Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

 Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

30.

A weeping child: “I don’t want to go to hell!”

Satan: “Then get off the earth!”

20.

Crap. Now we’re watching the original ‘Pet Sematary’ which isn’t even spelled right. I read it’s because supposedly kids made the sign but I could spell ‘cemetery’ correctly when I was 10.

I don’t think that jerk is a real doctor either. I’m not sure I could have spelled the word ‘jerk’ right when I was 10 because I’d never heard it at that point.

Now you know my life story. Tell me about yours. I could use the sleep.

So, anyway, this sematary jerk was talking to his family over the phone and his daughter passed the phone to a 1 year old and I’m like, “What’s the point of the that? The kid knows like 5 words.”

The protagonist’s wife is wearing crappy 80’s clothes. Dear God! Release the nukes before some assface buries the 80’s on that stupid hill.

He’s not really a PROtagonist considering his wreckless actions are getting people killed. Unless you count the killing of people in 80’s fashion a win. Which I do

19.

I'm developing a trick flower that sprays people with my Precious Bodily Fluids.

Dial 1-800-squirts

18.

I got the idea to write a song about how meaningless the entire universe is but I haven't because it just seems pointless.

17.

Sometimes when I come home and find a recorded message from someone blackmailing me, I leave the message on the machine so the authorities can find it if the blackmailer turns up dead

16.

Thrill at my new film series: JUMP CUT! It's a quadrillogy of films made up entirely of jump cuts with an occasional one liner.

First up - "JUMP CUT: FIRST CUT"

Followed by "JUMP CUTS: CUT UPS"

Followed by "JUMP CUTTER: CUTTING JUMPS" 

And finally ending with "JUMP CUTTERS: THE FINAL CUT"

The story of automobiles possibly flying through the air in horrific accidents but you can't tell because it's all rendered in jump cuts.

Is that fist making contact with a face? Who knows? It's a jump cut!

Thrill as an entire conversation takes place in jump cut time and motion!

Wonder as to what the plot is or why we are incapable of creating entertaining action within a single shot!

JUMP CUT!

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15.

Oh no! A lady on tv said the F word but they bleeped it so I have no evidence to take that channel to court!

(The F word begins with the letter F)

14.

Last night I broke into 3 homes. I found dishes in the sinks in each home so I washed the dishes in 2 houses but not the 3rd house because there was a dishwashing machine there. Fuck them

13.

Life cannot be previewed because there is no previewer installed for it.

12.

Sometimes I like to pretend I don't have opposable thumbs.

11.

Anyone who wants to marry me should let me know. So that I may have you committed.

10.

I took my children out today to feed them... to a crocodile

9.

I have to go to bed. If anyone wants to talk to me, come stand outside my bedroom window.

8.

Stamps with Batman on them! Now I don't have to have stupid designs or famous people who wasted their lives curing polio on my mail.

[photo removed due to blogger’s inadequate ability to allow a copy and paste]

7.

Okay. I have my bucket list made up and number 1 on the list is “die”

Followed by “die” 57 more times and then, finally, “bathe in chocolate ice cream”.

6.

You want to know what’s better than nothing?

Nothing.

5.

I am a saint! If there is a heaven, rest assured that I am getting in! I am a naturally kind, empathic and compassionate person. I always put others first and always stick to my morals and values. The world is a better place because I am in it!

You jerks.

4.

I am definitely a walking dictionary! Over time, I’ve been able to build a repertoire of beautiful words because there's more to life than very nice. My vocabulary, unlike yours, is as rich and wide as the pacific ocean. When I encounter an unfamiliar word, I make it a point to look up its meaning and try to incorporate this new found word in a sentence because you weasels aren’t going to it for me.

(I apologize for referring to you all as weasels. Weasels deserve better.)

3.

I don't understand naming your kid after yourself.

"I'm great. I'm naming you after me because I'm so great. Have I told you I'm great?

ego ego ego 

I'm so great you don't even deserve your own name and identity. Hey everybody! Have you met this person who I named after myself because I'm great?

I'm going to name my tea pot after me because why should I stop at naming my stupid kids after me? 

Then I'm going to change my wife's name to my own.

ego ego ego

My name is so meaningful. I'm so great. I'm proud to be me."

2.

I saw a few seconds of an old interview with Jeffrey Dahmer. After inspecting his face, I'd have to say that cannibalism isn't that good for your skin. One more good reason to respond "NO!" when someone says "Eat Me".

1.

My skit about the BP oil spill:

I understand that some time has passed since the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. However, I believe it would be funny to have a skit where a BP manager guy is using the poisonous oil to lube up for sex with whatever animal stands in for the walrus down there. Maybe the animal would be dead and the guy would be doing 'it' when his phone rings, and it's his wife calling. All we, the audience, hear from him is "Hello Dear.", and then, a moment later, "No. No. It's business as usual." Then, just for overkill, an oiled up Pelican flies up the guy's behind and we see his hair spinning around on his head and hear the sound of a kazoo.

Disgustions from Jack Human 4

 Disgustions from Jack Human 4

9.

Comment:

“There is something evil here. I can feel it.”

Response:

“Get your hand out of my pants.”

8.

“So, what do you do?”

“Well, I’m a homemaker...”

“Great! So you take care of the house and watch the kids all day?”

“No, you dick. I said I’m a homemaker. I build houses for people.”

7.

"I'm an assassin..."

"Hold it! You had me at "I'm an ass"

6.

Priest: "when you snatch the pebbles from my groin, you will be ready"

Kid: "aren't the pebbles supposed to be in your hand?"

Priest: "Don't ask questions. I'm starting a new tradition"

2nd priest: "Hey! That's not me. That guy is an imposter!"

The 1st priest tosses a bowl of captain crunch cereal in the 2nd priest's face and runs away

5.

"So what's for dinner?"

"Your corpse."

"Crap! I picked the wrong lifeboat!”

12.

“What’s your middle initial?”

“It’s the one between my first and last initials.”

11.

Young woman:

"Don't come any closer. I'll jump!"

Leo Dicaprio's fortune telling character:

"Go ahead. The ship's going down anyway."

10.

"Can you tell me why they want to kill us?"

"They don't want to kill US. They want to kill YOU. And I can't say that I blame them."

9.

Old woman: "Do you come here often?"

Lieutenant Columbo: "No, Ma'am. Only when I bring my wife here for sex."

8.

"It's okay. Things were hairy for a while there but you're going to be okay."

"MY LEG!"

"Yes. I'm afraid it was severed but we reattached it and it will heal just fine."

"You attached it to my arm, you moron!"

"Well, if you don't like it, I can stick it back up your ass"

7.

"Officer, my husband was taken away by a man with a gun."

"Can you describe him?"

"He's about 6 feet tall, slim, and has a bald spot with a bad comb over"

"That sounds like senator goodman.

"That's him! That's my husband"

6.

"I want to change the world.”

"Well, why don't you start by changing your underpants, Smelly?"

5.

Banner: "So where are you going to go from here?"

Hitchhiker: "Oh. I don't know. Wherever the wind blows me."

Banner: "So you like to be blown, do you?"

(Hitchhiker jumps from the moving car)

4.

“Barkeep, one beer.”

“Barkeep? You’ve been coming here for 4 fucking years and you still don’t know my name? You snot nosed, uppity son of a bitch!”

“You’ve met my mother?”

3.

“Are you saying Mr. Kendal is behind this?”

“Well, those were my exact words.”

“Yes, but are you saying Kendal is behind all this?”

“At this point, I’m just going to tell people it was you.”

2.

"So look. Why don't we take a look around and see if this place is for real"

"Why don't YOU take a look around?"

"I believe I implied that by using the word 'WE', you jerk"

1.

Cop: “I’m not looking for any problems. Just let me do my job.”

Citizen: “Isn’t looking for problems your job?”

Jack Human’s Seventh Shorts

 Jack Human’s Seventh Heaven Stain

30.

Jump Cuts will be releasing a new film titled Return of the Jed-Clampett-Eye.

Granny runs the Empire.

29.

This 100 year old jerk on Gunsmoke was a gun fighter even though he would have been middle aged when six shooters became common.

He’s dying now so he wants to be buried next to his wife but the town doesn’t want him there. He killed relatives of the town’s residents.

The Marshal told the sheriff, “He’s got a right to be buried where he wants. It’s the law.”

The Sheriff should have responded -

1.  “Okay, Marshal. You’re right. We’re going to forget that man murdered people we know and allow him to be buried in our town.”

2.  “We’re not willing to allow that man to be buried anywhere near our town.”

3.  “That man has the god given right to be urinated on.”

28.

It’s not true romance if someone doesn’t get stuck with the bill.

27.

I like to think of myself as an idiot but sometimes I just can’t live up to that ideal.

26.

This is a bit long to be considered a short however, if you are reading this, you deserve what you get.

This is at the top of the list of trivia for William Conrad on IMDb. He was born in 1920. He was still a kid:

“In World War II, he flew a P-39 under the Golden Gate Bridge twice.”

So, Bill (he allows me to call him Bill), is in a movie named Tension from 1949. He’s the fuzz in this film because he rehabilitated after being a murderer in The Killers. Bill is twenty-nine years old but I mistook him for closer to forty years old. He appears similar to Frank Cannon several decades later but with dark hair.

Another cop walked around a jail cell reading from what I thought was an iPad until I realized it was a notepad.

Apparently, the present, while revealing the path toward the future, enables the future to serve as a bridge to the past.

If you do not know who William Conrad is, it’s because you aren’t born yet.

If you don’t know what fuzz is, it’s because you’ve yet to learn four letter words.

If you don’t know what the Golden Gate Bridge is, it’s because it doesn’t exist and you’ve yet to study folklore.

25.

Hunger is chasing your dreams no matter how hard your spouse stomps on them.

24.

What’s the point of having children if they are going to eventually learn to speak?

23.

Survey!

Should I change my underwear MORE often or LESS often?

I mean, it's only been 6 weeks.

22.

Frogs are a concept

By which we measure

Our brains

23.

It’s pretty cool that I got the first of my bills for use of the hospital emergency room. I can’t wait until the next one!

I specified ‘hospital’ because I didn’t want anyone to be confused by other types of emergency rooms. Like the ones in those happy ending massage joints.

22.

I called 911 earlier today and reported a bunch of people wearing masks who were heading into a store.

21.

A while back in the late twentieth century, I went to a strip club in Stoughton Ma.

They told me to get the fuck out, forced me to put my clothes back on, and threw me out into the road.

20.

On the game show “Wheel of Misfortune", the winner has their car stolen.

19.

Babies are freaks. I remember I hated being a baby so much it made me puke all the time.

I have no idea why people celebrate their birthday, the first day of life in hell.



18.

One time I returned home from a trip to the store and was told to stop returning home.

17.

I was buying eye glasses and the guy said, "Let me see your eye." So I handed it to him. He poked it with a knitting needle a few times and handed it back.

I’m confused as to why the product is called eye glasses. There were no eyes in them when I made the purchase.

16.

Kin Creed, Print Asper, and Dal walk into a bar. Miss Kitty, the owner, says, “Get the fuck out of here. We don’t serve chumps with freak names. Punch them in the face, Sam!”

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15.

From Dragnet:

The suspects were convicted of second degree burglary. Second degree burglary is a criminal act in which the burglars break into a home or business, wash their hands, and forget to take any possessions. The punishment for second hand burglary is 15 years.

In the next episode, a brief scene of the inside of the DMV shows a room full of women working but not being paid the same as men. Several seasons later, Friday will be machine gunning people for smoking dope.

14.

From what I've read of the age demographics in the U.S., soon facebook will become bowelbook and we'll all post copies of our endoscopies while discussing the latest humiliation that bowel movements have brought upon us.

For those of you who've yet to have an endoscopy, there is a method for doing it at home. Duct tape a small web-cam to the end of a highly flexible stick and insert it manually. As with most day surgeries of this type, it is recommended that you put yourself under first with some kind of anesthesia. Many medical professionals recommend knocking yourself unconscious with a rubber hammer.

13.

I'm considering surgery to have my pants removed.

12.

I was taking my clothes off when I heard a voice asking that I put them back on. It was myself.

11.

I was a moron as a child. Fortunately, I grew up to be an idiot.

10.

I couldn't feel more safe. I'm wearing a bulletproof diaper.

9.

My next film project is going to be a major release pushing the boundaries of my previous jump cut series. This 86 billion dollar project will be tentatively titled “Jump Cuts: Interactive”. 

The audience will thrill as it peers upon a sequence of jump cuts racing at breakneck speed while interacting with the movie utilizing the use of cell phones, google glasses, microchip embedded condoms, PlayStations, X-Boxes, RF guns, RF Chipped credit and debit cards, cable, WiFi, fiber optic toothbrushes, and a slew of other devices you have never heard of.

Imagine looking up at the movie screen and viewing yourself looking up at the movie screen and watching yourself texting 911 because the excitement is overwhelming!

Thrill as 10,000 jump cuts tell the story our writers and director were incapable of creating comprehensibly due to a lack of reason or talent!

Interact even more by showing consternation over the bad lighting provided by a mere 86 billion dollar budget.

Eat your popcorn even as your popcorn nibbles upon you and view the jump cut that exposes your digestive system weeping miserably.

JUMP CUTS: INTERACTIVE 

Jumping to a theater seat near you

And cutting.

8.

When my hair started thinning, I wanted to address the problem head on. I removed my head.

7.

I've been writing some pretty snide letters to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development I had to step back a little on the last one. The line I removed was:

"Thank you for providing me with the phone number. I've called several times but couldn't get through to a human. I didn't really expect anything positive to happen anyway so the joke is on me for being disappointed."

6.

The first 3 pages of my new unfinished novel "Why am I such a Lazy Bastard Incapable of Accomplishing Anything Useful in Life?" will possibly be on sale soon in a store near you if I ever bother to pick up the phone and okay its release by the publisher.

I like releasing unfinished novels.

5.

Is that a ferret on your shoulder, or have you merely become hairy faced and small headed?  - J. Alfred Prufrock.

4.

Today is the last day of your life up to now so put a bow on it. 

🎀

It's done.

3.

Nobody's been shooting at me lately. It looks like I'm going to have to hire a new assassin.

I was worried about having to fire the old assassin, but then I figured, what's he going to do, kill me? Judging by his work ethic, I have nothing to be concerned about.

2.

I have a plan to create a meme that says, 

"Another name for Texas Chainsaw Chili is"

 - then there is a graphic of a pot of chili with human fingers and eyes - 

"Who Stew"

1.

I am your love child, you perverts.

Jack Human’s Sixth Shorts

Jack Human’s Sixth Shorts

Shorter than you can ever hope to be

30.

Life. Love it or go the hell back to from where you came!

29.

Does anybody know if I'm a serial killer? I'd ask the last 10 people I ran into but they're all dead.

28.

Spring Brucesteen awoke with a jerk. He knew it was a jerk because the jerk had brought a sandwich to bed and there was jelly all over the sheets…

27.

I went to my dentist yesterday. She said my teeth are great. Too good for me. So she knocked them out.

The advantage is that I don’t have to go back because they have my teeth there and can check them without having to look at my ugly mug.

26.

I remember one time I was doing something and it didn't turn out as expected so then I believed in god.

Oh, and I had sex with a muskrat.

25.

When my doctor told me I needed to lose weight before my knee surgery, I told him I’d lose 50% of my weight if he’d get the fuck off my back. And anyway, my shitty insurance won’t cover goddamned surgery performed by knees.

24.

Now looky here, you federation fiends. I’m only going to say this once. I think the federation is lying about transporters. They don’t exist. I’ve never seen one.

Transporters can’t possibly be a thing. Do you know how easy it would be to spray Lysol or Raid into the atoms of someone who is materializing?

You could just spray WD-40 into the atoms and the atoms wouldn’t even stick together.

FAKERS!

23.

Jesus Christ! Picard just ordered all hands to abandon ship. How the hell is the crew supposed to work without hands?

22.

NEW JUMP CUTS PRODUCTION:

Our latest movie recorded on Scotch tape rather than film or subpar digital footage is about the Society for the Total Extinction of Non-Conforming Humans.

STENCH

Prepare to over inebriate and to experience STENCH during the 15 minutes it will be shown in a theater 45 minutes from you.

21.

Death is the leading cause of apathy among dead people.

20.

I asked the woman in Dunkin Donuts to get the hottest coffee they have and throw it in my face.

Stat!

19.

I don't have an issue with violence - unless it is directed towards me.

18.

I’m starting my 3rd production company. Now, along with the successful NecropR0n Productions and Jump Cuts Productions, you all will thrill at the magnificent Shitty Filters Productions. That’s SFP for those who can’t read anything other than letters.

Shitty Filters Productions will create movies, television shows, and ads that are filtered in order to prevent our audiences from having to be distracted by actors and sets that are visually clear. This way we can encourage the viewer to imagine what may be occurring onscreen while they quit trying to pay attention and begin wondering what they will feed their kids for dinner.

Shitty Filters Productions may not be the first, however, we intend to be the best at enabling our customers, making you, our unfortunate customer, know what it is like to have cataracts.

17.

My bucket list just lists a bucket.

16.

Once, while I was eating dinner, my mustache fell off and landed in my bowl of beef stew. I thought, “What the hell? I’ve been in hairier situations than this” and finished the stew.

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15.

The town called my phone, but not me, to leave a message concerning how prevalent bird flu is right now and warned us to avoid dead birds and all dead, sick, or strange animals. Watch your pets to ensure they don’t do anything that might get them infected.

The recording said I don’t have to worry because I’m the one who gave the birds the flu.

I can’t figure out why everybody calls my phone and not me.

14.

I was scheduled to have minor surgery today but the truant officer caught up with the surgeon and brought him back to school.

13.

I have an idea to start a business. If anyone is interested, maybe I can hire you.

The idea: Condoms are big business now and are very important for sexually active people who wish to retain their health. Condoms are uncomfortable.

Our condoms will be made from cheesecloth. They will be washable and reusable. The condom will be so entirely comfortable that people who sport a penis, whether male or female, will be tempted to never take it off.

Our goal is to make the public wearing of condoms stylish so they will be worn to concerts and sport events.

Who wants in on this?

12.

Jesus Christ! You have to be 21 years old to buy pot now? It used to be 13 years old.

God, I hate modern times.

11.

The Lone Ranger is riding his horse, Silver, with a child while they are chased by goons.

The ranger rides up a hill a bit and jumps off his horse, gets behind a rock, and starts shooting at the goons but he tells the kid to stay on the horse. When the goons start shooting back the kid is entirely exposed.

Back behind the goons' rock, one of them is shot in the leg and starts whining. The other goons stopped shooting to listen to the whiner providing the Lone Ranger and Tonto an opportunity to bust them.

After the ranger and Tonto bring the goons in, they go riding off with the Lone Ranger screaming "Hi yo, Silver! Away!" As if the horse is too stupid to know what being kicked and having it's head jerked around means.

10.

This dope on an episode of Charlie's Angels just blew open a safe. I think he spent more on the C4 explosive than he found in the safe.

Not the best business planning. 

Who knew that the majority of criminals go bankrupt due to bad business decisions?

9.

Sometimes I think of myself as an idiot but then will talk to someone else and realize I’m not as bad as I thought I was.

8.

Idaho politicians voted to change the image of the state by renaming it to "Udaho".

7.

Pain is a universal human experience, so sit back and enjoy it.

6.

What Is the Outlook for Ankylosing Spondylitis?

"Ankylosing spondylitis is a chronic, progressive disease that often leads to disability. With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life."

"With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life"

well who the fuck wants that?

5.

I'm getting better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else.

4.

I arrived at work this morning and was feeling good until I found the door was unlocked.

3.

I've opened The Center for Biological Perversity.

The man with two penises counts as two members, or he would have if we hadn’t banned one of the penises for not wearing shoes.

2.

This is similar to that time I had Worf take the ship to the Veridian system at full warp, then when we were 20 miles from the Veridian System, I had the ship turned around so we could go back and get the Archie comics I had left on Mars station.

I also had to pee and had no intention of using a restroom in the filthy Veridian system.

1.

People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.

Disgustions from Jack Human 3

 Disgustions from Jack Human the Third

30.

“Do you have Rosacea with bumps and pimples on your face?”

“No”

“Would you like to?”

29.

“You’re the one who killed Chad.”

“Chad deserved to die! His name was Chad!”

28.

"So, what are you doing in my court room today?"

"The plaintiff stiffed me, your honor."

"Aren't you a prostitute?"

27.

“True love never dies.”

“It will when I get my hands on it.”

26.

Cop: “so, can you think of any reason Sheila might want to see you dead?”

Wounded Victim: “I think it’s because she doesn’t want to see me live.”

25.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish perking my coffee.”

24.

"My wife can't stand seeing anyone who's not married"

”Well, if she's your wife, why is she seeing anyone at all, loser?”

23.

Inspector Henderson: "Things got pretty bad for you back in 1984. You lost your job, and your wife."

Suspect: "First, what the hell do you mean by “things”? Second, I lost my wife at my job. Along with a tuna salad I had been looking forward to eating. Can't you cops get anything straight?"

22.

"Frustrated women (I mean they're frustrated)

Have to be in by twelve o'clock (oh, that's a shame)

But I'm wishin' and a hopin', oh

That just once those doors weren't locked"

- The Standells

"Me too"

- The Boston Strangler.

21.

A jerk gives his child a gift. A stuffed animal. Not a real animal. Just a make believe one.

Daughter: "Thank you Daddy! Can I call him Wilbur?"

Daddy: "Sure, Honey! As long as you don't call him Wilbur."

20.

Doctor: “He’s your father.”

Patient: “But we have nothing in common!”

Doctor: “Yes, you do. Your mother. You and your father both loved her.”

Patient: “But he never had sex with her.”

19.

"I'm going to run the DNA through CODIS."

"Why don't you run the DNA through your face!"

"I don't like you. In fact, everyone in the crime lab hates you."

18.

Parent:  “If you have to have sex, have sex with a condom.”

Teenager:  “What if I’m not attracted to condoms, you sick disgusting pig?”

19.

Surgeon to patient: "It's okay. Things were hairy for a while there but you're going to be okay."

Patient: "MY LEG!"

Surgeon: Yes. I'm afraid it was severed but we reattached it and it will heal just fine."

Patient: "You attached it to my shoulder, you moron!"

Surgeon: “There’s no need to be rude. I’m not going to accept your insurance.”

18.

Reporter jerk: "why do you keep ripping off so many people?"

Business jerk: "well, they're not going to rip themselves off, are they?"

(Laughs)

(Beat)

Business jerk: (getting serious) "seriously though, if these chumps had more money, I could cut back and maybe even take a vacation. The economy sucks"

19.

Police Inspector:  “Where were you when Mr. Hurd was being murdered?”

Suspect:  “I was standing in front of him cutting his throat with this knife. What does that prove?”

18.

God :  "who told thee thou is naked?"

Adam: "I can see it in this selfie I took, you dick! If we're in your image, why don't we have robes? What are you, a perv?"

17.

Mother: “This whole love affair is in your mind.”

Dana: “You’re wrong. I don’t have a mind.”

Aunt: “Dana, you and Ryan can be together just the way you always wanted to be.”

Dana: “In a pickle jar?”

16.

911: “Please state the nature of the emergency.”

Man: “I found what looks like a human skull.”

911: “Where did you find this object?”

Man: “Inside of a human head.”

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15.

Patient: "Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my side."

Doctor: "What does it feel like?"

The patient pulls a knife out of the side of his body and jams it into the doctor's left side, waits a beat then twists the knife once and lets go of it.

Doctor ( clutching his side and grimacing ): "You could have used words. I understand English, you dick!"

14.

A doctor and an intern are walking down a hallway in the surgical wing of a hospital. The intern is feeling deeply disturbed. It was the intern’s third surgical procedure and the young intern cut a patient open to look at his heart. It turned out the heart wasn’t why the patient needed surgery. The intern hadn’t thought he should cut the patient open but another seriously dickish intern goaded him into it.

Doctor: "It was a mistake. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, I once removed the wrong testicle."

Intern: "Was it your own?"

13.

Lieutenant Columbo is speaking with a suspect.

Kennicutt: “Listen lieutenant, my marriage to my wife might have seemed strange to an awful lot of people. My wife was young enough to be my daughter but we loved each other completely. We even considered having a child together. A child named Bix Billingsly.

Now, does that answer your question?”

Columbo: “Possibly. I’m not recalling asking that question, though.”

12.

"I’m afraid you have 10 years to live. You're going to have to quit your job"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. You are going to have to spend all your time whacking it to this one playboy magazine from 1974. I'm sorry. It's all we can do for you. Anything you'd like to say?"

"Yes. I need a new pornologist.”

11.

"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."

"Live children.”

10.

Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”

Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “what is it?”

Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”

Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”

Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”

9.

"Pooh?", said Piglet.

"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.

"I want to kill you."

8.

Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"

Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."

Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"

Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"

7.

Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24 hours."

Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”

6.

A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.

Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”

Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”

5.

30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”

God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”

4.

Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"

Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"

3.

Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."

Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"

Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"

2.

In the apocalypse...

Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”

Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”

Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”

1.

Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"

Joey: "I want you dead!"

Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

---------------------------------

Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"

Cindy: "Your corpse!"

Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.

Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

Jack Human’s Fifth Shorts

Jack Human’s Fifth Shorts

Short enough to reach your ankles

30.

If I were Kyle Reese, the jerk sent back to 1984 to save Sarah Connor, the moment I heard the crappy 80’s music, I would have quit.

No wonder the machines hate humans.

29.

Everyone who is lying -- your pants are on fire!

28.

I firmly believe that, if I'm good enough, a demon will occasionally toss water on me as I burn in hell.

27.

Thrill as Jump Cuts releases our latest production:

“Banana-Man: Man of Peel”

26.

There are advertisements for Lume Body Deodorant by the woman who created it.

In one of the ads, did Lume lady refer to the vag as a thigh-fold, or a thigh-hole?

I’m becoming confused.

I can’t remember what she referred to the dink area as in the Mando commercial. I think she also referred to male butt cracks too, but if she’s an ogbyn, how does she know men have butt cracks? Wouldn’t all her patients be women?

Maybe I should have done something other than jerk it during sex education class.

25.

"Courage! You know nothing about courage! Have you ever been asked to take a sip from someone's drink at a picnic?"

24.

If you want children to be quiet, stop teaching them to speak.

23.

I heard if you eat the living heart taken from any creature, you take the creature's power, so I ate the heart of a bird expecting to fly but all I did was crap myself and fall down. Next time I'm going to try turkey heart instead of chicken.

22.

I hate being in a rut, so sometimes I get dressed before I take a shower.

21.

That sandwich I just ate.

I'm looking at it like, "This tuna looks like shit. Why's it THAT brown?"

Then I realized we don't have tuna so I was thinking, "Well chicken salad shouldn't look like this either. And why is the mayonnaise so thick? This is messed up. I'm not eating this."

Then as I was preparing to complain, it occurred to me that it was fluffernutter and not mayonnaise. And I'm like, "Well, what's this other stuff?"

And it hit me it is peanut-butter. 

Or was peanut-butter because I ate the sandwich and, like my soul, it no longer exists.

20.

The year flies by

The day drags

19.

A documentary titled The Grey is on. It’s the true story of a jerk who prevents wolves from eating a number of savage humans because the jerk wants to eat the other humans himself in case they don’t make it to a convenience store where he can buy some M&Ms.

A decent human would just share the other humans with the goddamned wolves.

Eventually, the surviving wolves are informed that human bodies are polluted with dangerous medications, artificial chemical additives in their garbage meals, unhealthy skin lotions, and inhaled heavy carbon emissions along with tobacco and cheap methamphetamines. The surviving wolves say, “fuck this”, and signal a decent species in another solar system to come take them the hell off of earth which they determine is a planet that doesn’t deserve a capitalized name.

18.

One time when I was a cop we needed to open the door of a house quickly so I kicked it really hard. The door didn’t break open but my leg broke completely off. I picked up the leg and leaned on it like a cane and kind of hobbled back to the sidewalk where I waited for an ambulance. The other cops killed everyone inside the house and went home. But, as usual, we were at the wrong address and the ambulance never arrived for me. Three days later I died on the sidewalk.

17.

It's a really great feeling being outside and I don't feel like killing myself. I'm making an appointment with my therapist to correct that.

16.

I found a hole in my head and then fell into it.

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15.

Hi, I'm a Hollywood jerk and I'm looking for some white jerks to play the parts of an Asian, an African American, and a Native American.

I also need a white guy to play the female lead.

14.

How am I supposed to stop my corpse from biting people when I'm dead? 😰

13.

Nothing except everything compares to you.

12.

Today I ordered $700.00 of ghost porn over the internets. I love ghost porn, but I'm going to have to hire a ghost whisperer to tell me what they're doing. The company I purchased it from said it will just look like travelogues and real estate video's to someone who is not a spiritualist.

11.

Hi,

   I know you come here to read about the releases of my exciting jump cut movies but today I want to discuss a project in which I act rather than direct. 

   In this exciting film, I play the part of an 87 year old who has a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Sometimes it’s sunny outside when we stand next to our home and other times darkness leers upon the outside of the house while we sleep inside. Despite being 87 years old, I also have brown hair!

   The most exciting part of this project is that I refuse to act for any director other than myself and I wanted to concentrate on my acting so I didn’t bother with cameras or recording in any way.

   The project will be in theaters soon. So remember not to bring snacks because the team working the lobby need your support since my production company siphons every penny possible from the theater owners who pocket as much as possible before stiffing their own employees.

   Come to think of it, I get to keep all the money I would have given my lead actor in order to keep it out of the hands of theater employees.

   Due to our innovative use of no cameras, this is the greatest of all jump cut movies ever produced! Jump cuts too fast for the eye to grasp!

   Guaranteed not one scene you will regret viewing. The most comprehensively visually perfect movie you, or anyone who steals your wallet and comes to the show, will ever see!

10.

I was taking my pants off when I suddenly realized I wasn’t wearing pants. I totally needed to get sewn back up but I realized that doctors are expensive. I considered getting a seamstress to sew my skin back on but I don’t think seamstresses even exist anymore. So I found a hooker who did the job for $25.00. I considered it a gyp but figured there was no choice. On the positive side, the hooker said she also does tire rotations for $15.00. I’m going to ask what it would cost to maybe patch up my lower body where the skin didn’t quite line up. My stupid faucet is leaking too.

9.

I think it sucks that after you die, you can’t stay in your home.

8.

It’s not true romance if someone doesn’t get stuck with the bill.

7.

Time Crime:

Time heals all wounds

After having caused the wounds

Time is a jerk

Time wounds all heels

Time is a commotion
Which ends in a bore

Without the E

Time is Tim

Time is stalking you!

Time wears running shoes

Time will run out on you.

6.

BEWITCHED:

Samantha falls in love with New York ad exec Darren Stephens who promptly attempts to coerce Sam to deny her nature and conform to his vision of what a woman should be.

She guts him with a talking bed warmer

5.

Jump Cuts Productions is pleased to announce our first foray into a weekly tv show titled “Jerked by an Angel”.

It’s the weekly story of an angel assigned to jerk people’s strings and manipulate their emotional well-being through the use of heavenly powers in order to coerce characters to conform to God’s expectations rather than trusting individuals to find their own way in an often confusing and brutal world which God created to begin with.

The audience will thrill on a weekly basis as Jump Cut Productions applies our own unique jump cut take on stories guaranteed to excite and confuse the viewer.

Thrill as a teenager on drugs drives into a dumpster and bursts into flames while an angel laughs!

Tune in or we’ll telemarket and robocall you!

4.

I recall that when I was a child, people kept their telephones attached to a wall or floorboard in order to prevent the telephones from being stolen. It was common for people to take the telephones of others because, telephones were of great value, as opposed to now when telephones are worthless and no one even cares if they lose one. From what I hear, some people prefer their phones to be stolen now due to the relentless and needless interruption of their daily lives.

3.

Join me in hating Google.

2.

A crazy crackhead broad is trying to sell her baby for $5,000.00 on the television show “In the Heat of the Night”. The broad’s boyfriend wants $500.00. The baby just wants clean diapers.

They probably should check the market to see what price they should be charging.

I saw a sign about human trafficking in the emergency room at the hospital but it didn’t say where to find a dealer.

1.

Why make eggs the old fashioned way relying on a stupid chicken when you can lay your eggs yourself?

Jack Human’s Fourth Shorts

 Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.   

30.

Jesus was one of the founding fathers of the U.S. but they wouldn't allow him to sign the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence because he was Jewish. It's a shame because we could've seen how the savior wrote his name.

29.

Well? I’m waiting for some material, you son of a goat breeder.

28.

I’ve decided to become a gun slinger. Most bullets are made of lead and could hurt people by causing lead poisoning so I’m going to make my own bullets out of hemp. I may start a business producing hemp ammo once my gun slinging days are over.

27.

Dear Dad,

If you are reading this letter, it is because I wrote it by using a pencil to draw alphanumeric characters onto a piece of paper. I wrote the characters in specific order and sometimes used punctuation as necessary in order to make it easily legible to more clearly provide you with information.

If you haven't concluded reading this letter, it is because I am still writing. Sometime soon I will stop writing, and you will have nothing more to read.

I hope you understand.

Your son,

That baby your first wife had in 2005

26.

I remember seeing the movies Young Frankenstein, Jaws, 10, Star Wars, and a bunch of others several times in the theater. If you never watched these films in the theater upon their first release, it’s likely because you weren’t born. You may be confused about whether or not you ever were born to begin with.

Well, you needn’t worry. I’ve started a company that is developing birth tests. These tests will inform you whether you’ve been born or not. The tests will be FDA approved and, if you suck at shoplifting, the tests will be covered by up to 3% of insurance companies.

If you discover you haven’t been born, we will provide experts to give birth to you.

25.

Yesterday, in Dodge City, Festus was paid $10.00 for 3 days work. He painted a barn from sunrise until sunset each day.

Today Doc said he’d pay Festus 20 cents an hour to replace his stairs.

If the sun was up for 14 hours each day for Festus to paint the barn, that means he made about 23 cents an hour.

Festus should tell Doc he wants more money for the stairwell work. If he doesn’t get the bread he deserves, Festus should take a bottle of opium from Doc.

Someday I hope to make 23 cents an hour doing a week of work in 3 days.

24.

Facebook will begin stealing your underwear at midnight tonight if you don't copy and paste this message in the next 37 seconds, forward it to everyone in your mailing list, print a hard copy for your grandmother and call your third grade teacher. This is real. I got the message first hand from Elvis who was having lunch with Bigfoot while riding the Loch Ness monster. It was even on the inside back cover of every tabloid in the grocery store checkout line.

Not only will Facebook start charging you tomorrow, they are also going to bill your credit card for the past 3 years of services. Luckily, each person who copies and pastes this status will receive a FREE unicorn in the mail tomorrow. However, if you don't repost this status, Facebook code has been set up to automatically set your computer on fire and harm an innocent bunny in the forest! It's all true, it was on the news!

23.

Michael heard a noise coming from the bedroom. He went to see what the source of the sound was and realized he was already in the bedroom.

22.

I took some photos of myself wearing no clothes and sent them out to people in order to solicit them for sex. But, coincidentally, each person so far has turned up in an obituary. That's some bad luck on my part.

21.

In response to covid 19, Jump Cut Productions is reaching out to all of you. We considered giving $700,000 to hospitals and charities, however we came to understand that our company is in the red. Therefore, we are requesting that our loyal customers rent and purchase as many of our productions as possible.

We care.

Thank you for enabling our giving.

Stay safe.

Wear a mask, a helmet, and 15 pairs of pants.

P.S.

There’s a spider on your neck.

20.

Okay. My new Jump Cut production is underway. It’s a story about a dog that is a disgrace to all dogs and lives in shame. The dog is standing by a swamp and senses an alligator nearby. The dog, whose name is Corn, walks into some tall grass and hides in silence while its human roommate calls for it. The human walks down to the swamp calling, “Corn! Corn!”, at which point a giant alligator the size of Nebraska jumps up out of the swamp and munches on the human.

The gator goes back into the water and Corn dog quietly barks so the gator can’t hear and yet it appears to anyone who happens upon the scene that Corn dog tried to save the human who used to feed him crappy leftovers.

Since I’m bored, I’ll finish this up fast. Yet, not fast enough for you to be grateful.

The community catches onto Corn dog’s cowardly behavior and shuns the miserable brute. He spends the rest of the movie trying to redeem his reputation and regain the favor he once enjoyed effortlessly. Owls avoid him and cats spit on him. Eventually, Corn dog is reduced to eating junk dropped near dumpsters. Despite several jobs, he is continually fired. Eventually, he is debased enough to seek the attention of people in their twenties who also lack self-respect.

The sheriff finds Corn dog’s lifeless body. The dog’s not dead. Just emotionally empty and filled with shame. The sheriff buries Corn dog.

Credits roll.

=============    WARNING! Viewer depression advised    =============

19.

One time I raced a guy for ownership of our vehicles and I beat him so he was supposed to give me the papers to his car. I did win the stupid race. 

But the guy drove off after losing. 

So I drove around for a while and finally saw him standing by his car. I drove by and shot him. I mean, the guy OWED ME A CAR. The very car he was standing next to when I shot him. 

So I shoot the guy and drive off thinking, "What a jerk. He's dead and he could have been alive."

I went home and was eating a banana because that is all i saw lying around when the police show up and were like, "Did you kill that guy?"

So I said yes. I killed him. I explained about how the guy drove off without giving me the damn papers after the race. I asked, "What the hell was I supposed to do?"

This one cop said, "Well, you could have stopped, gotten out of your car and taken his papers from him. Then you'd have a car and you wouldn't be going to prison."

I considered whipping the banana peel in his smart cop face but the other 15 cops had knocked me down and were handcuffing me AS IF I WAS THE BAD GUY!

18.

Detectives asked Ed Rasby to take a polygraph test. He agreed. The results showed Ed Rasby had taken a polygraph test.

17.

Today marks 4 weeks without sugar for me. No meat, dairy, flour, or pasta. I feel great. I haven’t had any nicotine. I haven’t had any alcohol either and I haven’t felt the need for it. The best thing is that my joints are no longer sore and I’m never short of breath. In fact, I’ve had no issues since my burial.

16.

How often do you masturbate?

Is the first question I ask my patients who find it disturbing because I'm a child psychiatrist. My patients are thrown off at being asked the question by a 10 year old.

My response to their consternation is simply, "Idiot, do you think child psychiatry is a motherfucking game!"

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15.

Your account password has changed which is apparently something you should do with your underwear on occasion.

14.

Dear hostages,

A few days ago I was driving my car up the street because I keep getting yelled at when I drive it over peoples’ feet. On the opposite side of the street heading toward me was some old guy on a scooter. Scooter man had a cig hanging out of his mouth and no helmet. The lack of a helmet confused me because I thought all people on a motorized device had to wear helmets. Not that I care.

So this old guy on a scooter with no helmet and a cig hanging from his lips was passing by me. I steered my car across the street, knocked the cig out of his mouth with my hand, and yelled, “This ain’t France!”

I figured I could go back to driving half on the sidewalk since there are no rules anymore.

13.

I remember 100 years ago when the Covid-19 pandemic started and we had to wear masks. When the vaccination came out, I decided to continue wearing masks even though they aren’t necessary anymore. What happened was that 6 months after wearing masks, I realized I didn’t have to brush my teeth anymore and I have no intention of ever brushing my teeth again. Two days ago, I was outside alone so I removed my mask. A bird that I was watching fell dead from a tree and a squirrel in the same tree started screaming and trying to eat it’s own face but, I’ve saved dozens of dollars on toothpaste and crappy Listerine. Life is good.

12.

I was on the highway earlier today when it occurred to me I had forgotten my car. I got off at the next exit and went home to retrieve it.

11.

I’ve a skull and nothing with which to fill it.

10.

I am really really good at Karate. I learned it when I was 4 years old and practiced daily every day since then. I've had some really good teachers and won a few contests. the FBI hired me to kill CIA agents and Mexican drug lords hired me to defend them from the Colombians. Sure, I'm not perfect. I lost a few fights, but I am good at martial arts, specializing in Karate.

I tell you all this because work has been sporadic lately. I work as a refurbisher of used baby diapers as a profession but the industry has gone to hell since the advent of disposables.

Anyway, I finally found a part time job at a massage parlor. However, I hadn't time to train myself in massaging so I fell back upon karate and broke the spine of my first client. I was shocked. I knew I wouldn't be receiving a tip and I might get reprimanded. I fought my out through the lobby breaking Suzy, the receptionist's, arm and ran away.

The problem is that I still need to find a job. Anyway, I read about an opening in the maternity ward at the hospital. I'll let you know how it works out.

9.

I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.

I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.

Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?

I totally hate newspapers.

8.

I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.

7.

I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.

6.

As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.

This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.

This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”

Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential 

If not existential.

5.

If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.

4.

I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”

There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.

3.

Dan Diarrhea was running late...

2.

I was born.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...

I weep.

1.

Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.

Then I’ll punch them. And you.

Memories of Jack Human

Memories of Jack Human

1.     Corn Friend

I was hanging out with my friend Corn Cobb. We were discussing my bro, Corn Pop. Corn Pop borrowed 3 bucks from me for some M&Ms but really used the bread for some twizzlers. I felt betrayed. 

Corn Cobb thought I should contact our mutual buddy, Corn Bread, who had an associate named Corn Muffin. It was at this time I told Corn Cobb that I felt I should just refer to he and his friends as “the corns”, however, Corn Cobb responded that he would be required by Corn law to pop my head off if I did so.

So Cobb called Bread who thought to contact Corn Stalk, Kernel Corn, Candy Corn and Corn Ear. Things might have gone well, however, none of us had considered an actual plan of action. Initially, we thought we should ask for the 3 dollars back, but then Kernel Corn insisted we take the twizzlers. I explained I don’t like twizzlers and Kernel said they would all happily trade me some Corn Whiskey for the twizzlers. This seemed reasonable to me so I agreed.

Candy Corn suggested we call her old friend Corn Syrup because Corn Syrup really liked twizzlers.

So we all went out front and waited for Corn Pop to arrive. We figured everything was going to be cool when Corn Pop appeared with his wife, Corn Meal, and their children, the Corn Flakes.

Corn Cobb asked Corn Pop for the twizzlers and Corn Pop replied, “fuck off, you cornfucker, this is between me and Corn E.” (Me). 

I said, “Pop it easy, Corn, Cobb is just trying to help. He’s got your cash. And soon I’m going to be hitting the bottle.”

Corn Pop said to Corn Cobb, “Sorry, Cobb. It’s been a tough day.”

So we made the exchange.

A memory by Jack Human

2.    Corn Sale

So I called my friend, Corn Beef. He said a guy named Ice Corn had a ride for sail. I said, “you mean, for SALE, Bro?” And he said no and why don’t I just shut the hell up and listen? Ice Corn was willing to trade his car for a real sail. He had a sail boat but he didn’t know the sail was supposed to be attached and it blew away.

I didn’t need no car but this chump, Corn Cube, did. Cube was a chump because whenever he wanted to take public transportation, he would pay for tokens instead of just scooting under the back of some stupid tourist’s wicked long rain coat and sneaking onto the train.

I brought Corn Beef over to meet with Corn Cube but Cube didn’t have no sail, though. He attempted to pass off a sheet as a sail but we all knew the difference because the sheet was a cheap 300 thread one and any fool knows sails are at least 800 threads.

Beef looked at me and said, “Hey, Corn E! You think Vanilla Corn will have a sail?” I said I don’t think so. Vanilla Corn didn’t like being on the water. All his vacations were in the dessert which explained his severe Hyperglycemia and general lack of funds due to daily vacations.

Corn Beef said I was useless as usual and that he was going to put an ad on Craig’s list. I suggested he be careful because I used the Internet once and someone tried to stalk me.

A memory by Jack Human

3.     Dollars for Dollars

I asked someone at work today (today is the day before tomorrow) if the vending machines take ten dollar bills. He said yes. That surprised me. I thought vending machines only accepted quarters.

I didn’t have ten $1.00 bills so I tried one $10.00 bill. I expected the machine to hurl it back in my face but it swallowed the bill despite the bill being defaced by the number 10.

I purchased a gluten free item. Later I discovered the item not only entirely lacked gluten but wasn’t even free. Anyway, the machine threw 8 coins at me. I yelled at the guy who told me to expect the machine to take ten dollars for lying about it and I whipped the coins at him.

Then I realized that tomorrow is the day after today.

A memory by Jack Human