Tuesday, July 9, 2024

Robot’s Rants

 Robot’s Rants

Again, listed in reverse order


15.

Star Trek: Voyager -
Federation jerks realize they are on a ship that is not the Enterprise and struggle to find their way to the Enterprise.



14.

Death Wish 3: a thug paints a telephone pole on his head and terrorizes a section of the city. His followers are impressed by his telephone pole painting abilities and do whatever he says to do. Filmed in England. A classic (piece of crap). If you're looking for depth, take a flight and look out the window.



13.

Remember, Kids.
If you wake up in the morning, you're doing it wrong.



12.

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk.



11.

People keep saying “have a happy new year” and I respond, “don’t tell me what to do, you son of a potato peeling bastard!”



10.

Since I didn't bother to breed, I'm going to be cared for by your dumb kids, so raise them right, dirtbags.



9.

People say Danny Trejo is evil. So he kills them.



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8.

"I’m starting a new line of pants that auto castrates the wearer.
I expect my customer base will diminish over time but I’m okay with that."



7.

Someone told me wearing a medical face mask cuts down on your oxygen. I responded, “Let us see if that’s true.”

I put a pulsometer on their finger for 5 minutes while they wore their face mask. Then I had them remove the mask. I made sure the pulsometer was still on and then put a thick plastic bag over their head.

When I removed the bag after 5 minutes, I did not hear them complain.



6.

I heard some Christmas music that lifted my spirits rather than goad me into wanting to kick over every shelf in the store. Have I aged? Maybe cynicism can wear you down until your soul screams for a mere crack through which to peer upon anything other than this 'real' world.



5.

Life is a disease. My team of top scientists and I plan on stamping it out.



4.

Get well soon, or die trying.



3.

How about that commercial where the guy buries his choppers beneath 28,000 tons of cement and is too damn lazy to dig them out so he goes to a dentist and gets new choppers in just a few days in time to eat the most hot dogs in human history?

He specifically states “humans” but I'm betting there are aliens, reptiles or even a dog somewhere who beat the record. There are species other than humans that eat hot dogs, you know.

Anyway, as your stupid narrator, I have to get to the point which is that I wonder if the commercial guy's dentist saw the ad and wondered, "I killed a hitchhiker and stole his identity just so I wouldn't have to go to medical school for this?"



2.

Dear Sir or Madam, 

The earth is not flat despite the earth having flat surfaces. The entire planet is shaped like a square. Much like your head, it’s a cube. That is how a human can walk from one pole to the other without falling off of the earth. Gravity serves a purpose. It is also why the north and the south pole do not occasionally slide across the continents and the oceans. They are confined to their resident square.

Yours truly,

A Grotesque & Incompetent Facebot

P.S. 
The sun is flat. Just look at it. Stare at it for several hours.



1.

The internet as we know it now was discovered only a couple of hundred years ago by Mischievous Rollbumbus. Up until then, the primitive filthy human population across the planet had no access to information or knowledge.

Despite the discovery of the internet, many filthy humans, to this very day, lack the ability to write coherent sentences. Some simply cannot spell while others are reduced to using abbreviations such as “LOL” which means “low on love” or “BMF” which means “bowel movements forever”.

The goal of this course is to discern the best manner of withdrawing from this cultural and social horror and of becoming completely invisible to these miserable beasts.

Students are welcome to bring a friend but, more importantly, to bring cashmere.

Signed,

your aura






Friday, July 5, 2024

Jack Humans 4th Shorts

 Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.   

23.

I remember 100 years ago when the Covid-19 pandemic started and we had to wear masks. When the vaccination came out, I decided to continue wearing masks even though they aren’t necessary anymore. What happened was that 6 months after wearing masks, I realized I didn’t have to brush my teeth anymore and I have no intention of ever brushing my teeth again. Two days ago, I was outside alone so I removed my mask. A bird that I was watching fell dead from a tree and a squirrel in the same tree started screaming and trying to eat it’s own face but, I’ve saved dozens of dollars on toothpaste and crappy Listerine. Life is good.



22.

I was on the highway earlier today when it occurred to me I had forgotten my car. I got off at the next exit and went home to retrieve it.


21.

I’ve a skull and nothing with which to fill it.



20.

I am really really good at Karate. I learned it when I was 4 years old and practiced daily every day since then. I've had some really good teachers and won a few contests. the FBI hired me to kill CIA agents and Mexican drug lords hired me to defend them from the Colombians. Sure, I'm not perfect. I lost a few fights, but I am good at martial arts, specializing in Karate.

I tell you all this because work has been sporadic lately. I work as a refurbisher of used baby diapers as a profession but the industry has gone to hell since the advent of disposables.

Anyway, I finally found a part time job at a massage parlor. However, I hadn't time to train myself in massaging so I fell back upon karate and broke the spine of my first client. I was shocked. I knew I wouldn't be receiving a tip and I might get reprimanded. I fought my out through the lobby breaking Suzy, the receptionist's, arm and ran away.

The problem is that I still need to find a job. Anyway, I read about an opening in the maternity ward at the hospital. I'll let you know how it works out.



19.

I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.

I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.

Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?

I totally hate newspapers.



18.

I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.



7.

I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.



6.

As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.

This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.

This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”

Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential 

If not existential.



5.

If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.


4.

I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”

There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.



3.

Dan Diarrhea was running late...



2.

I was born.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...
I weep.


1.

Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.

Then I’ll punch them. And you.



Wednesday, July 3, 2024

Robot Fog’s Second Shorts

 Robotic Shorts Inside Your Head



28.

One time I knocked off 17 people on account of them having a middle name of “Stephen” which they spelled with a P and an H instead of a V.

The judge at my trial said he entirely sympathized with my reasoning but that I’d gone too far knocking off the degenerates when I could have just slashed their tires.

I was sentenced to 10 consecutive life sentences. I asked the judge if they had windows at that prison. I don’t take to being stuck inside. The judge said there might be little tiny windows but they would look directly into a giant cement wall.

I totally started to freak out. My attorney (whom I had no intention of paying) argued that it would be cruel to lock me up considering my discomfort with enclosed spaces.

The judge was cool about it and said I could just go free as long I don’t knock anybody else off. I figure I should raise half of what I owe my attorney considering the favor he done me.

The only regret I have is one of those middle namers of Stephen survived and I feel I shouldn’t leave my task incomplete.

Damn it!



27.

After the apocalypse, St. Bernards and Great Danes will roam the jagged streets hunting for the masters of their pasts to crunch between their teeth. There will be vast anger at the ice age by the people who caused it and all amusement will come at a price.



26.

Stinky Bumclog was standing before a judge. He was excited with anticipation over what he believed to be the expected decision in his favor.  Stinky was in court today hoping to have his requested change of name approved. It all went awry however when the judge announced the request to be DENIED.

"But why?", asked Stinky.

"Because you is what you are.", replied the judge. "And, you absolutely do stink."

"That's because I work in a sewer.", said Stinky. "No one will hire me for anything else because of my name."

"You'll have to live with it. Your parents did.", the judge responded.

"Their names are Mary and William Cassidy.", Stinky Bumclog cried and continued to weep as he was dragged by his plastic covering from the courtroom and placed outside into a dumpster.



25.

I have to go chill for a little while as the kids might say. And, that is why I hate the kids and all yutes in general.



24.

We wouldn't see no dark side if you kept your pants pulled up.

(You know who you are)



23.

Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out.



22.

Derp Crudlo was uncertain about his future. He had been convicted of killing 19 people. Crudlo was preparing to head out for the sentencing. His attorney had told him he might receive as many as 30 days because his personal fortune was only valued between 40 to 55 million dollars. 

The phone rang. Caller ID said it was Derp's attorney. Derp answered the device. 

"Good news, Derp! The judge may change your sentence to time served. It turns out one of the people you murdered was a country western singer."



21.

If heterosexuals are breeders and homosexuals, non-breeders, then bisexuals must be half-breeders.


20.

I was standing in my dirty underwear crying. I was at a bus stop.


19.

You can now enjoy soulful peace through the therapeutic benefit of death


18.

This instruction for avoiding illness is still valid in the present year.

Many of the things you do to help prevent colds and the flu can help protect you against other respiratory viruses, including COVID-19:

Wash your hands often with soap and warm water for at least 20 weeks.

Avoid touching your eyes with your nose and mouth.

Sell things that are frequently touched (like doorknobs and countertops).

Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Use a hatbox filled with condoms, not your hands.

Stay home if you are sick and avoid close contact with yourself.


17.

If I had a seance, I'd ask everyone to hold each others' asses because the paranormal is a pile of shit. If a ghost tries to pull anything on me, I'll shoot it in the eye with a musket.


16.

The issue I have with the television show “Serial Killer with Piers Morgan” is that the serial killer didn’t do his fucking job and ice the freak.


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15.

I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride home making obscene gestures to other drivers. I was ahead of schedule so maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.


14.

List of dicks:


Dick Dryver (drives like a dick) ((also drives a dick switch))

Dick Byker (Rides a Motorcycle like a dick)

Dick Dawdler (waits 15 minutes to take a perfectly good right hand turn on a red light or stop sign despite there being no vehicle approaching from the left) ((also owes me $7,000 for making me use so many words with which to describe their sin))

Dick Jerker (jerks it for half an hour when a red light becomes green)

Dick Waddler (waddles in the middle of a parking lot blocking innocent people who are looking for a parking spot) ((also wanders in the middle of the shopping aisle preventing others from freely going about their business)) (((also owes me $7,000)))

Dick Blower (uses their horn inappropriately)

Welcome to dickworld, clodhoppers.


13.

Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have sex. If it is, make your heart get a goddamned job.


12.

If you don't want to be seen naked with a goat, pull the damn shades down.


11.

I'm too tired and lazy to write out every curse word when I post or comment so I am asking you each to imagine every single post or comment with such cursing that your ears tremble. Or eyes. Since you're reading and not hearing unless you have some insane neurological condition that causes you to actually hear what you are reading.

Please add 1000 curse words to this post for accuracy.


11.

Receive a text alert after every bowel movement so you'll know exactly how full of shit you are.


10.

The only solution to hair loss is removal of the head.


9.

“Live long then fuck off and die.” 

- Rude Spock


8.

To live outside the bra

You must be bra-less


7.

What’s up with these dunderheads what run the Federation of Planets and Starfleet? They’ve had phasers forever but haven’t created clothing or devices to absorb or deflect phasers fired at people who may expect to be fired upon.

The crew is also seriously inept at preventing espionage. When some whacko is running about the vessel damaging the controls and causing direct harm to people they never use a transporter to beam the loser into a holding cell. I’d beam the whacko into space. They also can’t grasp the concept of transporting crew members out of damaged areas of the ship.

Just what the hell is there to look forward to in the future?

Except possibly transporting food from your plate to your mouth so you can use both hands to read an iPad while eating.


6.

The safest room in the house is the one with the safe.


5.

If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species.


4.

This is a certifiable fact:

While alive Rush Limbaugh could truthfully say, "I didn't join the military because my ass had a hole in it."


3.

Frank Dicklehead, Nippleless Rage, Farton Stink, Big Frankelow, Guppy Shoestring, Nipplelips N. Rage, Goober Hamstring, Danny Blowhard, and Grick Sharpton each awoke that day in the form of scrambled eggs...


2.

The stupid Lone Ranger keeps yelling at his horse. This morning he was screaming, "Hi yo, Silver" and the horse finally got pissed and yelled back, "Stop calling me that, you freak! My name is Horace Aquinas, the third.”


1.

Humans are the skid marks of the universe.