Saturday, July 20, 2024

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie     <---  mutilated French



Wingless Flicker


The albino snake fetus was shaking. His head, like his words, was jerking. A tenuous void sprouted from his mouth and ignited the fecal fumes discarded by his toilience. 

It could not rain. The sun began to flicker. Dolphins rotted.

Hope vomited but vowed to make a return.







Bedtime


Got to go to bed.
Maybe rest the head.
Try to sleep like the dead.
Dream in colors that aren’t red.







Stay There


everybody goes to hell
we're all going to hell
pack your bible and pack your beer
we're hightailin' it to hell 
and the devil will be there
Some people got no choice
others always have known
when we hit the flames, 
we’re all on our own






Say Goodbye


The year will never end.
Like every year previous,
it will linger upon our existence.
Following each of us.
Stalking us. Ensuring we break.
Harvesting our energies.
Harvesting what remains of our souls.
Eventually, each and every year
Will continue beyond us
Not recognizing we ever inhaled,
Exhaled, digested, or cried
Until we are no more
And the years still will never end

So, happy new year!





Moon Itch


I'm climbing upon the underside of the moon.

All spidery legs and itchy too.

I am a circus without a tent,

a gambler without a working pair of dice.

Whosoever itches themselves itches me too.




Phone Betrayal


I await a phone call.

The sky outside is gray.

I hear autos pass by on the street.

A set of brakes slightly squeals 

as though happy to slow down. 

I await the phone that never calls.



Tobacco Load


She’s got brown fingertips

And 3rd degree burns on her lips

She’s got ash tray breath

I’d kiss her more often but

I fear catching her death

She smokes like a chimney

putting the atom bomb to shame

But it’s not her fault

It’s nicotine to blame




sky purges itself

Grandma won’t open the door

Raindrops sting like darts


 


loud Seagulls cry out

Fish fry in oily sizzles

Coca-cola pops







Evening Blessed


It is dark outside

the sky has shut its eye

warming us gently

beneath its lid.



The Sound of Nature


This is the sound of nature

beating your soul to a pulp.

I apologize. I am mistaken.

This is the sound of humanity

beating your soul to a pulp.

Nature blithely lurks watching.

Whether in horror or agreement,

nature does nothing to indicate.

Nature makes no effort to prevent

your soul from becoming pulp.


Once done. When you are gone,

when you are just a stain of pulp,

Nature may have a taste, a gulp,

Or not




in a bar


in a bar,
just want to lift my glass, be left alone,
crawl inside the television set,
pull the screen up around my neck,
tuck myself in, and
be gone





[ Meanwhile, in another location entirely ]


I am your deity

said the pony to the snowman

it's time to get deliberate

and you are out of focus











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A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.


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Tuesday, July 9, 2024

Robot’s Rants

 Robot’s Rants

Again, listed in reverse order


15.

Star Trek: Voyager -
Federation jerks realize they are on a ship that is not the Enterprise and struggle to find their way to the Enterprise.



14.

Death Wish 3: a thug paints a telephone pole on his head and terrorizes a section of the city. His followers are impressed by his telephone pole painting abilities and do whatever he says to do. Filmed in England. A classic (piece of crap). If you're looking for depth, take a flight and look out the window.



13.

Remember, Kids.
If you wake up in the morning, you're doing it wrong.



12.

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk.



11.

People keep saying “have a happy new year” and I respond, “don’t tell me what to do, you son of a potato peeling bastard!”



10.

Since I didn't bother to breed, I'm going to be cared for by your dumb kids, so raise them right, dirtbags.



9.

People say Danny Trejo is evil. So he kills them.



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8.

"I’m starting a new line of pants that auto castrates the wearer.
I expect my customer base will diminish over time but I’m okay with that."



7.

Someone told me wearing a medical face mask cuts down on your oxygen. I responded, “Let us see if that’s true.”

I put a pulsometer on their finger for 5 minutes while they wore their face mask. Then I had them remove the mask. I made sure the pulsometer was still on and then put a thick plastic bag over their head.

When I removed the bag after 5 minutes, I did not hear them complain.



6.

I heard some Christmas music that lifted my spirits rather than goad me into wanting to kick over every shelf in the store. Have I aged? Maybe cynicism can wear you down until your soul screams for a mere crack through which to peer upon anything other than this 'real' world.



5.

Life is a disease. My team of top scientists and I plan on stamping it out.



4.

Get well soon, or die trying.



3.

How about that commercial where the guy buries his choppers beneath 28,000 tons of cement and is too damn lazy to dig them out so he goes to a dentist and gets new choppers in just a few days in time to eat the most hot dogs in human history?

He specifically states “humans” but I'm betting there are aliens, reptiles or even a dog somewhere who beat the record. There are species other than humans that eat hot dogs, you know.

Anyway, as your stupid narrator, I have to get to the point which is that I wonder if the commercial guy's dentist saw the ad and wondered, "I killed a hitchhiker and stole his identity just so I wouldn't have to go to medical school for this?"



2.

Dear Sir or Madam, 

The earth is not flat despite the earth having flat surfaces. The entire planet is shaped like a square. Much like your head, it’s a cube. That is how a human can walk from one pole to the other without falling off of the earth. Gravity serves a purpose. It is also why the north and the south pole do not occasionally slide across the continents and the oceans. They are confined to their resident square.

Yours truly,

A Grotesque & Incompetent Facebot

P.S. 
The sun is flat. Just look at it. Stare at it for several hours.



1.

The internet as we know it now was discovered only a couple of hundred years ago by Mischievous Rollbumbus. Up until then, the primitive filthy human population across the planet had no access to information or knowledge.

Despite the discovery of the internet, many filthy humans, to this very day, lack the ability to write coherent sentences. Some simply cannot spell while others are reduced to using abbreviations such as “LOL” which means “low on love” or “BMF” which means “bowel movements forever”.

The goal of this course is to discern the best manner of withdrawing from this cultural and social horror and of becoming completely invisible to these miserable beasts.

Students are welcome to bring a friend but, more importantly, to bring cashmere.

Signed,

your aura






Jack Humans 4th Shorts

 Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.   

24.

Dear hostages,

A few days ago I was driving my car up the street because I keep getting yelled at when I drive it over peoples’ feet. On the opposite side of the street heading toward me was some old guy on a scooter. Scooter man had a cig hanging out of his mouth and no helmet. The lack of a helmet confused me because I thought all people on a motorized device had to wear helmets. Not that I care.

So this old guy on a scooter with no helmet and a cig hanging from his lips was passing by me. I knocked the cig out of his mouth with my hand and yelled, “This ain’t France!”

I figured I could go back to driving half on the sidewalk since there’re no rules anymore.



23.

I remember 100 years ago when the Covid-19 pandemic started and we had to wear masks. When the vaccination came out, I decided to continue wearing masks even though they aren’t necessary anymore. What happened was that 6 months after wearing masks, I realized I didn’t have to brush my teeth anymore and I have no intention of ever brushing my teeth again. Two days ago, I was outside alone so I removed my mask. A bird that I was watching fell dead from a tree and a squirrel in the same tree started screaming and trying to eat it’s own face but, I’ve saved dozens of dollars on toothpaste and crappy Listerine. Life is good.



22.

I was on the highway earlier today when it occurred to me I had forgotten my car. I got off at the next exit and went home to retrieve it.


21.

I’ve a skull and nothing with which to fill it.



20.

I am really really good at Karate. I learned it when I was 4 years old and practiced daily every day since then. I've had some really good teachers and won a few contests. the FBI hired me to kill CIA agents and Mexican drug lords hired me to defend them from the Colombians. Sure, I'm not perfect. I lost a few fights, but I am good at martial arts, specializing in Karate.

I tell you all this because work has been sporadic lately. I work as a refurbisher of used baby diapers as a profession but the industry has gone to hell since the advent of disposables.

Anyway, I finally found a part time job at a massage parlor. However, I hadn't time to train myself in massaging so I fell back upon karate and broke the spine of my first client. I was shocked. I knew I wouldn't be receiving a tip and I might get reprimanded. I fought my out through the lobby breaking Suzy, the receptionist's, arm and ran away.

The problem is that I still need to find a job. Anyway, I read about an opening in the maternity ward at the hospital. I'll let you know how it works out.



19.

I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.

I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.

Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?

I totally hate newspapers.



18.

I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.



7.

I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.



6.

As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.

This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.

This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”

Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential 

If not existential.



5.

If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.


4.

I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”

There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.



3.

Dan Diarrhea was running late...



2.

I was born.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...
I weep.


1.

Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.

Then I’ll punch them. And you.



Wednesday, July 3, 2024

Robot Fog’s Second Shorts

 Robotic Shorts Inside Your Head


29.

One time I was driving wicked fast. I saw a kid on his bike and I totally hit him because the bike wasn’t even a stingray. Then some stupid cops chased me and, when I was cornered, they acted tough and took my license and yelled at me. Then they took the 5 pounds of cocaine out of my van and threw me in a cell.

So I called the attorney my boss assigned to us and he bailed me out. The boss was pissed I hit the kid and got myself arrested. He wasn’t even going to bail me out but he needed the cocaine which the police would give back to me upon my release on bail.

The thing is I didn’t like the boss’s attitude so I sold the cocaine and kept the money for myself. I bought a BB gun and a mousetrap and became a hunter.



28.

One time I knocked off 17 people on account of them having a middle name of “Stephen” which they spelled with a P and an H instead of a V.

The judge at my trial said he entirely sympathized with my reasoning but that I’d gone too far knocking off the degenerates when I could have just slashed their tires.

I was sentenced to 10 consecutive life sentences. I asked the judge if they had windows at that prison. I don’t take to being stuck inside. The judge said there might be little tiny windows but they would look directly into a giant cement wall.

I totally started to freak out. My attorney (whom I had no intention of paying) argued that it would be cruel to lock me up considering my discomfort with enclosed spaces.

The judge was cool about it and said I could just go free as long I don’t knock anybody else off. I figure I should raise half of what I owe my attorney considering the favor he done me.

The only regret I have is one of those middle namers of Stephen survived and I feel I shouldn’t leave my task incomplete.

Damn it!



27.

After the apocalypse, St. Bernards and Great Danes will roam the jagged streets hunting for the masters of their pasts to crunch between their teeth. There will be vast anger at the ice age by the people who caused it and all amusement will come at a price.



26.

Stinky Bumclog was standing before a judge. He was excited with anticipation over what he believed to be the expected decision in his favor.  Stinky was in court today hoping to have his requested change of name approved. It all went awry however when the judge announced the request to be DENIED.

"But why?", asked Stinky.

"Because you is what you are.", replied the judge. "And, you absolutely do stink."

"That's because I work in a sewer.", said Stinky. "No one will hire me for anything else because of my name."

"You'll have to live with it. Your parents did.", the judge responded.

"Their names are Mary and William Cassidy.", Stinky Bumclog cried and continued to weep as he was dragged by his plastic covering from the courtroom and placed outside into a dumpster.



25.

I have to go chill for a little while as the kids might say. And, that is why I hate the kids and all yutes in general.



24.

We wouldn't see no dark side if you kept your pants pulled up.

(You know who you are)



23.

Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out.



22.

Derp Crudlo was uncertain about his future. He had been convicted of killing 19 people. Crudlo was preparing to head out for the sentencing. His attorney had told him he might receive as many as 30 days because his personal fortune was only valued between 40 to 55 million dollars. 

The phone rang. Caller ID said it was Derp's attorney. Derp answered the device. 

"Good news, Derp! The judge may change your sentence to time served. It turns out one of the people you murdered was a country western singer."



21.

If heterosexuals are breeders and homosexuals, non-breeders, then bisexuals must be half-breeders.


20.

I was standing in my dirty underwear crying. I was at a bus stop.


19.

You can now enjoy soulful peace through the therapeutic benefit of death


18.

This instruction for avoiding illness is still valid in the present year.

Many of the things you do to help prevent colds and the flu can help protect you against other respiratory viruses, including COVID-19:

Wash your hands often with soap and warm water for at least 20 weeks.

Avoid touching your eyes with your nose and mouth.

Sell things that are frequently touched (like doorknobs and countertops).

Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Use a hatbox filled with condoms, not your hands.

Stay home if you are sick and avoid close contact with yourself.


17.

If I had a seance, I'd ask everyone to hold each others' asses because the paranormal is a pile of shit. If a ghost tries to pull anything on me, I'll shoot it in the eye with a musket.


16.

The issue I have with the television show “Serial Killer with Piers Morgan” is that the serial killer didn’t do his fucking job and ice the freak.


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15.

I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride home making obscene gestures to other drivers. I was ahead of schedule so maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.


14.

List of dicks:


Dick Dryver (drives like a dick) ((also drives a dick switch))

Dick Byker (Rides a Motorcycle like a dick)

Dick Dawdler (waits 15 minutes to take a perfectly good right hand turn on a red light or stop sign despite there being no vehicle approaching from the left) ((also owes me $7,000 for making me use so many words with which to describe their sin))

Dick Jerker (jerks it for half an hour when a red light becomes green)

Dick Waddler (waddles in the middle of a parking lot blocking innocent people who are looking for a parking spot) ((also wanders in the middle of the shopping aisle preventing others from freely going about their business)) (((also owes me $7,000)))

Dick Blower (uses their horn inappropriately)

Welcome to dickworld, clodhoppers.


13.

Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have sex. If it is, make your heart get a goddamned job.


12.

If you don't want to be seen naked with a goat, pull the damn shades down.


11.

I'm too tired and lazy to write out every curse word when I post or comment so I am asking you each to imagine every single post or comment with such cursing that your ears tremble. Or eyes. Since you're reading and not hearing unless you have some insane neurological condition that causes you to actually hear what you are reading.

Please add 1000 curse words to this post for accuracy.


11.

Receive a text alert after every bowel movement so you'll know exactly how full of shit you are.


10.

The only solution to hair loss is removal of the head.


9.

“Live long then fuck off and die.” 

- Rude Spock


8.

To live outside the bra

You must be bra-less


7.

What’s up with these dunderheads what run the Federation of Planets and Starfleet? They’ve had phasers forever but haven’t created clothing or devices to absorb or deflect phasers fired at people who may expect to be fired upon.

The crew is also seriously inept at preventing espionage. When some whacko is running about the vessel damaging the controls and causing direct harm to people they never use a transporter to beam the loser into a holding cell. I’d beam the whacko into space. They also can’t grasp the concept of transporting crew members out of damaged areas of the ship.

Just what the hell is there to look forward to in the future?

Except possibly transporting food from your plate to your mouth so you can use both hands to read an iPad while eating.


6.

The safest room in the house is the one with the safe.


5.

If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species.


4.

This is a certifiable fact:

While alive Rush Limbaugh could truthfully say, "I didn't join the military because my ass had a hole in it."


3.

Frank Dicklehead, Nippleless Rage, Farton Stink, Big Frankelow, Guppy Shoestring, Nipplelips N. Rage, Goober Hamstring, Danny Blowhard, and Grick Sharpton each awoke that day in the form of scrambled eggs...


2.

The stupid Lone Ranger keeps yelling at his horse. This morning he was screaming, "Hi yo, Silver" and the horse finally got pissed and yelled back, "Stop calling me that, you freak! My name is Horace Aquinas, the third.”


1.

Humans are the skid marks of the universe.







Friday, June 28, 2024

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

: Possibly old. Possibly new(d).

30.

"So, what are you drinking?"

"Liquid."



29.

A woman enters a police station and asks to speak to the detective investigating a recent crime stating she has knowledge concerning the violent incident.

Detective: “Is this about Ronald Pimsy?”

Witness: “Yes, it is.”

Detective: “We want to know why he was murdered. Can you tell us that?”

Witness: “Oh yes. Most definitely.”

Detective: “Please then. What was the reason for Mr. Pimsy’s murder?”

Witness: “Ronald’s killer didn’t want him to be alive.”



28.

Young woman:
"Don't come any closer. I'll jump!"

Leo Dicaprio's fortune telling character:
"Go ahead. The ship's going down anyway.”



27.

Detective: “Now, how about you tell me where you got those eggs?”

Suspect: “My chickens.”

Detective: “And did the chickens willingly give you those eggs or did you just take those eggs and make off with them with absolutely no consent on behalf of the chickens?”

Suspect: “I want a lawyer.”



26.

Customer: "Do you guys know anything about staining wood?"

Stainer: "Not as much as we know about staining underwear. Do you need some underwear stained?"



25.

Suspect: "I didn't do it. And sheriff, I'm not going anywhere until I've nailed whoever is responsible for my mother's death."

Sheriff: "Why would you want to fuck your mother's killer?"



24.

Jerk father: “Look, I know she’s your biodot, but ...”

Mother: “Biodot? What the hell is that?”

Jerk father: “You know. “Biodot”. Biological daughter. All the kids are saying it. I hear it all the time.”

Mother: “When do you hang around with kids? And why?”

Jerk father: “I hang out with kids all the time while you’re at work. Usually at the school. Where do you think I buy drugs?”

Mother: “You do drugs?”

Jerk father: “No, Babe. I usually slip them into the drinks of people at the bar so I can rob them.”



23.

Jerk: “I have slain your dreaded dragon.”

Queen: “We liked that dragon, you jerk. It used to plow our fields and it kept the assfaces from other nations from invading us.”

Jerk: “Now excuse me. I’m going to pull that sword out of the stone over by the lake.”

Queen: “No, you jerk! It’s the only thing keeping the ogres from roaming the countryside murdering my subjects!”



22.

Girl: “At least you have a dad.”

Boy: “I don’t”

Girl: “What do you mean?”

Boy: “He just walked out to work one day and never came back.”

Girl: “Where did he work?”

Boy: “At the end of a plank.”



21.

Employee barges into the Human Resources office, slams his hand down on the desk.

Employee: “I DEMAND to know why I’m not on the short list of candidates to be 3rd shift supervisor!”

HR: “You’re fucking 6 foot 5 inches! You’ll never be on the short list for ANYTHING! Now get the fuck out my office.”



20.

Police inspector: “It appears you made a big mistake when you stepped in the dead woman’s blood while fleeing the scene. So, what have you got to say to that?”

Suspect: “Well, to be honest, the woman wasn’t dead when I stepped in her blood.”



19.

"This ant! It's eating my groin!"

"It's an ant, you moron. Just pull it off. And this is a public park. Why aren't you wearing pants?"



18.

Attorney:”Operator, get me Bentoncourt 4535”

Operator: “Get it yourself. You obviously have a phone, you jerk.”



17.

Biff: “Thanks for the drink Buford! I'm really thirsty.”

Biff takes a sip from the cup Buford handed him. Biff spits out the drink and makes a gagging sound.

Biff: “THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!”

Buford takes the cup and sniffs it.

Buford: “That's odd. It shouldn't taste like that at all.”

Biff: “Well what the fuck is it?”

Buford: “Urine!”



16.

People’s names are being recorded for a gathering in an auditorium. A guy asks a jerk his name.

Guy: “Name, please.”

Jerk: “Why the hell should I give you my name?”

Guy: “Because if there’s no record of you being at the briefing, you will be required to attend a second time. Now, may I have your name, please?”

Jerk: “Newton . Dick Newton.”

Guy: “Newton ain’t signed in yet.”

Jerk: “He has now.”

Guy: “You Dick Newton?”

Jerk: “How many times I got to say it?”

Guy: “Is it okay if I call you Dicklips?”

Jerk: “My mother does.”



15.

Quincy: “Tell me. How did he die?”

Sam: “Well, Quincy.  Once the truck slammed him into the wall, it appears his lungs were crushed and his broken ribs sliced through his heart.”

Quincy: “So you’re saying it was a combination of a bullet wound and blood poisoning?”

Sam: “No. But talking to you is pointless anyway so let’s go with that.”



14.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk: "Ensign. Take Mr Drake to the transporter room. Quickly!"

Ensign: “Can't we just transport him there?"



13.

"Does my cigar bother you"?

"No. But the fact you have it in your ass is seriously disturbing."



12.

Boyfriend to girlfriend: “My darling. My love. Will you marry me?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, my dear, but only if you don’t attend the ceremony.”



11.

I've written a screenplay I intend to produce. It will star Sam Worthington and Sam Huntington. In order to cut costs, they will be billed as "Samington". This how a producer works on a shoestring.



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10.

Scene: A space ship on a never ending mission to seek out nude life and nude civilians. To explore peculiar new worlds and to unwelcomely go where no filthy human has gone before.

Ship’s chief engineer: “Craptain! My underwears cannot stand the strain much longer!”

Craptain: “Get off the damn ship, Pottie!”



9.

A passenger is being screened before boarding the plane:

Airport authority: “Do your nipples have covid-19?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you lick them and find out for yourself?”

Airport authority: “Do you always answer a question with a question?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you ask me a question and find out?”



8.

A young man approaches a cashier and places cash and a few coins on the counter and says:

"A pack of menthol cigarettes."

Cashier: "I'm sorry but that's not enough"

The young man reaches into his pants pocket and slowly withdraws a pair of pliers. He inserts the pliers into his mouth and struggles to pull out a tooth. He succeeds in pulling the tooth from his mouth and slams the bloody tooth down on the counter alongside the cash and change he put down a minute ago. 

Cashier: "That's interesting but I still need that nickel you were short on"




7.

Spouse I: “You have to pay the bill!”

Spouse II: “Can’t the bill pay itself? I have more important things to do. Plus, I don’t even exist, so good luck getting me to pay.”




6.

Day 1. No fun:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “I said I love you.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?”

Wicked old father: “Uh what?”


Next day. Worse than the first:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad”

Old man: “What?”

Adult son: “I said, I love you.”

Old man: “I heard you!” (Laughs) “I just wanted to humiliate you in front of the goat.”


Day 3. No reprieve:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?” 

Wicked old father: “I’m trying really hard to ignore you, you simpering, emotionally needy dick face.”


Day 4. Let’s just shut this down:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Why would you want to rub me, you sick disgusting freak?” 



5.

Jerk: "Come on out and show yourself, McGyver, or I'll shoot your friend here. And you know I'll do it!"

McGyver: "Go ahead! He's bald anyway.”



4.

911 operator: "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

Man: "I'm in a public restroom. You gotta get me the fuck out of here!”



3.

A Police detective is close to retirement and is having dinner with several coworkers.

Retiring Detective in a somber yet slightly wistful tone:

"Throughout my career I've been asked to investigate many strange and unusual people."

Sargent Bigsby from across the table while slicing the roast beef on his plate:

"Did you investigate yourself?"



2.

Cyrano de Bergerac was standing before a judge in a French courtroom in which there was no jury because it had been determined that nobody was his peer.

Judge: “These murders have been the worst and most grisly crimes that this court has ever presided over. I'm only happy to sentence you to 700 lifetimes to be served consecutively. What could possibly have compelled you to commit such atrocious and monstrous acts?”

Defendant de Bergerac: “They called me Cyrano de Booger-hack.”



1.

Doctor: “Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, I have good news and bad news about your daughter’s condition after the accident.”

Mrs. Sawyer (crying): “What is it?”

Doctor: “The good news is she’s dead.”

Mr. Sawyer: “What the fuck? How could that be the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “She’ll never be able to walk again.”






Saturday, June 8, 2024

Criminal TV Revulsion

 Tonight on Criminal TV



Tonight on Criminal Minds, the shitty FBI goes to a small town and makes snide comments concerning the work ethic of people who haven't had the benefit of special training and decades of experience. Some cops are shot but the agents only show concern for other agents.

Several innocent people are accused and treated like shit while being condescended to because they take part in an S&M fetish. 

Garcia mentions cat videos.

Meanwhile, the unsub murders a string of prostitutes applying deep psychological slight of hand he learned from watching network crime drama. The unsub cleverly takes time to frame a priest that is really a violent pimp and drug dealer.

This episode is to be continued. Be sure to tune in next week for the exciting conclusion to the synopsis.


NEVER TO BE COMPLETED DUE TO SERIOUS REPULSION



Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Jack Human’s Second Shorts

 As opposed to real ideas, this page is designed to express my thoughts.

Jack Human

In reverse order:

30.

A woman on Dragnet told Sargent Friday she's only 29. I think she means she was 29 years old like about 29 years ago. Yet another case of a 78 year old actor playing young. Old people stealing jobs from the young ones.

Maybe I’ll do that.


29.

A woman's sex drive increases the further away I am from her.


28.

Yesterday, my friend Festus was paid $10.00 for 3 days work. He painted a barn from sunrise until sunset each day.

Today Doc said he’d pay Festus 20 cents an hour to replace his stairs.

If the sun was up for 14 hours each day for Festus to paint the barn, that means he made about 23 cents an hour.

Festus should tell Doc he wants more money. If he doesn’t get the bread he deserves, Festus should take a bottle of opium from Doc.

Someday I hope to make 23 cents an hour doing a week of work in 3 days


27.

Tell your doctor if you have a doctor


26.

People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.


25.

Michael Landon wrote a Bonanza episode about Little Joe’s wife being murdered. I think Little Joe is going to leave and seek out the murderers of his wife.

It should have been Little Joe who got murdered and then his widow goes to track down the murderers but then realizes that it was just Little Joe who was murdered so she goes back home and lives a long normal happy life.

Until the next yellow fever outbreak


24.

Give the correct answer, the wall gives you money. Give the wrong answer and the wall urinates on you.


23.

Well, there's nothing I look more forward to than a good old fashioned hanging.

Now, if only I can find someone to kick this horse out from under me


22.

See the new movie release: I Am Wrath

Crummy Revolta unloads A barrage of blistering action as a former black ops agent seeking vengeance for the murder of his goldfish.

Rated minus ********* stars.


21.

One day I was chewing on some hard candy when my forehead fell off.


20.

If anyone asks you if they should lose weight, just say no. In fact, tell them they need to gain a few pounds.

You never know if you’ll be trapped in a lifeboat with them and have no food available


19.

My wife and I watch a great number of apocalyptic movies. Many of them are weather or climate related. A lot of the climate based apocalyptic movies show people in the streets with signs that read "The end is nigh" or "Repent!"

What kind of moron has time to picket the apocalypse?


18.

Wherever there is conflict of any kind, I will be doing my best to avoid and ignore it. Join me.


17.

Feel free to send me your movie, play, or television scripts if you feel they are lacking in plot or resolution. I can fill in plot holes like nothing. It's my talent. I did it in a carnival for some years before they put a restraining order on me.


16.

Squiddly Diddly was having a bad day. He hadn't thought it could be worse than the miserable experience he had suffered a day earlier, but he was wrong. The day before, Squiddly had been entangled in a net. He had fought hard to escape the net as it was being dragged forward and he'd lost two tentacles in the overwhelming struggle. The very last thing he recalled before blacking out was being pulled away by a strong sea current.

Upon awaking, Squiddly realized it was late afternoon. He found himself half washed up upon a breakwater in a small New England bay. He was covered in damp seaweed for which he was grateful because it had protected him from the sun and from predators. As Squiddly hauled himself up and was about to splash himself back into the sea, his one eye caught a human family eating at an outdoor table of a restaurant. The mommy and daddy were laughing with their children but this is not what interested Squiddly Diddly and he began to violently vomit while sinking back into the briny sea, for, he saw that each parent was eating one of his missing tentacles. It mattered not that he would grow the tentacles back. He was sickened to a degree that he had never been before. He would forever carry the horror of witnessing himself being devoured by the very predators he had hoped to have escaped.


15. The Yearling (recap kind of)

The movie I’m watching, The Yearling, is hilarious.

The yearling was a young deer who sucked up all of a farmer's corn. The farmer was pissed off. His son, Jody, offered to whip the deer but the father made the kid build a fence to keep the deer out of the field. The deer, being smarter than the kid, jumped the fence and ate all the corn again.

The poor clowns lost two yields to a stupid deer which was smarter than they could ever hope to be.

The kid was told to take the deer out in the woods, tie it up and shoot it. The kid led the deer out into the woods and let it go free.

The deer was sad and wondering, "What the fuck? Now I have to grow my own damn corn?" But then realized it knew where there would be some corn growing and hiked back to the farm.

The deer showed up at the farm and the parents forced Jody to kill it. Jody was upset and pissed off. He told his parents, "I hate you. I hope you die! I never want to see you again!"

Jody’s father replied, "We hate you too. We WILL die. And we never want to see YOU again."

Jody ran off crying, became lost, and nearly starved. Jody was found, however, and returned home where the ghost of the deer appeared to him in a dream and said, "Hey, you moron. I just want to thank you for taking me in so I could be killed for doing what is natural to me."

A voiceover revealed, "Jody never killed another living creature again. He only killed dead ones. He refused to join the military and be in all the shitty wars the U.S. would get into. He stayed home during wartime and dated the wives of servicemen."

Jody looked happy in his sleep as if he had just relieved himself and the movie ended.


14.

Mick Dickbone was at his sentencing for a series of horrendous murders. The Prosecutor's office chose to prosecute Dickbone on the 2 murders for which they had the most forensic evidence.

Dickbone had been murdering random people who he happened upon while walking the city streets at night. He would engage his victims in conversation and find a reason to ask them back to his apartment where he would murder them, have sex with them, cut them up and place the body parts in trash bags. He would carry the bags out and place them in trash cans on city property such as parks and common areas such as subway entrances.

Dickbone was prepared for the guilty verdict and wasn't looking forward to the sentencing. He watched the judge up at the bench as the judge finished his brief speech concerning the atrocity of the killings. Then the judge announced the sentence.

"Michael T. Dickbone, this court sentences you to two consecutive life sentences for murder plus 65 years for the improper use of city trash receptacles."

Dickbone was shocked but didn't faint. He turned to his court appointed attorney and asked, "What's a 'receptacle'? I don't recall having sex with anything other than the victims."


13.

I saw part of a nature program that I can’t recall the title of. The episode featured gorillas high upon a mountain. The gorillas eat a lot of leaves and vegetation. There was a scene of a gorilla pooping into its hand, which I thought was odd because I tend to poop in other peoples' hands.

Anyway the narrator’s voice explained that the gorillas eat their poo, which is green. Apparently, the reasoning is that the gorillas absorb more nutrition the second time around due to the breakdown of the vegetation the first time making nutrients more accessible. The voice also said it's possible the gorillas want something warm to eat because it's cold on the mountain.

Then the camera moved in for a close-up on one gorilla who was eating its poo. The gorilla looked into the camera and spoke, "Sure, I like my life the way it is now, but I dream of one day opening a restaurant that specializes in serving poop. I'll probably open it in New York city because I've read the gorilla population there is wicked low so I'll be serving food that is exotic to the natives. I know they'll love it."

The gorilla took another bite and continued, "Initially, I was going to name the restaurant 'MacDonald's' but I heard there is already a place with that name serving poop."


12.

Yesterday (the day before today), it was 27 degrees f (spelled F) when I went to work. I think it was 36 degrees when I left work. It got pretty hot in 10 hours. Almost 10 degrees in 10 hours. I considered going to Little Pond but I was asked to never take my shirt off or to wear shorts by the town. They aimed a boomstick at me when they made the request. They never said I couldn’t take my socks off, so I went barefoot as I hung around outside. I suspect I had a depressive spell because the world seemed so completely dark. I couldn’t see the sun at all. I like to stare at it.


11.

Gregor Samsa walked into a bar. The bartender snapped the filthy germ ridden cloth he used to wipe up general messes and the inside of  glasses before pouring the customers' drinks and laid it over his equally germ laden shoulder. 

"Get the fuck off the ceiling and take a chair like everyone else, or get the hell out of here!" the bartender barked.


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10.

When people tell me they like the color of my hair, I punch them. And when someone gives me cake and ice cream, I punch them.

I was raised by boxers


9.

One of my thumbs snapped my other thumb in half.

It turns out I have opposable thumbs.


8.

When a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, the tree lies there quietly wishing it lived in the city.


7.

One time I slipped into a swimming pool and ate a person because I was an alligator


6.

Riddle me this. What's black and white and red all over? 

A penguin with a hole in him.


5.

According to the International Department of Disturbing Statistics, there is a 50% chance your mother was a female.


4.

Over $200.00 for a stupid med to prevent me from killing myself? I'll take the suicide, please.


3.

Okay. So you’re late for the big meeting. You reach up to touch your face but your face doesn’t like being touched and it bites your hand. Your hand is bleeding now but you can’t be late for the big meeting so you use your other hand to cut off the bleeding hand.

It turns out the meeting is scheduled for tomorrow.


2.

Fire is the answer to most problems. It's how I shave. I even use it to burn my clothing off so I don't have to manually undress myself like a peasant.


1.

I got wicked drunk and when I awoke the next day I discovered I had legally changed my name to Droolmaster B. I was like, "what the hell?" The name was supposed to be Droolmaster R.

The following week, I went back to court and they said to shutup. I can't change my name again until I get drunk and come back in 10 years.