Memories of Jack Human
1. Corn Friend
I was hanging out with my friend Corn Cobb. We were discussing my bro, Corn Pop. Corn Pop borrowed 3 bucks from me for some M&Ms but really used the bread for some twizzlers. I felt betrayed.
Corn Cobb thought I should contact our mutual buddy, Corn Bread, who had an associate named Corn Muffin. It was at this time I told Corn Cobb that I felt I should just refer to he and his friends as “the corns”, however, Corn Cobb responded that he would be required by Corn law to pop my head off if I did so.
So Cobb called Bread who thought to contact Corn Stalk, Kernel Corn, Candy Corn and Corn Ear. Things might have gone well, however, none of us had considered an actual plan of action. Initially, we thought we should ask for the 3 dollars back, but then Kernel Corn insisted we take the twizzlers. I explained I don’t like twizzlers and Kernel said they would all happily trade me some Corn Whiskey for the twizzlers. This seemed reasonable to me so I agreed.
Candy Corn suggested we call her old friend Corn Syrup because Corn Syrup really liked twizzlers.
So we all went out front and waited for Corn Pop to arrive. We figured everything was going to be cool when Corn Pop appeared with his wife, Corn Meal, and their children, the Corn Flakes.
Corn Cobb asked Corn Pop for the twizzlers and Corn Pop replied, “fuck off, you cornfucker, this is between me and Corn E.” (Me).
I said, “Pop it easy, Corn, Cobb is just trying to help. He’s got your cash. And soon I’m going to be hitting the bottle.”
Corn Pop said to Corn Cobb, “Sorry, Cobb. It’s been a tough day.”
So we made the exchange.
A memory by Jack Human
2. Corn Sale
So I called my friend, Corn Beef. He said a guy named Ice Corn had a ride for sail. I said, “you mean, for SALE, Bro?” And he said no and why don’t I just shut the hell up and listen? Ice Corn was willing to trade his car for a real sail. He had a sail boat but he didn’t know the sail was supposed to be attached and it blew away.
I didn’t need no car but this chump, Corn Cube, did. Cube was a chump because whenever he wanted to take public transportation, he would pay for tokens instead of just scooting under the back of some stupid tourist’s wicked long rain coat and sneaking onto the train.
I brought Corn Beef over to meet with Corn Cube but Cube didn’t have no sail, though. He attempted to pass off a sheet as a sail but we all knew the difference because the sheet was a cheap 300 thread one and any fool knows sails are at least 800 threads.
Beef looked at me and said, “Hey, Corn E! You think Vanilla Corn will have a sail?” I said I don’t think so. Vanilla Corn didn’t like being on the water. All his vacations were in the dessert which explained his severe Hyperglycemia and general lack of funds due to daily vacations.
Corn Beef said I was useless as usual and that he was going to put an ad on Craig’s list. I suggested he be careful because I used the Internet once and someone tried to stalk me.
A memory by Jack Human
3. Dollars for Dollars
I asked someone at work today (today is the day before tomorrow) if the vending machines take ten dollar bills. He said yes. That surprised me. I thought vending machines only accepted quarters.
I didn’t have ten $1.00 bills so I tried one $10.00 bill. I expected the machine to hurl it back in my face but it swallowed the bill despite the bill being defaced by the number 10.
I purchased a gluten free item. Later I discovered the item not only entirely lacked gluten but wasn’t even free. Anyway, the machine threw 8 coins at me. I yelled at the guy who told me to expect the machine to take ten dollars for lying about it and I whipped the coins at him.
Then I realized that tomorrow is the day after today.
