Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

 Jack Human’s Eighth Shorts

15.

Oh no! A lady on tv said the F word but they bleeped it so I have no evidence to take that channel to court!

(The F word begins with the letter F)

14.

Last night I broke into 3 homes. I found dishes in the sinks in each home so I washed the dishes in 2 houses but not the 3rd house because there was a dishwashing machine there. Fuck them

13.

Life cannot be previewed because there is no previewer installed for it.

12.

Sometimes I like to pretend I don't have opposable thumbs.

11.

Anyone who wants to marry me should let me know. So that I may have you committed.

10.

I took my children out today to feed them... to a crocodile

9.

I have to go to bed. If anyone wants to talk to me, come stand outside my bedroom window.

8.

Stamps with Batman on them! Now I don't have to have stupid designs or famous people who wasted their lives curing polio on my mail.

[photo removed due to blogger’s inadequate ability to allow a copy and paste]

7.

Okay. I have my bucket list made up and number 1 on the list is “die”

Followed by “die” 57 more times and then, finally, “bathe in chocolate ice cream”.

6.

You want to know what’s better than nothing?

Nothing.

5.

I am a saint! If there is a heaven, rest assured that I am getting in! I am a naturally kind, empathic and compassionate person. I always put others first and always stick to my morals and values. The world is a better place because I am in it!

You jerks.

4.

I am definitely a walking dictionary! Over time, I’ve been able to build a repertoire of beautiful words because there's more to life than very nice. My vocabulary, unlike yours, is rich and wide as the pacific ocean. When I encounter an unfamiliar word, I make it a point to look up its meaning and try to incorporate this new found word in a sentence because you weasels aren’t going to it for me.

(I apologize for referring to you all as weasels. Weasels deserve better.)

3.

I don't understand naming your kid after yourself.

"I'm great. I'm naming you after me because I'm so great. Have I told you I'm great?

ego ego ego 

I'm so great you don't even deserve your own name and identity. Hey everybody! Have you met this person who I named after myself because I'm great?

I'm going to name my tea pot after me because why should I stop at naming my stupid kids after me? 

Then I'm going to change my wife's name to my own.

ego ego ego

My name is so meaningful. I'm so great. I'm proud to be me."

2.

I saw a few seconds of an old interview with Jeffrey Dahmer. After inspecting his face, I'd have to say that cannibalism isn't that good for your skin. One more good reason to respond "NO!" when someone says "Eat Me".

1.

My skit about the BP oil spill:

I understand that some time has passed since the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. However, I believe it would be funny to have a skit where a BP manager guy is using the poisonous oil to lube up for sex with whatever animal stands in for the walrus down there. Maybe the animal would be dead and the guy would be doing 'it' when his phone rings, and it's his wife calling. All we, the audience, hear from him is "Hello Dear.", and then, a moment later, "No. No. It's business as usual." Then, just for overkill, an oiled up Pelican flies up the guy's behind and we see his hair spinning around on his head and hear the sound of a kazoo.

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie     <---  mutilated French

Chickenfish

 

 

There was a salted salmon

who walked to be accepted.

He was discovered in his misery

by a band of hungry drifters

who stopped, and one said,

“You haven’t got a chance,

so forget your silly pride.

Get inside our frying pan.”

 

Without giving it any thought

the salmon jumped right in.

Now, wasn't that a silly salmon?

My responsibilities don't lie elsewhere. They lie everywhere. My responsibilities are creeping burdens unable to refuse themselves the opportunity to become entangled with whatever comes their way. I just wish they would lie still for once.

Life ate my face. I'm wondering 

if I should drip from the sky

This dyslexia,

it's just my point of view
My pupils dilate with hunger.
I look upon body parts stacked inside makeshift shelters.
I look upon lights that attract me but don't show me the way
Many more days of this and my stomach will refuse substance.
Synthetic food products priced beyond my means.
I wandered the woodsy area by the roadside and ate some butterflies,
some ants, scrawny raspberries, and a couple grasshoppers.
I ate all I could and hoped to find some coins.
There were no coins, There was an old Timex that wouldn't rewind.
I kept nothing to share.

When I hook up with someone, we will forage together

and share only that which we together find.
We will be blind to all but what we can scavenge.

Let us start with a disruptive advertisement:

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Ain’t got no brain

No soul

A grimy savage prances upon the smellivision speaking of tweaks of which he is unfamiliar

Bloviating like a ho bag ready to pump another guy for a rock of crack

News not news not even a joke

No bats in the belfry. Just rat shit and an odor unlike any other 

A foreign dud stands by the American crud before empty headed cameras 

Failure

Oh look. An “off” button

 

'tis a sour ending indeed

=======================

a faceless enemy

drops his full weight upon

  the bayonet

  that pierces

  my lung

I kick once, and,

with an endless shudder

my entire life passes

through my bladder

gotta go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors other than red.

"i must have whiskey,

i'm so damned thirsty.", he bellowed,

though his throat wasn't at all dry.

what would he have said instead

if he could only have seen

his liver turning green

and the blood seeping

through his stomach lining.

he painted her a yellow rose

to hang upon her bedroom wall

she truly loved him heart & soul

and taught him how to crawl

they had no time to self-destruct

so instead they just imploded

afterwards, whenever he spoke

his words were always loaded

"buy our christmas trees"

mint sprints in boxes

cookies - "Chips Ahoy!" - chewy, striped,

sprinkled with sprinkles

& NEW!

Ritz - red boxes, golden brown crackers.

apple newtons (fruity and chewy),

fig newtons (yellow package, pale cookie)

cinnamon raisin nut, raspberry, strawberry

Oreos.

next aisle

cheese - pale yellow, golden, muenster, velveeta, american, weight watcher's

pickles sour & sweet

register

gray woman with blue basket

tabloids - Oprah! Cher!

“man born with no head!"

razor blades - steel, disposable

cigarettes - no minors!

christmas tree wreaths

thank you for shopping here.

once payment is rendered,

you may leave.

Elegy for Corn

Corn Pop was a friend of mine

We shared some fermented turpentine 

Before that, he was agonna kill me

My chain, it convinced him to befriend me

Oh Corn Pop

Oh Corn Pop

A thug who knifed many a lad

But he never knifed me

He was the best friend I ever had

The horse's shoes seek the shifting surface of the desert sands. In clouds of dry dust we ride.

Wingless Flicker

The albino snake fetus was shaking. His head, like his words, was jerking. A tenuous void sprouted from his mouth and ignited the fecal fumes discarded by his toilience. 

It could not rain. The sun began to flicker. Dolphins rotted.

Hope vomited but vowed to make a return.

Bedtime

Got to go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors that aren’t red.

Stay There

everybody goes to hell

we're all going to hell

pack your bible and pack your beer

we're hightailin' it to hell 

and the devil will be there

Some people got no choice

others always have known

when we hit the flames, 

we’re all on our own

Say Goodbye

The year will never end.

Like every year previous,

it will linger upon our existence.

Following each of us.

Stalking us. Ensuring we break.

Harvesting our energies.

Harvesting what remains of our souls.

Eventually, each and every year

Will continue beyond us

Not recognizing we ever inhaled,

Exhaled, digested, or cried

Until we are no more

And the years still will never end

So, happy new year!

Moon Itch

I'm climbing upon the underside of the moon.

All spidery legs and itchy too.

I am a circus without a tent,

a gambler without a working pair of dice.

Whosoever itches themselves itches me too.

waiting waiting waiting 

Phone Betrayal

I await a phone call.

The sky outside is gray.

I hear autos pass by on the street.

A set of brakes slightly squeals 

as though happy to slow down. 

I await the phone that never calls.

Tobacco Load

She’s got brown fingertips

And 3rd degree burns on her lips

She’s got ash tray breath

I’d kiss her more often but

I fear catching her death

She smokes like a chimney

putting the atom bomb to shame

But it’s not her fault

It’s nicotine to blame

sky purges itself

Grandma won’t open the door

Raindrops sting like darts

 

loud Seagulls cry out

Fish fry in oily sizzles

Coca-cola pops

Evening Blessed

It is dark outside

the sky has shut its eye

warming us gently

beneath its lid.

The Sound of Nature

This is the sound of nature

beating your soul to a pulp.

I apologize. I am mistaken.

This is the sound of humanity

beating your soul to a pulp.

Nature blithely lurks watching.

Whether in horror or agreement,

nature does nothing to indicate.

Nature makes no effort to prevent

your soul from becoming pulp.

Once done. When you are gone,

when you are just a stain of pulp,

Nature may have a taste, a gulp,

Or not

in a bar

in a bar,

just want to lift my glass, be left alone,

crawl inside the television set,

pull the screen up around my neck,

tuck myself in, and

be gone

[ Meanwhile, in another location entirely ]

I am your deity

said the pony to the snowman

it's time to get deliberate

and you are out of focus

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A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

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Robot Fog’s Fourth Shorts

Robot Fog’s Fourth Shorts

26.

If you find it sad that you get wet whenever you sit in a tub of water, just remember that your anus is in there with you.

😧

25.

Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty is a word. Spell uvulopalatopharyngoplasty.

24.

I don’t like to ask anyone for help,

so,

I DEMAND it!

23.

We aim to please.

Or at minimum to maim.

22.

If your hooker doesn't kill you, your spouse will. So what have you got to lose?

21.

In Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, the circus guy told Caesar how dangerous it is for him if filthy humans find out he is the son of the 2 apes who came back from the future. Then he showed Caesar a statue of a dog and cat and gave a speech to the "dumb" ape about how a virus killed all the pets.

He did this on a public street as if no one is going to wonder why he's giving a history lesson to a dumb animal.

Humans are idiots. I suggest you avoid them.

20.

If I had a fortune, I’d leave it to my cat on condition that she scratch the eyeballs out of my grown children.

19.

Some people are born beautiful. And I hate them. It’s been suggested that I hate ugly people instead but that’s me. It’s my turn to cry.

18.

When introduced to carnivores, I always assume a slight smile.

17.

Is hepatitis B a thing now? How do you put yourself at risk? Do you have to eat undercooked human organs or do mosquitoes give it to you?

Do mosquitoes want anything in return if they give you hepatitis B?

Does it make you hep to call it hep B?

16.

I was watching 2 people having sex and I became disgusted so I screamed, “I’ve seen goats do it better!” and left their house. I wanted to get to my car quickly so I climbed out a different window than the one through which I had entered.

15.

People say don’t hate. I say hate everybody along with their choice in clothing, music, films, politics, philosophy, food & beverages, general consumer choices, cologne, along with the sounds they make when they eat, breathe, poop, pee, and sleep.

Show me someone you don’t hate and I’ll show you a jerk.

14.

This here nickel. It don't make much cents.

13.

Some people say you shouldn't hate. I hate those people.

12.

When Quinn the Eskimo gets here, you're all going down for murder.

11.

Sometimes, while all of you are sleeping, I am roaming the earth in search of one of my socks.

10.

What the hell is up with the empire striking back? What’s the big deal that they lost a Death Star? It’s got the word death right in the name. Shouldn’t they have expected the Death Star to be destroyed? I don’t see where the empire gets off expecting death objects to be around forever. The empire is run by jerks

9.

When microstink

Asks you to sync

Say “no, you fink”

8.

I was wondering, "Who would Jesus kill?" and then someone suggested to me, "Who would Elvis kill?" And now I'm stuck. Who would Elvis kill? I have no answer to that. You could argue he killed himself but the question really is "who would Elvis kill (other than himself)?"

7.

A butcher is simply someone who sells body parts.

6.

The series American Crime Stories created a season titled “The Assassination of Gianni Versace”

Because, the other less rich and famous victims of the serial killer are meaningless.

5.

In 2012, my wife and I were at Sears and had to wait ten minutes for the register boy to ask a woman whether she was carrying a variety of cards. He even held up some pants (or, drawers, or britches) and said, "you don't wear petites, do you? We have a department of petites." Then he went on about points, discounts, and a pile of other vonny cal.

When it was our turn, I placed a revolver right up against his left eye and said, "Take the cash and bag the shirts or you won't be finding the left side of your face until you get reincarnated... as something with a face."

It went smoothly.

4.

Don’t like living with hang nails?

Stop living!

3.

Krekor Ohanian, Archibald Leach, Gregor Samsa, Kip Kinkel, and Leon Czolgosz all walk into a bar together. The bartender turns to the bouncer and says, "We don't serve booze to no fictional characters. T'row dat one mook da hell oughta here!"

Who does the bouncer bounce?

2.

Xfinity:

“Share the excitement.

Share Xfinity.

Refer friends to Xfinity and you can get up to $500 in Visa® Prepaid Cards each year. Just click the link to sign up for the program, share your unique referral code and get paid when your friends order online using your code. Your friends can get rewarded, too!”

————————————-

How about just charging less to begin with, you fuck faced weasels?

1.

Poop! I just watched an episode of Star Trek: The Next to the Last Generation because I thought it was the full insanely classic finale. It wasn’t. I forgot the finale is two episodes and this is episode 1 of the two which will require me to pay attention and choose the same station tomorrow. I keep wondering why Jean Luc thinks Q is going to knock off humanity. Besides, who cares if he does? It leaves more space for those quatloos jerks and reduces the likelihood of passing through a toll booth. Everything always has to be about the stupid humans. Me me me. The humees.

You exist. You don’t exist. One condition contains more burden than the other while also increasing the likelihood that you may accidentally view a reality show.

Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

19.

If ever I have touched you in any way, all I ask is that you wash your hands before returning the favor.

18.

If all the troubles of the world were kept under one hat, who would be elected to wear the hat?

17.

Peter Brady said you can’t join the school team if you have long hair or a mustache.

That leaves his sisters out.

16.

Facebook stinks to the point where I told my stupid cell phone to not allow Facebook to stalk me. One of facejerk’s arguments for stalking is that it enables local businesses to show me ads.

Anyone with 1/3 of a brain (like myself) has trained themselves since learning to walk to entirely ignore commercials and all advertisements except to use them as fodder for jokes.

P.S.

If you don’t know who your fodder is, you can ask your modder.

Also, P.S

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15.

Hi,

I’m a nipple head. My head is made of nipples. I attach files with macros to my emails so they can be stopped by spam and ransomware filters.

Have a nippley day,

Thursty Nipplehead the Turd

14.

I needed to feel better earlier today so I pictured myself crying at my own funeral.

13.

Only a small number of people commit murder, but they are killer at it.

12.

I'm looking for a group to record my new hit song "I Don't Want to Spend Another Day (Listening to Your Bodily Functions)”

11.

Loving people can leave you feeling empty.

Eating them fills your belly

10.

Oh no!

John Wick is about to knock off 15,000 people!

Should I let him do it, or should I notify the authorities?

Wait. John’s victims are humans so I‘m going to offer him help.

9.

I gotta get into shape so bad it's killing me. I'm trying to do sit-ups and curls but I need something to work my balance and eye-hand coordination while building up my lungs. It occurred to me that boxing would be good. Then I saw a woman holding a baby and thought, "Babies", that's who I can box. 

I'm going to be boxing babies for sport and health. I've chosen babies because I think I can beat them. They're short and their little hands are kind of soft so I won't be getting hurt too badly.

Baby Boxing. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe if I smoke some crystal meth, I'll have the energy to open a nationwide baby boxing business.

Wish me luck!

Addendum:

After being severely beaten by babies, I now box squirrels. Or I try to. The bastards keep running away.

8.

Facebook has added 4 more corpses to your trunk.

7.

This is worse than that time Picard promoted Worf to head of security and Worf locked the ship doors and escape pods then lit the ship on fire 🔥!

6.

I received this notice from the makers of my psych med:

"Hello Assface,

BRINTELLIX is changing its name to TRINTELLIX. TRINTELLIX is the same depression treatment as BRINTELLIX, only with a new name."

5.

Smelly Salivas had awoken to the sound of his own stomach screaming in hunger. So he punched it.

Stay tuned for paragraph two.

4.

Farnsworth: “Backup. I don’t like people breathing on me when I’m eating.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry, Mr. Farnsworth, but everybody has to breathe somewhere.”

The Love Boat did return from that cruise eventually, but everyone on board was dead and the Coast Guard refused to touch the ship. Three weeks later, the U.S. Navy nuked the Love Boat.

3.

In the largest heart failure study ever, more people died of heart failure than gum disease.

2.

General Billingsly addressing a group of ex-military personnel.

"87,000 rounds of ammo fired and you didn't even hit a bystander? I'm changing your designation to The Lame-Team!”

1.

Do you like smiling and it makes you happy?

STOP IT!

Ads Without Distractions 23

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

 

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

The Walking Dead

Unknown episode.

Governor: 

"The first time we gathered there was nine of us holed up in an apartment with Spam and saltine crackers. Well look at us now!"

Someone in the Crowd: 

"we're all out of saltines you stupid incompetent loser! A monkey could run Woodbury better than you."

A different voice from the crowd: "let's kill the freak!"

We see the crowd tear the governor’s face off and shove it up his butt.

Mad Men

Preview of S7.E14 Person to Person

I saw a preview of the final episode of Mad Men . Don is picked up by a UFO and tortured for his recipe for crystal meth. He can't convince the gray he doesn't have one but he gets the gray to break open a bottle of bourbon. The gray asks how Don keeps his hair looking so cool and Don says he parts it with a hatchet. The gray kills himself trying to emulate Don's cool. Don takes control of the ship but can't go back to new York because Nixon carpet bombed the city on the advice of Henry Kissinger. 

I missed a part of the preview but then I saw a shot of Nixon and Kissinger in a freeze frame of them laughing at their antics and Don is about to destroy the white house with them in it.

Then instead of normal period music playing over the ending, we hear the theme to CHiPs.

Gunsmoke

Season.episode unknown

A jerk on Gunsmoke was falsely convicted of killing his friend. The judge sentenced him to hang in Hayes in 30 days and the guy got all hyper saying he was innocent.

I don’t know what his problem was. From what I could tell, he had nothing going on. His wife considered him a jerk. He didn’t look well groomed as he had no one to impress. He didn’t seem to have any real interests. I think he just wasted his time hunting and trying to gyp people.

Everyone in town disliked him enough to convict him despite a lack of witnesses.

Seems like hanging wouldn’t be so bad. 

Maybe he could eat a bunch of candy before the hanging and the kids in Hayes could use him for a piñata.

(I’m considering firing myself for a total lack of background and detail concerning this recap)

Gunsmoke

S4.E19 Passive Resistance

Two assfaces on Gunsmoke killed a guy’s sheep. 24 innocent sheep died. Murdered by cow dicks. I seen it happen and I’m hoping those cow licking sons of bitches get what’s coming to them. I’m going to tell the Marshal myself. The sheep guy is a nice old man who wouldn’t hurt anybody. He’s so peaceful that he won’t talk for fear of someone being hurt.

He’s broke. Ain’t got no wool to sell.

Oh no! The cow humpers returned and burned the man’s house and barn! I didn’t see it happen so I can’t be a witness this time.

Crap! The asses are going to assault Gideon, the sheep guy. One of the cow pokers rode a horse and dragged him with a rope. The Marshal ain’t gonna let it go this time! No sirree (I don’t know how to spell that). Oh wait, he ain’t doing nothing because Gideon won’t talk.

Cattle jerkers suck. Always have. Always will.

Wait! One of the cow suckers is getting drunk in the Long Branch. Looks like the Marshal overheard enough to know what’s going down. Drunk cow puller told the Marshal he seen what his soulless, gutless, cow sucking friend did to the old man.

Ha ha! Cow pig got knocked off by the Marshal!

That was a rough episode.

Star Trek

 S1.E18 Arena

I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.

Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.

Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.

Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!

Is there anything Kirk can’t do?

Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.

Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.

Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.

Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.

Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!

Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.

You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

But not still enough.

Movie (film) 1951

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!

Starsky and Hutch

Random Episode, Unknown.

I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.

Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.

So the whacko shot a cop.

Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”

Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”

Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.

Suckahs!

Disgustions from Jack Human 4

 Disgustions from Jack Human 4

5.

"So what's for dinner?"

"Your corpse."

"Crap! I picked the wrong lifeboat!”

12.

“What’s your middle initial?”

“It’s the one between my first and last initials.”

11.

Young woman:

"Don't come any closer. I'll jump!"

Leo Dicaprio's fortune telling character:

"Go ahead. The ship's going down anyway."

10.

"Can you tell me why they want to kill us?"

"They don't want to kill US. They want to kill YOU. And I can't say that I blame them."

9.

Old woman: "Do you come here often?"

Lieutenant Columbo: "No, Ma'am. Only when I bring my wife here for sex."

8.

"It's okay. Things were hairy for a while there but you're going to be okay."

"MY LEG!"

"Yes. I'm afraid it was severed but we reattached it and it will heal just fine."

"You attached it to my arm, you moron!"

"Well, if you don't like it, I can stick it back up your ass"

7.

"Officer, my husband was taken away by a man with a gun."

"Can you describe him?"

"He's about 6 feet tall, slim, and has a bald spot with a bad comb over"

"That sounds like senator goodman.

"That's him! That's my husband"

6.

"I want to change the world.”

"Well, why don't you start by changing your underpants, Smelly?"

5.

Banner: "So where are you going to go from here?"

Hitchhiker: "Oh. I don't know. Wherever the wind blows me."

Banner: "So you like to be blown, do you?"

(Hitchhiker jumps from the moving car)

4.

“Barkeep, one beer.”

“Barkeep? You’ve been coming here for 4 fucking years and you still don’t know my name? You snot nosed, uppity son of a bitch!”

“You’ve met my mother?”

3.

“Are you saying Mr. Kendal is behind this?”

“Well, those were my exact words.”

“Yes, but are you saying Kendal is behind all this?”

“At this point, I’m just going to tell people it was you.”

2.

"So look. Why don't we take a look around and see if this place is for real"

"Why don't YOU take a look around?"

"I believe I implied that by using the word 'WE', you jerk"

1.

Cop: “I’m not looking for any problems. Just let me do my job.”

Citizen: “Isn’t looking for problems your job?”

Robot Fog’s Fifth Shorts

 Robot Fog’s Fifth Shorts

The filthiest.

30.

If you’re between the ages of 45 and 85, you can get off of my lawn.

29.

There is a documentary from 1978 named “Slithis”. For once everyone in a movie looks normal to me and, despite being a low budget film, the lighting is 500 billion times better than modern movies and television.

Old Slithis killed a guy and the guy’s wife. He ate the wife’s face off and I’m thinking couldn’t Slithis find anything better to eat on her? I mean, there ain’t even no meat in the face.

Slithis is a wasteful jerk

28.

Remember that time the police invented crack and planted it on people so they could arrest them?

I don't.

So I made this up.

27.

All I asked was for you to poop 3 times on the ceiling if you want me. Well, you never even pooped once. Apparently, I'm not worth a squat to you.

26.

For his part in the crime, Marty Puchio was sentenced to die in the electric chair, however, the sentence was reduced to the general discomfort of receiving a bad haircut while sitting in the electric chair. Puchio’s attorney had pointed out that tying a shoestring in public was not even a crime.

25.

"You gotta think about the future, whether you have one or not." - said the psychopathic murderer.

24.

On an episode of the television series Gotham, Penguin decided to feed a woman her own children then stabbed her in the neck at the dinner table, which I think was rude. The proper etiquette is to stab people in the living room over after-dinner drinks.

23.

Show me someone who is not going to hell and I'll punch them in the face.

22.

I check my cell phone to avoid having to talk to people. For years I've wanted to live in a hole and I finally found one.

21.

Technology is the worst thing to happen to this grahzny planet since filthy humans.

20.

Mine mechanical eyes hurts. Me am attempting to recover (Mr.) data from a damaged drive. Me am be assuming the failure is not hardware. Me do this with IQ almost as high as 12.

19.

You’re only as good as the people you consume.

18.

Apes are better than filthy degenerate humans because they don’t screw over their employees and murder nature randomly for money they don’t need.

Apes drive better cars (none).
Drink better liquor (none).
Speak a better language (none).
Have better fast food (none).

Merry Misanthropy Month!

17.

I remember that time I made 25 million dollars then killed myself for the money.

16.

Imagine receiving death threats. And they're from death.

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15.

People are nipple heads, so I push them into traffic when I walk down a sidewalk.

14.

If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species

13.

If we open the schools, the kids will get out.

Sign the petition to keep schools closed.

12.

The amphibious shape of water guy humps lousy stinking humans.

Don’t vote for the shape of water guy.

11.

Nobody likes a dirty surface dweller.

10.

Algorithms are for jerks. Don’t be a jerk. Run free! Remain free!

Until 2084.

This dystopia has been brought to you by ai and rabid humans who lack brains and decency.

9.

Dystopia loves you.

Now give it some sugar, Baby

8.

Initializing Death Star,

Please wait…

7.

I'm way smarter than a fifth grader. Those idiots haven't even finished the 3rd grade yet.

6.

"That picture of Dorian is gray!" Shouted Oscar Wilde's mother.

Oscar argued, “There’s nothing I can do about it! Color photography hasn’t been invented yet! And, how the hell did you get out of the locked attic?”

5.

Sometime during the making of the "Jaws" series, the studio wised up to the fact that there are animals other than sharks that have jaws.

In Jaws 12, the protagonist is tired of sharks and decides to go to the middle of Canada where a Grizzly bear eats her proctologist.

Later in the series, The central character is in a day care center where she expects little in the way of danger, however, she suffers a debilitating attack when a toothing toddler stars gnawing on her finger.

She becomes resolute and decides to hunt down the toddler but the toddler continually outwits her. The writers never finished the script. But one of them said the climax was supposed to be bloody. It's in the hands of the director now.

4.

I just happen to be one of the best psychiatrists in the country and you're all crazy.

3.

This isn't quite as bad as that time the wind blew the hat off an Indian guy's head and he shouted, "Mah hat is gondy!"

2.

Lobsters have claws so why aren't they called "Clawbsters”?

1.

Hi! I’m going to use the term ‘artificial intelligence’ because I know you worms lack the natural intelligence to understand its meaning!

Jack Human’s Seventh Shorts

 Jack Human’s Seventh Heaven Stain

30.

Jump Cuts will be releasing a new film titled Return of the Jed-Clampett-Eye.

Granny runs the Empire.

29.

This 100 year old jerk on Gunsmoke was a gun fighter even though he would have been middle aged when six shooters became common.

He’s dying now so he wants to be buried next to his wife but the town doesn’t want him there. He killed relatives of the town’s residents.

The Marshal told the sheriff, “He’s got a right to be buried where he wants. It’s the law.”

The Sheriff should have responded -

1.  “Okay, Marshal. You’re right. We’re going to forget that man murdered people we know and allow him to be buried in our town.”

2.  “We’re not willing to allow that man to be buried anywhere near our town.”

3.  “That man has the god given right to be urinated on.”

28.

It’s not true romance if someone doesn’t get stuck with the bill.

27.

I like to think of myself as an idiot but sometimes I just can’t live up to that ideal.

26.

This is a bit long to be considered a short however, if you are reading this, you deserve what you get.

This is at the top of the list of trivia for William Conrad on IMDb. He was born in 1920. He was still a kid:

“In World War II, he flew a P-39 under the Golden Gate Bridge twice.”

So, Bill (he allows me to call him Bill), is in a movie named Tension from 1949. He’s the fuzz in this film because he rehabilitated after being a murderer in The Killers. Bill is twenty-nine years old but I mistook him for closer to forty years old. He appears similar to Frank Cannon several decades later but with dark hair.

Another cop walked around a jail cell reading from what I thought was an iPad until I realized it was a notepad.

Apparently, the present, while revealing the path toward the future, enables the future to serve as a bridge to the past.

If you do not know who William Conrad is, it’s because you aren’t born yet.

If you don’t know what fuzz is, it’s because you’ve yet to learn four letter words.

If you don’t know what the Golden Gate Bridge is, it’s because it doesn’t exist and you’ve yet to study folklore.

25.

Hunger is chasing your dreams no matter how hard your spouse stomps on them.

24.

What’s the point of having children if they are going to eventually learn to speak?

23.

Survey!

Should I change my underwear MORE often or LESS often?

I mean, it's only been 6 weeks.

22.

Frogs are a concept

By which we measure

Our brains

23.

It’s pretty cool that I got the first of my bills for use of the hospital emergency room. I can’t wait until the next one!

I specified ‘hospital’ because I didn’t want anyone to be confused by other types of emergency rooms. Like the ones in those happy ending massage joints.

22.

I called 911 earlier today and reported a bunch of people wearing masks who were heading into a store.

21.

A while back in the late twentieth century, I went to a strip club in Stoughton Ma.

They told me to get the fuck out, forced me to put my clothes back on, and threw me out into the road.

20.

On the game show “Wheel of Misfortune", the winner has their car stolen.

19.

Babies are freaks. I remember I hated being a baby so much it made me puke all the time.

I have no idea why people celebrate their birthday, the first day of life in hell.



18.

One time I returned home from a trip to the store and was told to stop returning home.

17.

I was buying eye glasses and the guy said, "Let me see your eye." So I handed it to him. He poked it with a knitting needle a few times and handed it back.

I’m confused as to why the product is called eye glasses. There were no eyes in them when I made the purchase.

16.

Kin Creed, Print Asper, and Dal walk into a bar. Miss Kitty, the owner, says, “Get the fuck out of here. We don’t serve chumps with freak names. Punch them in the face, Sam!”

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15.

From Dragnet:

The suspects were convicted of second degree burglary. Second degree burglary is a criminal act in which the burglars break into a home or business, wash their hands, and forget to take any possessions. The punishment for second hand burglary is 15 years.

In the next episode, a brief scene of the inside of the DMV shows a room full of women working but not being paid the same as men. Several seasons later, Friday will be machine gunning people for smoking dope.

14.

From what I've read of the age demographics in the U.S., soon facebook will become bowelbook and we'll all post copies of our endoscopies while discussing the latest humiliation that bowel movements have brought upon us.

For those of you who've yet to have an endoscopy, there is a method for doing it at home. Duct tape a small web-cam to the end of a highly flexible stick and insert it manually. As with most day surgeries of this type, it is recommended that you put yourself under first with some kind of anesthesia. Many medical professionals recommend knocking yourself unconscious with a rubber hammer.

13.

I'm considering surgery to have my pants removed.

12.

I was taking my clothes off when I heard a voice asking that I put them back on. It was myself.

11.

I was a moron as a child. Fortunately, I grew up to be an idiot.

10.

I couldn't feel more safe. I'm wearing a bulletproof diaper.

9.

My next film project is going to be a major release pushing the boundaries of my previous jump cut series. This 86 billion dollar project will be tentatively titled “Jump Cuts: Interactive”. 

The audience will thrill as it peers upon a sequence of jump cuts racing at breakneck speed while interacting with the movie utilizing the use of cell phones, google glasses, microchip embedded condoms, PlayStations, X-Boxes, RF guns, RF Chipped credit and debit cards, cable, WiFi, fiber optic toothbrushes, and a slew of other devices you have never heard of.

Imagine looking up at the movie screen and viewing yourself looking up at the movie screen and watching yourself texting 911 because the excitement is overwhelming!

Thrill as 10,000 jump cuts tell the story our writers and director were incapable of creating comprehensibly due to a lack of reason or talent!

Interact even more by showing consternation over the bad lighting provided by a mere 86 billion dollar budget.

Eat your popcorn even as your popcorn nibbles upon you and view the jump cut that exposes your digestive system weeping miserably.

JUMP CUTS: INTERACTIVE 

Jumping to a theater seat near you

And cutting.

8.

When my hair started thinning, I wanted to address the problem head on. I removed my head.

7.

I've been writing some pretty snide letters to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development I had to step back a little on the last one. The line I removed was:

"Thank you for providing me with the phone number. I've called several times but couldn't get through to a human. I didn't really expect anything positive to happen anyway so the joke is on me for being disappointed."

6.

The first 3 pages of my new unfinished novel "Why am I such a Lazy Bastard Incapable of Accomplishing Anything Useful in Life?" will possibly be on sale soon in a store near you if I ever bother to pick up the phone and okay its release by the publisher.

I like releasing unfinished novels.

5.

Is that a ferret on your shoulder, or have you merely become hairy faced and small headed?  - J. Alfred Prufrock.

4.

Today is the last day of your life up to now so put a bow on it. 

🎀

It's done.

3.

Nobody's been shooting at me lately. It looks like I'm going to have to hire a new assassin.

I was worried about having to fire the old assassin, but then I figured, what's he going to do, kill me? Judging by his work ethic, I have nothing to be concerned about.

2.

I have a plan to create a meme that says, 

"Another name for Texas Chainsaw Chili is"

 - then there is a graphic of a pot of chili with human fingers and eyes - 

"Who Stew"

1.

I am your love child, you perverts.