Thursday, November 22, 2018

Ads without distractions 18


Monday, October 29, 2018

Pointless rambling about a Highway to Heaven

Pointless rambling about a Highway to Heaven -

We (myself and someone other than you) have been watching "Highway to Heaven" lately. Generally, they are uplifting but the last several were insane. Jonathan, an angel, tends to abuse people. Sometimes he abuses the people he’s sent to help.

On one, the Angel, Jonathan Smith, kept telling an old man to act like a man. At one point, the old man was scared and felt bad and he ran off to die on his land. Jonathan and Mark found him and chased the guy up a rocky slope. The man fell and Jonathan thought it was a good time to give the poor guy another dressing down about how he's acting like a selfish jerk. "Nobody cares if you have dementia setting in. Get the hell up and act like a man!"

On yesterday's episode of Highway to Heaven, some kids were selling drugs and Mark decided to go undercover and record the kids breaking the law. They found his wire and the lead kid slugged him on the back of the head and injected him with a ton of cocaine. So I was thinking, "These kids aren't all that bad."

Anyway, Mark went into a coma. Jonathan, the angel, was pissed and went to yell at all the kids while they were gathered in an auditorium at the school. One of the kids, feeling guilty, left to use the boy's room, so Jonathan followed him in and pretended to be Mark. I'm thinking, "Hi, I'm a grown man following a teenage boy into a men's room."

There were no paper towels so the kid punched the paper towel dispenser and got a speech from fake Mark (Jonathan) about the sanctity of paper towel dispensers (I think this is where I wander into  'unreliable narrator' territory so I'll try to get back to what really happened).

The towel dispenser punching kid went back to the auditorium and screamed, "Towel dispensers are sacred!" No one cared so he yelled out who shot up Mark with the cocaine. The cocaine kid pulled a pistol from his pocket and ran out of the auditorium. I noted how easy it was to bring a gun into school in the 80's and thought maybe the teachers were passing them out with books and stuff. Too bad kids today ruined that whole scene so no one can bring arms to school anymore.

Cocaine Boy makes it to his car and drives off. Jonathan shows up in the passenger's seat and the kid freaks out, points his pistol at Jonathan, and fires. Apparently, angels aren't concerned with accidental drive-by shootings. Jonathan freaks the kid out further causing him to drive into a giant dumpster or something and the car explodes with the kid in it.

Jonathan stands in the flames looking righteous. Kind of like an angelic Satan.

So I started laughing my head off.

The stories this week were directed by Michael Landon, so he could have fixed them up. I'm assuming he was some kind of gender nazi by the way he demanded the old guy with dementia to be a man. The angel laughing at the exploding kid is pretty representative of the reagan years when it was decided that people cannot be redeemed. Especially if they do or sell drugs. Despite the kid attempting to murder Mark, you would expect an Angel to have compassion and prefer to see the kid incarcerated. It's one thing to be tough. It's another thing to be tough without love.

The old man in the previous story didn't need to literally be told to man up, either. The man could have been convinced in a much more compassionate way to take action in helping his grandson save horses. The story was about bringing a family together.

A show earlier in the week had Jonathan 'helping' a kid get over the death of his father by lecturing the boy on growing up or something.

Jonathan:  "You have to be a man. Your father would have wanted it that way."
Kid: "B-b-but I'm only 7 years old, you dick."

There’s an episode in which God told Jonathan to do a job so Jonathan became angry and broke open a liquor store window and whipped the bottles at a theater Marquee for the film "Heaven Can Wait"

I'm wondering who the hell took those stories seriously enough to learn and become better people from them.


Tuesday, October 23, 2018

My ruined bath / the maytricks

My ruined bath

I was in the bath tub when the phone rang. It was Darth Vader. He was telling me how earlier, he'd been strangling some stupid official of the empire when he was hanging out at the Death Star. Vader kept laughing. Apparently he thought the incident was funny. I was wicked high, though, so when I was laughing, it was at the sound of Vader's voice. I kept thinking it was the phone talking to me and not someone at the other end of the connection. Eventually, I told the phone it was a jerk for disturbing my bath and I hung up on it.

I remember one time I was eating with Darth Vader and a huge clump of hot cheese dripped from his pizza and got on his breastplate. I didn't tell him and he spent the rest of the day wondering why people were staring at him. This was about 2 weeks after he disrupted my bath.

the maytricks

The Matrix is on. I'm wondering what Morpheus does in his off time. Does he play tennis? Baseball? He must do something. I would think he'd go crazy if he spends all his time thinking about the Matrix.

When old Morph offered Neo the two pills, one red. one blue, claiming that one pill would return Neo to his old life and the other pill would open him up to the truth, Neo should have taken them both so he could stay where he was. What's Morpheus going to do, run to the cops and claim that Neo ate all his drugs?

Just because you CAN wake people up from a nice orderly life and introduce them to the reality of garbage-dump world, does it mean you SHOULD do this?

"Relax. We're not going to give you pain killers while we stick these metal instruments into your body and do stuff, so relax. Pretend you're not here. Pretend you're in another place, a nice place, a place kind of like a matrix."

This movie of full of laughs.

The Crank Scenario

The Crank Scenario

I awoke. I wasn't quite happy about it. The last thing I remembered was having a conversation with the creature that dwells within my house. She may have drugged me. I don't know. I didn't care at this point anyway. I could tell I was in the cellar. The lights were off but some light was coming in the one small window that faced the street. It was enough light that I could see the washer and dryer. I was strapped down in what felt like an old style hospital bed. The kind of bed from before hospitals had computerized systems embedded into them. I was in a half upright position and my hands were cuffed to the rails on either side of the bed.

"I see you have awoken." She said and then turned a bright lamp on that was aimed right at my eyes.

"What's with the light, you fool? I know who you are.", I demanded as if I was running the show.

"Silence! You will not talk. You will listen and I will do all the talking.", she responded sharply and then continued. "I have torn your heart out and replaced it with a bomb. If you ever hesitate in performing any task I ask of you; you will die."

“That's an odd tact to take with someone who has suicidal tendencies.”, I responded.

"I told you to be silent!", she hissed while whacking me on the bridge of my nose with the pliers she'd used to tweak the bomb placed lovingly in my chest cavity. "I happen to know that you like to pee and will never allow any harm to yourself as long as you can stand while doing so."

'Damn it!', I thought. 'I never should have told her my hopes and dreams. Maybe this is what I get for having hopes and dreams in the first place. I was a fool to believe I could live my dreams. It's been a long time since I've had pizza too. I wonder if pizza has gotten any better in the past 15 years? I still can't eat it, though.'

"Stop thinking stuff!", she yelled. "Here's how it's going down. You will live to pee another day only as long as you do exactly as I tell you. Exactly! There will be no dawdling and no fooling around. If I suspect you are not working as hard as possible, I will blow a hole in your chest the size of your car."

"What if I ever get tired of peeing and decide to let the bomb go off?", I asked.

"You're an idiot." She replied, "You claim you want to die and yet you take your Lovastatin nightly to control your cholesterol levels."

I was frightened.

"My doctor told me to do it.", I whined, adding, "Is this even really necessary? I already do everything I'm told."

She tossed me a hacksaw. It landed on my belly. "I've long suspected that you have a plan to one day do as you like and not as you're told. Now I know for sure that day will never come. Now use that hacksaw to get yourself out of that bed. I expect the snow to be gone from the driveway within the hour."

She turned off the lamp which had been aimed at my eyes, walked up the stairs, and turned on the cellar lights before closing the door.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Suicide Insurance, real cheap, Man

Suicide Insurance, real cheap, Man

Buy This Policy or I will Kick Your Dog in the Teeth

Hi, I'm not Fred Thompson, but I was once his sports jacket,

Are you lonely? Bitter? Afraid of amphibians? Call me at Suicide Insurance Incorporated. I will sell you a suicide insurance policy like no other. It's easy and it works like this: You make me the beneficiary of your life insurance policy and then I will kill you. I'll make it look like an accident and you will have nothing to fear; you'll never see it coming and I will feel no pain. What do you get out of it? By making your death look like an accident, you will not go to hell for committing suicide. If you are unfortunate enough to be married, and even more unfortunate enough to have children, I will pass on a part of my winnings, I mean, insurance money, to the surviving members of your family*. If you merely have a dog, and not a family, I will feed your dog. Sign up now. The best suicide insurance this side of military service is waiting for you.

Think about it. The world is a nasty place full of germs and foods such as onions. Your cat won't talk to you. Your doctor hates you. You're finding it more difficult to afford all the alcohol you need just to make it through breakfast. And, if all that isn't bad enough, you're best known for smelling like a goat.

So why wait? Call now. Our operators are waiting. Don't make us come for you.

* Suicide Insurance Inc. is not responsible for family members that may be hurt or killed if I decide to kill you at specific times such as dinner time, family reunions, or while driving home from the dentist.



Is your spouse ugly? Do armadillos follow you with bad intent? Does your mother expect you to call every Sunday? You may be in need of Suicide Insurance. If you want to kill yourself and are simply too lazy to do it, we can arrange to do it for you at a reasonable price. Once you're dead, you can rot with the satisfaction that you've had the best suicide policy available in today's market.

Are you able to kill others but not yourself? This policy already has your name on it. Simply call the number on the screen and our very friendly operators will be happy to take your call.

[Close up of an unidentified man]


"I was unable to kill myself and so I used that urge to kill others. My mother was ashamed of me, and my sister wouldn't take my calls anymore. But then, I discovered Suicide Insurance incorporated and, it didn't save my life, but it did save the lives of others. Suicide Insurance is now going to end my life and I don't have to lift a finger to do it myself. It's all in their hands now. They promised me a painless and peaceful death at a low convenient cost. Now I can truly rest in pea... AARRGGHHH! No! Help! Save me!"


Oh my God! How did that wolf get in here? Well, in any case, I guess that double indemnity clause for 'death by wolf' really did come in handy. Who'd of thought?

So, please call the number on the screen now and put your worries behind you!

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Bush monkeyhead

Bush monkeyhead

“i am president incompetent monkyhead” -
bush announces over his airwaves
- and i am leader of the romulan party

bush's federally funded doctor
enters the room in a cage -
“i certify this here incompetent monkeyhead
being clean, if not entirely free,
of germs & other contaminants”

there is no cheering yet

fabulously & tender as chiffon,
a moth flutters from bush's ear
he smatches it from the air
and shuffles it between his two tongues
outside, in the street, a coyote
belches from abstinence of food

bush cries out with a mighty pride
wraps hisself in carbon dated sewerage

- “i am crappy here to bleed with food
i do not see your squalor, and, if i did,
i would neither notice nor acknowledge it” -

bush (BUSH)
cannot himself find the whole world itself
on a map
and has to be restrained from
drinking water out of the toilet,

You can't never get a new world order done
without first killing up the old one
but first we have to bomb iraq

when called upon to tell a truth,
the BUSH swears he will
reform the part in his hair

he leaves the microphone
tanks follow him from the podium

news crews awaken themselves
and take a scooter home

BUSH receives a call -
“quick! I need to use up the earth right now!” -
it is the voice of commerce-
“yuh yuh i need the cash
first, of course, we have to bomb iraq” -
BUSH fears he will not make a mark
other than the hash marks in his undies

he considers the future,
the following generations,
he wants to – “starve all those
unborn bastards into submission
and force them to respect me” -
charles manson calls
to express admiration for
bush's suit
the suit keeps BUSH out of jail

bush bemoans
the world no longer exists
a map of a menu is passed along
someone suggests he place a
new world order

once again
he speaks passionately for an eternity
and a dollar-fifty

media thugs agree with BUSH
news crews shake 'n awaken themselves
catch the next scooter home
to where their precious laundry awaits,
a tiny microscoptic camera follows them,
that is their thanks

the plan is on!
teamsters control their forked trucks
and operate benign enemy robots
while the grumpanies that splay them
hurl huge unbelievable amounts of cash
into a viscous and uncalled for tornado

no treats fall from the sky

ceo's of thoughtless souls
fire lead pellets into rats' holes
from the safety of their limos

the order has passed bush [BUSH] by
bush furthermore ain’t got no job and is now unemployable

cheering ain’t gonna help

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Daily Harbinger - Man Accused Of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For Fourth Time

Charles Marshall Accused Of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For Fourth Time

Charles Marshall
CINCINNATI — The City That Refuses to Sleep -

A Cincinnati man appeared in court on charges that he'd masturbated in public with a teddy bear.  This is the fourth time in two years that suspect, Charles Marshall, has been arrested for violating a Teddy Bear.

The first offense was in February, 2010. Marshall confessed to "engaging in masturbation with a teddy bear in a men's bathroom while texting."

Marshall was arrested once again nine months later for knowingly engaging in an indecent act. According to court records following that incident, despite being convicted, Marshall escaped punishment by arguing he did not knowingly commit an indecent act. He also asked that the prosecutor stop using words for which he did not know the meaning.