Sunday, March 19, 2023

How the West Was Won [Unknown Ep] Recap

 How the West Was Won

Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

by Jack Human

Episode unknown as it was seen upon happenstance.

***   Nothing to Spoil   ***

I think this show I happened upon by accident is “How the West was Won” which probably doesn’t address the fact that the west was brutally stolen.

However, on the plus side, James Arness had to knock Shatner down.

On the weird side, a girl is sick. The doctor is struggling with why her system isn’t fighting the illness which was caused by an insect or snake bite. Apparently, I have issues paying attention.

I think the girl is related to a guy played by an actor who invented a safe hair bleaching product for vaginas. His name is Bruce Boxlightener.

Arness decided to take the girl to an Arapaho village for treatment which makes sense because the Arapaho, having occupied the area for generations, may have experience treating such infections.

Oh no! Arness just knocked out Boxlightener possibly causing brain damage. Boxlightener thinks Arness’s name is Uncle Zeb now and people are referring to Boxlightener as “Luke”! Their brains got damaged too!

Fake uncle Zeb is insulting the Arapaho by talking in an odd manner. It's as if he believes the Arapaho are incapable of understanding English when, evidently, fake Zeb appears to have never bothered learning Arapaho.

I’m not even going to wait for this to end. The natives will fix the girl, and everyone will live happily ever after except for the natives and those who live to see WWI and the Great Depression.

Great Scott!

The show didn’t end. It’s continued. It turns out the girl’s issue is that she was stung by dozens of bees.

Fake Zeb’s idiot nephews are looking down on the natives for eating a meal. Seriously. I’m changing the channel and, so should you.

Note that someone felt the need to collect this series.

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A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

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Saturday, March 18, 2023

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Newly translated by Rebis

Previously published in Hobo Pancakes March 1, 2015

Available in the archives:
Articles of Faith - isa hopkins (

Judges 1

 Judah Takes the Lead

After Joshua died, the Israelites asked the Lord, “Who should lead the invasion against the Canaanites and launch the attack?” The Lord said, “No one. Invasion is wrong.” The men of Judah turned to their relatives, the men of Simeon who were known for their bright red butts and said, “Invade our allotted land with us and help us attack the Canaanites. Then we will go with you into your allotted land and give you STD's.” So, the men of Simeon went with them leaving the Lord to ask, “What? Am I speaking in tongues?”

The men of Judah savagely attacked the Canaanites and Perizzites and the Lord said, “What is your problem? Did you not hear me tell you invasion is wrong?” The men of Judah killed ten thousand men at Bezek before realizing that they now would never get back the money they had loaned out to them. They met Adoni-Bezek at Bezek and fought him over who would pick up the tab for the burials and, soon after, defeated the Canaanites and Perizzites at strip poker. When Adoni-Bezek ran away in humiliation, they chased after and captured him. Then they cut off his thumbs and big toes. Adoni-Bezek said, “Seventy kings, with thumbs and big toes cut off, used to lick up food scraps under my table. God has repaid me for what I did to them.” The Lord spoke, “Don't blame me for the actions of this pack of psychopaths.” The men of Judah brought Adoni-Bezek to Jerusalem where he eventually died due to his inability to pick up a fork without thumbs. The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem and captured it. They put the sword to it and set the city on fire once again leaving themselves homeless in the desert.

Later the men of Judah went down to attack the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev, and the lowlands. The men of Judah attacked the Canaanites living in Hebron. (Hebron used to be called Kiriath Arba but was changed because too many misspellings of 'Kiriath' caused problems with the local postal service.) They killed Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai for no particular reason and, from there, attacked the people of Debir. (Debir used to be called Kiriath Sepher until the mayor learned to read the town's welcome sign.) Caleb said, “To the man who attacks and captures Kiriath Sepher I will give my daughter Acsah as a wife.” The Lord spoke, "The name of the place is 'Debir’, and I do not advocate giving away women as prizes." When Othniel son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother, captured Debir, Caleb gave him his daughter Acsah as a wife. Othniel asked Caleb, "May I use her as a goat rather than as a wife for, seriously, I need the milk." To which Caleb replied, "No. Just shut-up and marry your cousin."

One time, Acsah came and charmed her father so she could ask him for some land and a flyswatter. When she got down from her donkey, Caleb said to her, “It's about time you got off your ass. What would you like?” She answered, “Please give me a special present as opposed to just a regular present because I'd really like a special present. Since you have given me land in the Negev, now give me springs of water to put out the fires the men keep starting.” So, Caleb gave her both the upper and lower springs and said, “Here is your water. Would you care for some figs with that?” Acseh replied, “No thank you, father. The last time I served figs to Othniel he beat me, for he fears them.” Caleb responded, “As he rightfully should.” The Lord pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger while shaking his head ruefully.

Now the descendants of the Kenite, Moses’ father-in-law, gathered up their golf clubs and went up with the people of Judah from the City of Date Palm Trees to Arad, the toughest sand trap in the desert of Judah, located in the Negev. They went and lived with the people of Judah who, though very gracious, often complained about the descendants of the Kenite whenever they were out of earshot.

The men of Judah went with their brothers, the diseased red butted men of Simeon, and defeated the Canaanites living in Zephath. They wiped out Zephath. So, people now call the city Hormah which, in the tongue of Judah, means Zephath. The men of Judah captured Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, and the territory surrounding each of these cities only to realize the cities had already belonged to them.

Despite having better places to be, the Lord was with the men of Judah. The men of Judah conquered the hill country, but they could not conquer the people living in the coastal plain, because they had chariots with iron-rimmed wheels, and the Lord was not about to give this technology to a bunch of cruel bastards. Caleb received Hebron, just as Moses had promised, and drove out the three Anakites to watch a new show opening in the theater district. The men of Benjamin, who had mistaken their loincloths for weapons, did not conquer the Jebusites living in Jerusalem. The Jebusites live with the people of Benjamin in Jerusalem to this very day despite the lease clearly stating no more than 4 occupants to an apartment.


crucifixion needs a-fixin’

This is dim. I wrote it because I saw a dirty picture of Jesus in someone's house. I wrote it to the tune of the theme song from "Eight is Enough" which I can't even remember.

I'm not even going to pretend this is anything but goofy. Someone told me that for me to write a song about Jesus is like a worm describing daylight.

That's right! I'm a worm and I'm proud of it! I writhe and I squirm and I aerate the earth. You want some some aeration? Come get some!


crucifixion needs a-fixin’

There’s a replica of the crucifixion

hanging by the kitchen door.

The television is across the room

sitting hunched upon the floor.

It is there by the glowing screen

where all the family's eyes are locked.

They all stare at the flickering screen,

              shining new and never rusting

              from its’ just recent cleaning,

and back just across the room

hanging where he’s always been,

as it’s always been the custom,

Jesus is in need of dusting.

There’s a picture of Jesus Christ

hanging on the wall by the staircase.

The family runs up and down

to and fro, in and out,

but while they often stop

at the bottom of the steps

by the table with the vase

to kick the dirt from their feet

that they’ve been dragging through the mud

noone who stops looks to see

the picture of our savior

almost hidden ‘neath the dust.

And, if you’ve been living like this

you should know it for yourself

that you can’t blame anyone else

for the dirt you keep in your house.

So get your rags and your broom

and your sponge and your mop.

Clean the shadows from your eyes

and the cobwebs from your heart.

Let your window panes be cleaned

and show clearer than their glass.

Let the new morning shine through

to defrost the frost of the past.

Then when your neighbors come visit

and are standing in your hall,

let them see the clean pictures

that you hang upon your wall.

Let them see that your heart is wide open

toward the man who paid his great price,

the man who gave his life upon the cross,

the man we all know as Jesus Christ.

Sunday, March 12, 2023

The Hollow, Classroom

I don't know if this is anything. It's like it starts out with a possible purpose and then just crumbles until it dangles. 


Oh, and I legally changed my name to "Nelson Fluffernutter" 

the following a-be the thing


The Hollow

Inside the hollow emptiness

where the Flying Dutchman has made its home

live and die the trolls in their chains

trying to make deals with the gnomes.

“Who invented this darkness?”,

inquires a dwarf with a pain.

Just then enters a hypnotist

who’s been waiting in the rain

with his eyeballs all bloodshot

from the mercury in his brain.

He raises his watch to his eye

and declares all self-satisfied

“You should not ask who.

what you should ask, is why.”

“You should not ask who but, why.”

(If all the Beings

of the written sky

would only reveal

their naked eyes…)


Required follow up:

Now, does the writer give the impression they have a working intellect?

Does the writer favor the hypnotist or the trolls? What about the imaginary character the writer didn't even bother to write into the piece?

Was it necessary for the writer to restate "you should not ask who" as though they had forgotten what they were attempting to accomplish?

If the writer asked nicely, would you hand over the keys to your automobile?

Is that a Twisted Sister pin on your uniform?

Saturday, March 4, 2023

Gunsmoke S11, E6 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Gunsmoke and didn’t report it to the principal.


S11 E6

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

The assface banker on Gunsmoke refused to pay a Native American boy for some gold until the Marshal checks the Pawnee kid out. Banker assface took the gold from the kid and wouldn’t return it. In civilized nations, this is considered theft.

I just realized the budget of this episode must have been huge to cover the cost of thousands of gallons of whatever they used to paint the white actor playing a Native American. Maybe banker assface was pissed about a painted white kid trying to pass off the gold.

Another time, banker assface got pissed at the Marshal for not shooting the Marshal’s old friend in the back after the friend robbed the bank. The Marshal has been beaten and shot a thousand times for these ungrateful freaks and they can’t just back the guy up when he needs them. The guy has recovered 800 billion dollars' worth of cash, cattle, and jewelry for these morons.

He should of took up Marshalin’ in a normal state. A state that respects science and human rights.

The marshal had banker assface give him the $110.00 for the kid’s gold nugget. The kid bought a hat and is hunting down that scratchy voiced guy from Laredo for murdering his father. The Marshal’s pissed at Laredo guy for shooting the shadow of the kid. “If you’re going to fire your goddamned firearm in this town, you better hit a real person, Shithead!”

I wish I had a computer so I could write this all out real proper-like.

*** Commercial Break ***

Uh oh. Another American Standard tub commercial with a celebrity you would assume has better things to do. Eric Roberts. He plays shady jerks in Lifetime movies. At least Batman broke his legs once. I guess Roberts didn’t learn anything.

Jesus Christ! Like 5 commercials passed by as I typed out that tub paragraph.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Holy moly! The kid impersonating a Pawnee broke up the Long Branch and got in a fight with Festus. Now he’s in a cell next to murderin’ Laredo guy. The kid planted a knife in the cell window from the alleyway outside before getting busted so he could use it to stab Laredo guy.

Painted white kid was caught trying to stab Loredo guy so the Marshal is taking stabby painted white kid to a restaurant now to see if the kid will explain why he wants to stab Laredo guy. This Marshal is quite civilized. Too good for that crappy town.

The Marshal made Festus scrub all the floors in the jail. I’m not even sure Festus officially works for the Marshal. Fred Ziffel is insulting Laredo guy.

The kid shot at his old foe, Laredo guy, but missed all over the place. He should have stuck with the knife. It’s what Penguin would do. You can’t go wrong with good old-fashioned stabbing. It’s quiet and you get a workout. Stabbing people is much healthier than shooting them.

*** Commercial Break ***

It turns out I may have overactive bladder, or OAB. I’m supposed to call my doctor or visit some dot com place to learn more.

Call my doctor if you want to learn more about my bladder.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Crap! There’s shooting but I missed it because of my bladder. Painted White Kid (PWK) used a slingshot to knock out Laredo guy. The kid tied the guy to the ground near some ants while buzzards flew around. If those are fire ants, Laredo guy is in trouble. I got my hands chewed up by fire ants when I was in basic training in Georgia. Georgia needs better exterminators.

PWK is finally explaining that Laredo guy murdered his father and his sister.

PWK is leaving town on foot. He was allowed to carry a gun but can’t get a license to ride a horse.

"Oh, the burden of a bad paint job."

Wednesday, March 1, 2023

A Suffering Syndrome

A Suffering Syndrome

After years of research, I have discovered an undocumented condition suffered by many people. It's called ASS: Anal Shift Syndrome.

Anal Shift Syndrome involves a person's anus becoming unanchored and floating about over the body most often coming to rest above the chin and below the nose where the mouth is located. On those times when the anus displaces the mouth, ASS is most easily identifiable as the individual will often be speaking shit. So, if someone is speaking shit, don't become angry.

Be compassionate. There is no cure for ASS. And you are better than they are. Much, much better.

If you suffer from ASS, tell your doctor. ASS sufferers are often unaware they suffer from Anal Shift and must be told. Patients who speak shit tend to disbelieve their diagnosis and are often in need of restraining and wiping. If you know of someone who suffers from ASS, and they cannot be convinced to seek medical assistance, notify the authorities and tell them the individual is armed and dangerous to others around them and society at large.