Brief Unintelligible Recaps

 

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

The Walking Dead

Unknown episode.

Governor: 

"The first time we gathered there was nine of us holed up in an apartment with Spam and saltine crackers. Well look at us now!"

Someone in the Crowd: 

"we're all out of saltines you stupid incompetent loser! A monkey could run Woodbury better than you."

A different voice from the crowd: "let's kill the freak!"

We see the crowd tear the governor’s face off and shove it up his butt.

Mad Men

Preview of S7.E14 Person to Person

I saw a preview of the final episode of Mad Men . Don is picked up by a UFO and tortured for his recipe for crystal meth. He can't convince the gray he doesn't have one but he gets the gray to break open a bottle of bourbon. The gray asks how Don keeps his hair looking so cool and Don says he parts it with a hatchet. The gray kills himself trying to emulate Don's cool. Don takes control of the ship but can't go back to new York because Nixon carpet bombed the city on the advice of Henry Kissinger. 

I missed a part of the preview but then I saw a shot of Nixon and Kissinger in a freeze frame of them laughing at their antics and Don is about to destroy the white house with them in it.

Then instead of normal period music playing over the ending, we hear the theme to CHiPs.

Gunsmoke

Season.episode unknown

A jerk on Gunsmoke was falsely convicted of killing his friend. The judge sentenced him to hang in Hayes in 30 days and the guy got all hyper saying he was innocent.

I don’t know what his problem was. From what I could tell, he had nothing going on. His wife considered him a jerk. He didn’t look well groomed as he had no one to impress. He didn’t seem to have any real interests. I think he just wasted his time hunting and trying to gyp people.

Everyone in town disliked him enough to convict him despite a lack of witnesses.

Seems like hanging wouldn’t be so bad. 

Maybe he could eat a bunch of candy before the hanging and the kids in Hayes could use him for a piñata.

(I’m considering firing myself for a total lack of background and detail concerning this recap)

Gunsmoke

S4.E19 Passive Resistance

Two assfaces on Gunsmoke killed a guy’s sheep. 24 innocent sheep died. Murdered by cow dicks. I seen it happen and I’m hoping those cow licking sons of bitches get what’s coming to them. I’m going to tell the Marshal myself. The sheep guy is a nice old man who wouldn’t hurt anybody. He’s so peaceful that he won’t talk for fear of someone being hurt.

He’s broke. Ain’t got no wool to sell.

Oh no! The cow humpers returned and burned the man’s house and barn! I didn’t see it happen so I can’t be a witness this time.

Crap! The asses are going to assault Gideon, the sheep guy. One of the cow pokers rode a horse and dragged him with a rope. The Marshal ain’t gonna let it go this time! No sirree (I don’t know how to spell that). Oh wait, he ain’t doing nothing because Gideon won’t talk.

Cattle jerkers suck. Always have. Always will.

Wait! One of the cow suckers is getting drunk in the Long Branch. Looks like the Marshal overheard enough to know what’s going down. Drunk cow puller told the Marshal he seen what his soulless, gutless, cow sucking friend did to the old man.

Ha ha! Cow pig got knocked off by the Marshal!

That was a rough episode.

Star Trek

 S1.E18 Arena

I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.

Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.

Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.

Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!

Is there anything Kirk can’t do?

Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.

Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.

Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.

Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.

Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!

Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.

You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

But not still enough.

Movie (film) 1951

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!

Starsky and Hutch

Random Episode, Unknown.

I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.

Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.

So the whacko shot a cop.

Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”

Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”

Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.

Suckahs!

The Last Challenge - A Passing Review

The Last Challenge

 - A Passing Review

We just watched a movie titled The Last Challenge on TV. The script needs work. It could have much more natural language in it. Chad Everett and Angie Dickinson kind of stand around and the only thing moving are their mouths.

Chad comes from Tennessee but talks total 20th century. When we first meet his character, he claims he hadn't fished and eaten the fish since he was a kid. Somehow he lives in a world where you have to scrounge for dinner but never had to stop and consume fish you caught while passing through some woods.

Colored people are servants if they are black or drunk if they are native Americans in this film. The writer had a tiny brain.

Chad's clothing is prime. Just purchased from a store and perfectly cleaned and pressed. Angie has crazy fancy dresses which could be possible, but she runs a whorehouse while speaking like a high school drama student.

Glenn Ford is good but his role is written as Mr. Perfect ex-gunslinger who is now sheriff.

1967 should have produced something more gripping. I would say this would be a decent film if it were rewritten, more natural, and avoided stereotyping people of color.

The one good thing is Chad Everett has no pony tail. I think Chad is a good actor but I hate that goddamned ponytail. It's disturbed me since 'medical center'. In fact, I had a flashback to the ponytail while watching this film and had to be heckled by Sal to shut up about it.

How the West Was Won [Unknown Ep] Recap

 How the West Was Won

Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

by Jack Human

Episode unknown as it was seen upon happenstance.

***   Nothing to Spoil   ***

I think this show I happened upon by accident is “How the West was Won” which probably doesn’t address the fact that the west was brutally stolen.

However, on the plus side, James Arness had to knock Shatner down.

On the weird side, a girl is sick. The doctor is struggling with why her system isn’t fighting the illness which was caused by an insect or snake bite. Apparently, I have issues paying attention.

I think the girl is related to a guy played by an actor who invented a safe hair bleaching product for vaginas. His name is Bruce Boxlightener.

Arness decided to take the girl to an Arapaho village for treatment which makes sense because the Arapaho, having occupied the area for generations, may have experience treating such infections.

Oh no! Arness just knocked out Boxlightener possibly causing brain damage. Boxlightener thinks Arness’s name is Uncle Zeb now and people are referring to Boxlightener as “Luke”! Their brains got damaged too!

Fake uncle Zeb is insulting the Arapaho by talking in an odd manner. It's as if he believes the Arapaho are incapable of understanding English when, evidently, fake Zeb appears to have never bothered learning Arapaho.

I’m not even going to wait for this to end. The natives will fix the girl, and everyone will live happily ever after except for the natives and those who live to see WWI and the Great Depression.

Great Scott!

The show didn’t end. It’s continued. It turns out the girl’s issue is that she was stung by dozens of bees.

Fake Zeb’s idiot nephews are looking down on the natives for eating a meal. Seriously. I’m changing the channel and, so should you.

Note that someone felt the need to collect this series.

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A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

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Gunsmoke S11, E6 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Gunsmoke and didn’t report it to the principal.

Kioga

S11 E6

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

The assface banker on Gunsmoke refused to pay a Native American boy for some gold until the Marshal checks the Pawnee kid out. Banker assface took the gold from the kid and wouldn’t return it. In civilized nations, this is considered theft.

I just realized the budget of this episode must have been huge to cover the cost of thousands of gallons of whatever they used to paint the white actor playing a Native American. Maybe banker assface was pissed about a painted white kid trying to pass off the gold.

Another time, banker assface got pissed at the Marshal for not shooting the Marshal’s old friend in the back after the friend robbed the bank. The Marshal has been beaten and shot a thousand times for these ungrateful freaks and they can’t just back the guy up when he needs them. The guy has recovered 800 billion dollars' worth of cash, cattle, and jewelry for these morons.

He should of took up Marshalin’ in a normal state. A state that respects science and human rights.

The marshal had banker assface give him the $110.00 for the kid’s gold nugget. The kid bought a hat and is hunting down that scratchy voiced guy from Laredo for murdering his father. The Marshal’s pissed at Laredo guy for shooting the shadow of the kid. “If you’re going to fire your goddamned firearm in this town, you better hit a real person, Shithead!”

I wish I had a computer so I could write this all out real proper-like.

*** Commercial Break ***

Uh oh. Another American Standard tub commercial with a celebrity you would assume has better things to do. Eric Roberts. He plays shady jerks in Lifetime movies. At least Batman broke his legs once. I guess Roberts didn’t learn anything.

Jesus Christ! Like 5 commercials passed by as I typed out that tub paragraph.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Holy moly! The kid impersonating a Pawnee broke up the Long Branch and got in a fight with Festus. Now he’s in a cell next to murderin’ Laredo guy. The kid planted a knife in the cell window from the alleyway outside before getting busted so he could use it to stab Laredo guy.

Painted white kid was caught trying to stab Loredo guy so the Marshal is taking stabby painted white kid to a restaurant now to see if the kid will explain why he wants to stab Laredo guy. This Marshal is quite civilized. Too good for that crappy town.

The Marshal made Festus scrub all the floors in the jail. I’m not even sure Festus officially works for the Marshal. Fred Ziffel is insulting Laredo guy.

The kid shot at his old foe, Laredo guy, but missed all over the place. He should have stuck with the knife. It’s what Penguin would do. You can’t go wrong with good old-fashioned stabbing. It’s quiet and you get a workout. Stabbing people is much healthier than shooting them.

*** Commercial Break ***

It turns out I may have overactive bladder, or OAB. I’m supposed to call my doctor or visit some dot com place to learn more.

Call my doctor if you want to learn more about my bladder.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Crap! There’s shooting but I missed it because of my bladder. Painted White Kid (PWK) used a slingshot to knock out Laredo guy. The kid tied the guy to the ground near some ants while buzzards flew around. If those are fire ants, Laredo guy is in trouble. I got my hands chewed up by fire ants when I was in basic training in Georgia. Georgia needs better exterminators.

PWK is finally explaining that Laredo guy murdered his father and his sister.

PWK is leaving town on foot. He was allowed to carry a gun but can’t get a license to ride a horse.

"Oh, the burden of a bad paint job."

Columbo s7, e3 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Columbo.

Make Me a Perfect Murder

S7 E3

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

In this episode, a woman killed her boss for not giving her a promotion when he had been given a promotion and was moving on. I thought that was rude of him, but he did explain that she needed more time to develop the required skills. 

It turns out the boss was sleeping with the woman which is disgusting on a lot of levels. First of all, I’m pretty sure that in California the law states if a manager sleeps with an employee, the employee should receive overtime pay. This boss jerk bought the lady a new car which, let’s face it, does not meet the requirements of the sex overtime law.

California law also requires any manager who sleeps with an employee to also sleep with another employee who is of a different sex. The show gave no indication that this boss had balanced his creepy behavior with the woman by sleeping with a male employee in order to meet the standards required by the sexual harassment fairness doctrine.

The entire situation was just plain wrong. It’s possible that the script didn’t have time to allow this bad behavior to be explained, or we’re to assume that the boss paid the overtime and slept with that long haired young man, whose job was to do research, offscreen. To me, that’s bad writing.

I almost forgot what the story was about. The boss was murdered which shouldn’t even be a crime because humans have murdered one another for at least 100,000 years. Long before God created the earth. Why don’t we just make sneezing a crime? Humans do that too.

At one point, the woman massaged Columbo’s back and yet once again, there was no indication that a male also massaged Columbo’s back. Or massaged anything else.

Columbo told the woman she was under arrest and asked her to go with him.

I think that was the end.

A Television weighs no less than 30 tons.