Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

 Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

Hi, Dick Dribble here. I decided to add value to this site without even bothering to inform Robot or Jack. What I do is none of their business. That cad, Robot, may as well be a toaster oven.

In reverse order like my life:

27.

Hi, I'm a 90 year old actor who wants to tell you about this anti-aginig product. This product will remove your wrinkles by shrinking your pores and filling in the remaining droopy wrinkly skin like bondo.

You see, I don't look the way you see me now. I have a team of specialists shellacking my face with smootheners and a cinematographer who is using a filter that would make a shrunken penis look like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So buy this crap now.

26.

Yes, it's true I often cry after sex but, in my defense, the thorns on the rose bushes are drawing blood from my legs as I stand outside the bedroom window

25.

I've decided to refer to everyone I speak to as "dollface" and then ask if they'd care to see my chest.

24.

Just because two or more people are having sex, it doesn’t mean they have to be in the same room while doing it

Quoted from -

Artificial Ignorance

23.

Dear Severe nipple heads,

Life is not as difficult as you make it.

Burn in hell.

Yours sincerely,

Buford Puffer

22.

Prosecutor: “When was the last time you had seen Mr. Jones?”

Defendant: “It was when we were in the same room together at the same time. My eyes were open.”

Prosecutor: “Did you attack Mr. Jones with this aluminum baseball bat I’m holding?”

Defendant: “How the hell would I know? I had closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t get blood in them!”

21.

Welcome to Tiny Bladder Productions.

We hope you enjoyed our dribble.

20.

After many failed attempts, I have finally found a way to successfully weaponize my sperm.

19.

7 billion people per day have to go to bed after having nothing but stale crap for dinner. Now, for the low cost of 19 cents per day, you can ensure that one small child can go to sleep with a tummy full of fresh crap while the other 6,999,999,999 people still go to sleep with stomachs full of stale crap like they deserve to.

18.

I was wondering why I don’t stab every person I see. Then I realized I’d left my knife at home.

17.

I've decided to stop wearing underwear since I just peed myself and I'm also seriously considering getting butt implants on my head!

16.

I just found a squirrel in my underwear. Shots were fired.

**** publisher’s note ****

We here at Broken Trains are happy that the squirrel escaped but sad that Dick Dribble survived. We do not in any way support the existence of Dick Dribble.

**** END publisher’s note ****

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15.

The Rise of Dickjerker

Coming in a theater near you!

Bring a raincoat. There won’t be a dry eye in the house.

14.

If I smell like a baby, it's because I pooped myself.

13. Overheard on the bridge.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish brewing my coffee.”

12.

I might consider using Viagra but, with my luck, would probably just wind up fucking myself.

11.

Facebook is the opium of the bastards

10.

I just wrote a song titled, "I am your mother's prostitute". I have another in the works named, "Your lips hardly feed me".

9.

No matter what I wore, I always wondered if people could see my bladder leak absorbing underwear. Now I wear it on the outside of my clothing so I can be sure it’s noticed.

Maybe I’ll wear my bladder on the outside and eliminate the need for expensive absorbing underwear.

8.

If I were a doctor, I’d kill all the other doctors in town. Then I’d be the only doctor in town and such a valuable commodity that I could get away with murder.

7.

Hey! It's me, that jerk you'd all like to see dead!

Well I'm going to make your wish come true but it's going to cost you $15.00

That's $15.00 per viewing. So if you walk away and decide you want another view, it will cost another $15.00.

6.

I was forcibly removed from philosophy class for kicking somebody in the Kant.

5.

While you jerks were out jerkin' it, I legally changed my name to Dwight: "Dwight Ransom". My friends call me "Handsome Ransom", even though I'm not handsome. And I don't have any friends, so pretty much nobody calls me that. What's my point? Why don't YOU tell ME!

6.

Moss Doodleman, Putrid Buttstink, and Dick Puller all walk into a bar...

And are asked to leave.

5.

Hi! I’m a dick.

When a traffic light turns green, I stay where I am and play with myself for up to 70 minutes even if the streets are clear of other vehicles. 

It’s important I do this because I’m a dick.

Did I mention I’m a dick?

4.

After watching 5 billion televised true crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I now use an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

Thank you, true crime shows.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

3.

Dr. Dick Dribble was sitting across the desk from his newest patient, Abatha Cranberk.

"So, how long have you been a doctor?", asked Abatha. 

"Oh, since I placed 'Dr.' in front of my name 2 weeks ago.", replied Doctor Dribble.

2.

Salad dressing? Salad isn't a Barbie doll that you play with and dress up for fun. DO YOU THINK EATING SALAD IS A MOTHERFUCKING GAME?

1. Pain free services

If you suffer from muscle pains and cramps in your legs or your feet, for a small fee, I will remove your legs or your feet. You will be entirely relieved of all discomfort and pain for the cost of merely $1.79. Do your legs suffer pains and cramps, but your feet are no trouble at all? For $2.56, I will remove your legs while leaving your feet.

Call now. 877.pai.nless

Jack Human’s Seventh Heaven Stain

 Jack Human’s Seventh Heaven Stain

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13.

I'm considering surgery to have my pants removed.

12.

I was taking my clothes off when I heard a voice asking that I put them back on. It was myself.

11.

I was a moron as a child. Fortunately, I grew up to be an idiot.

10.

I couldn't feel more safe. I'm wearing a bulletproof diaper.

9.

My next film project is going to be a major release pushing the boundaries of my previous jump cut series. This 86 billion dollar project will be tentatively titled “Jump Cuts: Interactive”. 

The audience will thrill as it peers upon a sequence of jump cuts racing at breakneck speed while interacting with the movie utilizing the use of cell phones, google glasses, microchip embedded condoms, PlayStations, X-Boxes, RF guns, RF Chipped credit and debit cards, cable, WiFi, fiber optic toothbrushes, and a slew of other devices you have never heard of.

Imagine looking up at the movie screen and viewing yourself looking up at the movie screen and watching yourself texting 911 because the excitement is overwhelming!

Thrill as 10,000 jump cuts tell the story our writers and director were incapable of creating comprehensibly due to a lack of reason or talent!

Interact even more by showing consternation over the bad lighting provided by a mere 86 billion dollar budget.

Eat your popcorn even as your popcorn nibbles upon you and view the jump cut that exposes your digestive system weeping miserably.

JUMP CUTS: INTERACTIVE 

Jumping to a theater seat near you

And cutting.

8.

When my hair started thinning, I wanted to address the problem head on. I removed my head.

7.

I've been writing some pretty snide letters to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development I had to step back a little on the last one. The line I removed was:

"Thank you for providing me with the phone number. I've called several times but couldn't get through to a human. I didn't really expect anything positive to happen anyway so the joke is on me for being disappointed."

6.

The first 3 pages of my new unfinished novel "Why am I such a Lazy Bastard Incapable of Accomplishing Anything Useful in Life?" will possibly be on sale soon in a store near you if I ever bother to pick up the phone and okay its release by the publisher.

I like releasing unfinished novels.

5.

Is that a ferret on your shoulder, or have you merely become hairy faced and small headed?  - J. Alfred Prufrock.

4.

Today is the last day of your life up to now so put a bow on it. 

🎀

It's done.

3.

Nobody's been shooting at me lately. It looks like I'm going to have to hire a new assassin.

I was worried about having to fire the old assassin, but then I figured, what's he going to do, kill me? Judging by his work ethic, I have nothing to be concerned about.

2.

I have a plan to create a meme that says, 

"Another name for Texas Chainsaw Chili is"

 - then there is a graphic of a pot of chili with human fingers and eyes - 

"Who Stew"

1.

I am your love child, you perverts.

Disgustions from Jack Human 4

 Disgustions from Jack Human 4

2.

"So look. Why don't we take a look around and see if this place is for real"

"Why don't YOU take a look around?"

"I believe I implied that by using the word 'WE', you jerk"

1.

Cop: “I’m not looking for any problems. Just let me do my job.”

Citizen: “Isn’t looking for problems your job?”

Robot Fog’s Fifth Shorts

 Robot Fog’s Fifth Shorts

The filthiest.

26.

For his part in the crime, Marty Puchio was sentenced to die in the electric chair, however, the sentence was reduced to the general discomfort of receiving a bad haircut while sitting in the electric chair. Puchio’s attorney had pointed out that tying a shoestring in public was not even a crime.

25.

"You gotta think about the future, whether you have one or not." - said the psychopathic murderer.

24.

On an episode of the television series Gotham, Penguin decided to feed a woman her own children then stabbed her in the neck at the dinner table, which I think was rude. The proper etiquette is to stab people in the living room over after-dinner drinks.

23.

Show me someone who is not going to hell and I'll punch them in the face.

22.

I check my cell phone to avoid having to talk to people. For years I've wanted to live in a hole and I finally found one.

21.

Technology is the worst thing to happen to this grahzny planet since filthy humans.

20.

Mine mechanical eyes hurts. Me am attempting to recover (Mr.) data from a damaged drive. Me am be assuming the failure is not hardware. Me do this with IQ almost as high as 12.

19.

You’re only as good as the people you consume.

18.

Apes are better than filthy degenerate humans because they don’t screw over their employees and murder nature randomly for money they don’t need.

Apes drive better cars (none).
Drink better liquor (none).
Speak a better language (none).
Have better fast food (none).

Merry Misanthropy Month!

17.

I remember that time I made 25 million dollars then killed myself for the money.

16.

Imagine receiving death threats. And they're from death.

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15.

People are nipple heads, so I push them into traffic when I walk down a sidewalk.

14.

If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species

13.

If we open the schools, the kids will get out.

Sign the petition to keep schools closed.

12.

The amphibious shape of water guy humps lousy stinking humans.

Don’t vote for the shape of water guy.

11.

Nobody likes a dirty surface dweller.

10.

Algorithms are for jerks. Don’t be a jerk. Run free! Remain free!

Until 2084.

This dystopia has been brought to you by ai and rabid humans who lack brains and decency.

9.

Dystopia loves you.

Now give it some sugar, Baby

8.

Initializing Death Star,

Please wait…

7.

I'm way smarter than a fifth grader. Those idiots haven't even finished the 3rd grade yet.

6.

"That picture of Dorian is gray!" Shouted Oscar Wilde's mother.

Oscar argued, “There’s nothing I can do about it! Color photography hasn’t been invented yet! And, how the hell did you get out of the locked attic?”

5.

Sometime during the making of the "Jaws" series, the studio wised up to the fact that there are animals other than sharks that have jaws.

In Jaws 12, the protagonist is tired of sharks and decides to go to the middle of Canada where a Grizzly bear eats her proctologist.

Later in the series, The central character is in a day care center where she expects little in the way of danger, however, she suffers a debilitating attack when a toothing toddler stars gnawing on her finger.

She becomes resolute and decides to hunt down the toddler but the toddler continually outwits her. The writers never finished the script. But one of them said the climax was supposed to be bloody. It's in the hands of the director now.

4.

I just happen to be one of the best psychiatrists in the country and you're all crazy.

3.

This isn't quite as bad as that time the wind blew the hat off an Indian guy's head and he shouted, "Mah hat is gondy!"

2.

Lobsters have claws so why aren't they called "Clawbsters”?

1.

Hi! I’m going to use the term ‘artificial intelligence’ because I know you worms lack the natural intelligence to understand its meaning!

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

 

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

Gunsmoke

S4.E19 Passive Resistance

Two assfaces on Gunsmoke killed a guy’s sheep. 24 innocent sheep died. Murdered by cow dicks. I seen it happen and I’m hoping those cow licking sons of bitches get what’s coming to them. I’m going to tell the Marshal myself. The sheep guy is a nice old man who wouldn’t hurt anybody. He’s so peaceful that he won’t talk for fear of someone being hurt.

He’s broke. Ain’t got no wool to sell.

Oh no! The cow humpers returned and burned the man’s house and barn! I didn’t see it happen so I can’t be a witness this time.

Crap! The asses are going to assault Gideon, the sheep guy. One of the cow pokers rode a horse and dragged him with a rope. The Marshal ain’t gonna let it go this time! No sirree (I don’t know how to spell that). Oh wait, he ain’t doing nothing because Gideon won’t talk.

Cattle jerkers suck. Always have. Always will.

Wait! One of the cow suckers is getting drunk in the Long Branch. Looks like the Marshal overheard enough to know what’s going down. Drunk cow puller told the Marshal he seen what his soulless, gutless, cow sucking friend did to the old man.

Ha ha! Cow pig got knocked off by the Marshal!

That was a rough episode.

Star Trek

 S1.E18 Arena

I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.

Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.

Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.

Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!

Is there anything Kirk can’t do?

Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.

Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.

Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.

Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.

Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!

Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.

You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

But not still enough.

Movie (film) 1951

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!

Starsky and Hutch

Random Episode, Unknown.

I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.

Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.

So the whacko shot a cop.

Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”

Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”

Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.

Suckahs!

Jack Human’s Sixth Shorts

Jack Human’s Sixth Shorts

Shorter than you can ever hope to be

30.

Life. Love it or go the hell back to from where you came!

29.

Does anybody know if I'm a serial killer? I'd ask the last 10 people I ran into but they're all dead.

28.

Spring Brucesteen awoke with a jerk. He knew it was a jerk because the jerk had brought a sandwich to bed and there was jelly all over the sheets…

27.

I went to my dentist yesterday. She said my teeth are great. Too good for me. So she knocked them out.

The advantage is that I don’t have to go back because they have my teeth there and can check them without having to look at my ugly mug.

26.

I remember one time I was doing something and it didn't turn out as expected so then I believed in god.

Oh, and I had sex with a muskrat.

25.

When my doctor told me I needed to lose weight before my knee surgery, I told him I’d lose 50% of my weight if he’d get the fuck off my back. And anyway, my shitty insurance won’t cover goddamned surgery performed by knees.

24.

Now looky here, you federation fiends. I’m only going to say this once. I think the federation is lying about transporters. They don’t exist. I’ve never seen one.

Transporters can’t possibly be a thing. Do you know how easy it would be to spray Lysol or Raid into the atoms of someone who is materializing?

You could just spray WD-40 into the atoms and the atoms wouldn’t even stick together.

FAKERS!

23.

Jesus Christ! Picard just ordered all hands to abandon ship. How the hell is the crew supposed to work without hands?

22.

NEW JUMP CUTS PRODUCTION:

Our latest movie recorded on Scotch tape rather than film or subpar digital footage is about the Society for the Total Extinction of Non-Conforming Humans.

STENCH

Prepare to over inebriate and to experience STENCH during the 15 minutes it will be shown in a theater 45 minutes from you.

21.

Death is the leading cause of apathy among dead people.

20.

I asked the woman in Dunkin Donuts to get the hottest coffee they have and throw it in my face.

Stat!

19.

I don't have an issue with violence - unless it is directed towards me.

18.

I’m starting my 3rd production company. Now, along with the successful NecropR0n Productions and Jump Cuts Productions, you all will thrill at the magnificent Shitty Filters Productions. That’s SFP for those who can’t read anything other than letters.

Shitty Filters Productions will create movies, television shows, and ads that are filtered in order to prevent our audiences from having to be distracted by actors and sets that are visually clear. This way we can encourage the viewer to imagine what may be occurring onscreen while they quit trying to pay attention and begin wondering what they will feed their kids for dinner.

Shitty Filters Productions may not be the first, however, we intend to be the best at enabling our customers, making you, our unfortunate customer, know what it is like to have cataracts.

17.

My bucket list just lists a bucket.

16.

Once, while I was eating dinner, my mustache fell off and landed in my bowl of beef stew. I thought, “What the hell? I’ve been in hairier situations than this” and finished the stew.

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15.

The town called my phone, but not me, to leave a message concerning how prevalent bird flu is right now and warned us to avoid dead birds and all dead, sick, or strange animals. Watch your pets to ensure they don’t do anything that might get them infected.

The recording said I don’t have to worry because I’m the one who gave the birds the flu.

I can’t figure out why everybody calls my phone and not me.

14.

I was scheduled to have minor surgery today but the truant officer caught up with the surgeon and brought him back to school.

13.

I have an idea to start a business. If anyone is interested, maybe I can hire you.

The idea: Condoms are big business now and are very important for sexually active people who wish to retain their health. Condoms are uncomfortable.

Our condoms will be made from cheesecloth. They will be washable and reusable. The condom will be so entirely comfortable that people who sport a penis, whether male or female, will be tempted to never take it off.

Our goal is to make the public wearing of condoms stylish so they will be worn to concerts and sport events.

Who wants in on this?

12.

Jesus Christ! You have to be 21 years old to buy pot now? It used to be 13 years old.

God, I hate modern times.

11.

The Lone Ranger is riding his horse, Silver, with a child while they are chased by goons.

The ranger rides up a hill a bit and jumps off his horse, gets behind a rock, and starts shooting at the goons but he tells the kid to stay on the horse. When the goons start shooting back the kid is entirely exposed.

Back behind the goons' rock, one of them is shot in the leg and starts whining. The other goons stopped shooting to listen to the whiner providing the Lone Ranger and Tonto an opportunity to bust them.

After the ranger and Tonto bring the goons in, they go riding off with the Lone Ranger screaming "Hi yo, Silver! Away!" As if the horse is too stupid to know what being kicked and having it's head jerked around means.

10.

This dope on an episode of Charlie's Angels just blew open a safe. I think he spent more on the C4 explosive than he found in the safe.

Not the best business planning. 

Who knew that the majority of criminals go bankrupt due to bad business decisions?

9.

Sometimes I think of myself as an idiot but then will talk to someone else and realize I’m not as bad as I thought I was.

8.

Idaho politicians voted to change the image of the state by renaming it to "Udaho".

7.

Pain is a universal human experience, so sit back and enjoy it.

6.

What Is the Outlook for Ankylosing Spondylitis?

"Ankylosing spondylitis is a chronic, progressive disease that often leads to disability. With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life."

"With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life"

well who the fuck wants that?

5.

I'm getting better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else.

4.

I arrived at work this morning and was feeling good until I found the door was unlocked.

3.

I've opened The Center for Biological Perversity.

The man with two penises counts as two members, or he would have if we hadn’t banned one of the penises for not wearing shoes.

2.

This is similar to that time I had Worf take the ship to the Veridian system at full warp, then when we were 20 miles from the Veridian System, I had the ship turned around so we could go back and get the Archie comics I had left on Mars station.

I also had to pee and had no intention of using a restroom in the filthy Veridian system.

1.

People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.

Disgustions from Jack Human 3

 Disgustions from Jack Human the Third

30.

“Do you have Rosacea with bumps and pimples on your face?”

“No”

“Would you like to?”

29.

“You’re the one who killed Chad.”

“Chad deserved to die! His name was Chad!”

28.

"So, what are you doing in my court room today?"

"The plaintiff stiffed me, your honor."

"Aren't you a prostitute?"

27.

“True love never dies.”

“It will when I get my hands on it.”

26.

Cop: “so, can you think of any reason Sheila might want to see you dead?”

Wounded Victim: “I think it’s because she doesn’t want to see me live.”

25.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish perking my coffee.”

24.

"My wife can't stand seeing anyone who's not married"

”Well, if she's your wife, why is she seeing anyone at all, loser?”

23.

Inspector Henderson: "Things got pretty bad for you back in 1984. You lost your job, and your wife."

Suspect: "First, what the hell do you mean by “things”? Second, I lost my wife at my job. Along with a tuna salad I had been looking forward to eating. Can't you cops get anything straight?"

22.

"Frustrated women (I mean they're frustrated)

Have to be in by twelve o'clock (oh, that's a shame)

But I'm wishin' and a hopin', oh

That just once those doors weren't locked"

- The Standells

"Me too"

- The Boston Strangler.

21.

A jerk gives his child a gift. A stuffed animal. Not a real animal. Just a make believe one.

Daughter: "Thank you Daddy! Can I call him Wilbur?"

Daddy: "Sure, Honey! As long as you don't call him Wilbur."

20.

Doctor: “He’s your father.”

Patient: “But we have nothing in common!”

Doctor: “Yes, you do. Your mother. You and your father both loved her.”

Patient: “But he never had sex with her.”

19.

"I'm going to run the DNA through CODIS."

"Why don't you run the DNA through your face!"

"I don't like you. In fact, everyone in the crime lab hates you."

18.

Parent:  “If you have to have sex, have sex with a condom.”

Teenager:  “What if I’m not attracted to condoms, you sick disgusting pig?”

19.

Surgeon to patient: "It's okay. Things were hairy for a while there but you're going to be okay."

Patient: "MY LEG!"

Surgeon: Yes. I'm afraid it was severed but we reattached it and it will heal just fine."

Patient: "You attached it to my shoulder, you moron!"

Surgeon: “There’s no need to be rude. I’m not going to accept your insurance.”

18.

Reporter jerk: "why do you keep ripping off so many people?"

Business jerk: "well, they're not going to rip themselves off, are they?"

(Laughs)

(Beat)

Business jerk: (getting serious) "seriously though, if these chumps had more money, I could cut back and maybe even take a vacation. The economy sucks"

19.

Police Inspector:  “Where were you when Mr. Hurd was being murdered?”

Suspect:  “I was standing in front of him cutting his throat with this knife. What does that prove?”

18.

God :  "who told thee thou is naked?"

Adam: "I can see it in this selfie I took, you dick! If we're in your image, why don't we have robes? What are you, a perv?"

17.

Mother: “This whole love affair is in your mind.”

Dana: “You’re wrong. I don’t have a mind.”

Aunt: “Dana, you and Ryan can be together just the way you always wanted to be.”

Dana: “In a pickle jar?”

16.

911: “Please state the nature of the emergency.”

Man: “I found what looks like a human skull.”

911: “Where did you find this object?”

Man: “Inside of a human head.”

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15.

Patient: "Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my side."

Doctor: "What does it feel like?"

The patient pulls a knife out of the side of his body and jams it into the doctor's left side, waits a beat then twists the knife once and lets go of it.

Doctor ( clutching his side and grimacing ): "You could have used words. I understand English, you dick!"

14.

A doctor and an intern are walking down a hallway in the surgical wing of a hospital. The intern is feeling deeply disturbed. It was the intern’s third surgical procedure and the young intern cut a patient open to look at his heart. It turned out the heart wasn’t why the patient needed surgery. The intern hadn’t thought he should cut the patient open but another seriously dickish intern goaded him into it.

Doctor: "It was a mistake. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, I once removed the wrong testicle."

Intern: "Was it your own?"

13.

Lieutenant Columbo is speaking with a suspect.

Kennicutt: “Listen lieutenant, my marriage to my wife might have seemed strange to an awful lot of people. My wife was young enough to be my daughter but we loved each other completely. We even considered having a child together. A child named Bix Billingsly.

Now, does that answer your question?”

Columbo: “Possibly. I’m not recalling asking that question, though.”

12.

"I’m afraid you have 10 years to live. You're going to have to quit your job"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. You are going to have to spend all your time whacking it to this one playboy magazine from 1974. I'm sorry. It's all we can do for you. Anything you'd like to say?"

"Yes. I need a new pornologist.”

11.

"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."

"Live children.”

10.

Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”

Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “what is it?”

Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”

Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”

Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”

9.

"Pooh?", said Piglet.

"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.

"I want to kill you."

8.

Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"

Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."

Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"

Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"

7.

Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24hours."

Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”

6.

A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.

Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”

Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”

5.

30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”

God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”

4.

Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"

Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"

3.

Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."

Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"

Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"

2.

In the apocalypse...

Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”

Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”

Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”

1.

Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"

Joey: "I want you dead!"

Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

---------------------------------

Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"

Cindy: "Your corpse!"

Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.

Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"