Gunsmoke S11, E6 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Gunsmoke and didn’t report it to the principal.

Kioga

S11 E6

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

The assface banker on Gunsmoke refused to pay a Native American boy for some gold until the Marshal checks the Pawnee kid out. Banker assface took the gold from the kid and wouldn’t return it. In civilized nations, this is considered theft.

I just realized the budget of this episode must have been huge to cover the cost of thousands of gallons of whatever they used to paint the white actor playing a Native American. Maybe banker assface was pissed about a painted white kid trying to pass off the gold.

Another time, banker assface got pissed at the Marshal for not shooting the Marshal’s old friend in the back after the friend robbed the bank. The Marshal has been beaten and shot a thousand times for these ungrateful freaks and they can’t just back the guy up when he needs them. The guy has recovered 800 billion dollars' worth of cash, cattle, and jewelry for these morons.

He should of took up Marshalin’ in a normal state. A state that respects science and human rights.

The marshal had banker assface give him the $110.00 for the kid’s gold nugget. The kid bought a hat and is hunting down that scratchy voiced guy from Laredo for murdering his father. The Marshal’s pissed at Laredo guy for shooting the shadow of the kid. “If you’re going to fire your goddamned firearm in this town, you better hit a real person, Shithead!”

I wish I had a computer so I could write this all out real proper-like.

*** Commercial Break ***

Uh oh. Another American Standard tub commercial with a celebrity you would assume has better things to do. Eric Roberts. He plays shady jerks in Lifetime movies. At least Batman broke his legs once. I guess Roberts didn’t learn anything.

Jesus Christ! Like 5 commercials passed by as I typed out that tub paragraph.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Holy moly! The kid impersonating a Pawnee broke up the Long Branch and got in a fight with Festus. Now he’s in a cell next to murderin’ Laredo guy. The kid planted a knife in the cell window from the alleyway outside before getting busted so he could use it to stab Laredo guy.

Painted white kid was caught trying to stab Loredo guy so the Marshal is taking stabby painted white kid to a restaurant now to see if the kid will explain why he wants to stab Laredo guy. This Marshal is quite civilized. Too good for that crappy town.

The Marshal made Festus scrub all the floors in the jail. I’m not even sure Festus officially works for the Marshal. Fred Ziffel is insulting Laredo guy.

The kid shot at his old foe, Laredo guy, but missed all over the place. He should have stuck with the knife. It’s what Penguin would do. You can’t go wrong with good old-fashioned stabbing. It’s quiet and you get a workout. Stabbing people is much healthier than shooting them.

*** Commercial Break ***

It turns out I may have overactive bladder, or OAB. I’m supposed to call my doctor or visit some dot com place to learn more.

Call my doctor if you want to learn more about my bladder.

*** End Commercial Break ***

Crap! There’s shooting but I missed it because of my bladder. Painted White Kid (PWK) used a slingshot to knock out Laredo guy. The kid tied the guy to the ground near some ants while buzzards flew around. If those are fire ants, Laredo guy is in trouble. I got my hands chewed up by fire ants when I was in basic training in Georgia. Georgia needs better exterminators.

PWK is finally explaining that Laredo guy murdered his father and his sister.

PWK is leaving town on foot. He was allowed to carry a gun but can’t get a license to ride a horse.

"Oh, the burden of a bad paint job."

A Suffering Syndrome

A Suffering Syndrome

After years of research, I have discovered an undocumented condition suffered by many people. It's called ASS: Anal Shift Syndrome.

Anal Shift Syndrome involves a person's anus becoming unanchored and floating about over the body most often coming to rest above the chin and below the nose where the mouth is located. On those times when the anus displaces the mouth, ASS is most easily identifiable as the individual will often be speaking shit. So, if someone is speaking shit, don't become angry.

Be compassionate. There is no cure for ASS. And you are better than they are. Much, much better.

If you suffer from ASS, tell your doctor. ASS sufferers are often unaware they suffer from Anal Shift and must be told. Patients who speak shit tend to disbelieve their diagnosis and are often in need of restraining and wiping. If you know of someone who suffers from ASS, and they cannot be convinced to seek medical assistance, notify the authorities and tell them the individual is armed and dangerous to others around them and society at large.

Columbo s7, e3 Recap

 By Jack Human,

I just watched a Columbo.

Make Me a Perfect Murder

S7 E3

***   SPOILER ALERT   ***

In this episode, a woman killed her boss for not giving her a promotion when he had been given a promotion and was moving on. I thought that was rude of him, but he did explain that she needed more time to develop the required skills. 

It turns out the boss was sleeping with the woman which is disgusting on a lot of levels. First of all, I’m pretty sure that in California the law states if a manager sleeps with an employee, the employee should receive overtime pay. This boss jerk bought the lady a new car which, let’s face it, does not meet the requirements of the sex overtime law.

California law also requires any manager who sleeps with an employee to also sleep with another employee who is of a different sex. The show gave no indication that this boss had balanced his creepy behavior with the woman by sleeping with a male employee in order to meet the standards required by the sexual harassment fairness doctrine.

The entire situation was just plain wrong. It’s possible that the script didn’t have time to allow this bad behavior to be explained, or we’re to assume that the boss paid the overtime and slept with that long haired young man, whose job was to do research, offscreen. To me, that’s bad writing.

I almost forgot what the story was about. The boss was murdered which shouldn’t even be a crime because humans have murdered one another for at least 100,000 years. Long before God created the earth. Why don’t we just make sneezing a crime? Humans do that too.

At one point, the woman massaged Columbo’s back and yet once again, there was no indication that a male also massaged Columbo’s back. Or massaged anything else.

Columbo told the woman she was under arrest and asked her to go with him.

I think that was the end.

A Television weighs no less than 30 tons.

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

you can see where it all kind of falls apart

=========================

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

Radio gasbag, radio gasbag, radio gasbag

You fill the air with a gaseous stink

You ain’t as smart as your mommy thinks

Your audience is made up of ineffectual finks

Radio gasbag, you make us gag

 

Radio gasbag

You fill the air with hate filled lies

Shout your tropes until justice dies

call your shit free speech in disguise

Leave others to pay the price

 

Radio gasbag

You’re ugly in all the wrong places

Heartless and greedy and exceptionally shapeless

You leave trails like a slug in slime

the pollution you spew is an oral crime

Someday your gassy ass will do the time

 

Radio gasbag

Get your Viagra pills together

Your toys are being delivered

The law turns its myopic blind eye

Because you are a wealthy guy

 

Radio gasbag you’re gonna burn in hell

along with your followers, it’s just as well

Radio gasbag, you make us gag

with the sewage you sell

 

words shoot from your hole 

as ammo aimed at young and old

You poison good people just for pay

It’s all a gag you like to say

why don’t you shut your fat greasy hole?

You broadcast diseases from your soul

One day your fat heart will explode

no one will miss you, you won’t leave a hole

You’re a narcissist and only you love you

You’ll be forgotten by history

So we have that to look forward to

another time, flatlined:

“I am all the gas you need!” – shouts the radio gasbag. He is a bloviating pile of feces. His audience feeds off his narcissistic sense of certainty.

The audience throws their love to the gasbag.

Filled with poisonous methane, the gasbag puffs himself up like a puffer fish but he is not cute, nor is he harmless as his hatred and lies fly through the skies.

Radio gasbag talks a bunch of hash jabbering like a brain damaged dodo bird triple-chinned and unable to defy gravity. His shirt pocket is filled with Viagra as he awaits the toy for which he’s paid and he’s looking forward to a night of boyous joy. On the job, his mouth won’t stop yapping and his fist won’t stop pumping his microphone full of rancid lies and bloviating self-humping. Poisonous gas leaks from the anal mouth-hole on the gasbag and infects his studio audience. The fans think he’s being outrageous but he’s really being contagious. Radio gasbag. Listen here, Mr. Gasbag, you ain’t as smart as your mommy thinks you are. Your mouth is an explosive sewer hole. A dumping ground of hazardous material. Outhouse. Latrine. Used diaper. A fetid nest of flies.

Radio gasbag

You’re ugly in all the wrong places.

Heartless and greedy and exceptionally shapeless you leave trails like a slug in slime the pollution you spew is an oral crime Someday your gassy ass will do the time One day your fat heart will explode, and no one will miss you. No one will miss you.

No one has missed you.

Gaggles 23

Miserable Poemetrical Shorts 2

 some junk looking for abuse

11.

an ocean lacking a returning tide

faded from my lighthouse eye

10.

the V-chip loves you

& does not wish to shut you down

i, however, want to shut you down

& turn you off with my remote

9.

I am fabulous like a dog leaping through dry desert air.

I will bite.

8.

the lonely messiah grapples

with the true meaning of the cheese

as his disciples end in the dust

of a meteoric rise and the flattening fall

back to the molecular ball.

7.

Nobody knows these things

Nobody knows those things

Nobody knows anything

Whatever it is you think you know

Will not admit to knowing you

6.

I have died

and I have died

and I have died

and not once,

twice, or three times.

Innumerably.

Repeatedly.

Continually.

Today I have died.

I know tomorrow,

I will die.

And, having died,

will live to die again.

5.

My brain.

It ain’t on fire.

It don’t burn nor turn

It’s a flat tire

4.

Living can be traumatic.

Living with asteroid addiction

can be brutally traumatic.

Avoid possible extinction.

Don’t be hit by asteroids.

Avoid trauma.

Avoid birth.

If you should see your future parents

about to conceive you,

kick their private parts off.

Take control of your trauma.

Before asteroids take control of you

3.

Barfley Shoestink

Smelly Salivas

Nickelodeon Giggling

And Allass B. Tokenslot

All walk into a bar together.

Not one of them leaves alive

Because Nipplelips Rage murdered them

2.

When you’re deranged

Pickles shoot out from your brain

The sludge in your blood refuses to drain

Angels refrain from singing your name

Copulating with mice makes you feel sane

When you’re deranged

1.

a renegade mosquito bite 

sent me to see the doctor

my arm stiff and swollen at the elbow

not very easy to move

the doctor told me

the rate of allergies is rising

with the depletion of the ozone layer

"yeah", i thought,

"let's strip the blanket from the earth

and have the insects watch us squirm for a while"

we will all grow old together

and fry

Dick's Dribble

Robot Fog (impersonating Dick's Dribble in order to steal his mortgage)

Hi. It’s me, Dick Dribble, again.

Some of you may remember me from such elongated articles such as "nuffin' to write yer home about" or "I didn't go to summer camp because I was a-scared of the girls and this documentary video shows why."

catfight on Spider Island

Today I want to invite you to visit my website which reviews movies, books, music, and many other forms of culture, popular or otherwise.

Thrill as our social discourse is made up entirely of YouTube and Vimeo videos of television talk show hosts making witty observations of current events!

Lock your knees together and control your excitement over our articles composed entirely of screenshots of tweets we quote in order to appear as if our writers are writing!

We also cover the most current unimportant news of the day by referring to sources other than our own site which have already repeated and shared articles and pieces that present unresearched events and opinions as facts.

Hate the president of the United States? Well, who doesn’t? We’ll post every attack, funny, meaningful, obscure, overt, “in his face”, true, false, current, past, repetitive, pointless, and needlessly tiresome in order to boost your confirmation bias.

So stop whacking it on all those clickbait sites you love so much. Bookmark Dick’s Dribbles and learn what you’ll wish you’d never known.

*** Editor's note. Excrement was misspelled as excitement. ***