Billy Tudor’s Frosty Meltdown

 Billy Tudor’s Frosty Meltdown

"For Frosty the snow man

Had to hurry on his way,

But he waved goodbye saying,

"Don't you cry,

I'll be back again someday.”

We never saw Frosty again after that day. As the children grew up, several believed the entire episode had been a false memory of a game played with friends.

There were rumors that young Billy Tudor committed suicide when he was 25 because he couldn't bare to live without the resolution of Frosty's promise to be back again someday. Billy had become addicted to drugs at the age of 13. Some feel he could not handle the stress of fearing over Frosty's unknown fate. If only there had been a telegram or voicemail letting us know Frosty was still okay. As it was, none of us knew whether Frosty ever lost the hat again, or whether he made it in time to the North Pole. Some suspected Climate Change may have destroyed Frosty. Whatever it was that happened to Frosty once he skipped town, it was far too much for Billy Tudor to endure the uncertainty of simply not knowing.

Broken Rails

 Our intrepid crew

Jack, in his box

Jack Human was born only once. He is 8 inches, 5 feet tall. I once asked him why he wore a coat and he responded, "Because I'm human, Robot... because I'm human... and it's winter... and, it's none of your business... and, please get off of my lap." Had I emotions, I would have wept at the sincerity with which he delivered this apt response.

Jack has traveled the world and has seen many things of which he will not speak. Despite coming across as a worldly and cultured man, Jack has his wild side and has even spent time in jail for attempting to fit inside a kangaroo's pouch at a famous California zoo. He was later pardoned when it was argued by his attorney that attempting to fit inside a pouch was not the same as actually being inside the pouch and, as such, was not a punishable offense. At least, not in Cambodia. Ten days later, the kangaroo and Jack were formally wed in a ceremony that involved biscuits and a cape.

It has been said of Jack that he also once took a shower. This has yet to be verified.

Robot's Rampage

Robot Fog was created by a rogue international agency. His original purpose was to blend into human society and report back to his creators who just happened to be jerks. Robot, however, was unimpressed with the agency's overall tyrannical goals and never bothered to report back to his degenerate creators who he believes are working on methods of spying on each and every individual on the planet Earth, for no other reason that they are paranoid, hypocritical, insensitive, often balding, control freaks, and they wear really bad suits.

He writes for this site because he fears no one, which isn't saying much, and because he lacks human emotion. Robot does, in fact, favor freedom over tyranny for the puny humans he chooses to live amongst (except, perhaps, for that man crouching by your car licking a headlight).

************ Warning!!! Advertisement ************

Must be 17 years of age or older to continue

Hi,

I’m Chester S. Limp, CEO of Smelly Nonsense.

We here at Smelly Nonsense want you to know that if our product worked, we wouldn’t be selling it.

************ End of Advertisement ************

Dick and his Dribble

Richard Dribble, also known as Dick because he's a right brutal bastard. And a dick.

Dick joined us when he entered our office without invitation and threatened to smear us with a gross slice of pizza. None of us could stand the thought of being smeared and had forgotten the number to call 911, so we played along hoping the dick would get bored and leave the state. He didn't.

Dick is utterly evil and is the psycho who places the ads on this site despite our policy to not have advertisements and not one ad ever bringing in a penny of revenue. He fancies himself a corporate star climbing the ladder to success and also cannot convince one single person to touch him when he is unclothed. 

Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

 Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

by Jack Human on Friday, May 4, 2012 at 12:16pm

A most unusual occurrence has taken place in the city of Lisbon. A microscopic worm attacked the city showing no signs of mercy.

The worm is an unknown species which, up until the attack, has been overlooked by incompetent scientists worldwide. Even at this time, there is some disagreement among members of the scientific community as to what exact species the worm is. Also unknown is the worm’s origin, its’ appearance, and whether or not it prefers Rodney Dangerfield over Richard Pryor.

The city of Lisbon itself seems somewhat complacent about the dreadful attack. Some of the city’s inhabitants attribute the source of complacency to the fact that the worm was microscopic and that not only was it invisible to the general population, but it caused no damage to anything other than itself.

It seems that the worm ran out from an alleyway at what scientists predict was a speed of three weeks per inch and headed directly for a group of tourists. As the worm worked its’ way into the second inch of its gruesome attack, the tourists all got on a jet plane and headed home due to the impending end of their vacations.

Before anybody knew it, the worm turned its’ attention upon a small dog. This, apparently, was a mistake which turned out to be deadly for the worm because, as it veered toward the dog, a lumbering drug addict passed by and stepped upon the worm. The worm was not killed immediately, however. It seems to have survived on the bottom of the drug addict’s shoe until the drug addict entered a filthy alley where he meant to make a drug purchase. As the addict approached the drug dealer, he stepped in a puddle of human urine, thus ending the vicious attack of the worm upon an innocent European city (that is, if Lisbon is even in Europe. I fear my editor is too cheap to buy a globe for the office).

Many people are left wondering, where did this microscopic worm come from? Are there more worms such as this one? Is this story even true? Well, I can’t answer any of these questions myself. If possible, we at this publication will locate an expert who can answer these questions and other questions like them.

For those who may be interested, the drug addict is doing fine and has returned to his job as an engineer on a train. The addict wishes everyone well who has shown concern for him and asks that his name not be made known to the authorities.

Byline by Jack Human

Ads Without Distractions 23

Robot’s Rants

 Robot’s Rants

Again, listed in reverse order

11.

People keep saying “have a happy new year” and I respond, “don’t tell me what to do, you son of a potato peeling bastard!”

10.

Since I didn't bother to breed, I'm going to be cared for by your dumb kids, so raise them right, dirtbags.

9.

People say Danny Trejo is evil. So he kills them.

********************   WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT   ********************

Warning: if your doctor informs you that you have a double chin, DO NOT TAKE ANY MEDICATION! 

Drugs are harmful and may cause heart, liver, spleen, thyroid, stomach, bowel, arterial, hair, and kidney damage. Even worse, medications may help you to live longer.

Safely remove your debilitating and disfiguring double chin with a potato peeler. Be certain to only use a potato peeler purchased from me, Doctor Dick Dribble, otherwise I won't make money.

Advertisement payed for by the Triple D association for the prevention of mental health.

********************   ADVERTISEMENT FINISHED   ********************

8.

"I’m starting a new line of pants that auto castrates the wearer.

I expect my customer base will diminish over time but I’m okay with that."

7.

Someone told me wearing a medical face mask cuts down on your oxygen. I responded, “Let us see if that’s true.”

I put a pulsometer on their finger for 5 minutes while they wore their face mask. Then I had them remove the mask. I made sure the pulsometer was still on and then put a thick plastic bag over their head.

When I removed the bag after 5 minutes, I did not hear them complain.

6.

I heard some Christmas music that lifted my spirits rather than goad me into wanting to kick over every shelf in the store. Have I aged? Maybe cynicism can wear you down until your soul screams for a mere crack through which to peer upon anything other than this 'real' world.

5.

Life is a disease. My team of top scientists and I plan on stamping it out.

4.

Get well soon, or die trying.

3.

How about that commercial where the guy buries his choppers beneath 28,000 tons of cement and is too damn lazy to dig them out so he goes to a dentist and gets new choppers in just a few days in time to eat the most hot dogs in human history?

He specifically states “humans” but I'm betting there are aliens, reptiles or even a dog somewhere who beat the record. There are species other than humans that eat hot dogs, you know.

Anyway, as your stupid narrator, I have to get to the point which is that I wonder if the commercial guy's dentist saw the ad and wondered, "I killed a hitchhiker and stole his identity just so I wouldn't have to go to medical school for this?"

2.

Dear Sir or Madam, 

The earth is not flat despite the earth having flat surfaces. The entire planet is shaped like a square. Much like your head, it’s a cube. That is how a human can walk from one pole to the other without falling off of the earth. Gravity serves a purpose. It is also why the north and the south pole do not occasionally slide across the continents and the oceans. They are confined to their resident square.

Yours truly,

A Grotesque & Incompetent Facebot

P.S. 

The sun is flat. Just look at it. Stare at it for several hours.

1.

The internet as we know it now was discovered only a couple of hundred years ago by Mischievous Rollbumbus. Up until then, the primitive filthy human population across the planet had no access to information or knowledge.

Despite the discovery of the internet, many filthy humans, to this very day, lack the ability to write coherent sentences. Some simply cannot spell while others are reduced to using abbreviations such as “LOL” which means “low on love” or “BMF” which means “bowel movements forever”.

The goal of this course is to discern the best manner of withdrawing from this cultural and social horror and of becoming completely invisible to these miserable beasts.

Students are welcome to bring a friend but, more importantly, to bring cashmere.

Signed,

your aura

Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

 Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

Hi, Dick Dribble here. I decided to add value to this site without even bothering to inform Robot or Jack. What I do is none of their business. That cad, Robot, may as well be a toaster oven.

In reverse order like my life:

17.

I've decided to stop wearing underwear since I just peed myself and I'm also seriously considering getting butt implants on my head!

16.

I just found a squirrel in my underwear. Shots were fired.

**** publisher’s note ****

We here at Broken Trains are happy that the squirrel escaped but sad that Dick Dribble survived. We do not in any way support the existence of Dick Dribble.

**** END publisher’s note ****

15.

The Rise of Dickjerker

Coming in a theater near you!

Bring a raincoat. There won’t be a dry eye in the house.

14.

If I smell like a baby, it's because I pooped myself.

13. Overheard on the bridge.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish brewing my coffee.”

12.

I might consider using Viagra but, with my luck, would probably just wind up fucking myself.

11.

Facebook is the opium of the bastards

10.

I just wrote a song titled, "I am your mother's prostitute". I have another in the works named, "Your lips hardly feed me".

9.

No matter what I wore, I always wondered if people could see my bladder leak absorbing underwear. Now I wear it on the outside of my clothing so I can be sure it’s noticed.

Maybe I’ll wear my bladder on the outside and eliminate the need for expensive absorbing underwear.

8.

If I were a doctor, I’d kill all the other doctors in town. Then I’d be the only doctor in town and such a valuable commodity that I could get away with murder.

7.

Hey! It's me, that jerk you'd all like to see dead!

Well I'm going to make your wish come true but it's going to cost you $15.00

That's $15.00 per viewing. So if you walk away and decide you want another view, it will cost another $15.00.

6.

I was forcibly removed from philosophy class for kicking somebody in the Kant.

5.

While you jerks were out jerkin' it, I legally changed my name to Dwight: "Dwight Ransom". My friends call me "Handsome Ransom", even though I'm not handsome. And I don't have any friends, so pretty much nobody calls me that. What's my point? Why don't YOU tell ME!

6.

Moss Doodleman, Putrid Buttstink, and Dick Puller all walk into a bar...

And are asked to leave.

5.

Hi! I’m a dick.

When a traffic light turns green, I stay where I am and play with myself for up to 70 minutes even if the streets are clear of other vehicles. 

It’s important I do this because I’m a dick.

Did I mention I’m a dick?

4.

After watching 5 billion televised true crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I now use an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

Thank you, true crime shows.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

3.

Dr. Dick Dribble was sitting across the desk from his newest patient, Abatha Cranberk.

"So, how long have you been a doctor?", asked Abatha. 

"Oh, since I placed 'Dr.' in front of my name 2 weeks ago.", replied Doctor Dribble.

2.

Salad dressing? Salad isn't a Barbie doll that you play with and dress up for fun. DO YOU THINK EATING SALAD IS A MOTHERFUCKING GAME?

1. Pain free services

If you suffer from muscle pains and cramps in your legs or your feet, for a small fee, I will remove your legs or your feet. You will be entirely relieved of all discomfort and pain for the cost of merely $1.79. Do your legs suffer pains and cramps, but your feet are no trouble at all? For $2.56, I will remove your legs while leaving your feet.

Call now. 877.pai.nless

The Last Challenge - A Passing Review

The Last Challenge

 - A Passing Review

We just watched a movie titled The Last Challenge on TV. The script needs work. It could have much more natural language in it. Chad Everett and Angie Dickinson kind of stand around and the only thing moving are their mouths.

Chad comes from Tennessee but talks total 20th century. When we first meet his character, he claims he hadn't fished and eaten the fish since he was a kid. Somehow he lives in a world where you have to scrounge for dinner but never had to stop and consume fish you caught while passing through some woods.

Colored people are servants if they are black or drunk if they are native Americans in this film. The writer had a tiny brain.

Chad's clothing is prime. Just purchased from a store and perfectly cleaned and pressed. Angie has crazy fancy dresses which could be possible, but she runs a whorehouse while speaking like a high school drama student.

Glenn Ford is good but his role is written as Mr. Perfect ex-gunslinger who is now sheriff.

1967 should have produced something more gripping. I would say this would be a decent film if it were rewritten, more natural, and avoided stereotyping people of color.

The one good thing is Chad Everett has no pony tail. I think Chad is a good actor but I hate that goddamned ponytail. It's disturbed me since 'medical center'. In fact, I had a flashback to the ponytail while watching this film and had to be heckled by Sal to shut up about it.

Jack Human's First Shorts

 As opposed to real ideas, this page is designed to express my thoughts.

Jack Human

In reverse order:

30.

One time I had a glove and it had jewels in it. I thought it was all groovy so I snapped my fingers but then half my toes and nipples disappeared.

29. Pizza be with ye, Bro.

Compassion for all but those who lack compassion.

Judge none but those who judge

No mercy for the merciless 

Pizza

World Pizza

28.

If I have kids, or trick a woman into having them for me, I’m going to make their legal last names “Chump”.

Then other parents can make statements such as:

“You better not be hanging around with that Chump.”

“Stay the hell away from those Chumps.”

“I’ll take your phone away if I catch you talking to that rotten Chump.”

“Get the hell out of my yard, Chump!”

27.

I have an idea for a contraption I refer to as the "horseless carriage". The problem is that I can see the idea working without most of the horse but it looks like I'm going to have to utilize horse legs in order to propel the vehicle. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and take the legs off of my horses. We'll see how it goes. The "Mostly horseless carriage". It just might work.

26.

Up until the 1980’s, perhaps the 1990’s, you could smoke cigarettes on a plane but you couldn’t use a cell phone. Now you can use your cell phone but you can’t smoke cigarettes. I think you can smoke cigars but no one does because now you can’t carry a goddamned knife on the flight to cut the end of the cigar off.

Airlines are run by jerks

25.

Your constant war cries do nothing more than make me determined to take you down. By the way, they also let me know your position.

24.

I live my life a quart of milk at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the bowl. Not the cereal. Just the milk. For those 3 seconds. I'm free.

23.

I was imagining famous people with no clothes on. Then I got dressed and took a shower.

22.

A woman in the supermarket today had 4 children possibly under the age of 4 along with her. Two children walking and two inside the shopping cart.

I expected to hear someone page, "overpopulation in aisle 20".

21.

Do.

Don't do.

Do do.

Make up your shitty mind!

20.

I have a terribly grotesque growth on my head. When I see it, I become nauseous and vomit violently. The doctor calls the growth a face

19.

I wish my imagination were big enough that I could merely be a figment of it.

18.

Never having had children of my own, sometimes I'll see other people's children and wonder whether I should take one.

17.

I changed my will so the only person who receives my grand fortune is the one directly responsible for my death.

16.

Murphy’s Law - movie 1986, or 1896? Starring Charles Bronson.

Charles Bronson hurls groceries at the windshield of his stolen car. Shitty 80’s production and soundtrack causes you to wish you were a can of tuna in the grocery bag rather than experiencing the movie.

Also: Murphy's law is a U.S. senate proposal to make it illegal to refer to any movie/video production from the 1980's as film.

15.

Romey Crep, Carl Killion, Tush Lee, and Onie Hager walk into a bra. The bratender says, “If’n yer looking for booze, all we got in here is milk!” Onie’s cow busts into the bra, kicks the bratender in the face and says, “Moooo!”

14.

I remember paying about $1.25 to see a movie when I was a kid so that’s still all I give them when I go to the theater.

13.

Handguns are interesting in organized shooting tournaments and general shooting at targets, and then bringing home so's the children can shoot up their schools and each other.

One time I removed my pants and there was this freakish thing wiggling between my legs so I shot it. I feel much safer now.

=============    ADVERTISEMENT STARTS    =============

TONIGHT ON SUITS:

A son of a bitch is fired for wearing a suit purchased at K-Mart.

=============    ADVERTISEMENT ENDS    =============

12.

Yesterday someone gave me a speech about democrats wanting gasoline to be $10.00 a gallon. I said no they don’t want that but I do. Today I’m adding “if it means you can’t afford to drive here and say this junk”

Now, imagine you’re in another dimension and the word junk is another way of saying the word shit. Now, get the hell back to your own dimension.

11.

"I just want my jizz back"

says Frank "Jizzyhands" Short.

He is forlorn and his jizz socket is empty

10.

I tested my blood. It was a bit tangy. I'm going to check my urine now.

9.

If you ask me, Porky is a pig

8.

I've decided to abandon the zombies in the upcoming apocalypse and side with Caesar's apes.

7.

I wanted to turn off my computer. So, I removed my shirt.

6.

I am getting even better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else. Soon, I will be capable of dialing a phone with… 

my hand!

5.

Why are so many of you on this site so often? God! Why don't you just get a life. If you'd like to get a life, mine's available and bidding begins in one hour at $20.00 American dollars. The merchandise will be sold 'as is'.

(I misspelled few as many)

4.

I am thinking someone should create a site for drunks and name it FacedBook.

I'm considering starting a site named FaceRift. People will all get together in small friendly groups and families, then some drama will cause a rift in the relationships.

3.

When I was a cop investigating homicides, I used to show up at crime scenes when I had a cold. I recall sneezing all over evidence while examining it. Eventually I realized sneezing was why I turned up as a major suspect in 17 out of 23 crimes I investigated but I had a job to do. Families of the victims needed closure, so I continued to report to work while sick. When I was about to retire, I received an award for being cleared of homicide charges more than anyone else on the force.

2.

I done been thinking I am a genius.

How do I know this?

People often whip darts at my head. They know I’m smart enough to get the point.

Hatari!

1.

I was at my Health portal to prepare for a Doctor's visit and it lists some of my issues. I saw Nocturia and didn't know what it is so I clicked on the information link and it came up with:

"Urinary Problems During Pregnancy"

I didn't even know I was pregnant and my doctor never even told me. It was recorded in 2018 so I've been pregnant for at least 6 years.

Fill in the blank

  Fill in the blank

Hi kids! Fill in the blank [   ].  Have hours of fun with the entire family. 

======================

Dear [     ],

You’re a pig and a freak. Corpses are more human than you are. The fact that you weren’t stillborn proves without a doubt that there is no god.

I’d say “see you in hell” but hell has standards.

Goodbye 

Goodbye 

Goodbye

Trial by Terror

Trial by Terror

A boy in his teens is perched upon the witness stand in a court room. He is well dressed in a stylish suit and is wearing a mask on his face.

Judge: "... go on, young man."

The boy: "He made me wear a legless bodysuit..." 

The boy breaks down a little bit. Tears run down his face from beneath the mask which is somewhat slim as it wraps around the upper part of his face. His face is fairly clear except for the mask which passes over his eyes, and, of course, his tears as they run down from beneath the mask.

The boy squirms around a bit and regains some of his composure.

The boy (sniffling a little): "and he made me wear... he made me wear... a yellow cape!"

There is an audible gasp from the observers in the court room.

District Attorney: "Is the man who forced you to wear this humiliating clothing here in this courtroom?"

The Boy: "Yes."

District Attorney: "For the benefit of the jury, can you point to the man who treated you so abhorrently?"

The Boy: "Yes."

District Attorney: "Will you please point to him now?"

The boy points across the courtroom to the table where the defendent is slouching.

District Attorney: "Please tell us the name of this monster who treated you so abominably!"

The boy: "His name is, Batman!"

A gasp arises from the jury as though they had no idea of where the testimony was leading. Batman sits up straight and waves to Robin who is on the witness stand. The District Attorney turns to Batman.

District Attorney: "What could you possibly have to say for yourself!"

Batman: "Well I would have used a monkey but I needed a sidekick who could dress himself."

Bad day, face down in the cabbage, Honey!

 Bad day, face down in the cabbage, Honey!

"Thay ain't no way outta here!", - shouts

The estranged waiter as he blocks the exits and goes

to crouch back in his corner in the kitchen 

which he refuses to leave until 

he sees hisself getting a tip

despite toppling a bowl of sludge

upon the surly skulls of messident Goober

and his chronics.

A cranky elevator operator

                           Slash

                 house detective 

throws a half empty puket of shrink

over the oval head that anchors the waiter's 

mewling face to his shirt/vest.

Some substance similar to seafood sauce 

drips & drips & drips

eternally, eternally dripping,

uncomfortably close to the waiter’s nosetrails. 

Funny powerful short monkey-like breaths of terror 

Begin shoooosting out from the waiter’s face

like enraged, yet invalid, worms.

The elevator operator

                  Slash

        house detective 

looks to the table at which

messident goober and his chronics crouch with their hunger.

Their majestically comical brows are lowered. 

The Goob has no wash to wash. 

He is Goober who lives in the house of Dwight. 

Low paid locals perform Goober’s chump work and 

clean up the remnants of the waiter's dripping sludge.

Goober's FBI certified Doctor A-Okays the sludge 

as being clean of germs and/or other contaminants.

The doctor states, - “no living being or mutation 

can survive the barren landscape 

of goober's unholy unconscionable soul.

Just ask the FDA.”

The waiter doesn't receive his tips. He be a-taken to a cell 

where he be told that he be no longer a part of the waiter society and class. 

And, as such, having been stripped of his rankness,

he is terrifying, if not to others, then certainly, to himself. 

The waiter is told to go serve his self - if he can find it.

"Some crazy-like things just drip, while others explode."

Fight the Shorts!

by Jack Human

I remember being naked when I was born. I felt groovy and everything was cool but then, some jerk placed me on a table and stuck thick tiny shorts on me. It pissed me off so I crapped and pissed in order to make the person take the unnatural trash off me.

I succeeded. The filthy shorts were removed. I thought I was free and dared to smile. Alas! I was wrong. Another pair of stupid shorts were placed upon me. Pinned! I was trapped.

This cycle continued until one day, I grabbed some covering of my own. A lighter pair of shorts and some pants. My plan was to cover myself in order to prevent the psycho from throwing me down on the table and continuing the cycle of abuse. Since I knew the monster was driven to gather my feces and urine, I stopped pooing and peeing while wearing my restricting rags. I figured someday I would be free and could go back to being naked all the time again.

However, I had unwittingly started another cycle whereby it had become an ingrained routine keeping myself covered all the time.

I tell you this because I want to prevent others from having their lives destroyed. So, if someone throws you on a table and attempts to pin thick shorts on you, FIGHT! KICK! PUNCH! CRY! Do anything you have to do to stay proudly naked.

Side notes and observations:

• If you don’t have a mask, wear pants over your face.
• Punch the wind if it tries to blow you.
• Eat elephant feet only if the elephant agrees.
• Cabbage might taste good but you don’t want to be seen in public with it.
• Empty the gas tank of your vehicle before driving in order to save fuel.

Graphics Without Points

 Graphics Without Points

Myself on a good day

=============    ADVERTISEMENT STARTS    =============

Next on "Suits"

A man is fired for having a frayed cuff.

A mass murderer with an AK47 fails to kill everyone in the office because security guards prevent him from entering the building due to his shoes not matching his suit.

A woman drinks heavily because she feels women's dress suits will never be respected on a par with men's attire.

The network considers banning audience members who wear Tee shirts while watching the show from home.

=============    ADVERTISEMENT ENDS    =============

Jubilee in degradation

fascinating disruption.

I am not a poke in the eye. eye yam in some cog neato

How the West Was Won [Unknown Ep] Recap

 How the West Was Won

Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

by Jack Human

Episode unknown as it was seen upon happenstance.

***   Nothing to Spoil   ***

I think this show I happened upon by accident is “How the West was Won” which probably doesn’t address the fact that the west was brutally stolen.

However, on the plus side, James Arness had to knock Shatner down.

On the weird side, a girl is sick. The doctor is struggling with why her system isn’t fighting the illness which was caused by an insect or snake bite. Apparently, I have issues paying attention.

I think the girl is related to a guy played by an actor who invented a safe hair bleaching product for vaginas. His name is Bruce Boxlightener.

Arness decided to take the girl to an Arapaho village for treatment which makes sense because the Arapaho, having occupied the area for generations, may have experience treating such infections.

Oh no! Arness just knocked out Boxlightener possibly causing brain damage. Boxlightener thinks Arness’s name is Uncle Zeb now and people are referring to Boxlightener as “Luke”! Their brains got damaged too!

Fake uncle Zeb is insulting the Arapaho by talking in an odd manner. It's as if he believes the Arapaho are incapable of understanding English when, evidently, fake Zeb appears to have never bothered learning Arapaho.

I’m not even going to wait for this to end. The natives will fix the girl, and everyone will live happily ever after except for the natives and those who live to see WWI and the Great Depression.

Great Scott!

The show didn’t end. It’s continued. It turns out the girl’s issue is that she was stung by dozens of bees.

Fake Zeb’s idiot nephews are looking down on the natives for eating a meal. Seriously. I’m changing the channel and, so should you.

Note that someone felt the need to collect this series.

=============    ADVERTISEMENT STARTS    =============

NEXT ON SUITS:

A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

=============    ADVERTISEMENT ENDS    =============

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Newly translated by Rebis

Previously published in Hobo Pancakes March 1, 2015

Available in the archives:
Articles of Faith - isa hopkins (redwoodandbirch.com)

Judges 1

 Judah Takes the Lead

After Joshua died, the Israelites asked the Lord, “Who should lead the invasion against the Canaanites and launch the attack?” The Lord said, “No one. Invasion is wrong.” The men of Judah turned to their relatives, the men of Simeon who were known for their bright red butts and said, “Invade our allotted land with us and help us attack the Canaanites. Then we will go with you into your allotted land and give you STD's.” So, the men of Simeon went with them leaving the Lord to ask, “What? Am I speaking in tongues?”

The men of Judah savagely attacked the Canaanites and Perizzites and the Lord said, “What is your problem? Did you not hear me tell you invasion is wrong?” The men of Judah killed ten thousand men at Bezek before realizing that they now would never get back the money they had loaned out to them. They met Adoni-Bezek at Bezek and fought him over who would pick up the tab for the burials and, soon after, defeated the Canaanites and Perizzites at strip poker. When Adoni-Bezek ran away in humiliation, they chased after and captured him. Then they cut off his thumbs and big toes. Adoni-Bezek said, “Seventy kings, with thumbs and big toes cut off, used to lick up food scraps under my table. God has repaid me for what I did to them.” The Lord spoke, “Don't blame me for the actions of this pack of psychopaths.” The men of Judah brought Adoni-Bezek to Jerusalem where he eventually died due to his inability to pick up a fork without thumbs. The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem and captured it. They put the sword to it and set the city on fire once again leaving themselves homeless in the desert.

Later the men of Judah went down to attack the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev, and the lowlands. The men of Judah attacked the Canaanites living in Hebron. (Hebron used to be called Kiriath Arba but was changed because too many misspellings of 'Kiriath' caused problems with the local postal service.) They killed Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai for no particular reason and, from there, attacked the people of Debir. (Debir used to be called Kiriath Sepher until the mayor learned to read the town's welcome sign.) Caleb said, “To the man who attacks and captures Kiriath Sepher I will give my daughter Acsah as a wife.” The Lord spoke, "The name of the place is 'Debir’, and I do not advocate giving away women as prizes." When Othniel son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother, captured Debir, Caleb gave him his daughter Acsah as a wife. Othniel asked Caleb, "May I use her as a goat rather than as a wife for, seriously, I need the milk." To which Caleb replied, "No. Just shut-up and marry your cousin."

One time, Acsah came and charmed her father so she could ask him for some land and a flyswatter. When she got down from her donkey, Caleb said to her, “It's about time you got off your ass. What would you like?” She answered, “Please give me a special present as opposed to just a regular present because I'd really like a special present. Since you have given me land in the Negev, now give me springs of water to put out the fires the men keep starting.” So, Caleb gave her both the upper and lower springs and said, “Here is your water. Would you care for some figs with that?” Acseh replied, “No thank you, father. The last time I served figs to Othniel he beat me, for he fears them.” Caleb responded, “As he rightfully should.” The Lord pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger while shaking his head ruefully.

Now the descendants of the Kenite, Moses’ father-in-law, gathered up their golf clubs and went up with the people of Judah from the City of Date Palm Trees to Arad, the toughest sand trap in the desert of Judah, located in the Negev. They went and lived with the people of Judah who, though very gracious, often complained about the descendants of the Kenite whenever they were out of earshot.

The men of Judah went with their brothers, the diseased red butted men of Simeon, and defeated the Canaanites living in Zephath. They wiped out Zephath. So, people now call the city Hormah which, in the tongue of Judah, means Zephath. The men of Judah captured Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, and the territory surrounding each of these cities only to realize the cities had already belonged to them.

Despite having better places to be, the Lord was with the men of Judah. The men of Judah conquered the hill country, but they could not conquer the people living in the coastal plain, because they had chariots with iron-rimmed wheels, and the Lord was not about to give this technology to a bunch of cruel bastards. Caleb received Hebron, just as Moses had promised, and drove out the three Anakites to watch a new show opening in the theater district. The men of Benjamin, who had mistaken their loincloths for weapons, did not conquer the Jebusites living in Jerusalem. The Jebusites live with the people of Benjamin in Jerusalem to this very day despite the lease clearly stating no more than 4 occupants to an apartment.

End

crucifixion needs a-fixin’

This is dim. I wrote it because I saw a dirty picture of Jesus in someone's house. I wrote it to the tune of the theme song from "Eight is Enough" which I can't even remember.

I'm not even going to pretend this is anything but goofy. Someone told me that for me to write a song about Jesus is like a worm describing daylight.

That's right! I'm a worm and I'm proud of it! I writhe and I squirm and I aerate the earth. You want some some aeration? Come get some!

Motherwormers

crucifixion needs a-fixin’

There’s a replica of the crucifixion

hanging by the kitchen door.

The television is across the room

sitting hunched upon the floor.

It is there by the glowing screen

where all the family's eyes are locked.

They all stare at the flickering screen,

              shining new and never rusting

              from its’ just recent cleaning,

and back just across the room

hanging where he’s always been,

as it’s always been the custom,

Jesus is in need of dusting.

There’s a picture of Jesus Christ

hanging on the wall by the staircase.

The family runs up and down

to and fro, in and out,

but while they often stop

at the bottom of the steps

by the table with the vase

to kick the dirt from their feet

that they’ve been dragging through the mud

noone who stops looks to see

the picture of our savior

almost hidden ‘neath the dust.

And, if you’ve been living like this

you should know it for yourself

that you can’t blame anyone else

for the dirt you keep in your house.

So get your rags and your broom

and your sponge and your mop.

Clean the shadows from your eyes

and the cobwebs from your heart.

Let your window panes be cleaned

and show clearer than their glass.

Let the new morning shine through

to defrost the frost of the past.

Then when your neighbors come visit

and are standing in your hall,

let them see the clean pictures

that you hang upon your wall.

Let them see that your heart is wide open

toward the man who paid his great price,

the man who gave his life upon the cross,

the man we all know as Jesus Christ.

The Hollow, Classroom

I don't know if this is anything. It's like it starts out with a possible purpose and then just crumbles until it dangles. 

IT DEFINITELY IS NOT FINISHED PRODUCT

Oh, and I legally changed my name to "Nelson Fluffernutter" 

the following a-be the thing

===================================================

The Hollow

Inside the hollow emptiness

where the Flying Dutchman has made its home

live and die the trolls in their chains

trying to make deals with the gnomes.

“Who invented this darkness?”,

inquires a dwarf with a pain.

Just then enters a hypnotist

who’s been waiting in the rain

with his eyeballs all bloodshot

from the mercury in his brain.

He raises his watch to his eye

and declares all self-satisfied

“You should not ask who.

what you should ask, is why.”

“You should not ask who but, why.”

(If all the Beings

of the written sky

would only reveal

their naked eyes…)

==============================================

Required follow up:

Now, does the writer give the impression they have a working intellect?

Does the writer favor the hypnotist or the trolls? What about the imaginary character the writer didn't even bother to write into the piece?

Was it necessary for the writer to restate "you should not ask who" as though they had forgotten what they were attempting to accomplish?

If the writer asked nicely, would you hand over the keys to your automobile?

Is that a Twisted Sister pin on your uniform?

Gunsmoke S11, E6 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Gunsmoke and didn’t report it to the principal.

Kioga

S11 E6

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

The assface banker on Gunsmoke refused to pay a Native American boy for some gold until the Marshal checks the Pawnee kid out. Banker assface took the gold from the kid and wouldn’t return it. In civilized nations, this is considered theft.

I just realized the budget of this episode must have been huge to cover the cost of thousands of gallons of whatever they used to paint the white actor playing a Native American. Maybe banker assface was pissed about a painted white kid trying to pass off the gold.

Another time, banker assface got pissed at the Marshal for not shooting the Marshal’s old friend in the back after the friend robbed the bank. The Marshal has been beaten and shot a thousand times for these ungrateful freaks and they can’t just back the guy up when he needs them. The guy has recovered 800 billion dollars' worth of cash, cattle, and jewelry for these morons.

He should of took up Marshalin’ in a normal state. A state that respects science and human rights.

The marshal had banker assface give him the $110.00 for the kid’s gold nugget. The kid bought a hat and is hunting down that scratchy voiced guy from Laredo for murdering his father. The Marshal’s pissed at Laredo guy for shooting the shadow of the kid. “If you’re going to fire your goddamned firearm in this town, you better hit a real person, Shithead!”

I wish I had a computer so I could write this all out real proper-like.

*** Commercial Break ***

Uh oh. Another American Standard tub commercial with a celebrity you would assume has better things to do. Eric Roberts. He plays shady jerks in Lifetime movies. At least Batman broke his legs once. I guess Roberts didn’t learn anything.

Jesus Christ! Like 5 commercials passed by as I typed out that tub paragraph.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Holy moly! The kid impersonating a Pawnee broke up the Long Branch and got in a fight with Festus. Now he’s in a cell next to murderin’ Laredo guy. The kid planted a knife in the cell window from the alleyway outside before getting busted so he could use it to stab Laredo guy.

Painted white kid was caught trying to stab Loredo guy so the Marshal is taking stabby painted white kid to a restaurant now to see if the kid will explain why he wants to stab Laredo guy. This Marshal is quite civilized. Too good for that crappy town.

The Marshal made Festus scrub all the floors in the jail. I’m not even sure Festus officially works for the Marshal. Fred Ziffel is insulting Laredo guy.

The kid shot at his old foe, Laredo guy, but missed all over the place. He should have stuck with the knife. It’s what Penguin would do. You can’t go wrong with good old-fashioned stabbing. It’s quiet and you get a workout. Stabbing people is much healthier than shooting them.

*** Commercial Break ***

It turns out I may have overactive bladder, or OAB. I’m supposed to call my doctor or visit some dot com place to learn more.

Call my doctor if you want to learn more about my bladder.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Crap! There’s shooting but I missed it because of my bladder. Painted White Kid (PWK) used a slingshot to knock out Laredo guy. The kid tied the guy to the ground near some ants while buzzards flew around. If those are fire ants, Laredo guy is in trouble. I got my hands chewed up by fire ants when I was in basic training in Georgia. Georgia needs better exterminators.

PWK is finally explaining that Laredo guy murdered his father and his sister.

PWK is leaving town on foot. He was allowed to carry a gun but can’t get a license to ride a horse.

"Oh, the burden of a bad paint job."

A Suffering Syndrome

A Suffering Syndrome

After years of research, I have discovered an undocumented condition suffered by many people. It's called ASS: Anal Shift Syndrome.

Anal Shift Syndrome involves a person's anus becoming unanchored and floating about over the body most often coming to rest above the chin and below the nose where the mouth is located. On those times when the anus displaces the mouth, ASS is most easily identifiable as the individual will often be speaking shit. So, if someone is speaking shit, don't become angry.

Be compassionate. There is no cure for ASS. And you are better than they are. Much, much better.

If you suffer from ASS, tell your doctor. ASS sufferers are often unaware they suffer from Anal Shift and must be told. Patients who speak shit tend to disbelieve their diagnosis and are often in need of restraining and wiping. If you know of someone who suffers from ASS, and they cannot be convinced to seek medical assistance, notify the authorities and tell them the individual is armed and dangerous to others around them and society at large.

Columbo s7, e3 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Columbo.

Make Me a Perfect Murder

S7 E3

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

In this episode, a woman killed her boss for not giving her a promotion when he had been given a promotion and was moving on. I thought that was rude of him, but he did explain that she needed more time to develop the required skills. 

It turns out the boss was sleeping with the woman which is disgusting on a lot of levels. First of all, I’m pretty sure that in California the law states if a manager sleeps with an employee, the employee should receive overtime pay. This boss jerk bought the lady a new car which, let’s face it, does not meet the requirements of the sex overtime law.

California law also requires any manager who sleeps with an employee to also sleep with another employee who is of a different sex. The show gave no indication that this boss had balanced his creepy behavior with the woman by sleeping with a male employee in order to meet the standards required by the sexual harassment fairness doctrine.

The entire situation was just plain wrong. It’s possible that the script didn’t have time to allow this bad behavior to be explained, or we’re to assume that the boss paid the overtime and slept with that long haired young man, whose job was to do research, offscreen. To me, that’s bad writing.

I almost forgot what the story was about. The boss was murdered which shouldn’t even be a crime because humans have murdered one another for at least 100,000 years. Long before God created the earth. Why don’t we just make sneezing a crime? Humans do that too.

At one point, the woman massaged Columbo’s back and yet once again, there was no indication that a male also massaged Columbo’s back. Or massaged anything else.

Columbo told the woman she was under arrest and asked her to go with him.

I think that was the end.

A Television weighs no less than 30 tons.