Jack Human’s 5th Shorts

Jack Human’s 5th Shorts

Short enough to reach your ankles

30.

If I were Kyle Reese, the jerk sent back to 1984 to save Sarah Connor, the moment I heard the crappy 80’s music, I would have quit.

No wonder the machines hate humans.

29.

Everyone who is lying -- your pants are on fire!

28.

I firmly believe that, if I'm good enough, a demon will occasionally toss water on me as I burn in hell.

27.

Thrill as Jump Cuts releases our latest production:

“Banana-Man: Man of Peel”

26.

There are advertisements for Lume Body Deodorant by the woman who created it.

In one of the ads, did Lume lady refer to the vag as a thigh-fold, or a thigh-hole?

I’m becoming confused.

I can’t remember what she referred to the dink area as in the Mando commercial. I think she also referred to male butt cracks too, but if she’s an ogbyn, how does she know men have butt cracks? Wouldn’t all her patients be women?

Maybe I should have done something other than jerk it during sex education class.

25.

"Courage! You know nothing about courage! Have you ever been asked to take a sip from someone's drink at a picnic?"

24.

If you want children to be quiet, stop teaching them to speak.

23.

I heard if you eat the living heart taken from any creature, you take the creature's power, so I ate the heart of a bird expecting to fly but all I did was crap myself and fall down. Next time I'm going to try turkey heart instead of chicken.

22.

I hate being in a rut, so sometimes I get dressed before I take a shower.

21.

That sandwich I just ate.

I'm looking at it like, "This tuna looks like shit. Why's it THAT brown?"

Then I realized we don't have tuna so I was thinking, "Well chicken salad shouldn't look like this either. And why is the mayonnaise so thick? This is messed up. I'm not eating this."

Then as I was preparing to complain, it occurred to me that it was fluffernutter and not mayonnaise. And I'm like, "Well, what's this other stuff?"

And it hit me it is peanut-butter. 

Or was peanut-butter because I ate the sandwich and, like my soul, it no longer exists.

20.

The year flies by

The day drags

19.

A documentary titled The Grey is on. It’s the true story of a jerk who prevents wolves from eating a number of savage humans because the jerk wants to eat the other humans himself in case they don’t make it to a convenience store where he can buy some M&Ms.

A decent human would just share the other humans with the goddamned wolves.

Eventually, the surviving wolves are informed that human bodies are polluted with dangerous medications, artificial chemical additives in their garbage meals, unhealthy skin lotions, and inhaled heavy carbon emissions along with tobacco and cheap methamphetamines. The surviving wolves say, “fuck this”, and signal a decent species in another solar system to come take them the hell off of earth which they determine is a planet that doesn’t deserve a capitalized name.

18.

One time when I was a cop we needed to open the door of a house quickly so I kicked it really hard. The door didn’t break open but my leg broke completely off. I picked up the leg and leaned on it like a cane and kind of hobbled back to the sidewalk where I waited for an ambulance. The other cops killed everyone inside the house and went home. But, as usual, we were at the wrong address and the ambulance never arrived for me. Three days later I died on the sidewalk.

17.

It's a really great feeling being outside and I don't feel like killing myself. I'm making an appointment with my therapist to correct that.

16.

I found a hole in my head and then fell into it.

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15.

Hi, I'm a Hollywood jerk and I'm looking for some white jerks to play the parts of an Asian, an African American, and a Native American.

I also need a white guy to play the female lead.

14.

How am I supposed to stop my corpse from biting people when I'm dead? 😰

13.

Nothing except everything compares to you.

12.

Today I ordered $700.00 of ghost porn over the internets. I love ghost porn, but I'm going to have to hire a ghost whisperer to tell me what they're doing. The company I purchased it from said it will just look like travelogues and real estate video's to someone who is not a spiritualist.

11.

Hi,

   I know you come here to read about the releases of my exciting jump cut movies but today I want to discuss a project in which I act rather than direct. 

   In this exciting film, I play the part of an 87 year old who has a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Sometimes it’s sunny outside when we stand next to our home and other times darkness leers upon the outside of the house while we sleep inside. Despite being 87 years old, I also have brown hair!

   The most exciting part of this project is that I refuse to act for any director other than myself and I wanted to concentrate on my acting so I didn’t bother with cameras or recording in any way.

   The project will be in theaters soon. So remember not to bring snacks because the team working the lobby need your support since my production company siphons every penny possible from the theater owners who pocket as much as possible before stiffing their own employees.

   Come to think of it, I get to keep all the money I would have given my lead actor in order to keep it out of the hands of theater employees.

   Due to our innovative use of no cameras, this is the greatest of all jump cut movies ever produced! Jump cuts too fast for the eye to grasp!

   Guaranteed not one scene you will regret viewing. The most comprehensively visually perfect movie you, or anyone who steals your wallet and comes to the show, will ever see!

10.

I was taking my pants off when I suddenly realized I wasn’t wearing pants. I totally needed to get sewn back up but I realized that doctors are expensive. I considered getting a seamstress to sew my skin back on but I don’t think seamstresses even exist anymore. So I found a hooker who did the job for $25.00. I considered it a gyp but figured there was no choice. On the positive side, the hooker said she also does tire rotations for $15.00. I’m going to ask what it would cost to maybe patch up my lower body where the skin didn’t quite line up. My stupid faucet is leaking too.

9.

I think it sucks that after you die, you can’t stay in your home.

8.

It’s not true romance if someone doesn’t get stuck with the bill.

7.

Time Crime:

Time heals all wounds

After having caused the wounds

Time is a jerk

Time wounds all heels

Time is a commotion
Which ends in a bore

Without the E

Time is Tim

Time is stalking you!

Time wears running shoes

Time will run out on you.

6.

BEWITCHED:

Samantha falls in love with New York ad exec Darren Stephens who promptly attempts to coerce Sam to deny her nature and conform to his vision of what a woman should be.

She guts him with a talking bed warmer

5.

Jump Cuts Productions is pleased to announce our first foray into a weekly tv show titled “Jerked by an Angel”.

It’s the weekly story of an angel assigned to jerk people’s strings and manipulate their emotional well-being through the use of heavenly powers in order to coerce characters to conform to God’s expectations rather than trusting individuals to find their own way in an often confusing and brutal world which God created to begin with.

The audience will thrill on a weekly basis as Jump Cut Productions applies our own unique jump cut take on stories guaranteed to excite and confuse the viewer.

Thrill as a teenager on drugs drives into a dumpster and bursts into flames while an angel laughs!

Tune in or we’ll telemarket and robocall you!

4.

I recall that when I was a child, people kept their telephones attached to a wall or floorboard in order to prevent the telephones from being stolen. It was common for people to take the telephones of others because, telephones were of great value, as opposed to now when telephones are worthless and no one even cares if they lose one. From what I hear, some people prefer their phones to be stolen now due to the relentless and needless interruption of their daily lives.

3.

Join me in hating Google.

2.

A crazy crackhead broad is trying to sell her baby for $5,000.00 on the television show “In the Heat of the Night”. The broad’s boyfriend wants $500.00. The baby just wants clean diapers.

They probably should check the market to see what price they should be charging.

I saw a sign about human trafficking in the emergency room at the hospital but it didn’t say where to find a dealer.

1.

Why make eggs the old fashioned way relying on a stupid chicken when you can lay your eggs yourself?