Brief Unintelligible Recaps
Gunsmoke
Season.episode unknown
A jerk on Gunsmoke was falsely convicted of killing his friend. The judge sentenced him to hang in Hayes in 30 days and the guy got all hyper saying he was innocent.
I don’t know what his problem was. From what I could tell, he had nothing going on. His wife considered him a jerk. He didn’t look well groomed as he had no one to impress. He didn’t seem to have any real interests. I think he just wasted his time hunting and trying to gyp people.
Everyone in town disliked him enough to convict him despite a lack of witnesses.
Seems like hanging wouldn’t be so bad.
Maybe he could eat a bunch of candy before the hanging and the kids in Hayes could use him for a piñata.
(I’m considering firing myself for a total lack of background and detail concerning this recap)
Gunsmoke
S4.E19 Passive Resistance
Two assfaces on Gunsmoke killed a guy’s sheep. 24 innocent sheep died. Murdered by cow dicks. I seen it happen and I’m hoping those cow licking sons of bitches get what’s coming to them. I’m going to tell the Marshal myself. The sheep guy is a nice old man who wouldn’t hurt anybody. He’s so peaceful that he won’t talk for fear of someone being hurt.
He’s broke. Ain’t got no wool to sell.
Oh no! The cow humpers returned and burned the man’s house and barn! I didn’t see it happen so I can’t be a witness this time.
Crap! The asses are going to assault Gideon, the sheep guy. One of the cow pokers rode a horse and dragged him with a rope. The Marshal ain’t gonna let it go this time! No sirree (I don’t know how to spell that). Oh wait, he ain’t doing nothing because Gideon won’t talk.
Cattle jerkers suck. Always have. Always will.
Wait! One of the cow suckers is getting drunk in the Long Branch. Looks like the Marshal overheard enough to know what’s going down. Drunk cow puller told the Marshal he seen what his soulless, gutless, cow sucking friend did to the old man.
Ha ha! Cow pig got knocked off by the Marshal!
That was a rough episode.
Star Trek
S1.E18 Arena
I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.
Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.
Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.
Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!
Is there anything Kirk can’t do?
Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.
Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.
Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.
Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.
Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!
Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.
You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But not still enough.
Movie (film) 1951
Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe
They broke the gift Klaatu brought!
It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.
I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.
The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.
Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.
Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.
It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.
Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!
Starsky and Hutch
Random Episode, Unknown.
I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.
Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.
So the whacko shot a cop.
Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”
Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”
Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.
Suckahs!
