Billy Tudor’s Frosty Meltdown

 Billy Tudor’s Frosty Meltdown

"For Frosty the snow man

Had to hurry on his way,

But he waved goodbye saying,

"Don't you cry,

I'll be back again someday.”

We never saw Frosty again after that day. As the children grew up, several believed the entire episode had been a false memory of a game played with friends.

There were rumors that young Billy Tudor committed suicide when he was 25 because he couldn't bare to live without the resolution of Frosty's promise to be back again someday. Billy had become addicted to drugs at the age of 13. Some feel he could not handle the stress of fearing over Frosty's unknown fate. If only there had been a telegram or voicemail letting us know Frosty was still okay. As it was, none of us knew whether Frosty ever lost the hat again, or whether he made it in time to the North Pole. Some suspected Climate Change may have destroyed Frosty. Whatever it was that happened to Frosty once he skipped town, it was far too much for Billy Tudor to endure the uncertainty of simply not knowing.

Broken Rails

 Our intrepid crew

Jack, in his box

Jack Human was born only once. He is 8 inches, 5 feet tall. I once asked him why he wore a coat and he responded, "Because I'm human, Robot... because I'm human... and it's winter... and, it's none of your business... and, please get off of my lap." Had I emotions, I would have wept at the sincerity with which he delivered this apt response.

Jack has traveled the world and has seen many things of which he will not speak. Despite coming across as a worldly and cultured man, Jack has his wild side and has even spent time in jail for attempting to fit inside a kangaroo's pouch at a famous California zoo. He was later pardoned when it was argued by his attorney that attempting to fit inside a pouch was not the same as actually being inside the pouch and, as such, was not a punishable offense. At least, not in Cambodia. Ten days later, the kangaroo and Jack were formally wed in a ceremony that involved biscuits and a cape.

It has been said of Jack that he also once took a shower. This has yet to be verified.

Robot's Rampage

Robot Fog was created by a rogue international agency. His original purpose was to blend into human society and report back to his creators who just happened to be jerks. Robot, however, was unimpressed with the agency's overall tyrannical goals and never bothered to report back to his degenerate creators who he believes are working on methods of spying on each and every individual on the planet Earth, for no other reason that they are paranoid, hypocritical, insensitive, often balding, control freaks, and they wear really bad suits.

He writes for this site because he fears no one, which isn't saying much, and because he lacks human emotion. Robot does, in fact, favor freedom over tyranny for the puny humans he chooses to live amongst (except, perhaps, for that man crouching by your car licking a headlight).

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Dick and his Dribble

Richard Dribble, also known as Dick because he's a right brutal bastard. And a dick.

Dick joined us when he entered our office without invitation and threatened to smear us with a gross slice of pizza. None of us could stand the thought of being smeared and had forgotten the number to call 911, so we played along hoping the dick would get bored and leave the state. He didn't.

Dick is utterly evil and is the psycho who places the ads on this site despite our policy to not have advertisements and not one ad ever bringing in a penny of revenue. He fancies himself a corporate star climbing the ladder to success and also cannot convince one single person to touch him when he is unclothed. 

Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

 Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

by Jack Human on Friday, May 4, 2012 at 12:16pm

A most unusual occurrence has taken place in the city of Lisbon. A microscopic worm attacked the city showing no signs of mercy.

The worm is an unknown species which, up until the attack, has been overlooked by incompetent scientists worldwide. Even at this time, there is some disagreement among members of the scientific community as to what exact species the worm is. Also unknown is the worm’s origin, its’ appearance, and whether or not it prefers Rodney Dangerfield over Richard Pryor.

The city of Lisbon itself seems somewhat complacent about the dreadful attack. Some of the city’s inhabitants attribute the source of complacency to the fact that the worm was microscopic and that not only was it invisible to the general population, but it caused no damage to anything other than itself.

It seems that the worm ran out from an alleyway at what scientists predict was a speed of three weeks per inch and headed directly for a group of tourists. As the worm worked its’ way into the second inch of its gruesome attack, the tourists all got on a jet plane and headed home due to the impending end of their vacations.

Before anybody knew it, the worm turned its’ attention upon a small dog. This, apparently, was a mistake which turned out to be deadly for the worm because, as it veered toward the dog, a lumbering drug addict passed by and stepped upon the worm. The worm was not killed immediately, however. It seems to have survived on the bottom of the drug addict’s shoe until the drug addict entered a filthy alley where he meant to make a drug purchase. As the addict approached the drug dealer, he stepped in a puddle of human urine, thus ending the vicious attack of the worm upon an innocent European city (that is, if Lisbon is even in Europe. I fear my editor is too cheap to buy a globe for the office).

Many people are left wondering, where did this microscopic worm come from? Are there more worms such as this one? Is this story even true? Well, I can’t answer any of these questions myself. If possible, we at this publication will locate an expert who can answer these questions and other questions like them.

For those who may be interested, the drug addict is doing fine and has returned to his job as an engineer on a train. The addict wishes everyone well who has shown concern for him and asks that his name not be made known to the authorities.

Byline by Jack Human

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Robot’s Rants

 Robot’s Rants

Again, listed in reverse order

11.

People keep saying “have a happy new year” and I respond, “don’t tell me what to do, you son of a potato peeling bastard!”

10.

Since I didn't bother to breed, I'm going to be cared for by your dumb kids, so raise them right, dirtbags.

9.

People say Danny Trejo is evil. So he kills them.

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Safely remove your debilitating and disfiguring double chin with a potato peeler. Be certain to only use a potato peeler purchased from me, Doctor Dick Dribble, otherwise I won't make money.

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8.

"I’m starting a new line of pants that auto castrates the wearer.

I expect my customer base will diminish over time but I’m okay with that."

7.

Someone told me wearing a medical face mask cuts down on your oxygen. I responded, “Let us see if that’s true.”

I put a pulsometer on their finger for 5 minutes while they wore their face mask. Then I had them remove the mask. I made sure the pulsometer was still on and then put a thick plastic bag over their head.

When I removed the bag after 5 minutes, I did not hear them complain.

6.

I heard some Christmas music that lifted my spirits rather than goad me into wanting to kick over every shelf in the store. Have I aged? Maybe cynicism can wear you down until your soul screams for a mere crack through which to peer upon anything other than this 'real' world.

5.

Life is a disease. My team of top scientists and I plan on stamping it out.

4.

Get well soon, or die trying.

3.

How about that commercial where the guy buries his choppers beneath 28,000 tons of cement and is too damn lazy to dig them out so he goes to a dentist and gets new choppers in just a few days in time to eat the most hot dogs in human history?

He specifically states “humans” but I'm betting there are aliens, reptiles or even a dog somewhere who beat the record. There are species other than humans that eat hot dogs, you know.

Anyway, as your stupid narrator, I have to get to the point which is that I wonder if the commercial guy's dentist saw the ad and wondered, "I killed a hitchhiker and stole his identity just so I wouldn't have to go to medical school for this?"

2.

Dear Sir or Madam, 

The earth is not flat despite the earth having flat surfaces. The entire planet is shaped like a square. Much like your head, it’s a cube. That is how a human can walk from one pole to the other without falling off of the earth. Gravity serves a purpose. It is also why the north and the south pole do not occasionally slide across the continents and the oceans. They are confined to their resident square.

Yours truly,

A Grotesque & Incompetent Facebot

P.S. 

The sun is flat. Just look at it. Stare at it for several hours.

1.

The internet as we know it now was discovered only a couple of hundred years ago by Mischievous Rollbumbus. Up until then, the primitive filthy human population across the planet had no access to information or knowledge.

Despite the discovery of the internet, many filthy humans, to this very day, lack the ability to write coherent sentences. Some simply cannot spell while others are reduced to using abbreviations such as “LOL” which means “low on love” or “BMF” which means “bowel movements forever”.

The goal of this course is to discern the best manner of withdrawing from this cultural and social horror and of becoming completely invisible to these miserable beasts.

Students are welcome to bring a friend but, more importantly, to bring cashmere.

Signed,

your aura