Friday, June 28, 2024

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

: Possibly old. Possibly new(d).


"So, what are you drinking?"



A woman enters a police station and asks to speak to the detective investigating a recent crime stating she has knowledge concerning the violent incident.

Detective: “Is this about Ronald Pimsy?”

Witness: “Yes, it is.”

Detective: “We want to know why he was murdered. Can you tell us that?”

Witness: “Oh yes. Most definitely.”

Detective: “Please then. What was the reason for Mr. Pimsy’s murder?”

Witness: “Ronald’s killer didn’t want him to be alive.”


Young woman:
"Don't come any closer. I'll jump!"

Leo Dicaprio's fortune telling character:
"Go ahead. The ship's going down anyway.”


Detective: “Now, how about you tell me where you got those eggs?”

Suspect: “My chickens.”

Detective: “And did the chickens willingly give you those eggs or did you just take those eggs and make off with them with absolutely no consent on behalf of the chickens?”

Suspect: “I want a lawyer.”


Customer: "Do you guys know anything about staining wood?"

Stainer: "Not as much as we know about staining underwear. Do you need some underwear stained?"


Suspect: "I didn't do it. And sheriff, I'm not going anywhere until I've nailed whoever is responsible for my mother's death."

Sheriff: "Why would you want to fuck your mother's killer?"


Jerk father: “Look, I know she’s your biodot, but ...”

Mother: “Biodot? What the hell is that?”

Jerk father: “You know. “Biodot”. Biological daughter. All the kids are saying it. I hear it all the time.”

Mother: “When do you hang around with kids? And why?”

Jerk father: “I hang out with kids all the time while you’re at work. Usually at the school. Where do you think I buy drugs?”

Mother: “You do drugs?”

Jerk father: “No, Babe. I usually slip them into the drinks of people at the bar so I can rob them.”


Jerk: “I have slain your dreaded dragon.”

Queen: “We liked that dragon, you jerk. It used to plow our fields and it kept the assfaces from other nations from invading us.”

Jerk: “Now excuse me. I’m going to pull that sword out of the stone over by the lake.”

Queen: “No, you jerk! It’s the only thing keeping the ogres from roaming the countryside murdering my subjects!”


Girl: “At least you have a dad.”

Boy: “I don’t”

Girl: “What do you mean?”

Boy: “He just walked out to work one day and never came back.”

Girl: “Where did he work?”

Boy: “At the end of a plank.”


Employee barges into the Human Resources office, slams his hand down on the desk.

Employee: “I DEMAND to know why I’m not on the short list of candidates to be 3rd shift supervisor!”

HR: “You’re fucking 6 foot 5 inches! You’ll never be on the short list for ANYTHING! Now get the fuck out my office.”


Police inspector: “It appears you made a big mistake when you stepped in the dead woman’s blood while fleeing the scene. So, what have you got to say to that?”

Suspect: “Well, to be honest, the woman wasn’t dead when I stepped in her blood.”


"This ant! It's eating my groin!"

"It's an ant, you moron. Just pull it off. And this is a public park. Why aren't you wearing pants?"


Attorney:”Operator, get me Bentoncourt 4535”

Operator: “Get it yourself. You obviously have a phone, you jerk.”


Biff: “Thanks for the drink Buford! I'm really thirsty.”

Biff takes a sip from the cup Buford handed him. Biff spits out the drink and makes a gagging sound.


Buford takes the cup and sniffs it.

Buford: “That's odd. It shouldn't taste like that at all.”

Biff: “Well what the fuck is it?”

Buford: “Urine!”


People’s names are being recorded for a gathering in an auditorium. A guy asks a jerk his name.

Guy: “Name, please.”

Jerk: “Why the hell should I give you my name?”

Guy: “Because if there’s no record of you being at the briefing, you will be required to attend a second time. Now, may I have your name, please?”

Jerk: “Newton . Dick Newton.”

Guy: “Newton ain’t signed in yet.”

Jerk: “He has now.”

Guy: “You Dick Newton?”

Jerk: “How many times I got to say it?”

Guy: “Is it okay if I call you Dicklips?”

Jerk: “My mother does.”


Quincy: “Tell me. How did he die?”

Sam: “Well, Quincy.  Once the truck slammed him into the wall, it appears his lungs were crushed and his broken ribs sliced through his heart.”

Quincy: “So you’re saying it was a combination of a bullet wound and blood poisoning?”

Sam: “No. But talking to you is pointless anyway so let’s go with that.”


Captain James Tiberius Kirk: "Ensign. Take Mr Drake to the transporter room. Quickly!"

Ensign: “Can't we just transport him there?"


"Does my cigar bother you"?

"No. But the fact you have it in your ass is seriously disturbing."


Boyfriend to girlfriend: “My darling. My love. Will you marry me?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, my dear, but only if you don’t attend the ceremony.”


I've written a screenplay I intend to produce. It will star Sam Worthington and Sam Huntington. In order to cut costs, they will be billed as "Samington". This how a producer works on a shoestring.

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Scene: A space ship on a never ending mission to seek out nude life and nude civilians. To explore peculiar new worlds and to unwelcomely go where no filthy human has gone before.

Ship’s chief engineer: “Craptain! My underwears cannot stand the strain much longer!”

Craptain: “Get off the damn ship, Pottie!”


A passenger is being screened before boarding the plane:

Airport authority: “Do your nipples have covid-19?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you lick them and find out for yourself?”

Airport authority: “Do you always answer a question with a question?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you ask me a question and find out?”


A young man approaches a cashier and places cash and a few coins on the counter and says:

"A pack of menthol cigarettes."

Cashier: "I'm sorry but that's not enough"

The young man reaches into his pants pocket and slowly withdraws a pair of pliers. He inserts the pliers into his mouth and struggles to pull out a tooth. He succeeds in pulling the tooth from his mouth and slams the bloody tooth down on the counter alongside the cash and change he put down a minute ago. 

Cashier: "That's interesting but I still need that nickel you were short on"


Spouse I: “You have to pay the bill!”

Spouse II: “Can’t the bill pay itself? I have more important things to do. Plus, I don’t even exist, so good luck getting me to pay.”


Day 1. No fun:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “I said I love you.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”


Wicked old father: “Uh what?”

Next day. Worse than the first:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad”

Old man: “What?”

Adult son: “I said, I love you.”

Old man: “I heard you!” (Laughs) “I just wanted to humiliate you in front of the goat.”

Day 3. No reprieve:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 


Wicked old father: “I’m trying really hard to ignore you, you simpering, emotionally needy dick face.”

Day 4. Let’s just shut this down:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Why would you want to rub me, you sick disgusting freak?” 


Jerk: "Come on out and show yourself, McGyver, or I'll shoot your friend here. And you know I'll do it!"

McGyver: "Go ahead! He's bald anyway.”


911 operator: "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

Man: "I'm in a public restroom. You gotta get me the fuck out of here!”


A Police detective is close to retirement and is having dinner with several coworkers.

Retiring Detective in a somber yet slightly wistful tone:

"Throughout my career I've been asked to investigate many strange and unusual people."

Sargent Bigsby from across the table while slicing the roast beef on his plate:

"Did you investigate yourself?"


Cyrano de Bergerac was standing before a judge in a French courtroom in which there was no jury because it had been determined that nobody was his peer.

Judge: “These murders have been the worst and most grisly crimes that this court has ever presided over. I'm only happy to sentence you to 700 lifetimes to be served consecutively. What could possibly have compelled you to commit such atrocious and monstrous acts?”

Defendant de Bergerac: “They called me Cyrano de Booger-hack.”


Doctor: “Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, I have good news and bad news about your daughter’s condition after the accident.”

Mrs. Sawyer (crying): “What is it?”

Doctor: “The good news is she’s dead.”

Mr. Sawyer: “What the fuck? How could that be the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “She’ll never be able to walk again.”

Saturday, June 8, 2024

Criminal TV Revulsion

 Tonight on Criminal TV

Tonight on Criminal Minds, the shitty FBI goes to a small town and makes snide comments concerning the work ethic of people who haven't had the benefit of special training and decades of experience. Some cops are shot but the agents only show concern for other agents.

Several innocent people are accused and treated like shit while being condescended to because they take part in an S&M fetish. 

Garcia mentions cat videos.

Meanwhile, the unsub murders a string of prostitutes applying deep psychological slight of hand he learned from watching network crime drama. The unsub cleverly takes time to frame a priest that is really a violent pimp and drug dealer.

This episode is to be continued. Be sure to tune in next week for the exciting conclusion to the synopsis.


Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Jack Human’s Second Shorts

 As opposed to real ideas, this page is designed to express my thoughts.

Jack Human

In reverse order:


A woman on Dragnet told Sargent Friday she's only 29. I think she means she was 29 years old like about 29 years ago. Yet another case of a 78 year old actor playing young. Old people stealing jobs from the young ones.

Maybe I’ll do that.


A woman's sex drive increases the further away I am from her.


Yesterday, my friend Festus was paid $10.00 for 3 days work. He painted a barn from sunrise until sunset each day.

Today Doc said he’d pay Festus 20 cents an hour to replace his stairs.

If the sun was up for 14 hours each day for Festus to paint the barn, that means he made about 23 cents an hour.

Festus should tell Doc he wants more money. If he doesn’t get the bread he deserves, Festus should take a bottle of opium from Doc.

Someday I hope to make 23 cents an hour doing a week of work in 3 days


Tell your doctor if you have a doctor


People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.


Michael Landon wrote a Bonanza episode about Little Joe’s wife being murdered. I think Little Joe is going to leave and seek out the murderers of his wife.

It should have been Little Joe who got murdered and then his widow goes to track down the murderers but then realizes that it was just Little Joe who was murdered so she goes back home and lives a long normal happy life.

Until the next yellow fever outbreak


Give the correct answer, the wall gives you money. Give the wrong answer and the wall urinates on you.


Well, there's nothing I look more forward to than a good old fashioned hanging.

Now, if only I can find someone to kick this horse out from under me


See the new movie release: I Am Wrath

Crummy Revolta unloads A barrage of blistering action as a former black ops agent seeking vengeance for the murder of his goldfish.

Rated minus ********* stars.


One day I was chewing on some hard candy when my forehead fell off.


If anyone asks you if they should lose weight, just say no. In fact, tell them they need to gain a few pounds.

You never know if you’ll be trapped in a lifeboat with them and have no food available


My wife and I watch a great number of apocalyptic movies. Many of them are weather or climate related. A lot of the climate based apocalyptic movies show people in the streets with signs that read "The end is nigh" or "Repent!"

What kind of moron has time to picket the apocalypse?


Wherever there is conflict of any kind, I will be doing my best to avoid and ignore it. Join me.


Feel free to send me your movie, play, or television scripts if you feel they are lacking in plot or resolution. I can fill in plot holes like nothing. It's my talent. I did it in a carnival for some years before they put a restraining order on me.


Squiddly Diddly was having a bad day. He hadn't thought it could be worse than the miserable experience he had suffered a day earlier, but he was wrong. The day before, Squiddly had been entangled in a net. He had fought hard to escape the net as it was being dragged forward and he'd lost two tentacles in the overwhelming struggle. The very last thing he recalled before blacking out was being pulled away by a strong sea current.

Upon awaking, Squiddly realized it was late afternoon. He found himself half washed up upon a breakwater in a small New England bay. He was covered in damp seaweed for which he was grateful because it had protected him from the sun and from predators. As Squiddly hauled himself up and was about to splash himself back into the sea, his one eye caught a human family eating at an outdoor table of a restaurant. The mommy and daddy were laughing with their children but this is not what interested Squiddly Diddly and he began to violently vomit while sinking back into the briny sea, for, he saw that each parent was eating one of his missing tentacles. It mattered not that he would grow the tentacles back. He was sickened to a degree that he had never been before. He would forever carry the horror of witnessing himself being devoured by the very predators he had hoped to have escaped.

15. The Yearling (recap kind of)

The movie I’m watching, The Yearling, is hilarious.

The yearling was a young deer who sucked up all of a farmer's corn. The farmer was pissed off. His son, Jody, offered to whip the deer but the father made the kid build a fence to keep the deer out of the field. The deer, being smarter than the kid, jumped the fence and ate all the corn again.

The poor clowns lost two yields to a stupid deer which was smarter than they could ever hope to be.

The kid was told to take the deer out in the woods, tie it up and shoot it. The kid led the deer out into the woods and let it go free.

The deer was sad and wondering, "What the fuck? Now I have to grow my own damn corn?" But then realized it knew where there would be some corn growing and hiked back to the farm.

The deer showed up at the farm and the parents forced Jody to kill it. Jody was upset and pissed off. He told his parents, "I hate you. I hope you die! I never want to see you again!"

Jody’s father replied, "We hate you too. We WILL die. And we never want to see YOU again."

Jody ran off crying, became lost, and nearly starved. Jody was found, however, and returned home where the ghost of the deer appeared to him in a dream and said, "Hey, you moron. I just want to thank you for taking me in so I could be killed for doing what is natural to me."

A voiceover revealed, "Jody never killed another living creature again. He only killed dead ones. He refused to join the military and be in all the shitty wars the U.S. would get into. He stayed home during wartime and dated the wives of servicemen."

Jody looked happy in his sleep as if he had just relieved himself and the movie ended.


Mick Dickbone was at his sentencing for a series of horrendous murders. The Prosecutor's office chose to prosecute Dickbone on the 2 murders for which they had the most forensic evidence.

Dickbone had been murdering random people who he happened upon while walking the city streets at night. He would engage his victims in conversation and find a reason to ask them back to his apartment where he would murder them, have sex with them, cut them up and place the body parts in trash bags. He would carry the bags out and place them in trash cans on city property such as parks and common areas such as subway entrances.

Dickbone was prepared for the guilty verdict and wasn't looking forward to the sentencing. He watched the judge up at the bench as the judge finished his brief speech concerning the atrocity of the killings. Then the judge announced the sentence.

"Michael T. Dickbone, this court sentences you to two consecutive life sentences for murder plus 65 years for the improper use of city trash receptacles."

Dickbone was shocked but didn't faint. He turned to his court appointed attorney and asked, "What's a 'receptacle'? I don't recall having sex with anything other than the victims."


I saw part of a nature program that I can’t recall the title of. The episode featured gorillas high upon a mountain. The gorillas eat a lot of leaves and vegetation. There was a scene of a gorilla pooping into its hand, which I thought was odd because I tend to poop in other peoples' hands.

Anyway the narrator’s voice explained that the gorillas eat their poo, which is green. Apparently, the reasoning is that the gorillas absorb more nutrition the second time around due to the breakdown of the vegetation the first time making nutrients more accessible. The voice also said it's possible the gorillas want something warm to eat because it's cold on the mountain.

Then the camera moved in for a close-up on one gorilla who was eating its poo. The gorilla looked into the camera and spoke, "Sure, I like my life the way it is now, but I dream of one day opening a restaurant that specializes in serving poop. I'll probably open it in New York city because I've read the gorilla population there is wicked low so I'll be serving food that is exotic to the natives. I know they'll love it."

The gorilla took another bite and continued, "Initially, I was going to name the restaurant 'MacDonald's' but I heard there is already a place with that name serving poop."


Yesterday (the day before today), it was 27 degrees f (spelled F) when I went to work. I think it was 36 degrees when I left work. It got pretty hot in 10 hours. Almost 10 degrees in 10 hours. I considered going to Little Pond but I was asked to never take my shirt off or to wear shorts by the town. They aimed a boomstick at me when they made the request. They never said I couldn’t take my socks off, so I went barefoot as I hung around outside. I suspect I had a depressive spell because the world seemed so completely dark. I couldn’t see the sun at all. I like to stare at it.


Gregor Samsa walked into a bar. The bartender snapped the filthy germ ridden cloth he used to wipe up general messes and the inside of  glasses before pouring the customers' drinks and laid it over his equally germ laden shoulder. 

"Get the fuck off the ceiling and take a chair like everyone else, or get the hell out of here!" the bartender barked.

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When people tell me they like the color of my hair, I punch them. And when someone gives me cake and ice cream, I punch them.

I was raised by boxers


One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half.

It turns out I have opposable thumbs.


When a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, the tree lies there quietly wishing it lived in the city.


One time I slipped into a swimming pool and ate a person because I was an alligator


Riddle me this. What's black and white and red all over? 

A penguin with a hole in him.


According to the International Department of Disturbing Statistics, there is a 50% chance your mother was a female.


Over $200.00 for a stupid med to prevent me from killing myself? I'll take the suicide, please.


Okay. So you’re late for the big meeting. You reach up to touch your face but your face doesn’t like being touched and it bites your hand. Your hand is bleeding now but you can’t be late for the big meeting so you use your other hand to cut off the bleeding hand.

It turns out the meeting is scheduled for tomorrow.


Fire is the answer to most problems. It's how I shave. I even use it to burn my clothing off so I don't have to manually undress myself like a peasant.


I got wicked drunk and when I awoke the next day I discovered I had legally changed my name to Droolmaster B. I was like, "what the hell?" The name was supposed to be Droolmaster R.

The following week, I went back to court and they said to shutup. I can't change my name again until I get drunk and come back in 10 years.