Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

Robot Fog’s Sixth Shorts

23.

Okay, you filthy bonobos.

And, in the end,

The blood you shill

Is unequal to the blood

You spill

Stop shilling and spilling blood.

22.

As you all know, in the future I will have invented a time machine. I have 2 goals.

The first goal is to go back in time to the birth of each and every human ever born and to punch them in the face at birth. This is going to take some work. I will need a team of volunteers to aid me in this endeavor. Let me know if you’re interested.

The second goal is to go back in time and kill the first biped. Or maybe cage it so it can’t breed. It depends on whether it smiles or scowls upon my approaching it.

I understand some of you may feel that the first goal is pointless because once I succeed with the second goal, none of the babies we punched will be born. The point of the first goal is to work out the anger for my own peace of mind. Yours too. The entire experience will be highly therapeutic.

Sign up. If you do, we can discuss skipping your birth while carrying out the first mission.

Thank you. Have a nice day and be kind to others no matter what species they are other than human.

21.

Crap! These stupid hippies on the Enterprise (a federation vessel) are singing stupid songs and not wearing pants.

If I were Kirk, I would keelhaul my own stupid crew for giving those goddamned sons of rodents information that enabled the pantsless jerks to take control of the ship.

Then I’d keelhaul the crew again for appearing to enjoy the presence of Eden loving freaks to the point of being distracted from properly doing their jobs.

This is a Federation vessel, Gumby damn it!

20.

Dear humanoids,

While driving what is often referred to as a vehicle along a street today, I saw a sign that had the message:

“Caution

Children”

I became severely fearful, for I had had no idea that children are dangerous.

====  ====

I also had a confusing sight of a guy riding a bicycle which had giant tires on it.

I believe the bicycle should be *on* the tires.

Farewell

Farewell

Farewell

Or don’t fare at all.

19.

If ever I have touched you in any way, all I ask is that you wash your hands before returning the favor.

18.

If all the troubles of the world were kept under one hat, who would be elected to wear the hat?

17.

Peter Brady said you can’t join the school team if you have long hair or a mustache.

That leaves his sisters out.

16.

Facebook stinks to the point where I told my stupid cell phone to not allow Facebook to stalk me. One of facejerk’s arguments for stalking is that it enables local businesses to show me ads.

Anyone with 1/3 of a brain (like myself) has trained themselves since learning to walk to entirely ignore commercials and all advertisements except to use them as fodder for jokes.

P.S.

If you don’t know who your fodder is, you can ask your modder.

Also, P.S

Here be an ad:

                                    ====    WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     ====

COMCAST ONDEMAND

"Love Object"

2003 | R (FEARnet)

A writer suspects his sex doll has become jealous.

                                        =====    ADVERTISEMENT ENDS     ====

15.

Hi,

I’m a nipple head. My head is made of nipples. I attach files with macros to my emails so they can be stopped by spam and ransomware filters.

Have a nippley day,

Thursty Nipplehead the Turd

14.

I needed to feel better earlier today so I pictured myself crying at my own funeral.

13.

Only a small number of people commit murder, but they are killer at it.

12.

I'm looking for a group to record my new hit song "I Don't Want to Spend Another Day (Listening to Your Bodily Functions)”

11.

Loving people can leave you feeling empty.

Eating them fills your belly

10.

Oh no!

John Wick is about to knock off 15,000 people!

Should I let him do it, or should I notify the authorities?

Wait. John’s victims are humans so I‘m going to offer him help.

9.

I gotta get into shape so bad it's killing me. I'm trying to do sit-ups and curls but I need something to work my balance and eye-hand coordination while building up my lungs. It occurred to me that boxing would be good. Then I saw a woman holding a baby and thought, "Babies", that's who I can box. 

I'm going to be boxing babies for sport and health. I've chosen babies because I think I can beat them. They're short and their little hands are kind of soft so I won't be getting hurt too badly.

Baby Boxing. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe if I smoke some crystal meth, I'll have the energy to open a nationwide baby boxing business.

Wish me luck!

Addendum:

After being severely beaten by babies, I now box squirrels. Or I try to. The bastards keep running away.

8.

Facebook has added 4 more corpses to your trunk.

7.

This is worse than that time Picard promoted Worf to head of security and Worf locked the ship doors and escape pods then lit the ship on fire 🔥!

6.

I received this notice from the makers of my psych med:

"Hello Assface,

BRINTELLIX is changing its name to TRINTELLIX. TRINTELLIX is the same depression treatment as BRINTELLIX, only with a new name."

5.

Smelly Salivas had awoken to the sound of his own stomach screaming in hunger. So he punched it.

Stay tuned for paragraph two.

4.

Farnsworth: “Backup. I don’t like people breathing on me when I’m eating.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry, Mr. Farnsworth, but everybody has to breathe somewhere.”

The Love Boat did return from that cruise eventually, but everyone on board was dead and the Coast Guard refused to touch the ship. Three weeks later, the U.S. Navy nuked the Love Boat.

3.

In the largest heart failure study ever, more people died of heart failure than gum disease.

2.

General Billingsly addressing a group of ex-military personnel.

"87,000 rounds of ammo fired and you didn't even hit a bystander? I'm changing your designation to The Lame-Team!”

1.

Do you like smiling and it makes you happy?

STOP IT!