Sunday, October 7, 2018

Daily Harbinger - Man Accused Of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For Fourth Time

Charles Marshall Accused Of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For Fourth Time

Charles Marshall
CINCINNATI — The City That Refuses to Sleep -

A Cincinnati man appeared in court on charges that he'd masturbated in public with a teddy bear.  This is the fourth time in two years that suspect, Charles Marshall, has been arrested for violating a Teddy Bear.

The first offense was in February, 2010. Marshall confessed to "engaging in masturbation with a teddy bear in a men's bathroom while texting."

Marshall was arrested once again nine months later for knowingly engaging in an indecent act. According to court records following that incident, despite being convicted, Marshall escaped punishment by arguing he did not knowingly commit an indecent act. He also asked that the prosecutor stop using words for which he did not know the meaning.

Merely, another nine months following that second incident, in August 2011, Marshall was charged with the same offense, this time in "a place where minors were likely to be present" which is a strip club across the road from a public school. When asked by authorities with what's the deal with nine months, Marshall replied, "Hey, I have a schedule to keep."

Yet again, merely a week ago and off schedule, 28 year old Charles Marshall was cited for disorderly conduct after police said he was engaged in sexual activity with a stuffed animal in a public alley. Marshall was additionally charged with causing offensive risk of harm. While it has been determined the Teddy bear did not suffer any lasting physical trauma, it is clearly severely distraught over the fact that the restraining orders are not helping to keep it safe.

The Teddy Bear, whose name we will withhold as per our policy for protecting the privacy of sexual assault victims, is taking its attacker to court in a civil suit. The Teddy Bear is suing the man for aggravated sexual assault on twelve separate occasions despite Marshall's claim that he cannot count as high as twelve.

On the stand during the court proceedings, the accused tedophile, Charles Marshall, claimed the sex acts were consensual.

The victimized Teddy Bear stated to the court, "I can't speak. How could I possibly even consent to this pervert's abuse?" At this point, the Judge asked, “Why can we hear you now?” to which the victim replied, “You’re reading my mind.”

The Victim (Name Withheld)
When asked by reporters how it expects the case to go, the Teddy Bear responded that Marshall has been convicted three times previously for engaging in similar actions with a teddy bear. There should be no question as to the outcome of the class action suit. The bear also stated that if this were truly a land of justice, tedophiles would not be allowed to roam free after their first conviction.

Marshall, for his part, is using the defense, "It's not sex if it's an act of love, is it?"

When questioned by reporters, Charles Marshall's mother, Agatha Frisbain, proclaimed "I don't believe my son did this. I don't believe my son did this at all. Charles has always been a good boy and I did not raise him to be sexually attracted to Teddy Bears. I always taught him that a person should only have sex with stuffed unicorns and that it is imperative to place a condom over the unicorn's horn in the event that there will be sexual penetration. You can arrest and convict my son Charles a thousand times for this crime and I will never believe he did what he has been accused of."

Marshall has hired famous attorney Gloria Allred who has been known to represent anyone that uses the word "sex" in a sentence. Conversely, the Teddy Bear has also hired Ms. Allred to represent it in the civil suit. Upon being reached for a statement, Ms Allred stated, "Conflict of interest? Try ordering Italian food in a French Restaurant."

Ms. Allred also stated that one of her clients obviously suffers from Ursusagalmatophilia, a condition general referred to as tedophilia. When asked which client, Ms. Allred sneered, "You figure it out!"

Dr. Phil Mcgraw intervened by pulling the news camera over to himself and shouting, "IT'S A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE!" after which, the governor asked him to kindly leave the state.

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