Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts
8.
Stamps with Batman on them! Now I don't have to have stupid designs or famous people who wasted their lives curing polio on my mail.
7.
Okay. I have my bucket list made up and number 1 on the list is “die”
Followed by “die” 57 more times and then, finally, “bathe in chocolate ice cream”.
6.
You want to know what’s better than nothing?
Nothing.
5.
I am a saint! If there is a heaven, rest assured that I am getting in! I am a naturally kind, empathic and compassionate person. I always put others first and always stick to my morals and values. The world is a better place because I am in it!
You jerks.
4.
I am definitely a walking dictionary! Over time, I’ve been able to build a repertoire of beautiful words because there's more to life than very nice. My vocabulary, unlike yours, is rich and wide as the pacific ocean. When I encounter an unfamiliar word, I make it a point to look up its meaning and try to incorporate this new found word in a sentence because you weasels aren’t going to it for me.
(I apologize for referring to you all as weasels. Weasels deserve better.)
3.
I don't understand naming your kid after yourself.
"I'm great. I'm naming you after me because I'm so great. Have I told you I'm great?
ego ego ego
I'm so great you don't even deserve your own name and identity. Hey everybody! Have you met this person who I named after myself because I'm great?
I'm going to name my tea pot after me because why should I stop at naming my stupid kids after me?
Then I'm going to change my wife's name to my own.
ego ego ego
My name is so meaningful. I'm so great. I'm proud to be me."
2.
I saw a few seconds of an old interview with Jeffrey Dahmer. After inspecting his face, I'd have to say that cannibalism isn't that good for your skin. One more good reason to respond "NO!" when someone says "Eat Me".
1.
My skit about the BP oil spill:
I understand that some time has passed since the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. However, I believe it would be funny to have a skit where a BP manager guy is using the poisonous oil to lube up for sex with whatever animal stands in for the walrus down there. Maybe the animal would be dead and the guy would be doing 'it' when his phone rings, and it's his wife calling. All we, the audience, hear from him is "Hello Dear.", and then, a moment later, "No. No. It's business as usual." Then, just for overkill, an oiled up Pelican flies up the guy's behind and we see his hair spinning around on his head and hear the sound of a kazoo.
