Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains. 
19.
I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.
I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.
Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?
I totally hate newspapers.
18.
I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.
7.
I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.
6.
As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.
This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.
This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”
Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential
If not existential.
5.
If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.
4.
I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”
There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.
3.
Dan Diarrhea was running late...
2.
I was born.
If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...
I weep.
1.
Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.
Then I’ll punch them. And you.
