Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

 Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

Hi, Dick Dribble here. I decided to add value to this site without even bothering to inform Robot or Jack. What I do is none of their business. That cad, Robot, may as well be a toaster oven.

In reverse order like my life:

28.

I have an idea for a 90 minute snuff film which is made by just following Jason Statham around with a camera while he kills people. Call me, Hollywood, or you will be in the film.

27.

Hi, I'm a 90 year old actor who wants to tell you about this anti-aginig product. This product will remove your wrinkles by shrinking your pores and filling in the remaining droopy wrinkly skin like bondo.

You see, I don't look the way you see me now. I have a team of specialists shellacking my face with smootheners and a cinematographer who is using a filter that would make a shrunken penis look like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So buy this crap now.

26.

Yes, it's true I often cry after sex but, in my defense, the thorns on the rose bushes are drawing blood from my legs as I stand outside the bedroom window

25.

I've decided to refer to everyone I speak to as "dollface" and then ask if they'd care to see my chest.

24.

Just because two or more people are having sex, it doesn’t mean they have to be in the same room while doing it

Quoted from -

Artificial Ignorance

23.

Dear Severe nipple heads,

Life is not as difficult as you make it.

Burn in hell.

Yours sincerely,

Buford Puffer

22.

Prosecutor: “When was the last time you had seen Mr. Jones?”

Defendant: “It was when we were in the same room together at the same time. My eyes were open.”

Prosecutor: “Did you attack Mr. Jones with this aluminum baseball bat I’m holding?”

Defendant: “How the hell would I know? I had closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t get blood in them!”

21.

Welcome to Tiny Bladder Productions.

We hope you enjoyed our dribble.

20.

After many failed attempts, I have finally found a way to successfully weaponize my sperm.

19.

7 billion people per day have to go to bed after having nothing but stale crap for dinner. Now, for the low cost of 19 cents per day, you can ensure that one small child can go to sleep with a tummy full of fresh crap while the other 6,999,999,999 people still go to sleep with stomachs full of stale crap like they deserve to.

18.

I was wondering why I don’t stab every person I see. Then I realized I’d left my knife at home.

17.

I've decided to stop wearing underwear since I just peed myself and I'm also seriously considering getting butt implants on my head!

16.

I just found a squirrel in my underwear. Shots were fired.

**** publisher’s note ****

We here at Broken Trains are happy that the squirrel escaped but sad that Dick Dribble survived. We do not in any way support the existence of Dick Dribble.

**** END publisher’s note ****

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15.

The Rise of Dickjerker

Coming in a theater near you!

Bring a raincoat. There won’t be a dry eye in the house.

14.

If I smell like a baby, it's because I pooped myself.

13. Overheard on the bridge.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish brewing my coffee.”

12.

I might consider using Viagra but, with my luck, would probably just wind up fucking myself.

11.

Facebook is the opium of the bastards

10.

I just wrote a song titled, "I am your mother's prostitute". I have another in the works named, "Your lips hardly feed me".

9.

No matter what I wore, I always wondered if people could see my bladder leak absorbing underwear. Now I wear it on the outside of my clothing so I can be sure it’s noticed.

Maybe I’ll wear my bladder on the outside and eliminate the need for expensive absorbing underwear.

8.

If I were a doctor, I’d kill all the other doctors in town. Then I’d be the only doctor in town and such a valuable commodity that I could get away with murder.

7.

Hey! It's me, that jerk you'd all like to see dead!

Well I'm going to make your wish come true but it's going to cost you $15.00

That's $15.00 per viewing. So if you walk away and decide you want another view, it will cost another $15.00.

6.

I was forcibly removed from philosophy class for kicking somebody in the Kant.

5.

While you jerks were out jerkin' it, I legally changed my name to Dwight: "Dwight Ransom". My friends call me "Handsome Ransom", even though I'm not handsome. And I don't have any friends, so pretty much nobody calls me that. What's my point? Why don't YOU tell ME!

6.

Moss Doodleman, Putrid Buttstink, and Dick Puller all walk into a bar...

And are asked to leave.

5.

Hi! I’m a dick.

When a traffic light turns green, I stay where I am and play with myself for up to 70 minutes even if the streets are clear of other vehicles. 

It’s important I do this because I’m a dick.

Did I mention I’m a dick?

4.

After watching 5 billion televised true crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I now use an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

Thank you, true crime shows.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

3.

Dr. Dick Dribble was sitting across the desk from his newest patient, Abatha Cranberk.

"So, how long have you been a doctor?", asked Abatha. 

"Oh, since I placed 'Dr.' in front of my name 2 weeks ago.", replied Doctor Dribble.

2.

Salad dressing? Salad isn't a Barbie doll that you play with and dress up for fun. DO YOU THINK EATING SALAD IS A MOTHERFUCKING GAME?

1. Pain free services

If you suffer from muscle pains and cramps in your legs or your feet, for a small fee, I will remove your legs or your feet. You will be entirely relieved of all discomfort and pain for the cost of merely $1.79. Do your legs suffer pains and cramps, but your feet are no trouble at all? For $2.56, I will remove your legs while leaving your feet.

Call now. 877.pai.nless

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

 

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

Gunsmoke

Season.episode unknown

A jerk on Gunsmoke was falsely convicted of killing his friend. The judge sentenced him to hang in Hayes in 30 days and the guy got all hyper saying he was innocent.

I don’t know what his problem was. From what I could tell, he had nothing going on. His wife considered him a jerk. He didn’t look well groomed as he had no one to impress. He didn’t seem to have any real interests. I think he just wasted his time hunting and trying to gyp people.

Everyone in town disliked him enough to convict him despite a lack of witnesses.

Seems like hanging wouldn’t be so bad. 

Maybe he could eat a bunch of candy before the hanging and the kids in Hayes could use him for a piñata.

(I’m considering firing myself for a total lack of background and detail concerning this recap)

Gunsmoke

S4.E19 Passive Resistance

Two assfaces on Gunsmoke killed a guy’s sheep. 24 innocent sheep died. Murdered by cow dicks. I seen it happen and I’m hoping those cow licking sons of bitches get what’s coming to them. I’m going to tell the Marshal myself. The sheep guy is a nice old man who wouldn’t hurt anybody. He’s so peaceful that he won’t talk for fear of someone being hurt.

He’s broke. Ain’t got no wool to sell.

Oh no! The cow humpers returned and burned the man’s house and barn! I didn’t see it happen so I can’t be a witness this time.

Crap! The asses are going to assault Gideon, the sheep guy. One of the cow pokers rode a horse and dragged him with a rope. The Marshal ain’t gonna let it go this time! No sirree (I don’t know how to spell that). Oh wait, he ain’t doing nothing because Gideon won’t talk.

Cattle jerkers suck. Always have. Always will.

Wait! One of the cow suckers is getting drunk in the Long Branch. Looks like the Marshal overheard enough to know what’s going down. Drunk cow puller told the Marshal he seen what his soulless, gutless, cow sucking friend did to the old man.

Ha ha! Cow pig got knocked off by the Marshal!

That was a rough episode.

Star Trek

 S1.E18 Arena

I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.

Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.

Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.

Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!

Is there anything Kirk can’t do?

Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.

Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.

Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.

Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.

Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!

Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.

You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

But not still enough.

Movie (film) 1951

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!

Starsky and Hutch

Random Episode, Unknown.

I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.

Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.

So the whacko shot a cop.

Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”

Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”

Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.

Suckahs!