Wednesday, January 4, 2023

Fast, Slow, Shut-up and let me get some sleep

Fast, Slow, Shut-up and let me get some sleep

Hey everyone. Jack Human here. I just want you to know that I love you all, and am thinking of all of you even if you can't see it in your hearts to pass me a half a tuna sandwich or allow me the simple comfort of spending one or two nights sleeping in your car.

Today's story begins with the discovery that automobiles have wheels. Since this discovery, my editor has decided that maybe I should go out into the real world rather than staying under my own desk making up facts concerning stories about things that I know nothing about. Personally, I believe this to be simple office politics. However, wanting to collect an actual paycheck this week as opposed to the IOUs I've been receiving and that are now stacking up higher upon my desk than the many years of awards that I have won through my own hard work at stealing from others, I decided to go out today and bring down the MOB. Not the criminal mob that we are always hearing about and are always watching being maligned in the news. The mob I was after was the mob of idiots who go far out of their way to purchase vehicles, or to purchase good wheels for their vehicles, when they know that this will just make them more demanding and possibly even more dangerous on the road.

I have discovered in my many years of reporting the news (rather than having to live a life like everyone else), that a great many people use the roadways in our communities. I have often seen drivers speeding along at ridiculous and uncalled for speeds (burning rubber, you might say), sometimes, they do the opposite and run their powerful vehicles at a snail's pace until a loud commercial on the radio awakens them upon which, being jolted, they humorlessly spill their excessively hot beverages in their laps. I must admit that I have often gained a slight satisfaction at watching some ruffian of the road sit and squirm in agony while I merrily glide by traveling at the proper speed so as to not cause excessive wear in my wheel gear. I often imagine that the poor soul may even learn some small lesson, not merely through his onerous experience, but also upon viewing the imperially smooth sneer I affect upon my countenance just for his sake. For, no matter how torrid, horrid, or meaningless my journalism may appear to be on its face, I do strive to somehow impart a little wisdom in the hope that I too, along with chocolate milk and Frisbees, will make a small improvement in that part of the world which is most immediate to myself and to those with whom I unfortunately sometimes come in contact.

I fear that I must admit to being nearly finished with this story. It satisfies the demands of my thug of an editor who is of an opinion that my stories should be about something which concerns many people (and may even effect their lives), or that my stories ought to be about something new and exciting and evened with a pinch of my own personal opinion, or that my stories should at the very least be about something that is true.

I believe that I have met the 3rd criteria due to the fact that many people actually do use the community roadways each day.

Thus, even while I go back under my desk for inspiration in order to write another story in the future, I can consider my score with my editor, I mean, the reader, to be one that I have most honestly kept by reminding you all to drive carefully. Unless I'm at home, then you can kill yourselves for all I care.

Jack Human