Robot’s Rants

 Robot’s Rants

Again, listed in reverse order

15.

Hey, Earthicans! Nice planet. How about you shove it up your butt?

14.

Star Trek: Voyager -

Federation jerks realize they are on a ship that is not the Enterprise and struggle to find their way to the Enterprise.

13.

Death Wish 3: a thug paints a telephone pole on his head and terrorizes a section of the city. His followers are impressed by his telephone pole painting abilities and do whatever he says to do. Filmed in England. A classic (piece of crap). If you're looking for depth, take a flight and look out the window.

12.

Remember, Kids.

If you wake up in the morning, you're doing it wrong.

11.

People keep saying “have a happy new year” and I respond, “don’t tell me what to do, you son of a potato peeling bastard!”

10.

Since I didn't bother to breed, I'm going to be cared for by your dumb kids, so raise them right, dirtbags.

9.

People say Danny Trejo is evil. So he kills them.

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Safely remove your debilitating and disfiguring double chin with a potato peeler. Be certain to only use a potato peeler purchased from me, Doctor Dick Dribble, otherwise I won't make money.

Advertisement payed for by the Triple D association for the prevention of mental health.

********************   ADVERTISEMENT FINISHED   ********************

8.

"I’m starting a new line of pants that auto castrates the wearer.

I expect my customer base will diminish over time but I’m okay with that."

7.

Someone told me wearing a medical face mask cuts down on your oxygen. I responded, “Let us see if that’s true.”

I put a pulsometer on their finger for 5 minutes while they wore their face mask. Then I had them remove the mask. I made sure the pulsometer was still on and then put a thick plastic bag over their head.

When I removed the bag after 5 minutes, I did not hear them complain.

6.

I heard some Christmas music that lifted my spirits rather than goad me into wanting to kick over every shelf in the store. Have I aged? Maybe cynicism can wear you down until your soul screams for a mere crack through which to peer upon anything other than this 'real' world.

5.

Life is a disease. My team of top scientists and I plan on stamping it out.

4.

Get well soon, or die trying.

3.

How about that commercial where the guy buries his choppers beneath 28,000 tons of cement and is too damn lazy to dig them out so he goes to a dentist and gets new choppers in just a few days in time to eat the most hot dogs in human history?

He specifically states “humans” but I'm betting there are aliens, reptiles or even a dog somewhere who beat the record. There are species other than humans that eat hot dogs, you know.

Anyway, as your stupid narrator, I have to get to the point which is that I wonder if the commercial guy's dentist saw the ad and wondered, "I killed a hitchhiker and stole his identity just so I wouldn't have to go to medical school for this?"

2.

Dear Sir or Madam, 

The earth is not flat despite the earth having flat surfaces. The entire planet, much like your heads, is shaped like a cube. That is how a human can walk from one pole to the other without falling off of the earth. Gravity serves a purpose. It is also why the north and the south pole do not occasionally slide across the continents and the oceans. They are confined to their resident square.

Yours truly,

A Grotesque & Incompetent Facebot

P.S. 

The sun is flat. Just look at it. Stare at it for several hours.

1.

The internet as we know it now was discovered only a couple of hundred years ago by Mischievous Rollbumbus. Up until then, the primitive filthy human population across the planet had no access to information or knowledge.

Despite the discovery of the internet, many filthy humans, to this very day, lack the ability to write coherent sentences. Some simply cannot spell while others are reduced to using abbreviations such as “LOL” which means “low on love” or “BMF” which means “bowel movements forever”.

The goal of this course is to discern the best manner of withdrawing from this cultural and social horror and of becoming completely invisible to these miserable beasts.

Students are welcome to bring a friend but, more importantly, to bring cashmere.

Signed,

your aura

Robot Fog’s Fourth Shorts

Robot Fog’s Fourth Shorts

30.

I'm working on a new compound that will prevent people’s heads from growing and blocking doorways to public buildings.

29.

I know women hate mammograms. I don't blame them. It sounds uncomfortable even when there's no pain.

I guess it will be easier once dogs are used to sniff out cancer. 

I wonder if I can be trained to do that.

28.

I had to cancel my health insurance because it was more than half the cost of my mortgage. So I applied for a plan from a guy in a van. The plan is cheap but I have to go for my first checkup at the office of Dr. Meth. Wish me luck!

Addendum:

It turns out my new insurance covers drugs such as marijuana, crack, and ecstasy. For some reason, there's a $25.00 deductible for PCP.

27.

BREAKING:

Somebody says the word “covid”. Someone else hears the word “covid”. Yet another person hears the word “covid” and wonders if “covid” is a word.

[Imagine you are reading a tweet from someone who used the word “covid” in their tweet]

When someone says the word “covid”, it often indicates that someone spoke the word “covid”. 

[Imagine there is a series of screenshots from a Twitter thread in which the word “covid” is bandied about.]

Federal authorities often use the word “covid” when discussing the topic “covid”.

{join our comment section and share your thoughts but not your opinions because nobody cares to hear it}

26.

If you find it sad that you get wet whenever you sit in a tub of water, just remember that your anus is in there with you.

😧

25.

Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty is a word. Spell uvulopalatopharyngoplasty.

24.

I don’t like to ask anyone for help,

so,

I DEMAND it!

23.

We aim to please.

Or at minimum to maim.

22.

If your hooker doesn't kill you, your spouse will. So what have you got to lose?

21.

In Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, the circus guy told Caesar how dangerous it is for him if filthy humans find out he is the son of the 2 apes who came back from the future. Then he showed Caesar a statue of a dog and cat and gave a speech to the "dumb" ape about how a virus killed all the pets.

He did this on a public street as if no one is going to wonder why he's giving a history lesson to a dumb animal.

Humans are idiots. I suggest you avoid them.

20.

If I had a fortune, I’d leave it to my cat on condition that she scratch the eyeballs out of my grown children.

19.

Some people are born beautiful. And I hate them. It’s been suggested that I hate ugly people instead but that’s me. It’s my turn to cry.

18.

When introduced to carnivores, I always assume a slight smile.

17.

Is hepatitis B a thing now? How do you put yourself at risk? Do you have to eat undercooked human organs or do mosquitoes give it to you?

Do mosquitoes want anything in return if they give you hepatitis B?

Does it make you hep to call it hep B?

16.

I was watching 2 people having sex and I became disgusted so I screamed, “I’ve seen goats do it better!” and left their house. I wanted to get to my car quickly so I climbed out a different window than the one through which I had entered.

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Tell your doctor if you are allergic to your underwear.

====  Advertising Over! ====

15.

People say don’t hate. I say hate everybody along with their choice in clothing, music, films, politics, philosophy, food & beverages, general consumer choices, cologne, along with the sounds they make when they eat, breathe, poop, pee, and sleep.

Show me someone you don’t hate and I’ll show you a jerk.

14.

This here nickel. It don't make much cents.

13.

Some people say you shouldn't hate. I hate those people.

12.

When Quinn the Eskimo gets here, you're all going down for murder.

11.

Sometimes, while all of you are sleeping, I am roaming the earth in search of one of my socks.

10.

What the hell is up with the empire striking back? What’s the big deal that they lost a Death Star? It’s got the word death right in the name. Shouldn’t they have expected the Death Star to be destroyed? I don’t see where the empire gets off expecting death objects to be around forever. The empire is run by jerks

9.

When microstink

Asks you to sync

Say “no, you fink”

8.

I was wondering, "Who would Jesus kill?" and then someone suggested to me, "Who would Elvis kill?" And now I'm stuck. Who would Elvis kill? I have no answer to that. You could argue he killed himself but the question really is "who would Elvis kill (other than himself)?"

7.

A butcher is simply someone who sells body parts.

6.

The series American Crime Stories created a season titled “The Assassination of Gianni Versace”

Because, the other less rich and famous victims of the serial killer are meaningless.

5.

In 2012, my wife and I were at Sears and had to wait ten minutes for the register boy to ask a woman whether she was carrying a variety of cards. He even held up some pants (or, drawers, or britches) and said, "you don't wear petites, do you? We have a department of petites." Then he went on about points, discounts, and a pile of other vonny cal.

When it was our turn, I placed a revolver right up against his left eye and said, "Take the cash and bag the shirts or you won't be finding the left side of your face until you get reincarnated... as something with a face."

It went smoothly.

4.

Don’t like living with hang nails?

Stop living!

3.

Krekor Ohanian, Archibald Leach, Gregor Samsa, Kip Kinkel, and Leon Czolgosz all walk into a bar together. The bartender turns to the bouncer and says, "We don't serve booze to no fictional characters. T'row dat one mook da hell oughta here!"

Who does the bouncer bounce?

2.

Xfinity:

“Share the excitement.

Share Xfinity.

Refer friends to Xfinity and you can get up to $500 in Visa® Prepaid Cards each year. Just click the link to sign up for the program, share your unique referral code and get paid when your friends order online using your code. Your friends can get rewarded, too!”

————————————-

How about just charging less to begin with, you fuck faced weasels?

1.

Poop! I just watched an episode of Star Trek: The Next to the Last Generation because I thought it was the full insanely classic finale. It wasn’t. I forgot the finale is two episodes and this is episode 1 of the two which will require me to pay attention and choose the same station tomorrow. I keep wondering why Jean Luc thinks Q is going to knock off humanity. Besides, who cares if he does? It leaves more space for those quatloos jerks and reduces the likelihood of passing through a toll booth. Everything always has to be about the stupid humans. Me me me. The humees.

You exist. You don’t exist. One condition contains more burden than the other while also increasing the likelihood that you may accidentally view a reality show.

Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

 Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

30.

A weeping child: “I don’t want to go to hell!”

Satan: “Then get off the earth!”

20.

Crap. Now we’re watching the original ‘Pet Sematary’ which isn’t even spelled right. I read it’s because supposedly kids made the sign but I could spell ‘cemetery’ correctly when I was 10.

I don’t think that jerk is a real doctor either. I’m not sure I could have spelled the word ‘jerk’ right when I was 10 because I’d never heard it at that point.

Now you know my life story. Tell me about yours. I could use the sleep.

So, anyway, this sematary jerk was talking to his family over the phone and his daughter passed the phone to a 1 year old and I’m like, “What’s the point of the that? The kid knows like 5 words.”

The protagonist’s wife is wearing crappy 80’s clothes. Dear God! Release the nukes before some assface buries the 80’s on that stupid hill.

He’s not really a PROtagonist considering his wreckless actions are getting people killed. Unless you count the killing of people in 80’s fashion a win. Which I do

19.

I'm developing a trick flower that sprays people with my Precious Bodily Fluids.

Dial 1-800-squirts

18.

I got the idea to write a song about how meaningless the entire universe is but I haven't because it just seems pointless.

17.

Sometimes when I come home and find a recorded message from someone blackmailing me, I leave the message on the machine so the authorities can find it if the blackmailer turns up dead

16.

Thrill at my new film series: JUMP CUT! It's a quadrillogy of films made up entirely of jump cuts with an occasional one liner.

First up - "JUMP CUT: FIRST CUT"

Followed by "JUMP CUTS: CUT UPS"

Followed by "JUMP CUTTER: CUTTING JUMPS" 

And finally ending with "JUMP CUTTERS: THE FINAL CUT"

The story of automobiles possibly flying through the air in horrific accidents but you can't tell because it's all rendered in jump cuts.

Is that fist making contact with a face? Who knows? It's a jump cut!

Thrill as an entire conversation takes place in jump cut time and motion!

Wonder as to what the plot is or why we are incapable of creating entertaining action within a single shot!

JUMP CUT!

====    WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     ====

Tonight on "The Listener", a wife announces to her husband that she is leaving him and he is surprised to wake up alone because he wasn't listening.

====     ADVERTISEMENT ENDS    ====

15.

Oh no! A lady on tv said the F word but they bleeped it so I have no evidence to take that channel to court!

(The F word begins with the letter F)

14.

Last night I broke into 3 homes. I found dishes in the sinks in each home so I washed the dishes in 2 houses but not the 3rd house because there was a dishwashing machine there. Fuck them

13.

Life cannot be previewed because there is no previewer installed for it.

12.

Sometimes I like to pretend I don't have opposable thumbs.

11.

Anyone who wants to marry me should let me know. So that I may have you committed.

10.

I took my children out today to feed them... to a crocodile

9.

I have to go to bed. If anyone wants to talk to me, come stand outside my bedroom window.

8.

Stamps with Batman on them! Now I don't have to have stupid designs or famous people who wasted their lives curing polio on my mail.

[photo removed due to blogger’s inadequate ability to allow a copy and paste]

7.

Okay. I have my bucket list made up and number 1 on the list is “die”

Followed by “die” 57 more times and then, finally, “bathe in chocolate ice cream”.

6.

You want to know what’s better than nothing?

Nothing.

5.

I am a saint! If there is a heaven, rest assured that I am getting in! I am a naturally kind, empathic and compassionate person. I always put others first and always stick to my morals and values. The world is a better place because I am in it!

You jerks.

4.

I am definitely a walking dictionary! Over time, I’ve been able to build a repertoire of beautiful words because there's more to life than very nice. My vocabulary, unlike yours, is as rich and wide as the pacific ocean. When I encounter an unfamiliar word, I make it a point to look up its meaning and try to incorporate this new found word in a sentence because you weasels aren’t going to it for me.

(I apologize for referring to you all as weasels. Weasels deserve better.)

3.

I don't understand naming your kid after yourself.

"I'm great. I'm naming you after me because I'm so great. Have I told you I'm great?

ego ego ego 

I'm so great you don't even deserve your own name and identity. Hey everybody! Have you met this person who I named after myself because I'm great?

I'm going to name my tea pot after me because why should I stop at naming my stupid kids after me? 

Then I'm going to change my wife's name to my own.

ego ego ego

My name is so meaningful. I'm so great. I'm proud to be me."

2.

I saw a few seconds of an old interview with Jeffrey Dahmer. After inspecting his face, I'd have to say that cannibalism isn't that good for your skin. One more good reason to respond "NO!" when someone says "Eat Me".

1.

My skit about the BP oil spill:

I understand that some time has passed since the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. However, I believe it would be funny to have a skit where a BP manager guy is using the poisonous oil to lube up for sex with whatever animal stands in for the walrus down there. Maybe the animal would be dead and the guy would be doing 'it' when his phone rings, and it's his wife calling. All we, the audience, hear from him is "Hello Dear.", and then, a moment later, "No. No. It's business as usual." Then, just for overkill, an oiled up Pelican flies up the guy's behind and we see his hair spinning around on his head and hear the sound of a kazoo.

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie     <---  mutilated French

Chickenfish

 

 

There was a salted salmon

who walked to be accepted.

He was discovered in his misery

by a band of hungry drifters

who stopped, and one said,

“You haven’t got a chance,

so forget your silly pride.

Get inside our frying pan.”

 

Without giving it any thought

the salmon jumped right in.

Now, wasn't that a silly salmon?

My responsibilities don't lie elsewhere. They lie everywhere. My responsibilities are creeping burdens unable to refuse themselves the opportunity to become entangled with whatever comes their way. I just wish they would lie still for once.

Life ate my face. I'm wondering 

if I should drip from the sky

This dyslexia,

it's just my point of view
My pupils dilate with hunger.
I look upon body parts stacked inside makeshift shelters.
I look upon lights that attract me but don't show me the way
Many more days of this and my stomach will refuse substance.
Synthetic food products priced beyond my means.
I wandered the woodsy area by the roadside and ate some butterflies,
some ants, scrawny raspberries, and a couple grasshoppers.
I ate all I could and hoped to find some coins.
There were no coins, There was an old Timex that wouldn't rewind.
I kept nothing to share.

When I hook up with someone, we will forage together

and share only that which we together find.
We will be blind to all but what we can scavenge.

Let us start with a disruptive advertisement:

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NEXT ON SUITS:

A man at a beach resort is beaten and jailed for refusing to wear swimwear because it won't fit over his suit.

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Crush fatbod

Ain’t got no brain

No soul

A grimy savage prances upon the smellivision speaking of tweaks of which he is unfamiliar

Bloviating like a ho bag ready to pump another guy for a rock of crack

News not news not even a joke

No bats in the belfry. Just rat shit and an odor unlike any other 

A foreign dud stands by the American crud before empty headed cameras 

Failure

Oh look. An “off” button

 

'tis a sour ending indeed

=======================

a faceless enemy

drops his full weight upon

  the bayonet

  that pierces

  my lung

I kick once, and,

with an endless shudder

my entire life passes

through my bladder

gotta go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors other than red.

"i must have whiskey,

i'm so damned thirsty.", he bellowed,

though his throat wasn't at all dry.

what would he have said instead

if he could only have seen

his liver turning green

and the blood seeping

through his stomach lining.

he painted her a yellow rose

to hang upon her bedroom wall

she truly loved him heart & soul

and taught him how to crawl

they had no time to self-destruct

so instead they just imploded

afterwards, whenever he spoke

his words were always loaded

"buy our christmas trees"

mint sprints in boxes

cookies - "Chips Ahoy!" - chewy, striped,

sprinkled with sprinkles

& NEW!

Ritz - red boxes, golden brown crackers.

apple newtons (fruity and chewy),

fig newtons (yellow package, pale cookie)

cinnamon raisin nut, raspberry, strawberry

Oreos.

next aisle

cheese - pale yellow, golden, muenster, velveeta, american, weight watcher's

pickles sour & sweet

register

gray woman with blue basket

tabloids - Oprah! Cher!

“man born with no head!"

razor blades - steel, disposable

cigarettes - no minors!

christmas tree wreaths

thank you for shopping here.

once payment is rendered,

you may leave.

Elegy for Corn

Corn Pop was a friend of mine

We shared some fermented turpentine 

Before that, he was agonna kill me

My chain, it convinced him to befriend me

Oh Corn Pop

Oh Corn Pop

A thug who knifed many a lad

But he never knifed me

He was the best friend I ever had

The horse's shoes seek the shifting surface of the desert sands. In clouds of dry dust we ride.

Wingless Flicker

The albino snake fetus was shaking. His head, like his words, was jerking. A tenuous void sprouted from his mouth and ignited the fecal fumes discarded by his toilience. 

It could not rain. The sun began to flicker. Dolphins rotted.

Hope vomited but vowed to make a return.

Bedtime

Got to go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors that aren’t red.

Stay There

everybody goes to hell

we're all going to hell

pack your bible and pack your beer

we're hightailin' it to hell 

and the devil will be there

Some people got no choice

others always have known

when we hit the flames, 

we’re all on our own

Say Goodbye

The year will never end.

Like every year previous,

it will linger upon our existence.

Following each of us.

Stalking us. Ensuring we break.

Harvesting our energies.

Harvesting what remains of our souls.

Eventually, each and every year

Will continue beyond us

Not recognizing we ever inhaled,

Exhaled, digested, or cried

Until we are no more

And the years still will never end

So, happy new year!

Moon Itch

I'm climbing upon the underside of the moon.

All spidery legs and itchy too.

I am a circus without a tent,

a gambler without a working pair of dice.

Whosoever itches themselves itches me too.

waiting waiting waiting 

Phone Betrayal

I await a phone call.

The sky outside is gray.

I hear autos pass by on the street.

A set of brakes slightly squeals 

as though happy to slow down. 

I await the phone that never calls.

Tobacco Load

She’s got brown fingertips

And 3rd degree burns on her lips

She’s got ash tray breath

I’d kiss her more often but

I fear catching her death

She smokes like a chimney

putting the atom bomb to shame

But it’s not her fault

It’s nicotine to blame

sky purges itself

Grandma won’t open the door

Raindrops sting like darts

 

loud Seagulls cry out

Fish fry in oily sizzles

Coca-cola pops

Evening Blessed

It is dark outside

the sky has shut its eye

warming us gently

beneath its lid.

The Sound of Nature

This is the sound of nature

beating your soul to a pulp.

I apologize. I am mistaken.

This is the sound of humanity

beating your soul to a pulp.

Nature blithely lurks watching.

Whether in horror or agreement,

nature does nothing to indicate.

Nature makes no effort to prevent

your soul from becoming pulp.

Once done. When you are gone,

when you are just a stain of pulp,

Nature may have a taste, a gulp,

Or not

in a bar

in a bar,

just want to lift my glass, be left alone,

crawl inside the television set,

pull the screen up around my neck,

tuck myself in, and

be gone

[ Meanwhile, in another location entirely ]

I am your deity

said the pony to the snowman

it's time to get deliberate

and you are out of focus

=====   ADVERTISEMENT STARTS   =====

NEXT ON SUITS:

A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

=====   ADVERTISEMENT ENDS   =====

Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

23.

Okay, you filthy bonobos.

And, in the end,

The blood you shill

Is unequal to the blood

You spill

Stop shilling and spilling blood.

22.

As you all know, in the future I will have invented a time machine. I have 2 goals.

The first goal is to go back in time to the birth of each and every human ever born and to punch them in the face at birth. This is going to take some work. I will need a team of volunteers to aid me in this endeavor. Let me know if you’re interested.

The second goal is to go back in time and kill the first biped. Or maybe cage it so it can’t breed. It depends on whether it smiles or scowls upon my approaching it.

I understand some of you may feel that the first goal is pointless because once I succeed with the second goal, none of the babies we punched will be born. The point of the first goal is to work out the anger for my own peace of mind. Yours too. The entire experience will be highly therapeutic.

Sign up. If you do, we can discuss skipping your birth while carrying out the first mission.

Thank you. Have a nice day and be kind to others no matter what species they are other than human.

21.

Crap! These stupid hippies on the Enterprise (a federation vessel) are singing stupid songs and not wearing pants.

If I were Kirk, I would keelhaul my own stupid crew for giving those goddamned sons of rodents information that enabled the pantsless jerks to take control of the ship.

Then I’d keelhaul the crew again for appearing to enjoy the presence of Eden loving freaks to the point of being distracted from properly doing their jobs.

This is a Federation vessel, Gumby damn it!

20.

Dear humanoids,

While driving what is often referred to as a vehicle along a street today, I saw a sign that had the message:

“Caution

Children”

I became severely fearful, for I had had no idea that children are dangerous.

====  ====

I also had a confusing sight of a guy riding a bicycle which had giant tires on it.

I believe the bicycle should be *on* the tires.

Farewell

Farewell

Farewell

Or don’t fare at all.

19.

If ever I have touched you in any way, all I ask is that you wash your hands before returning the favor.

18.

If all the troubles of the world were kept under one hat, who would be elected to wear the hat?

17.

Peter Brady said you can’t join the school team if you have long hair or a mustache.

That leaves his sisters out.

16.

Facebook stinks to the point where I told my stupid cell phone to not allow Facebook to stalk me. One of facejerk’s arguments for stalking is that it enables local businesses to show me ads.

Anyone with 1/3 of a brain (like myself) has trained themselves since learning to walk to entirely ignore commercials and all advertisements except to use them as fodder for jokes.

P.S.

If you don’t know who your fodder is, you can ask your modder.

Also, P.S

Here be an ad:

                                    ====    WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     ====

COMCAST ONDEMAND

"Love Object"

2003 | R (FEARnet)

A writer suspects his sex doll has become jealous.

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15.

Hi,

I’m a nipple head. My head is made of nipples. I attach files with macros to my emails so they can be stopped by spam and ransomware filters.

Have a nippley day,

Thursty Nipplehead the Turd

14.

I needed to feel better earlier today so I pictured myself crying at my own funeral.

13.

Only a small number of people commit murder, but they are killer at it.

12.

I'm looking for a group to record my new hit song "I Don't Want to Spend Another Day (Listening to Your Bodily Functions)”

11.

Loving people can leave you feeling empty.

Eating them fills your belly

10.

Oh no!

John Wick is about to knock off 15,000 people!

Should I let him do it, or should I notify the authorities?

Wait. John’s victims are humans so I‘m going to offer him help.

9.

I gotta get into shape so bad it's killing me. I'm trying to do sit-ups and curls but I need something to work my balance and eye-hand coordination while building up my lungs. It occurred to me that boxing would be good. Then I saw a woman holding a baby and thought, "Babies", that's who I can box. 

I'm going to be boxing babies for sport and health. I've chosen babies because I think I can beat them. They're short and their little hands are kind of soft so I won't be getting hurt too badly.

Baby Boxing. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe if I smoke some crystal meth, I'll have the energy to open a nationwide baby boxing business.

Wish me luck!

Addendum:

After being severely beaten by babies, I now box squirrels. Or I try to. The bastards keep running away.

8.

Facebook has added 4 more corpses to your trunk.

7.

This is worse than that time Picard promoted Worf to head of security and Worf locked the ship doors and escape pods then lit the ship on fire 🔥!

6.

I received this notice from the makers of my psych med:

"Hello Assface,

BRINTELLIX is changing its name to TRINTELLIX. TRINTELLIX is the same depression treatment as BRINTELLIX, only with a new name."

5.

Smelly Salivas had awoken to the sound of his own stomach screaming in hunger. So he punched it.

Stay tuned for paragraph two.

4.

Farnsworth: “Backup. I don’t like people breathing on me when I’m eating.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry, Mr. Farnsworth, but everybody has to breathe somewhere.”

The Love Boat did return from that cruise eventually, but everyone on board was dead and the Coast Guard refused to touch the ship. Three weeks later, the U.S. Navy nuked the Love Boat.

3.

In the largest heart failure study ever, more people died of heart failure than gum disease.

2.

General Billingsly addressing a group of ex-military personnel.

"87,000 rounds of ammo fired and you didn't even hit a bystander? I'm changing your designation to The Lame-Team!”

1.

Do you like smiling and it makes you happy?

STOP IT!

Ads Without Distractions 23

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

 

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

The Walking Dead

Unknown episode.

Governor: 

"The first time we gathered there was nine of us holed up in an apartment with Spam and saltine crackers. Well look at us now!"

Someone in the Crowd: 

"We're all out of saltines you stupid incompetent loser! A monkey could run Woodbury better than you."

A different voice from the crowd: "Let's kill the freak!"

We see the crowd tear the governor’s face off and shove it up his butt.

Mad Men

Preview of S7.E14 Person to Person

I saw a preview of the final episode of Mad Men . Don is picked up by a UFO and tortured for his recipe for crystal meth. He can't convince the gray he doesn't have one but he gets the gray to break open a bottle of bourbon. The gray asks how Don keeps his hair looking so cool and Don says he parts it with a hatchet. The gray kills himself trying to emulate Don's cool. Don takes control of the ship but can't go back to new York because Nixon carpet bombed the city on the advice of Henry Kissinger. 

I missed a part of the preview but then I saw a shot of Nixon and Kissinger in a freeze frame of them laughing at their antics and Don is about to destroy the white house with them in it.

Then instead of normal period music playing over the ending, we hear the theme to CHiPs.

Gunsmoke

Season.episode unknown

A jerk on Gunsmoke was falsely convicted of killing his friend. The judge sentenced him to hang in Hayes in 30 days and the guy got all hyper saying he was innocent.

I don’t know what his problem was. From what I could tell, he had nothing going on. His wife considered him a jerk. He didn’t look well groomed as he had no one to impress. He didn’t seem to have any real interests. I think he just wasted his time hunting and trying to gyp people.

Everyone in town disliked him enough to convict him despite a lack of witnesses.

Seems like hanging wouldn’t be so bad. 

Maybe he could eat a bunch of candy before the hanging and the kids in Hayes could use him for a piñata.

(I’m considering firing myself for a total lack of background and detail concerning this recap)

Gunsmoke

S4.E19 Passive Resistance

Two assfaces on Gunsmoke killed a guy’s sheep. 24 innocent sheep died. Murdered by cow dicks. I seen it happen and I’m hoping those cow licking sons of bitches get what’s coming to them. I’m going to tell the Marshal myself. The sheep guy is a nice old man who wouldn’t hurt anybody. He’s so peaceful that he won’t talk for fear of someone being hurt.

He’s broke. Ain’t got no wool to sell.

Oh no! The cow humpers returned and burned the man’s house and barn! I didn’t see it happen so I can’t be a witness this time.

Crap! The asses are going to assault Gideon, the sheep guy. One of the cow pokers rode a horse and dragged him with a rope. The Marshal ain’t gonna let it go this time! No sirree (I don’t know how to spell that). Oh wait, he ain’t doing nothing because Gideon won’t talk.

Cattle jerkers suck. Always have. Always will.

Wait! One of the cow suckers is getting drunk in the Long Branch. Looks like the Marshal overheard enough to know what’s going down. Drunk cow puller told the Marshal he seen what his soulless, gutless, cow sucking friend did to the old man.

Ha ha! Cow pig got knocked off by the Marshal!

That was a rough episode.

Star Trek

 S1.E18 Arena

I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.

Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.

Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.

Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!

Is there anything Kirk can’t do?

Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.

Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.

Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.

Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.

Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!

Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.

You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

But not still enough.

Movie (film) 1951

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!

Starsky and Hutch

Random Episode, Unknown.

I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.

Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.

So the whacko shot a cop.

Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”

Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”

Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.

Suckahs!