Jack Humans 4th Shorts

 Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.   

21.

In response to covid 19, Jump Cut Productions is reaching out to all of you. We considered giving $700,000 to hospitals and charities, however we came to understand that our company is in the red. Therefore, we are requesting that our loyal customers rent and purchase as many of our productions as possible.

We care.

Thank you for enabling our giving.

Stay safe.

Wear a mask, a helmet, and 15 pairs of pants.

P.S.

There’s a spider on your neck.

20.

Okay. My new Jump Cut production is underway. It’s a story about a dog that is a disgrace to all dogs and lives in shame. The dog is standing around a swamp and senses an alligator nearby. The dog, whose name is Corn, walks into some tall grass and hides in silence while its human roommate calls for it. The human walks down to the swamp calling “Corn! Corn!”, at which point  a giant alligator the size of Nebraska jumps up out of the swamp and munches on the human.

The gator goes back into the water and Corn dog quietly barks so the gator can’t hear and yet it appears to anyone who happens upon the scene that Corn dog tried to save the human who used to feed him crappy leftovers.

Since I’m bored, I’ll finish this up fast. Yet, not fast enough for you to be grateful.

The community catches onto Corn dog’s cowardly behavior and shuns the miserable brute. He spends the rest of the movie trying to redeem his reputation and regain the favor he once enjoyed effortlessly. Owls avoid him and cats spit on him. Eventually, Corn dog is reduced to eating junk dropped near dumpsters. Despite several jobs, he is continually fired. Eventually, he is debased enough to seek the attention of people in their twenties who also lack self respect.

The sheriff finds Corn dog’s lifeless body. The dog’s not dead. Just emotionally empty and filled with shame. The sheriff buries Corn dog

Credits roll.

19.

One time I raced a guy for ownership of our vehicles and I beat him so he was supposed to give me the papers to his car. I did win the stupid race. 

But the guy drove off after losing. 

So I drove around for a while and finally saw him standing by his car. I drove by and shot him. I mean, the guy OWED ME A CAR. The very car he was standing next to when I shot him. 

So I shoot the guy and drive off thinking, "what a jerk. He's dead and he could have been alive."

I went home and was eating a banana because that is all i saw lying around when the police show up and were like, "Did you kill that guy?"

So I said yes. I killed him. I explained about how the guy drove off without giving me the damn papers after the race. I asked, "What the hell was I supposed to do?"

This one cop said, "Well, you could have stopped, gotten out of your car and taken his papers from him. Then you'd have a car and you wouldn't be going to prison."

I considered whipping the banana peel in his smart cop face but the other 15 cops had knocked me down and were handcuffing me AS IF I WAS THE BAD GUY!

18.

Detectives asked Ed Rasby to take a polygraph test. He agreed. The results showed Ed Rasby had taken a polygraph test.

17.

Today marks 4 weeks without sugar for me. No meat, dairy, flour, or pasta. I feel great. I haven’t had any nicotine. I haven’t had any alcohol either and I haven’t felt the need for it. The best thing is that my joints are no longer sore and I’m never short of breath. In fact, I’ve had no issues since my burial.

16.

How often do you masturbate?

Is the first question I ask my patients who find it disturbing because I'm a child psychiatrist. My patients are thrown off at being asked the question by a 10 year old.

My response to their consternation is simply, "Idiot, do you think child psychiatry is a motherfucking game!"

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15.

Your account password has changed which is apparently something you should do with your underwear on occasion.

14.

Dear hostages,

A few days ago I was driving my car up the street because I keep getting yelled at when I drive it over peoples’ feet. On the opposite side of the street heading toward me was some old guy on a scooter. Scooter man had a cig hanging out of his mouth and no helmet. The lack of a helmet confused me because I thought all people on a motorized device had to wear helmets. Not that I care.

So this old guy on a scooter with no helmet and a cig hanging from his lips was passing by me. I knocked the cig out of his mouth with my hand and yelled, “This ain’t France!”

I figured I could go back to driving half on the sidewalk since there’re no rules anymore.

13.

I remember 100 years ago when the Covid-19 pandemic started and we had to wear masks. When the vaccination came out, I decided to continue wearing masks even though they aren’t necessary anymore. What happened was that 6 months after wearing masks, I realized I didn’t have to brush my teeth anymore and I have no intention of ever brushing my teeth again. Two days ago, I was outside alone so I removed my mask. A bird that I was watching fell dead from a tree and a squirrel in the same tree started screaming and trying to eat it’s own face but, I’ve saved dozens of dollars on toothpaste and crappy Listerine. Life is good.

12.

I was on the highway earlier today when it occurred to me I had forgotten my car. I got off at the next exit and went home to retrieve it.

11.

I’ve a skull and nothing with which to fill it.

10.

I am really really good at Karate. I learned it when I was 4 years old and practiced daily every day since then. I've had some really good teachers and won a few contests. the FBI hired me to kill CIA agents and Mexican drug lords hired me to defend them from the Colombians. Sure, I'm not perfect. I lost a few fights, but I am good at martial arts, specializing in Karate.

I tell you all this because work has been sporadic lately. I work as a refurbisher of used baby diapers as a profession but the industry has gone to hell since the advent of disposables.

Anyway, I finally found a part time job at a massage parlor. However, I hadn't time to train myself in massaging so I fell back upon karate and broke the spine of my first client. I was shocked. I knew I wouldn't be receiving a tip and I might get reprimanded. I fought my out through the lobby breaking Suzy, the receptionist's, arm and ran away.

The problem is that I still need to find a job. Anyway, I read about an opening in the maternity ward at the hospital. I'll let you know how it works out.

9.

I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.

I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.

Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?

I totally hate newspapers.

8.

I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.

7.

I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.

6.

As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.

This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.

This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”

Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential 

If not existential.

5.

If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.

4.

I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”

There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.

3.

Dan Diarrhea was running late...

2.

I was born.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...

I weep.

1.

Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.

Then I’ll punch them. And you.

Memories of Jack Human

Memories of Jack Human

1.     Corn Friend

I was hanging out with my friend Corn Cobb. We were discussing my bro, Corn Pop. Corn Pop borrowed 3 bucks from me for some M&Ms but really used the bread for some twizzlers. I felt betrayed. 

Corn Cobb thought I should contact our mutual buddy, Corn Bread, who had an associate named Corn Muffin. It was at this time I told Corn Cobb that I felt I should just refer to he and his friends as “the corns”, however, Corn Cobb responded that he would be required by Corn law to pop my head off if I did so.

So Cobb called Bread who thought to contact Corn Stalk, Kernel Corn, Candy Corn and Corn Ear. Things might have gone well, however, none of us had considered an actual plan of action. Initially, we thought we should ask for the 3 dollars back, but then Kernel Corn insisted we take the twizzlers. I explained I don’t like twizzlers and Kernel said they would all happily trade me some Corn Whiskey for the twizzlers. This seemed reasonable to me so I agreed.

Candy Corn suggested we call her old friend Corn Syrup because Corn Syrup really liked twizzlers.

So we all went out front and waited for Corn Pop to arrive. We figured everything was going to be cool when Corn Pop appeared with his wife, Corn Meal, and their children, the Corn Flakes.

Corn Cobb asked Corn Pop for the twizzlers and Corn Pop replied, “fuck off, you cornfucker, this is between me and Corn E.” (Me). 

I said, “Pop it easy, Corn, Cobb is just trying to help. He’s got your cash. And soon I’m going to be hitting the bottle.”

Corn Pop said to Corn Cobb, “Sorry, Cobb. It’s been a tough day.”

So we made the exchange.

A memory by Jack Human

2.    Corn Sale

So I called my friend, Corn Beef. He said a guy named Ice Corn had a ride for sail. I said, “you mean, for SALE, Bro?” And he said no and why don’t I just shut the hell up and listen? Ice Corn was willing to trade his car for a real sail. He had a sail boat but he didn’t know the sail was supposed to be attached and it blew away.

I didn’t need no car but this chump, Corn Cube, did. Cube was a chump because whenever he wanted to take public transportation, he would pay for tokens instead of just scooting under the back of some stupid tourist’s wicked long rain coat and sneaking onto the train.

I brought Corn Beef over to meet with Corn Cube but Cube didn’t have no sail, though. He attempted to pass off a sheet as a sail but we all knew the difference because the sheet was a cheap 300 thread one and any fool knows sails are at least 800 threads.

Beef looked at me and said, “Hey, Corn E! You think Vanilla Corn will have a sail?” I said I don’t think so. Vanilla Corn didn’t like being on the water. All his vacations were in the dessert which explained his severe Hyperglycemia and general lack of funds due to daily vacations.

Corn Beef said I was useless as usual and that he was going to put an ad on Craig’s list. I suggested he be careful because I used the Internet once and someone tried to stalk me.

A memory by Jack Human

3.     Dollars for Dollars

I asked someone at work today (today is the day before tomorrow) if the vending machines take ten dollar bills. He said yes. That surprised me. I thought vending machines only accepted quarters.

I didn’t have ten $1.00 bills so I tried one $10.00 bill. I expected the machine to hurl it back in my face but it swallowed the bill despite the bill being defaced by the number 10.

I purchased a gluten free item. Later I discovered the item not only entirely lacked gluten but wasn’t even free. Anyway, the machine threw 8 coins at me. I yelled at the guy who told me to expect the machine to take ten dollars for lying about it and I whipped the coins at him.

Then I realized that tomorrow is the day after today.

A memory by Jack Human

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie     <---  mutilated French

Elegy for Corn

Corn Pop was a friend of mine

We shared some fermented turpentine 

But before that, he was agonna kill me

my chain, it convinced him to befriend me

Oh Corn Pop

Oh Corn Pop

A thug who knifed many a lad

But he never knifed me

He was the best friend I ever had

The horse's shoes seek the shifting surface of the desert sands. In clouds of dry dust we ride.

Wingless Flicker

The albino snake fetus was shaking. His head, like his words, was jerking. A tenuous void sprouted from his mouth and ignited the fecal fumes discarded by his toilience. 

It could not rain. The sun began to flicker. Dolphins rotted.

Hope vomited but vowed to make a return.

Bedtime

Got to go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors that aren’t red.

Stay There

everybody goes to hell

we're all going to hell

pack your bible and pack your beer

we're hightailin' it to hell 

and the devil will be there

Some people got no choice

others always have known

when we hit the flames, 

we’re all on our own

Say Goodbye

The year will never end.

Like every year previous,

it will linger upon our existence.

Following each of us.

Stalking us. Ensuring we break.

Harvesting our energies.

Harvesting what remains of our souls.

Eventually, each and every year

Will continue beyond us

Not recognizing we ever inhaled,

Exhaled, digested, or cried

Until we are no more

And the years still will never end

So, happy new year!

Moon Itch

I'm climbing upon the underside of the moon.

All spidery legs and itchy too.

I am a circus without a tent,

a gambler without a working pair of dice.

Whosoever itches themselves itches me too.

Phone Betrayal

I await a phone call.

The sky outside is gray.

I hear autos pass by on the street.

A set of brakes slightly squeals 

as though happy to slow down. 

I await the phone that never calls.

Tobacco Load

She’s got brown fingertips

And 3rd degree burns on her lips

She’s got ash tray breath

I’d kiss her more often but

I fear catching her death

She smokes like a chimney

putting the atom bomb to shame

But it’s not her fault

It’s nicotine to blame

sky purges itself

Grandma won’t open the door

Raindrops sting like darts

 

loud Seagulls cry out

Fish fry in oily sizzles

Coca-cola pops

Evening Blessed

It is dark outside

the sky has shut its eye

warming us gently

beneath its lid.

The Sound of Nature

This is the sound of nature

beating your soul to a pulp.

I apologize. I am mistaken.

This is the sound of humanity

beating your soul to a pulp.

Nature blithely lurks watching.

Whether in horror or agreement,

nature does nothing to indicate.

Nature makes no effort to prevent

your soul from becoming pulp.

Once done. When you are gone,

when you are just a stain of pulp,

Nature may have a taste, a gulp,

Or not

in a bar

in a bar,

just want to lift my glass, be left alone,

crawl inside the television set,

pull the screen up around my neck,

tuck myself in, and

be gone

[ Meanwhile, in another location entirely ]

I am your deity

said the pony to the snowman

it's time to get deliberate

and you are out of focus

=============    ADVERTISEMENT STARTS    ============= 

NEXT ON SUITS:

A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

=============    ADVERTISEMENT ENDS    =============

Bad Lucker Trucker

 Bad Lucker Trucker

Today, just before I was getting ready to leave work, I heard a voice from the shipping dock downstairs. All it did was shout “Hello!” about 20 times. It was pretty irritating. I wanted to yell back, “If you can’t see any shippers, it’s probably because they went home, so shut the hell up!” I’m a polite person, though, and decided to just go home and, as I passed the screamer, tell him that if he couldn’t see anybody, it’s because he’s blind.

So I went downstairs, and the guy was holding a pallet jack handle downwards trying to prevent a pallet with about a ton of boxed steel goods in them from flipping over backwards. He said he’d been yelling for help and nobody could hear him. He never used the word ‘help’ once when he was yelling. He asked if I could help him but I figured, “This guy’s a trucker. Screw him and the truck he rode in on. Nobody needs truckers anyway”. But then I realized that if there were no truckers, no one would be filling grocery stores and my roommate would be sad because she couldn’t force me to eat food that I don’t like. She’d be entirely lacking joy.

So, out of concern over my roommate’s happiness, I went to help the trucker. He tried pushing the pallet from the back while I pressed down on the handle and tried to pull it but we couldn’t get anywhere. If no one pushed down on that pallet jack’s handle, the pallet would fall backwards away from the dock and probably into the truck.

But, surprisingly, I had a thought. We didn’t have time for me to continue daydreaming so I asked him to push down on the pallet jack handle and pull it toward hisself or himself or something. Then I grabbed two broken pieces of wood. Jammed them under the back of the pallet and lifted them up. This got the pallet to tip forward so it would roll back onto the flat shipping floor. 

That trucker was happy. He wanted to know where the shippers were because someone was usually there at 5:00 pm. I told him the shippers were known jerks who drank alcohol and had knife fights all day and I punched out and split.

Robot Fog

Robot Fog’s Third Shorts

Robot Fog’s 3rd Shorts

Rip included.

11.

Captain Jean Luc Picard walked up to the front of the Enterprise bridge.

"I have an announcement I'd like to make to the bridge." he spoke in his usual clear authoritative tone.

Commander Riker, filled with concern and apprehension, responded, "What is it Captain?"

"I'm not who you think I am.", replied Picard.

Picard reached up to his face and began peeling it off. The crew was shocked. Picard continued pulling at his mask. When finished, Picard stood before the entire crew on the bridge of the Enterprise watching their faces.

They looked back and where what seemed to be their beloved captain once stood, there was now a 3 foot Pokemon with a mustache on his forehead.

10.

Men are the unwanted children of God.

9.

he said, he said, I want to take all the bread from the mouths of the fed, attach it to the mouths of the sad, is that so bad? 

Is it really bad, he said, that you have to be dead to prevent pain from spilling from your head?

8.

Somebody is typing your name, No WAIT!, they have changed their mind and have backspaced. They are continuing their typing despite the dog slobbering on their leg but eventually you will see the message, No WAIT! They have changed their mind and have selected most of the text and removed it. Now they are considering writing more than the response "tell me baout it" but they realized they misspelled the word "about" and are canceling the entire comment.

If you are waiting, it's for nothing.

7.

After watching 5 billion tv crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I started using an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

6.

One time I went to the Marshal’s office and told him my name. He asked me what I wanted and I asked him if he knew Jeb Williams. The Marshal said he knew Jeb Williams. Jeb Williams had a small piece of land and grew some crops and hogs. Then he asked me if Jeb Williams had done something that he should know about. I told the Marshal no. I said I intended to kill Jeb Williams and the Marshal better stay out of my way.

Then the Marshal said, “Now look here. Let me tell you something. Jeb Williams is a hard worker. He helps people when he can and is liked around here by everybody. He’s got a wife and 5 children. It’d be 7 children but he mistook 2 of them for hogs and butchered them. You stay away from Jeb Williams or you will answer to me.”

Then I left the Marshal’s office to go kill Jeb Williams.

5.

I've finally started writing my suicide letter. My list of grievances is so long that it's going to take 40 years to finish it. That will be the happiest day of my life. Maybe I'll throw a party, but beware, if I leave the room, you may not want to wait around for me to come back.

4.

Do.
Don't do.
Do do.

Make up your fucking mind!

3.

If I had a brain, I’d beat you all with it.

2.

Picture, if you will, that you are looking upon an article headline which concerns a modern pop artist, the royal family, or any film or television entertainer...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1.

One time I got these 5 guys to break into a bank vault at night after disabling security. Before they started the job, I convinced 3 guys to kill the other 2 after the job was finished because we wouldn’t need those 2 anymore and we’d each have a bigger split of the loot.

After the job, all 5 guys showed up at the meeting place. When I had the 3 guys who were supposed to knock off the other 2 alone and asked why they didn’t kill the 2 guys. Their response was I didn’t tell them which 2 to kill.

Disgustions from Jack Human 3

 Disgustions from Jack Human the Third

13.

Lieutenant Columbo is speaking with a suspect.

Kennicutt: “Listen lieutenant, my marriage to my wife might have seemed strange to an awful lot of people. My wife was young enough to be my daughter but we loved each other completely. We even considered having a child together. A child named Bix Billingsly.

Now, does that answer your question?”

Columbo: “Possibly. I’m not recalling asking that question, though.”

12.

"I’m afraid you have 10 years to live. You're going to have to quit your job"

"Seriously?"

"yes. You are going to have to spend all your time whacking it to this one playboy magazine from 1974. I'm sorry. It's all we can do for you. Anything you'd like to say?"

"Yes. I need a new pornologist.”

11.

"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."

"Live children.”

10.

Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”

Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “what is it?”

Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”

Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”

Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”

9.

"Pooh?", said Piglet.

"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.

"I want to kill you."

8.

Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"

Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."

Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"

Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"

7.

Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24hours."

Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”

6.

A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.

Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”

Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”

5.

30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”

God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”

4.

Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"

Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"

3.

Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."

Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"

Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"

2.

In the apocalypse...

Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”

Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”

Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”

1.

Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"

Joey: "I want you dead!"

Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

---------------------------------

Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"

Cindy: "Your corpse!"

Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.

Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

 Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

Hi, Dick Dribble here. I decided to add value to this site without even bothering to inform Robot or Jack. What I do is none of their business. That cad, Robot, may as well be a toaster oven.

In reverse order like my life:

20.

After many failed attempts, I have finally found a way to successfully weaponize my sperm.

19.

7 billion people per day have to go to bed after having nothing but stale crap for dinner. Now, for the low cost of 19 cents per day, you can ensure that one small child can go to sleep with a tummy full of fresh crap while the other 6,999,999,999 people still go to sleep with stomachs full of stale crap like they deserve to.

18.

I was wondering why I don’t stab every person I see. Then I realized I’d left my knife at home.

17.

I've decided to stop wearing underwear since I just peed myself and I'm also seriously considering getting butt implants on my head!

16.

I just found a squirrel in my underwear. Shots were fired.

**** publisher’s note ****

We here at Broken Trains are happy that the squirrel escaped but sad that Dick Dribble survived. We do not in any way support the existence of Dick Dribble.

**** END publisher’s note ****

15.

The Rise of Dickjerker

Coming in a theater near you!

Bring a raincoat. There won’t be a dry eye in the house.

14.

If I smell like a baby, it's because I pooped myself.

13. Overheard on the bridge.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish brewing my coffee.”

12.

I might consider using Viagra but, with my luck, would probably just wind up fucking myself.

11.

Facebook is the opium of the bastards

10.

I just wrote a song titled, "I am your mother's prostitute". I have another in the works named, "Your lips hardly feed me".

9.

No matter what I wore, I always wondered if people could see my bladder leak absorbing underwear. Now I wear it on the outside of my clothing so I can be sure it’s noticed.

Maybe I’ll wear my bladder on the outside and eliminate the need for expensive absorbing underwear.

8.

If I were a doctor, I’d kill all the other doctors in town. Then I’d be the only doctor in town and such a valuable commodity that I could get away with murder.

7.

Hey! It's me, that jerk you'd all like to see dead!

Well I'm going to make your wish come true but it's going to cost you $15.00

That's $15.00 per viewing. So if you walk away and decide you want another view, it will cost another $15.00.

6.

I was forcibly removed from philosophy class for kicking somebody in the Kant.

5.

While you jerks were out jerkin' it, I legally changed my name to Dwight: "Dwight Ransom". My friends call me "Handsome Ransom", even though I'm not handsome. And I don't have any friends, so pretty much nobody calls me that. What's my point? Why don't YOU tell ME!

6.

Moss Doodleman, Putrid Buttstink, and Dick Puller all walk into a bar...

And are asked to leave.

5.

Hi! I’m a dick.

When a traffic light turns green, I stay where I am and play with myself for up to 70 minutes even if the streets are clear of other vehicles. 

It’s important I do this because I’m a dick.

Did I mention I’m a dick?

4.

After watching 5 billion televised true crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I now use an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

Thank you, true crime shows.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

3.

Dr. Dick Dribble was sitting across the desk from his newest patient, Abatha Cranberk.

"So, how long have you been a doctor?", asked Abatha. 

"Oh, since I placed 'Dr.' in front of my name 2 weeks ago.", replied Doctor Dribble.

2.

Salad dressing? Salad isn't a Barbie doll that you play with and dress up for fun. DO YOU THINK EATING SALAD IS A MOTHERFUCKING GAME?

1. Pain free services

If you suffer from muscle pains and cramps in your legs or your feet, for a small fee, I will remove your legs or your feet. You will be entirely relieved of all discomfort and pain for the cost of merely $1.79. Do your legs suffer pains and cramps, but your feet are no trouble at all? For $2.56, I will remove your legs while leaving your feet.

Call now. 877.pai.nless