Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.
1.
Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.
Then I’ll punch them. And you.
A place between tracks
1.
Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.
Then I’ll punch them. And you.
8.
A young man approaches a cashier and places cash and a few coins on the counter and says:
"A pack of menthol cigarettes."
Cashier: "I'm sorry but that's not enough"
The young man reaches into his pants pocket and slowly withdraws a pair of pliers. He inserts the pliers into his mouth and struggles to pull out a tooth. He succeeds in pulling the tooth from his mouth and slams the bloody tooth down on the counter alongside the cash and change he put down a minute ago.
Cashier: "That's interesting but I still need that nickel you were short on"
Spouse I: “You have to pay the bill!”
Spouse II: “Can’t the bill pay itself? I have more important things to do. Plus, I don’t even exist, so good luck getting me to pay.”
18.
This instruction for avoiding illness is still valid in the present year.
Many of the things you do to help prevent colds and the flu can help protect you against other respiratory viruses, including COVID-19:
Wash your hands often with soap and warm water for at least 20 weeks.
Avoid touching your eyes with your nose and mouth.
Sell things that are frequently touched (like doorknobs and countertops).
Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Use a hatbox filled with condoms, not your hands.
Stay home if you are sick and avoid close contact with yourself.
17.
If I had a seance, I'd ask everyone to hold each others' asses because the paranormal is a pile of shit. If a ghost tries to pull anything on me, I'll shoot it in the eye with a musket.
16.
The issue I have with the television show “Serial Killer with Piers Morgan” is that the serial killer didn’t do his fucking job and ice the freak.
15.
I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride home making obscene gestures to other drivers. I was ahead of schedule so maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.
14.
List of dicks:
Dick Dryver (drives like a dick) ((also drives a dick switch))
Dick Byker (Rides a Motorcycle like a dick)
Dick Dawdler (waits 15 minutes to take a perfectly good right hand turn on a red light or stop sign despite there being no vehicle approaching from the left) ((also owes me $7,000 for making me use so many words with which to describe their sin))
Dick Jerker (jerks it for half an hour when a red light becomes green)
Dick Waddler (waddles in the middle of a parking lot blocking innocent people who are looking for a parking spot) ((also wanders in the middle of the shopping aisle preventing others from freely going about their business)) (((also owes me $7,000)))
Dick Blower (uses their horn inappropriately)
Welcome to dickworld, clodhoppers.
13.
Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have sex. If it is, make your heart get a goddamned job.
12.
If you don't want to be seen naked with a goat, pull the damn shades down.
11.
I'm too tired and lazy to write out every curse word when I post or comment so I am asking you each to imagine every single post or comment with such cursing that your ears tremble. Or eyes. Since you're reading and not hearing unless you have some insane neurological condition that causes you to actually hear what you are reading.
Please add 1000 curse words to this post for accuracy.
11.
Receive a text alert after every bowel movement so you'll know exactly how full of shit you are.
10.
The only solution to hair loss is removal of the head.
9.
“Live long then fuck off and die.”
- Rude Spock
8.
To live outside the bra
You must be bra-less
7.
What’s up with these dunderheads what run the Federation of Planets and Starfleet? They’ve had phasers forever but haven’t created clothing or devices to absorb or deflect phasers fired at people who may expect to be fired upon.
The crew is also seriously inept at preventing espionage. When some whacko is running about the vessel damaging the controls and causing direct harm to people they never use a transporter to beam the loser into a holding cell. I’d beam the whacko into space. They also can’t grasp the concept of transporting crew members out of damaged areas of the ship.
Just what the hell is there to look forward to in the future?
Except possibly transporting food from your plate to your mouth so you can use both hands to read an iPad while eating.
6.
The safest room in the house is the one with the safe.
5.
If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species.
4.
This is a certifiable fact:
While alive Rush Limbaugh could truthfully say, "I didn't join the military because my ass had a hole in it."
3.
Frank Dicklehead, Nippleless Rage, Farton Stink, Big Frankelow, Guppy Shoestring, Nipplelips N. Rage, Goober Hamstring, Danny Blowhard, and Grick Sharpton each awoke that day in the form of scrambled eggs...
2.
The stupid Lone Ranger keeps yelling at his horse. This morning he was screaming, "Hi yo, Silver" and the horse finally got pissed and yelled back, "Stop calling me that, you freak! My name is Horace Aquinas, the third.”
1.
Humans are the skid marks of the universe.
Jack Human’s Third Shorts
By Jack Human
In reverse order:
30.
For God so despised the world and the people inhabiting it he allowed Hollywood to create entertainment that would cause the population to yearn for hell.
29.
[Fiary - a diary that is destined to be burned.]
Dear Fiary,
I discovered that putting peanut butter on a cookie makes it go down more smoothly.
28.
theme = "Alcohol is a serial killer"
Form = poem, song, essay.
Now, I would like one of you to do this and have it finished by Sunday morning. And, I want it with - feeling.
27.
I hope this fluid coming from my urethra is urine. Maybe I should post a photo of it
26.
I search for a hole in my head from which I can escape.
25.
Peanuts & butter do not equal peanut-butter
By the way, another way to express “not equal” is “!=“
Peanut-butter != (peanuts & butter)
24.
Krohnald Bumtung was hungry. He was a grotesque monstrosity who had escaped being slaughtered as a young vicious slug licking butt leech by inhabiting the minds of uneducated simpletons across a wasteland of willful unholy ghouls and dispersing his special brand of horrendous subhuman incompetency in a completely ineffectual attempt to make his mark in a world which considered him the most vile of vomited fecal matter...
23.
Dear Diary,
I am writing on you or, possibly, in you. I’m uncertain. I suppose while you are open, I am absolutely writing ON you, and I suspect that this notion cannot be refuted. Once I close you however, my written words will be INSIDE you. Alas, this is a conundrum the likes of which have been long unknown to me. Or is it myself, or I? I’m kidding. It is ME.
Having become confused and a bit guilty over whether my writing on and/or in you, is, in fact, a physical assault and hence, a criminal offense, please excuse me for touching you as I will be doing when I attempt to wipe the evidence of my presence off you.
22.
The guy at the doctor’s office asked me to confirm my birthdate as 1958.
So I said, “that’s not right. What kind of a fucking psycho would be born in the 1950’s?”
Turned out the guy was the janitor.
21.
Alligators ate my leg despite the fact I was on a jet plane 30,000 feet in the air at the time.
20.
I've been considering suicide but I know how wrong it is because it's taking work away from somebody else. I'm handy with a wrench but if I have issues with my plumbing, I call a professional plumber. There are many skilled people out there who need the work. Killing myself will deprive them of making money and feeding their families.
When I say "families" I mean "families" plural. I figure people who murder for a living probably aren't concerned over small things like bigamy
19.
Nothing goes better with eggs than sperm. So guess what the early bird special at my diner is today!
18.
On many true crime shows the police interrogators have rolls of toilet paper on the table during these murder investigations we've been watching.
I'm thinking Kleenex is probably too expensive for these communities so the police just steal TP from the crime scene for the murderer to fake cry in.
I wonder if they ever have to send someone around pulling toilet paper out of the hands of people about to wipe. Like, YOINK, "excuse me! We have a murderer to break and I need this!"
"What the hell! How am I supposed to wipe?"
"Shut up! We have a crime to solve!"
17.
Janeen contacted Jerry and told him her husband, William, was a member of organized crime, a drug dealer, and would quite often wear a plaid jacket over a plaid shirt.
It was the plaid on plaid which convinced Jerry to commit the hit on William.
16.
Great news! I've created a pair of underwear that has a USB port for charging smartphones and other small electronic devices.
15.
I'm going to walk around kicking over trees this weekend then I'm going to clean up a skyscraper really well so birds fly into it.
14.
Since I became pro-life, I've been going around knocking the condoms off of fornicators.
13.
Peeling hard boiled eggs is a serious hassle. I don’t like hassles and I no longer bother lifting my underwear up higher than my ankles either. I don’t even waste time swallowing cool drinks once I pour them into my mouth.
I stopped walking to the bathroom when I have a bowel movement. Why the hell should I waste my energy on such trivialities? Sure, I’ve been suspended from my job, but so what? In fact, I’ve decided that not only is peeling hard boiled eggs a hassle but so is boiling them in the first place.
Lifting my eye lids just to see is a hassle too. So is using my vocal chords when I open my mouth to speak.
Crap! Writing this declaration is such a hassle, I have no idea how to ...
(Addendum: My underwear has since left me. It said I let it down once too often. It also said I stink.)
12. Horror Story #2
I was in the restroom at work hiding because that's what I do in there, when someone comes in and starts gagging and coughing. I'm thinking, "Shit, I hope they don't die. I don't want to have to jump over the body. I might touch it by accident."
I couldn’t see the person, but he spit in the sink and then washed his hands. Then he used the urinal and left without washing his hands.
Sensing he was gone, I went to wash my hands because that's what I do with my hands when I’m finished peeing on them, and I could see bloody sputum in the sink he used.
I don't know why I even had to be born.
11.
I'm changing my name to Botulism and am moving to Canada to live with the Doodlebops.
10.
As a vetrinarian, I can tell you that I don’t know how to pronounce ‘veterinarian’.
Shoes without shirt required
9.
If your underwear is too dangerous for you, take control of your damn underwear!
8.
I decided to be like Jesus and I went to a bingo game at a church and knocked over the table from which the balls are drawn.
I hadn't foreseen the results of this action as a crowd of 200 old people immediately jumped up to race toward me with the intention of beating me to a pulp.
I hadn't moved since I knocked over that vile sinful table and I was feeling proud of myself thinking Jesus would be happy, when ten minutes later, the first wave of the mob crossed the six feet separating us, caught up to me, and I realized I should have ran.
7.
I brought my car in for service because the engine light was on. The mechanic said the car just a valve issue and they have to order the part. He assured me it wasn't serious and the car is safe to drive.
When I opened the door, the car exploded. The mechanic told me, "The door, on the other hand, may be a problem."
6.
I’m starting my 3rd production company. Now, along with the successful NecropR0n Productions and Jump Cuts Productions, you all will thrill at the magnificent Shitty Filters Productions. That’s SFP for those who can’t read anything other than letters.
Shitty Filters Productions will create movies, television shows, and ads that are filtered in order to prevent our audiences from having to be distracted by actors and sets that are visually clear. This way we can encourage the viewer to imagine what may be occurring onscreen while they quit trying to pay attention and begin wondering what they will feed their kids for dinner.
Shitty Filters Productions may not be the first, but we intend to be the best at making you, our customer, know what it is like to have cataracts.
5.
Jim finally told Bill that something had been eating at him for weeks. Bill pointed out the coyote attached to Jim’s leg.
4.
One in three deaths is caused by dying.
3.
Today when I was driving, I seen a sign what says, “No parking on either side of street”, so I parked in the middle and bought my drugs there.
2.
A support customer called me because his email didn't work. He talked over me for a few minutes and finally said "I'm not connected to the internet"
And this is why I support gun control.
1.
I've made it my mission to wear underwears what doesn't have no leg holes.
Any hole in a underwears only serves to weaken and undermine its purpose. Therefore, the most perfect underwears in the universe will not have any leg holes or any kind of opening at all. They will be entirely sealed and impenetrable from within and without.
In addition to the general health benefits of perfectly formed no-holes underwears, squirrels and other rodents will be discouraged from entering the garment thereby reducing the odds of gunplay in that area.
I turned on the TV
early one morning
A man came on
Moaning and groaning -
“I need your help
send me your money.
I want to build a world
made of milk and honey.”
How to tell if he
meant what he said?
I blinked my eyes
and shook my head.
Wouldn’t you know
he was on again
and before you could pray,
he’d taken me in.
He said, “Peace & love
are a rotten lie.
Follow me or else
your soul will die.
And anyway,
I need a new kitchen.
So send your money
my palms are itchin’.”
I was thinkin’ twice
about his line
then he said something
to change my mind.
He explained about art
‘cause it’s all evil
showed me what it’s done
to all the people.
He said, “look at the world.
It’s all wrong.
I’ve got a plan
to make it strong.”
He told me to avoid
Muslims, atheists, & Jews.
He said God don’t grant
the right to choose.
He wrote a book,
40 dollars a print,
it tells you what
the bible really meant.
It tells about earth
it tells about heaven
it tells you to vote for him
in the next election.
He told me to fear,
told me not to talk,
told me that God almighty
was watching my clock.
I put down my beer
I was getting scared
I just about jumped
right out of my chair.
Well, I went out
bought his book
showed him my soul
so that he could look.
He asked me to give
until I was broke
then he ran off to live
with the Holy Ghost
My Underwears
Hi, My name is Smike Mansmell and I want to share My Underwears with you.
I became a severe crackhead until I found God who refused to provide me with more crack unless I obtained the moral imperative that would enable me to coerce people better than myself to live within the confines of my personal belief system. God taught me how to lie to a bank to gain the funds which enabled me to open a manufacturing facility to mass produce a quality and much needed product I call My Underwears.
My Underwears are made from the toughest non-biodegradable materials and are designed with a safety device which expels flames at the slightest indication of a breach. My Underwears guarantees the absolute safety of the wearer.
According to the FDA, the WHO (the band and not the World Health Organization), those two kids I purchased beer for, and all scientists who agree with me, My Underwears is the best protection against infection, disease, and unwanted sexual advances for asexuals ever created in the entire history of the universe.
As is well known and has been thoroughly agreed upon by myself, My Underwears will create a clean local personal atmosphere around the wearer. Air, furniture, and even the clothing worn over My Underwears will be entirely clear of odor and particles of extraneous defecants (a word created just for this product) as well as non-contaminated with cells generally expelled by the filthy human groin.
My underwears is affordable and is the only product that will provide you with protection and dignity. Our flame enhanced decontamination system has the highest rating ever provided by the CDC.
So, if you are a decent person who desires to leave no trace of defecants or groin germs in what might be a beautiful planet if only it lacked a human presence, order My Underwears now!
Order now and receive a free pair of My Underwears for the low price of $170.00 that contains an unbreakable locking device for anyone you know who is in dire need of My Underwears but refuses to wear them.
877-myundys.
Numbered in reverse order: (according to the amount of pain they inflict)
12.
I am the last ray of the final setting of the sun
11.
Sunlight soothes my eyes
A warm wind calms my nerves
For God’s sake, make it stop!
10.
I live today
I breathe today
Today is not the best of days
9.
Get a grip
Inject your lip
Here’s a tip
Don’t slip
Don’t flip
Don’t drip
you ain’t hip
8.
the exiter
people come, people go
or, as they say,
"you can be replaced"
on and off the stage
like players in a play
speaking lines of hello-goodbye,
people come, people go
and of course,
"you can be replaced".
but, if you're good,
if you're really really good,
you will leave an empty space
You sons of bitches
7.
One pill makes you swallow
Another pill makes you fall
And the ones the dealer sells you
Throw you up hard against the wall
Don’t take any meds with malice
Unless you want your brain to stall
6.
One snowflake
two snowflakes
three snowflakes
Snow Snow Snow is all I see
man this snow is thrilling me
5.
I am a bonehead
my head is thick with bone
if it weren't for other boneheads
I would truly feel alone
4.
Satan smells like a bad burrito.
Almonds make me cry.
Dire Straights won't play my town.
Orange is an edible color.
A plane flies overhead thru swamps of clouds.
Tarantulas live for the day they are to be eaten.
Monkeys don't lie. Buffalo don't fly.
Shamu, the killer whale, is a guy.
Towels can sting your eye.
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye
3.
2.
Do what you have to do
Do what you need to do
Do what you want to do
How do you do?
1.
He wasn’t you
You were him
He’ll never know you
You do know him
He is fortunate
More so than I