Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

23.

Okay, you filthy bonobos.

And, in the end,

The blood you shill

Is unequal to the blood

You spill

Stop shilling and spilling blood.

22.

As you all know, in the future I will have invented a time machine. I have 2 goals.

The first goal is to go back in time to the birth of each and every human ever born and to punch them in the face at birth. This is going to take some work. I will need a team of volunteers to aid me in this endeavor. Let me know if you’re interested.

The second goal is to go back in time and kill the first biped. Or maybe cage it so it can’t breed. It depends on whether it smiles or scowls upon my approaching it.

I understand some of you may feel that the first goal is pointless because once I succeed with the second goal, none of the babies we punched will be born. The point of the first goal is to work out the anger for my own peace of mind. Yours too. The entire experience will be highly therapeutic.

Sign up. If you do, we can discuss skipping your birth while carrying out the first mission.

Thank you. Have a nice day and be kind to others no matter what species they are other than human.

21.

Crap! These stupid hippies on the Enterprise (a federation vessel) are singing stupid songs and not wearing pants.

If I were Kirk, I would keelhaul my own stupid crew for giving those goddamned sons of rodents information that enabled the pantsless jerks to take control of the ship.

Then I’d keelhaul the crew again for appearing to enjoy the presence of Eden loving freaks to the point of being distracted from properly doing their jobs.

This is a Federation vessel, Gumby damn it!

20.

Dear humanoids,

While driving what is often referred to as a vehicle along a street today, I saw a sign that had the message:

“Caution

Children”

I became severely fearful, for I had had no idea that children are dangerous.

====  ====

I also had a confusing sight of a guy riding a bicycle which had giant tires on it.

I believe the bicycle should be *on* the tires.

Farewell

Farewell

Farewell

Or don’t fare at all.

19.

If ever I have touched you in any way, all I ask is that you wash your hands before returning the favor.

18.

If all the troubles of the world were kept under one hat, who would be elected to wear the hat?

17.

Peter Brady said you can’t join the school team if you have long hair or a mustache.

That leaves his sisters out.

16.

Facebook stinks to the point where I told my stupid cell phone to not allow Facebook to stalk me. One of facejerk’s arguments for stalking is that it enables local businesses to show me ads.

Anyone with 1/3 of a brain (like myself) has trained themselves since learning to walk to entirely ignore commercials and all advertisements except to use them as fodder for jokes.

P.S.

If you don’t know who your fodder is, you can ask your modder.

Also, P.S

Here be an ad:

                                    ====    WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     ====

COMCAST ONDEMAND

"Love Object"

2003 | R (FEARnet)

A writer suspects his sex doll has become jealous.

                                        =====    ADVERTISEMENT ENDS     ====

15.

Hi,

I’m a nipple head. My head is made of nipples. I attach files with macros to my emails so they can be stopped by spam and ransomware filters.

Have a nippley day,

Thursty Nipplehead the Turd

14.

I needed to feel better earlier today so I pictured myself crying at my own funeral.

13.

Only a small number of people commit murder, but they are killer at it.

12.

I'm looking for a group to record my new hit song "I Don't Want to Spend Another Day (Listening to Your Bodily Functions)”

11.

Loving people can leave you feeling empty.

Eating them fills your belly

10.

Oh no!

John Wick is about to knock off 15,000 people!

Should I let him do it, or should I notify the authorities?

Wait. John’s victims are humans so I‘m going to offer him help.

9.

I gotta get into shape so bad it's killing me. I'm trying to do sit-ups and curls but I need something to work my balance and eye-hand coordination while building up my lungs. It occurred to me that boxing would be good. Then I saw a woman holding a baby and thought, "Babies", that's who I can box. 

I'm going to be boxing babies for sport and health. I've chosen babies because I think I can beat them. They're short and their little hands are kind of soft so I won't be getting hurt too badly.

Baby Boxing. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe if I smoke some crystal meth, I'll have the energy to open a nationwide baby boxing business.

Wish me luck!

Addendum:

After being severely beaten by babies, I now box squirrels. Or I try to. The bastards keep running away.

8.

Facebook has added 4 more corpses to your trunk.

7.

This is worse than that time Picard promoted Worf to head of security and Worf locked the ship doors and escape pods then lit the ship on fire 🔥!

6.

I received this notice from the makers of my psych med:

"Hello Assface,

BRINTELLIX is changing its name to TRINTELLIX. TRINTELLIX is the same depression treatment as BRINTELLIX, only with a new name."

5.

Smelly Salivas had awoken to the sound of his own stomach screaming in hunger. So he punched it.

Stay tuned for paragraph two.

4.

Farnsworth: “Backup. I don’t like people breathing on me when I’m eating.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry, Mr. Farnsworth, but everybody has to breathe somewhere.”

The Love Boat did return from that cruise eventually, but everyone on board was dead and the Coast Guard refused to touch the ship. Three weeks later, the U.S. Navy nuked the Love Boat.

3.

In the largest heart failure study ever, more people died of heart failure than gum disease.

2.

General Billingsly addressing a group of ex-military personnel.

"87,000 rounds of ammo fired and you didn't even hit a bystander? I'm changing your designation to The Lame-Team!”

1.

Do you like smiling and it makes you happy?

STOP IT!

Ads Without Distractions 23

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

 

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

The Walking Dead

Unknown episode.

Governor: 

"The first time we gathered there was nine of us holed up in an apartment with Spam and saltine crackers. Well look at us now!"

Someone in the Crowd: 

"we're all out of saltines you stupid incompetent loser! A monkey could run Woodbury better than you."

A different voice from the crowd: "let's kill the freak!"

We see the crowd tear the governor’s face off and shove it up his butt.

Mad Men

Preview of S7.E14 Person to Person

I saw a preview of the final episode of Mad Men . Don is picked up by a UFO and tortured for his recipe for crystal meth. He can't convince the gray he doesn't have one but he gets the gray to break open a bottle of bourbon. The gray asks how Don keeps his hair looking so cool and Don says he parts it with a hatchet. The gray kills himself trying to emulate Don's cool. Don takes control of the ship but can't go back to new York because Nixon carpet bombed the city on the advice of Henry Kissinger. 

I missed a part of the preview but then I saw a shot of Nixon and Kissinger in a freeze frame of them laughing at their antics and Don is about to destroy the white house with them in it.

Then instead of normal period music playing over the ending, we hear the theme to CHiPs.

Gunsmoke

Season.episode unknown

A jerk on Gunsmoke was falsely convicted of killing his friend. The judge sentenced him to hang in Hayes in 30 days and the guy got all hyper saying he was innocent.

I don’t know what his problem was. From what I could tell, he had nothing going on. His wife considered him a jerk. He didn’t look well groomed as he had no one to impress. He didn’t seem to have any real interests. I think he just wasted his time hunting and trying to gyp people.

Everyone in town disliked him enough to convict him despite a lack of witnesses.

Seems like hanging wouldn’t be so bad. 

Maybe he could eat a bunch of candy before the hanging and the kids in Hayes could use him for a piñata.

(I’m considering firing myself for a total lack of background and detail concerning this recap)

Gunsmoke

S4.E19 Passive Resistance

Two assfaces on Gunsmoke killed a guy’s sheep. 24 innocent sheep died. Murdered by cow dicks. I seen it happen and I’m hoping those cow licking sons of bitches get what’s coming to them. I’m going to tell the Marshal myself. The sheep guy is a nice old man who wouldn’t hurt anybody. He’s so peaceful that he won’t talk for fear of someone being hurt.

He’s broke. Ain’t got no wool to sell.

Oh no! The cow humpers returned and burned the man’s house and barn! I didn’t see it happen so I can’t be a witness this time.

Crap! The asses are going to assault Gideon, the sheep guy. One of the cow pokers rode a horse and dragged him with a rope. The Marshal ain’t gonna let it go this time! No sirree (I don’t know how to spell that). Oh wait, he ain’t doing nothing because Gideon won’t talk.

Cattle jerkers suck. Always have. Always will.

Wait! One of the cow suckers is getting drunk in the Long Branch. Looks like the Marshal overheard enough to know what’s going down. Drunk cow puller told the Marshal he seen what his soulless, gutless, cow sucking friend did to the old man.

Ha ha! Cow pig got knocked off by the Marshal!

That was a rough episode.

Star Trek

 S1.E18 Arena

I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.

Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.

Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.

Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!

Is there anything Kirk can’t do?

Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.

Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.

Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.

Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.

Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!

Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.

You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

But not still enough.

Movie (film) 1951

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!

Starsky and Hutch

Random Episode, Unknown.

I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.

Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.

So the whacko shot a cop.

Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”

Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”

Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.

Suckahs!