Robot Fog
Hi, Robot here. I don't really need to introduce myself because I'm standing next to you.
Now look at the crappy graphic to the right and move on.
In reverse order:
30.
I fully intend to one day build a ladder to the stars and douse them one by one.
29.
Google stole my underwear and shared it with deranged phishers.
28.
I'm no longer interacting with humans, so I'm only sending out empty email messages.
27.
If you, like many people, are covered in corpses, you may be experiencing World War III. Notify your doctor if you are suffering from banned biochemical weapons, radiation poisoning due to exposure to a nuclear bomb or bombsite, shark bite, lead poisoning from bullet wounds, damaged organs due to torture, food poisoning, malnutrition due to lack of a reliable food source, and any other abnormal or irregular health issue due to the actions of cruel dishonorable tyrants and psychopaths.
26.
I’ve been farming humans for several decades now. I began as a ranch hand tossing them pasta and doughnuts to fatten them up. Eventually I got to drive them to slaughter which was pretty cool because I didn’t have to look at their stupid faces while they were packed in the back of the truck.
Now though, I’m working in the office and managing shipments from the ranch to slaughter and packaging facilities. Sometimes when a ranch hand is out sick, I go out and toss the filthy beasts some syrupy pancakes and carrots. The carrots are for vitamins. You can’t fatten humans on junk food alone. You don’t want a scurvy product. The market won’t tolerate it. The best you can do is to sell the degraded meat to pet food manufacturers or use it to feed your own beasts. Not the ones you breed. You have to be generous with your human breeding stock.
25.
An assfaced loser is on a midtown rooftop taking shots at people. The authorities are clearing the street before anyone is hurt. An officer is bravely carrying a young child along with the child’s dog to safety.
Once they are off the street and inside a building, the child asks the officer: “Why’s that man on the roof trying to kill people?”
Officer: “Have you ever met people?”
24.
WANTED: AQUAMAN
For sleeping with the fishes
23.
January 2020.
The CDC says more people have died smelling their own ass than have died from the Coronavirus
22.
New research shows older pregnant women are older than younger pregnant women. Science jerks are still trying to figure out why this is.
21.
Many people who’ve been in an accident have their underwear ripped off every day by medical staff in a local hospital.
If you’re in an accident and hurt badly, crawl into some bushes and avoid the paramedics.
Your underwear will thank you and you will retain your dignity
20.
Happy Kilmore was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to debt.
The judge meant to say "death" but had his financial troubles on his mind and misspoke. Unfortunately for Happy Kilmore, the sentence had to stand as stated and could not be corrected. He found himself immediately released from custody with the responsibility of paying all the bills for everyone ever born.
19.
Computers are taking up 67,098,566 pages of my suicide note.
18.
Show: Charlie’s Angels
Episode: “Angel in Love”
Aired: 1977
Hildy Slater runs Utopia West, a human potential enterprise/resort. When her nephew Frank, a Vietnam vet, is murdered on site, she calls the Townsend Agency to solve the crime because police departments didn’t exist in the 1970’s.
17.
A form at the Registry of motor vehicles:
Have you had any accidents while driving in the last two years?
Me:
I never drive without intending to have an accident
16.
Every day in North America, dozens of people are murdered…
We welcome tourists
============= WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT =============
Shoes & shirt required
============= ADVERTISEMENT ENDS =============
15.
I watched Blood Simple last night (1984) and there was a scene with a real gas station. I think the gasoline was $1.04 per gallon. I’m not sure I can read Texan.
All I could think of were the crybabies now who weep uncontrollably for each penny the price of gasoline rises despite the fact that they can save money by not driving all over the continent and the fact that, for every mile they drive, they cause the amount of fossil fuels to decline more quickly.
Signed,
Robot, Hater of humans
14. A poll:
Shhh. The Poll begins:
Question: Does your dick touch your butt?
A. - Yes
B. - No
C. - I don’t have a dick.
D. - I don’t have a butt.
E. - That’s between me and my doctors and the law prevents them from talking.
F. - My dick used to touch my butt until it was eventually convicted for it.
G. - My dick will touch my butt once I cut it off and drop it in the back of my underwear.
H. - Sadly, My butt touches my dick.
I. - I’m going to touch your face with my butt.
J. - My dick touched my butt once but my butt began to run.
13.
Foog Scriggleman was feeling great. Things were looking up. He had just discovered that if he met someone who liked him and they dated for at least 3 years, he might have sex. The last time he had sex was 5 years ago when he had been trapped on an elevator alone for three minutes.
12.
On Wheel of Fortune tonight, a woman contestant said, "your face is a pile of shit, Pat"
Sajak became pissed and told the woman to get the hell off the stage and out of the studio. She was crying but she left.
Then Pat turned to the audience, "well that game was ruined by that disgusting and rude woman. Vanna, please turn the letters over so we can see what the puzzle was before moving onto the next one"
When the letters were turned, the phrase said "your face is a pile of shit, Pat"
11.
There should be no more than 10 people living on any one continent.
10.
Once-daily ANORO is a prescription medicine used to treat chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).
Do not use Anoro if you have no Anoro.
* having no Anoro may cause a lack of Anoro.
** Anoro is affordable if you have the cash.
*** Buy no Anoro, get no Anoro free.
9. Lab Menace
The pizza box was sprayed with a fine layer of urine which does absolutely nothing to help in revealing fingerprints or recovering DNA. The lab technician was fired.
8.
The first 1 minute of Batman vs Superman made me laugh at the Waynes being murdered.
So, I’m thinking the rest of the film isn’t going to happen for me.
Maybe someday, an adult will make a Batman movie where we don’t have to see Bruce’s parents die for the 9 millionth time.
It did help that I enjoyed seeing Negan get shot. I’ve been wanting to stab him myself for several years.
So, does this turn you on?
Adults. Do they exist?
7.
Remember that time Commander Taylor set off the Alpha and Omega weapon? Why didn’t the jerk do it before traveling into the future?
If you don’t know who Taylor is, maybe you should try reading some history books
6.
A large group of turkeys crossed the road when I was driving another machine home. I stopped when I saw that only several of the group had crossed my side but there were many more in a yard that wanted to cross. I wouldn’t have stopped if it had been people but these were turkeys. The turkeys remaining in the yard checked that I had really stopped completely then stepped in front of my car and continued crossing. Turkeys trust me and I trust them.
There were 18 birds. I can only count up to three so I counted three turkeys at a time six times. I think. I had run out of fingers to count on.
It was soothing. I hope they enjoy themselves.
5.
I didn't have my phone and I've been trying to figure out the date today but when I ask people, they say, "Happy Independence day" or "It's independence day".
Well they can all go to hell. I just want to know the fucking date.
4.
Obit for Hans
Hans Gruber was a friend of mine. He tried to rob a skyscraper of $640 million in negotiable bearer bonds so he could have more money. Hans deserved more money in his life. He was killed by a shoeless cop. Hans, you are forever with me despite the fact that you weren't going to share your robbery money. Hang down yer heads, folks. Hang down yer heads for Hans Gruber.
3.
Being Borg must be good. There's never-ending work and you can modify yourself to better meet the needs of the tasks you perform. Some people say they prefer "free will". Free will is a fallacy. You wake up in the morning and have to decide whether to shower or to eat first. And, thus, the ever vaunted 'free will' is reduced to a decision between grooming and sustenance. Flesh machine maintenance is for chumps.
2.
1.
I think kids should be referred to as 'kiddles', you know, like puddles, but messier.
