Jack Human’s Seventh Heaven Stain
16.
Kin Creed, Print Asper, and Dal walk into a bar. Miss Kitty, the owner, says, “Get the fuck out of here. We don’t serve chumps with freak names. Punch them in the face, Sam!”
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This week on White Collar a man commits suicide when a dry cleaner refuses to clean his shirts because they don't handle clothing with unusual collar stains.
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15.
From Dragnet:
The suspects were convicted of second degree burglary. Second degree burglary is a criminal act in which the burglars break into a home or business, wash their hands, and forget to take any possessions. The punishment for second hand burglary is 15 years.
In the next episode, a brief scene of the inside of the DMV shows a room full of women working but not being paid the same as men. Several seasons later, Friday will be machine gunning people for smoking dope.
14.
From what I've read of the age demographics in the U.S., soon facebook will become bowelbook and we'll all post copies of our endoscopies while discussing the latest humiliation that bowel movements have brought upon us.
For those of you who've yet to have an endoscopy, there is a method for doing it at home. Duct tape a small web-cam to the end of a highly flexible stick and insert it manually. As with most day surgeries of this type, it is recommended that you put yourself under first with some kind of anesthesia. Many medical professionals recommend knocking yourself unconscious with a rubber hammer.
13.
I'm considering surgery to have my pants removed.
12.
I was taking my clothes off when I heard a voice asking that I put them back on. It was myself.
11.
I was a moron as a child. Fortunately, I grew up to be an idiot.
10.
I couldn't feel more safe. I'm wearing a bulletproof diaper.
9.
My next film project is going to be a major release pushing the boundaries of my previous jump cut series. This 86 billion dollar project will be tentatively titled “Jump Cuts: Interactive”.
The audience will thrill as it peers upon a sequence of jump cuts racing at breakneck speed while interacting with the movie utilizing the use of cell phones, google glasses, microchip embedded condoms, PlayStations, X-Boxes, RF guns, RF Chipped credit and debit cards, cable, WiFi, fiber optic toothbrushes, and a slew of other devices you have never heard of.
Imagine looking up at the movie screen and viewing yourself looking up at the movie screen and watching yourself texting 911 because the excitement is overwhelming!
Thrill as 10,000 jump cuts tell the story our writers and director were incapable of creating comprehensibly due to a lack of reason or talent!
Interact even more by showing consternation over the bad lighting provided by a mere 86 billion dollar budget.
Eat your popcorn even as your popcorn nibbles upon you and view the jump cut that exposes your digestive system weeping miserably.
JUMP CUTS: INTERACTIVE
Jumping to a theater seat near you
And cutting.
8.
When my hair started thinning, I wanted to address the problem head on. I removed my head.
7.
I've been writing some pretty snide letters to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development I had to step back a little on the last one. The line I removed was:
"Thank you for providing me with the phone number. I've called several times but couldn't get through to a human. I didn't really expect anything positive to happen anyway so the joke is on me for being disappointed."
6.
The first 3 pages of my new unfinished novel "Why am I such a Lazy Bastard Incapable of Accomplishing Anything Useful in Life?" will possibly be on sale soon in a store near you if I ever bother to pick up the phone and okay its release by the publisher.
I like releasing unfinished novels.
5.
Is that a ferret on your shoulder, or have you merely become hairy faced and small headed? - J. Alfred Prufrock.
4.
Today is the last day of your life up to now so put a bow on it.
🎀
It's done.
3.
Nobody's been shooting at me lately. It looks like I'm going to have to hire a new assassin.
I was worried about having to fire the old assassin, but then I figured, what's he going to do, kill me? Judging by his work ethic, I have nothing to be concerned about.
2.
I have a plan to create a meme that says,
"Another name for Texas Chainsaw Chili is"
- then there is a graphic of a pot of chili with human fingers and eyes -
"Who Stew"
1.
I am your love child, you perverts.
