at the Registry of motor vehicles:

Have you had any accidents while driving in the last two years?


I never drive without intending to have an accident


Every day in North America, dozens of people are murdered…

We welcome tourists

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A man takes his face off and leaves it on a hat rack from which it is stolen. He must retrieve the face or his rich parents will write him out of the will for being irresponsible. Plus, the face wasn't his. It was a cover face that he used in inclement weather.

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I watched Blood Simple last night (1984) and there was a scene with a real gas station. I think the gasoline was $1.04 per gallon. I’m not sure I can read Texan.

All I could think of were the crybabies now who weep uncontrollably for each penny the price of gasoline rises despite the fact that they can save money by not driving all over the continent and the fact that, for every mile they drive, they cause the amount of fossil fuels to decline more quickly.


Robot, Hater of humans

14.    A poll:

Shhh. The Poll begins:

Question:     Does your dick touch your butt?

A. - Yes

B. - No

C. - I don’t have a dick.

D. - I don’t have a butt.

E. - That’s between me and my doctors and the law prevents them from talking.

F. - My dick used to touch my butt until it was eventually convicted for it.

G. - My dick will touch my butt once I cut it off and drop it in the back of my underwear.

H. - Sadly, My butt touches my dick.

I. - I’m going to touch your face with my butt.

J. - My dick touched my butt once but my butt began to run.


Foog Scriggleman was feeling great. Things were looking up. He had just discovered that if he met someone who liked him and they dated for at least 3 years, he might have sex. The last time he had sex was 5 years ago when he had been trapped on an elevator alone for three minutes.


On Wheel of Fortune tonight, a woman contestant said, "your face is a pile of shit, Pat"

Sajak became pissed and told the woman to get the hell off the stage and out of the studio. She was crying but she left.

Then Pat turned to the audience, "well that game was ruined by that disgusting and rude woman. Vanna, please turn the letters over so we can see what the puzzle was before moving onto the next one"

When the letters were turned, the phrase said "your face is a pile of shit, Pat"


There should be no more than 10 people living on any one continent.


Once-daily ANORO is a prescription medicine used to treat chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).

Do not use Anoro if you have no Anoro.

* having no Anoro may cause a lack of Anoro.

** Anoro is affordable if you have the cash.

*** Buy no Anoro, get no Anoro free.

9. Lab Menace

The pizza box was sprayed with a fine layer of urine which does absolutely nothing to help in revealing fingerprints or recovering DNA. The lab technician was fired.


The first 1 minute of Batman vs Superman made me laugh at the Waynes being murdered.

So, I’m thinking the rest of the film isn’t going to happen for me.

Maybe someday, an adult will make a Batman movie where we don’t have to see Bruce’s parents die for the 9 millionth time.

It did help that I enjoyed seeing Negan get shot. I’ve been wanting to stab him myself for several years.

So, does this turn you on?

Adults. Do they exist?


Remember that time Commander Taylor set off the Alpha and Omega weapon? Why didn’t the jerk do it before traveling into the future?

If you don’t know who Taylor is, maybe you should try reading some history books


A large group of turkeys crossed the road when I was driving another machine home. I stopped when I saw that only several of the group had crossed my side but there were many more in a yard that wanted to cross. I wouldn’t have stopped if it had been people but these were turkeys. The turkeys remaining in the yard checked that I had really stopped completely then stepped in front of my car and continued crossing. Turkeys trust me and I trust them.

There were 18 birds. I can only count up to three so I counted three turkeys at a time six times. I think. I had run out of fingers to count on.

It was soothing. I hope they enjoy themselves.


I didn't have my phone and I've been trying to figure out the date today but when I ask people, they say, "Happy Independence day" or "It's independence day".

Well they can all go to hell. I just want to know the fucking date.


Obit for Hans

Hans Gruber was a friend of mine. He tried to rob a skyscraper of $640 million in negotiable bearer bonds so he could have more money. Hans deserved more money in his life. He was killed by a shoeless cop. Hans, you are forever with me despite the fact that you weren't going to share your robbery money. Hang down yer heads, folks. Hang down yer heads for Hans Gruber.


Being Borg must be good. There's never-ending work and you can modify yourself to better meet the needs of the tasks you perform. Some people say they prefer "free will". Free will is a fallacy. You wake up in the morning and have to decide whether to shower or to eat first. And, thus, the ever vaunted 'free will' is reduced to a decision between grooming and sustenance. Flesh machine maintenance is for chumps.


The real reason there is no plan B is that the people of the A-team don't know what letter follows the letter 'A' in the English alphabet. Do not hold them responsible, however, for they are merely products of the American school system.


I think kids should be referred to as 'kiddles', you know, like puddles, but messier.

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Jack Human’s Second Shorts

 As opposed to real ideas, this page is designed to express my thoughts.

Jack Human

In reverse order:


A woman on Dragnet told Sargent Friday she's only 29. I think she means she was 29 years old like about 29 years ago. Yet another case of a 78 year old actor playing young. Old people stealing jobs from the young ones.

Maybe I’ll do that.


A woman's sex drive increases the further away I am from her.


Yesterday, my friend Festus was paid $10.00 for 3 days work. He painted a barn from sunrise until sunset each day.

Today Doc said he’d pay Festus 20 cents an hour to replace his stairs.

If the sun was up for 14 hours each day for Festus to paint the barn, that means he made about 23 cents an hour.

Festus should tell Doc he wants more money. If he doesn’t get the bread he deserves, Festus should take a bottle of opium from Doc.

Someday I hope to make 23 cents an hour doing a week of work in 3 days


Tell your doctor if you have a doctor


People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.


Michael Landon wrote a Bonanza episode about Little Joe’s wife being murdered. I think Little Joe is going to leave and seek out the murderers of his wife.

It should have been Little Joe who got murdered and then his widow goes to track down the murderers but then realizes that it was just Little Joe who was murdered so she goes back home and lives a long normal happy life.

Until the next yellow fever outbreak


Give the correct answer, the wall gives you money. Give the wrong answer and the wall urinates on you.


Well, there's nothing I look more forward to than a good old fashioned hanging.

Now, if only I can find someone to kick this horse out from under me


See the new movie release: I Am Wrath

Crummy Revolta unloads A barrage of blistering action as a former black ops agent seeking vengeance for the murder of his goldfish.

Rated minus ********* stars.


One day I was chewing on some hard candy when my forehead fell off.


If anyone asks you if they should lose weight, just say no. In fact, tell them they need to gain a few pounds.

You never know if you’ll be trapped in a lifeboat with them and have no food available


My wife and I watch a great number of apocalyptic movies. Many of them are weather or climate related. A lot of the climate based apocalyptic movies show people in the streets with signs that read "The end is nigh" or "Repent!"

What kind of moron has time to picket the apocalypse?


Wherever there is conflict of any kind, I will be doing my best to avoid and ignore it. Join me.


Feel free to send me your movie, play, or television scripts if you feel they are lacking in plot or resolution. I can fill in plot holes like nothing. It's my talent. I did it in a carnival for some years before they put a restraining order on me.


Squiddly Diddly was having a bad day. He hadn't thought it could be worse than the miserable experience he had suffered a day earlier, but he was wrong. The day before, Squiddly had been entangled in a net. He had fought hard to escape the net as it was being dragged forward and he'd lost two tentacles in the overwhelming struggle. The very last thing he recalled before blacking out was being pulled away by a strong sea current.

Upon awaking, Squiddly realized it was late afternoon. He found himself half washed up upon a breakwater in a small New England bay. He was covered in damp seaweed for which he was grateful because it had protected him from the sun and from predators. As Squiddly hauled himself up and was about to splash himself back into the sea, his one eye caught a human family eating at an outdoor table of a restaurant. The mommy and daddy were laughing with their children but this is not what interested Squiddly Diddly and he began to violently vomit while sinking back into the briny sea, for, he saw that each parent was eating one of his missing tentacles. It mattered not that he would grow the tentacles back. He was sickened to a degree that he had never been before. He would forever carry the horror of witnessing himself being devoured by the very predators he had hoped to have escaped.

15. The Yearling (recap kind of)

The movie I’m watching, The Yearling, is hilarious.

The yearling was a young deer who sucked up all the farmer's corn. The farmer was pissed off. His son, Jody, offered to whip the deer but the father made the kid build a fence to keep the deer out of the field. The deer, being smarter than the kid, jumped the fence and ate all the corn again.

The poor clowns lost two yields to a stupid deer which was smarter than they could ever hope to be.

The kid was told to take the deer out in the woods, tie it up and shoot it. The kid led the deer out into the woods and let it go free.

The deer was sad and wondering, "What the fuck? Now I have to grow my own damn corn?" But then realized it knew where there would be some corn growing and hiked back to the farm.

The deer showed up at the farm and the parents forced Jody to kill it. Jody was upset and pissed off. He told his parents, "I hate you. I hope you die! I never want to see you again!"

Jody’s father replied, "We hate you too. We WILL die. And we never want to see YOU again."

Jody ran off crying, became lost, and nearly starved. Jody was found, however, and returned home where the ghost of the deer appeared to him in a dream and said, "Hey, you moron. I just want to thank you for taking me in so I could be killed for doing what is natural to me."

A voiceover revealed, "Jody never killed another living creature again. He only killed dead ones. He refused to join the military and be in all the shitty wars the U.S. would get into. He stayed home during wartime and dated the wives of servicemen."

Jody looked happy in his sleep as if he had just relieved himself and the movie ended.


Mick Dickbone was at his sentencing for a series of horrendous murders. The Prosecutor's office chose to prosecute Dickbone on the 2 murders for which they had the most forensic evidence.

Dickbone had been murdering random people who he happened upon while walking the city streets at night. He would engage his victims in conversation and find a reason to ask them back to his apartment where he would murder them, have sex with them, cut them up and place the body parts in trash bags. He would carry the bags out and place them in trash cans on city property such as parks and common areas such as subway entrances.

Dickbone was prepared for the guilty verdict and wasn't looking forward to the sentencing. He watched the judge up at the bench as the judge finished his brief speech concerning the atrocity of the killings. Then the judge announced the sentence.

"Michael T. Dickbone, this court sentences you to two consecutive life sentences for murder plus 65 years for the improper use of city trash receptacles."

Dickbone was shocked but didn't faint. He turned to his court appointed attorney and asked, "What's a 'receptacle'? I don't recall having sex with anything other than the victims."


I saw part of a nature program that I can’t recall the title of. The episode featured gorillas high upon a mountain. The gorillas eat a lot of leaves and vegetation. There was a scene of a gorilla pooping into its hand, which I thought was odd because I tend to poop in other peoples' hands.

Anyway the narrator’s voice explained that the gorillas eat their poo, which is green. Apparently, the reasoning is that the gorillas absorb more nutrition the second time around due to the breakdown of the vegetation the first time making nutrients more accessible. The voice also said it's possible the gorillas want something warm to eat because it's cold on the mountain.

Then the camera moved in for a close-up on one gorilla who was eating its poo. The gorilla looked into the camera and spoke, "Sure, I like my life the way it is now, but I dream of one day opening a restaurant that specializes in serving poop. I'll probably open it in New York city because I've read the gorilla population there is wicked low so I'll be serving food that is exotic to the natives. I know they'll love it."

The gorilla took another bite and continued, "Initially, I was going to name the restaurant 'MacDonald's' but I heard there is already a place with that name serving poop."


Yesterday (the day before today), it was 27 degrees f (spelled F) when I went to work. I think it was 36 degrees when I left work. It got pretty hot in 10 hours. Almost 10 degrees in 10 hours. I considered going to Little Pond but I was asked to never take my shirt off or to wear shorts by the town. They aimed a boomstick at me when they made the request. They never said I couldn’t take my socks off, so I went barefoot as I hung around outside. I suspect I had a depressive spell because the world seemed so completely dark. I couldn’t see the sun at all. I like to stare at it.


Gregor Samsa walked into a bar. The bartender snapped the filthy germ ridden cloth he used to wipe up general messes and the inside of  glasses before pouring the customers' drinks and laid it over his equally germ laden shoulder. 

"Get the fuck off the ceiling and take a chair like everyone else, or get the hell out of here!" the bartender barked.

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When people tell me they like the color of my hair, I punch them. And when someone gives me cake and ice cream, I punch them.

I was raised by boxers


One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half.

It turns out I have opposable thumbs.


When a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, the tree lies there quietly wishing it lived in the city.


One time I slipped into a swimming pool and ate a person because I was an alligator


Riddle me this. What's black and white and red all over? 

A penguin with a hole in him.


According to the International Department of Disturbing Statistics, there is a 50% chance your mother was a female.


Over $200.00 for a stupid med to prevent me from killing myself? I'll take the suicide, please.


Okay. So you’re late for the big meeting. You reach up to touch your face but your face doesn’t like being touched and it bites your hand. Your hand is bleeding now but you can’t be late for the big meeting so you use your other hand to cut off the bleeding hand.

It turns out the meeting is scheduled for tomorrow.


Fire is the answer to most problems. It's how I shave. I even use it to burn my clothing off so I don't have to manually undress myself like a peasant.


I got wicked drunk and when I awoke the next day I discovered I had legally changed my name to Droolmaster B. I was like, "what the hell?" The name was supposed to be Droolmaster R.

The following week, I went back to court and they said to shutup. I can't change my name again until I get drunk and come back in 10 years.

Disgustions from Jack

 Disgustions from Jack Human


The prosecutor then said, "Let's cement the case against this young man."

To which the detective asked, "What? Are we running a fraternity now? Why don't we find more evidence and tie it to the suspect so we can get a conviction?"

"Because," responded the DA, "we don't want the evidence falling off the guy. Cement will hold better than rope."


Commander: “Doctor, what kind of a sea beast would be that large?”

Doctor: “None of your fucking business!”

Commander: “That woman assistant you have is a woman. Do we really need her?”

Doctor: “Professor Leslie Joyce is a trained professional and highly qualified in her field. We need her more than we need you, you military fuck-faced simpleton.”

Commander: “I’m telling you, Doctor. She’s a woman.”

Doctor: “Why don’t you fuck off and die already?”

Commander: “Do you think she’ll go out with me?”

Doctor: “Why the fuck don’t you ask her, you shithead? I don’t own her.”

Commander: “I think I will ask her out.”

Professor Joyce: “I’ve been standing here the entire time. Don’t waste your breath, Commander Fuckface.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry about him, Professor. I slipped something radioactive in his milk. He won’t be bothering either of us for long.”

Sea Beast (watching through the porthole of the military vessel and weeping): “No one even remembers I’m here anymore.”


Detective: "Take your time and tell us if one of these people is the murderer"

Witness: "There! That one!"

Detective: "Which one?"

Witness: "The murderer"

Detective: "Which one is the murderer?"

Witness: "That one!"

Detective: "Which one?"

Witness: "The murderer!"

Detective: "Will you fucking point to whoever the hell you're talking about?"


Doctor Crusher: “Number None. I’d like you to look at this brain scan.”

Number None: “Don’t be a fool, Doctor. I don’t have a brain.”


Detective: “Ma’am. I think we need to narrow down the circumstances around your husband’s death. Can you tell me what he was doing right up to the moment he died?”

Mrs. Caldwell: “Living.”

Detective: “Can you tell me how you know that he was living?”


“Hey! You’re that guy!”

“Yes, I am.”

“Get the fuck out of my mirror before I knife you!”


Football team captain: "Coach. Coach! Are you okay?"

Disoriented Coach: "I think so but I'm not sure if my wife is happy anymore and I've been concerned about losing my job."

Team Captain: "That's sad but I'm more concerned about the plane crash we just had."

Coach: "I'm not sure these shoes fit well either."

Captain: “The shoes do appear overly tight.”


Scene: In the local saloon the Marshal socks a guy in the face, picks him up off the floor by his collar. When the guy is standing, the Marshal holds the guy so the guy is facing away from the Marshal and can’t throw any punches.

Marshal: “You’re going to jail.”

Guy: “Ain’t no jail what can hold me!”

Marshal: “Fine then.”

We see the Marshal turn the guy around and shoot him in the face. The Marshal tosses a rope over a beam and hangs the guy.

Marshal: “Let’s see you get of the cell now.”

The Marshal looks to an acquaintance.

Marshal: “Help me carry him to the jail.”

Acquaintance: “Wouldn’t it have been easier to walk him over to the jail and kill him there?”

Marshal: “I like the way you think. What do you say to being my deputy?”

Acquaintance: “Well that depends. It doesn’t involve having sex with you, does it?”

Marshal: “Well, I don’t know about that. Are you a man or a woman?”

(Tune in next week)


Mother: “When I met your father he was totally naked and waving his arms everywhere.”

Daughter: “Mom, that’s crazy! Why the fuck was he naked?”

Mother: “I had just given birth to him.”


Captain James T. Kirk: “Bones!”

Bones: “she’s dead, Jim.”

Kirk: “What did she die of?”

Bones: “Severe brain hemorrhaging.”

Kirk: “She had a severe brain?”


The victim of a violent robbery lies upon the ground. He’s hurt badly. Marshal Dillon is concerned and asking the victim about the incident. The victim is in a bad way and struggles to speak.

Victim: “I was robbed. He took all the cash I was taking to the bank.”

Marshal: (concerned. Leaning over the hurt man) who did this to you? Tell me, what did he look like? Can you describe him?”

Victim: “red shirt. He wore a red shirt. 

Marshal: “Okay. Can you tell me anything more about him?”

Victim: “He has a lot of money.”


Next week on “Crassie” -

“This pie tastes worse than my crotch!”


Dave:  “Are you seeing anyone, Cynthia?”

Cynthia:  “I DID have a boyfriend but he died after I killed him.”

Dave:   “I’m really sorry. I promise if you kill me, I won’t die”

17. Scene from season 1 of The Walking Dead

Walkers invaded the camp where the characters had been safe from walkers until this incident. Jim was bitten by a walker. Knowing he would die and become a danger, the group left Jim under a tree by a road to die without becoming a threat. He was handed a pistol to allow him to make the decision of turning into an undead or to take control and prevent his turning by using the revolver on his head.

"You keep your boy close. You don't never let him out of your sight." 

Is what Jim told Lori who years after being given Jim’s advice was even now watching her 45 year old son nail a broad in the back of his severely dilapidated Prius.


"Hello. May I ask who's calling?"

"Someone using a telephone."

=============    WARNING! NEWS BREAK!   =============

Anthony’s Weiner was released from federal prison in Massachusetts. The weiner served time for digitally exposing itself.

Upon its release, the weiner stated it felt fresh and hoped to avoid the abuse it had suffered in the past.

Talk to your doctor if your weiner feels the need to expose itself.

=============     NEWS BREAK BREAKS     =============


Marketing associate: "You brush your teeth twice a day diligently but 80% of the bacteria in your mouth comes from your anus..."

[ Pause ]

Client: "Stop right there! Great work. We'll broadcast these ads right to the dog's collar radio".


Therapist: “Your job? The one that took you away from everyone you cared about. What was it?”

Patient: “Used underwear salesman.”


Unknown man stands up at the end of a meeting table: "Painters of art say, if a new art is born, it will be born out of disgust."

Business manager: "Excuse me, just how did you get into the boardroom?"

Unknown man: “Your niece brought me here. We've been having sex under the table."

(The filthy business manager looks under the table)

Business manager: “That's my wife!"

Unknown man: "What the hell do I care? This meeting is pointless anyway.”


Sheriff: (grimly looking over a dead body) :
"We've got to find out who murdered this man."

Deputy: "if you ask me, it was the killer."

Scene: A courtroom. The sheriff is on the witness stand.

Sheriff: "I had no choice. I had to kill my deputy. Any one of you would have done the same thing."


Suspect: "Terry Dover? I had to kill her, for you see, I loved her. But I had no choice but to kill her. It was either that or tell her how I felt.”


Mary Jane: "Everything is a mess. It can't get any worse."

Irene: "It'll certainly never get any worse than that ensemble you're wearing"


Scene: A cave in the jungle. A man lies wrapped in webbing from a giant spider. His two friends clear the webbing from his disfigured face. A local cop hears the people and finds the couple looking horrified over seeing the body of their friend.

The cop approaches the body and feels for a pulse on the seemingly deceased man. The policeman looks saddened and passes his hand over the man's face to close the eyes.

Woman: "Is he dead?"

Policeman: "Yes."

Woman (shaking and crying a little): "Well, we can't just leave him here!"

Policeman: "Well, if you love him so much, why don't you marry him?"


Woman on the phone: “Police?”

Police: “Yes.”

Woman: “Somebody buried something in my backyard over by the barn. My cat kept scratching at the dirt so I started digging. You gotta send someone out here. I found a person’s arm in the hole!”

Police: “Just an arm?”

Woman: “I’m sure there’s a body down there.”

Police: “Is there an entire body down there or not?”

Woman: “What difference does it make? I found a human arm. Are you going to send someone out here?”

Police: “We’re the fucking police, damn it! We don’t have time to waste on body parts. Call us back when you dig up an entire body!” (Hangs up)

Woman: (looks at her cat) “If you were a dog, I’d kick you.”

7. Scene from The Walking Dead

Scene: Herschel and Merle are in the prison being used as a place of safety from the undead. Herschel is missing a leg.

Merle (to Herschel): "what happened to your leg?"

Herschel: "I got bit."

Merle: "Bit? Did you cut it off yourself?"

Herschel: "Rick did. Of course, at the time he didn't know I’d been bit."

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Tonight on "Suits"

A man wearing a suit places his left hand in his pants pocket, strolls down a hallway to a large window, and gazes out over the city. A second man in a suit appears next to the first man and places both his hands in his pants pockets. Both men look out the window with the calm appearance of self-satisfaction.

Forty minutes later, the credits roll.

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Bank teller: “Mr. Barkin?”

Barkin: “Yes?”

Bank teller: “There are some folks here to see you.”

Barkin: “Okay.”

Bank teller: “In your underwear”

Barkin: “Huh? Uhhhh. Wait a minute and show them in.”

5. Identification Thief

Police detective: “Excuse me Sir. Do you recognize any of the people in these photos?”

(Places 7 photos on the table top. The witness studies the photos closely.)

Witness: “they all look like Mark Wahlberg except this one.” 

(The Witness Points to the photo furthest on his right with the face he can’t identify)

Witness: “Who is that?”

Detective: “Mark Wahlberg”

4. Absolute Authority

Suspect: “So he bit me. He couldn’t fight like a man. What does that prove?”

Police Detective: “It proves you had all the motive in the world to kill him.”

Suspect: “Him and the 70 other guys who’ve bitten me! You’re going to have to do better than that.”

Police Detective: “You see this badge?”

Suspect: “Yeah. What of it?”

Police Detective: “I got it from a box of cracker jacks.”

Suspect: “Oh, shit!”

3. Pulling Rank

Uniformed Policeman: “There’s no broken glass from the window outside the house. It’s all inside the house. And, there’s a rock on the floor inside.”

Detective: “Somebody broke into the house.”

Uniformed Policeman: No shit, Sherlock! Where’d you get your badge, a box of cracker jacks?”

Detective: “My name’s not Sherlock.”

2. Interview with an Idiot

Scene: inside of a police interview room. There’s a two way mirror on one wall and a camera in an upper corner of the ceiling. The table in the room is noticeably dusty. The suspect is on one side of the table a little bit fidgety and looking toward a detective.

Police Detective: “Would you say you’re good friends with Bart Tolbey?”

Suspect: “I’ve seen him naked if that’s what you mean.”

Police Detective: “That’s not what I mean at all.”

1. The worst offense

Sheriff pulls over to the side of the road. A truck is parked to the side. It's the desert and the hillsides are barren despite being wilderness. The Sheriff exits his vehicle and approaches an officer who is looking over the body of a deceased male sprawled upon the ground.

Sheriff: "what have we got here?"

Patrolman: "A dead body sir."

Sheriff: "I see."

The patrolman waves over to the small freight truck.

Patrolman: "His vehicle is illegally parked."

Sheriff: "My god!"