Disgustions from Jack Human the Third
23.
Inspector Henderson: "Things got pretty bad for you back in 1984. You lost your job, and your wife."
Suspect: "First, what the hell do you mean by “things”? Second, I lost my wife at my job. Along with a tuna salad I had been looking forward to eating. Can't you cops get anything straight?"
22.
"Frustrated women (I mean they're frustrated)
Have to be in by twelve o'clock (oh, that's a shame)
But I'm wishin' and a hopin', oh
That just once those doors weren't locked"
- The Standells
"Me too"
- The Boston Strangler.
21.
A jerk gives his child a gift. A stuffed animal. Not a real animal. Just a make believe one.
Daughter: "Thank you Daddy! Can I call him Wilbur?"
Daddy: "Sure, Honey! As long as you don't call him Wilbur."
20.
Doctor: “He’s your father.”
Patient: “But we have nothing in common!”
Doctor: “Yes, you do. Your mother. You and your father both loved her.”
Patient: “But he never had sex with her.”
19.
"I'm going to run the DNA through CODIS."
"Why don't you run the DNA through your face!"
"I don't like you. In fact, everyone in the crime lab hates you."
18.
Parent: “If you have to have sex, have sex with a condom.”
Teenager: “What if I’m not attracted to condoms, you sick disgusting pig?”
19.
Surgeon to patient: "It's okay. Things were hairy for a while there but you're going to be okay."
Patient: "MY LEG!"
Surgeon: Yes. I'm afraid it was severed but we reattached it and it will heal just fine."
Patient: "You attached it to my shoulder, you moron!"
Surgeon: “There’s no need to be rude. I’m not going to accept your insurance.”
18.
Reporter jerk: "why do you keep ripping off so many people?"
Business jerk: "well, they're not going to rip themselves off, are they?"
(Laughs)
(Beat)
Business jerk: (getting serious) "seriously though, if these chumps had more money, I could cut back and maybe even take a vacation. The economy sucks"
19.
Police Inspector: “Where were you when Mr. Hurd was being murdered?”
Suspect: “I was standing in front of him cutting his throat with this knife. What does that prove?”
18.
God : "who told thee thou is naked?"
Adam: "I can see it in this selfie I took, you dick! If we're in your image, why don't we have robes? What are you, a perv?"
17.
Mother: “This whole love affair is in your mind.”
Dana: “You’re wrong. I don’t have a mind.”
Aunt: “Dana, you and Ryan can be together just the way you always wanted to be.”
Dana: “In a pickle jar?”
16.
911: “Please state the nature of the emergency.”
Man: “I found what looks like a human skull.”
911: “Where did you find this object?”
Man: “Inside of a human head.”
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15.
Patient: "Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my side."
Doctor: "What does it feel like?"
The patient pulls a knife out of the side of his body and jams it into the doctor's left side, waits a beat then twists the knife once and lets go of it.
Doctor ( clutching his side and grimacing ): "You could have used words. I understand English, you dick!"
14.
A doctor and an intern are walking down a hallway in the surgical wing of a hospital. The intern is feeling deeply disturbed. It was the intern’s third surgical procedure and the young intern cut a patient open to look at his heart. It turned out the heart wasn’t why the patient needed surgery. The intern hadn’t thought he should cut the patient open but another seriously dickish intern goaded him into it.
Doctor: "It was a mistake. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, I once removed the wrong testicle."
Intern: "Was it your own?"
13.
Lieutenant Columbo is speaking with a suspect.
Kennicutt: “Listen lieutenant, my marriage to my wife might have seemed strange to an awful lot of people. My wife was young enough to be my daughter but we loved each other completely. We even considered having a child together. A child named Bix Billingsly.
Now, does that answer your question?”
Columbo: “Possibly. I’m not recalling asking that question, though.”
12.
"I’m afraid you have 10 years to live. You're going to have to quit your job"
"Seriously?"
"Yes. You are going to have to spend all your time whacking it to this one playboy magazine from 1974. I'm sorry. It's all we can do for you. Anything you'd like to say?"
"Yes. I need a new pornologist.”
11.
"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."
"Live children.”
10.
Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”
Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”
Judge: “what is it?”
Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”
Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”
Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”
9.
"Pooh?", said Piglet.
"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.
"I want to kill you."
8.
Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"
Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."
Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"
Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"
7.
Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24hours."
Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”
6.
A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.
Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”
Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”
5.
30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”
God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”
4.
Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"
Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"
3.
Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."
Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"
Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"
2.
In the apocalypse...
Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”
Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”
Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”
1.
Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"
Joey: "I want you dead!"
Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.
---------------------------------
Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"
---------------------------------
Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"
Cindy: "Your corpse!"
Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.
Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."
---------------------------------
Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"
