Thursday, September 7, 2023

Jack Human's First Shorts

 As opposed to real ideas, this page is designed to express my thoughts.

Jack Human

In reverse order:


One time I had a glove and it had jewels in it. I thought it was all groovy so I snapped my fingers but then half my toes and nipples disappeared.

29. Pizza be with ye, Bro.

Compassion for all but those who lack compassion.

Judge none but those who judge

No mercy for the merciless 


World Pizza


If I have kids, or trick a woman into having them for me, I’m going to make their legal last names “Chump”.

Then other parents can make statements such as:

“You better not be hanging around with that Chump.”

“Stay the hell away from those Chumps.”

“I’ll take your phone away if I catch you talking to that rotten Chump.”

“Get the hell out of my yard, Chump!”


I have an idea for a contraption I refer to as the "horseless carriage". The problem is that I can see the idea working without most of the horse but it looks like I'm going to have to utilize horse legs in order to propel the vehicle. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and take the legs off of my horses. We'll see how it goes. The "Mostly horseless carriage". It just might work.


Up until the 1980’s, perhaps the 1990’s, you could smoke cigarettes on a plane but you couldn’t use a cell phone. Now you can use your cell phone but you can’t smoke cigarettes. I think you can smoke cigars but no one does because now you can’t carry a goddamned knife on the flight to cut the end of the cigar off.

Airlines are run by jerks


Your constant war cries do nothing more than make me determined to take you down. By the way, they also let me know your position.


I live my life a quart of milk at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the bowl. Not the cereal. Just the milk. For those 3 seconds. I'm free.


I was imagining famous people with no clothes on. Then I got dressed and took a shower.


A woman in the supermarket today had 4 children possibly under the age of 4 along with her. Two children walking and two inside the shopping cart.

I expected to hear someone page, "overpopulation in aisle 20".



Don't do.

Do do.

Make up your shitty mind!


I have a terribly grotesque growth on my head. When I see it, I become nauseous and vomit violently. The doctor calls the growth a face


I wish my imagination were big enough that I could merely be a figment of it.


Never having had children of my own, sometimes I'll see other people's children and wonder whether I should take one.


I changed my will so the only person who receives my grand fortune is the one directly responsible for my death.


Murphy’s Law - movie 1986, or 1896? Starring Charles Bronson.

Charles Bronson hurls groceries at the windshield of his stolen car. Shitty 80’s production and soundtrack causes you to wish you were a can of tuna in the grocery bag rather than experiencing the movie.

Also: Murphy's law is a U.S. senate proposal to make it illegal to refer to any movie/video production from the 1980's as film.


Romey Crep, Carl Killion, Tush Lee, and Onie Hager walk into a bra. The bratender says, “If’n yer looking for booze, all we got in here is milk!” Onie’s cow busts into the bra, kicks the bratender in the face and says, “Moooo!”


I remember paying about $1.25 to see a movie when I was a kid so that’s still all I give them when I go to the theater.


Handguns are interesting in organized shooting tournaments and general shooting at targets, and then bringing home so's the children can shoot up their schools and each other.

One time I removed my pants and there was this freakish thing wiggling between my legs so I shot it. I feel much safer now.

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A son of a bitch is fired for wearing a suit purchased at K-Mart.

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Yesterday someone gave me a speech about democrats wanting gasoline to be $10.00 a gallon. I said no they don’t want that but I do. Today I’m adding “if it means you can’t afford to drive here and say this junk”

Now, imagine you’re in another dimension and the word junk is another way of saying the word shit. Now, get the hell back to your own dimension.


"I just want my jizz back"

says Frank "Jizzyhands" Short.

He is forlorn and his jizz socket is empty


I tested my blood. It was a bit tangy. I'm going to check my urine now.


If you ask me, Porky is a pig


I've decided to abandon the zombies in the upcoming apocalypse and side with Caesar's apes.


I wanted to turn off my computer. So, I removed my shirt.


I am getting even better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else. Soon, I will be capable of dialing a phone with… 

my hand!


Why are so many of you on this site so often? God! Why don't you just get a life. If you'd like to get a life, mine's available and bidding begins in one hour at $20.00 American dollars. The merchandise will be sold 'as is'.

(I misspelled few as many)


I am thinking someone should create a site for drunks and name it FacedBook.

I'm considering starting a site named FaceRift. People will all get together in small friendly groups and families, then some drama will cause a rift in the relationships.


When I was a cop investigating homicides, I used to show up at crime scenes when I had a cold. I recall sneezing all over evidence while examining it. Eventually I realized sneezing was why I turned up as a major suspect in 17 out of 23 crimes I investigated but I had a job to do. Families of the victims needed closure, so I continued to report to work while sick. When I was about to retire, I received an award for being cleared of homicide charges more than anyone else on the force.


I done been thinking I am a genius.

How do I know this?

People often whip darts at my head. They know I’m smart enough to get the point.



I was at my Health portal to prepare for a Doctor's visit and it lists some of my issues. I saw Nocturia and didn't know what it is so I clicked on the information link and it came up with:

"Urinary Problems During Pregnancy"

I didn't even know I was pregnant and my doctor never even told me. It was recorded in 2018 so I've been pregnant for at least 6 years.