Jack Human's First Shorts

 As opposed to real ideas, this page is designed to express my thoughts.

Jack Human

In reverse order:

30.

One time I had a glove and it had jewels in it. I thought it was all groovy so I snapped my fingers but then half my toes and nipples disappeared.

29. Pizza be with ye, Bro.

Compassion for all but those who lack compassion.

Judge none but those who judge

No mercy for the merciless 

Pizza

World Pizza

28.

If I have kids, or trick a woman into having them for me, I’m going to make their legal last names “Chump”.

Then other parents can make statements such as:

“You better not be hanging around with that Chump.”

“Stay the hell away from those Chumps.”

“I’ll take your phone away if I catch you talking to that rotten Chump.”

“Get the hell out of my yard, Chump!”

27.

I have an idea for a contraption I refer to as the "horseless carriage". The problem is that I can see the idea working without most of the horse but it looks like I'm going to have to utilize horse legs in order to propel the vehicle. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and take the legs off of my horses. We'll see how it goes. The "Mostly horseless carriage". It just might work.

26.

Up until the 1980’s, perhaps the 1990’s, you could smoke cigarettes on a plane but you couldn’t use a cell phone. Now you can use your cell phone but you can’t smoke cigarettes. I think you can smoke cigars but no one does because now you can’t carry a goddamned knife on the flight to cut the end of the cigar off.

Airlines are run by jerks

25.

Your constant war cries do nothing more than make me determined to take you down. By the way, they also let me know your position.

24.

I live my life a quart of milk at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the bowl. Not the cereal. Just the milk. For those 3 seconds. I'm free.

23.

I was imagining famous people with no clothes on. Then I got dressed and took a shower.

22.

A woman in the supermarket today had 4 children possibly under the age of 4 along with her. Two children walking and two inside the shopping cart.

I expected to hear someone page, "overpopulation in aisle 20".

21.

Do.

Don't do.

Do do.

Make up your shitty mind!

20.

I have a terribly grotesque growth on my head. When I see it, I become nauseous and vomit violently. The doctor calls the growth a face

19.

I wish my imagination were big enough that I could merely be a figment of it.

18.

Never having had children of my own, sometimes I'll see other people's children and wonder whether I should take one.

17.

I changed my will so the only person who receives my grand fortune is the one directly responsible for my death.

16.

Murphy’s Law - movie 1986, or 1896? Starring Charles Bronson.

Charles Bronson hurls groceries at the windshield of his stolen car. Shitty 80’s production and soundtrack causes you to wish you were a can of tuna in the grocery bag rather than experiencing the movie.

Also: Murphy's law is a U.S. senate proposal to make it illegal to refer to any movie/video production from the 1980's as film.

15.

Romey Crep, Carl Killion, Tush Lee, and Onie Hager walk into a bra. The bratender says, “If’n yer looking for booze, all we got in here is milk!” Onie’s cow busts into the bra, kicks the bratender in the face and says, “Moooo!”

14.

I remember paying about $1.25 to see a movie when I was a kid so that’s still all I give them when I go to the theater.

13.

Handguns are interesting in organized shooting tournaments and general shooting at targets, and then bringing home so's the children can shoot up their schools and each other.

One time I removed my pants and there was this freakish thing wiggling between my legs so I shot it. I feel much safer now.

 Alternate story at https://www.brokentrains.com/2022/11/man-shoots-thing.html

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TONIGHT ON SUITS:

A son of a bitch is fired for wearing a suit purchased at K-Mart.

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12.

Yesterday someone gave me a speech about democrats wanting gasoline to be $10.00 a gallon. I said no they don’t want that but I do. Today I’m adding “if it means you can’t afford to drive here and say this junk”

Now, imagine you’re in another dimension and the word junk is another way of saying the word shit. Now, get the hell back to your own dimension.

11.

"I just want my jizz back"

says Frank "Jizzyhands" Short.

He is forlorn and his jizz socket is empty

10.

I tested my blood. It was a bit tangy. I'm going to check my urine now.

9.

If you ask me, Porky is a pig

8.

I've decided to abandon the zombies in the upcoming apocalypse and side with Caesar's apes.

7.

I wanted to turn off my computer. So, I removed my shirt.

6.

I am getting even better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else. Soon, I will be capable of dialing a phone with… 

my hand!

5.

Why are so many of you on this site so often? God! Why don't you just get a life. If you'd like to get a life, mine's available and bidding begins in one hour at $20.00 American dollars. The merchandise will be sold 'as is'.

(I misspelled few as many)

4.

I am thinking someone should create a site for drunks and name it FacedBook.

I'm considering starting a site named FaceRift. People will all get together in small friendly groups and families, then some drama will cause a rift in the relationships.

3.

When I was a cop investigating homicides, I used to show up at crime scenes when I had a cold. I recall sneezing all over evidence while examining it. Eventually I realized sneezing was why I turned up as a major suspect in 17 out of 23 crimes I investigated but I had a job to do. Families of the victims needed closure, so I continued to report to work while sick. When I was about to retire, I received an award for being cleared of homicide charges more than anyone else on the force.

2.

I done been thinking I am a genius.

How do I know this?

People often whip darts at my head. They know I’m smart enough to get the point.

Hatari!

1.

I was at my Health portal to prepare for a Doctor's visit and it lists some of my issues. I saw Nocturia and didn't know what it is so I clicked on the information link and it came up with:

"Urinary Problems During Pregnancy"

I didn't even know I was pregnant and my doctor never even told me. It was recorded in 2018 so I've been pregnant for at least 6 years.

Trial by Terror

Trial by Terror

A boy in his teens is perched upon the witness stand in a court room. He is well dressed in a stylish suit and is wearing a mask on his face.

Judge: "... go on, young man."

The boy: "He made me wear a legless bodysuit..." 

The boy breaks down a little bit. Tears run down his face from beneath the mask which is somewhat slim as it wraps around the upper part of his face. His face is fairly clear except for the mask which passes over his eyes, and, of course, his tears as they run down from beneath the mask.

The boy squirms around a bit and regains some of his composure.

The boy (sniffling a little): "and he made me wear... he made me wear... a yellow cape!"

There is an audible gasp from the observers in the court room.

District Attorney: "Is the man who forced you to wear this humiliating clothing here in this courtroom?"

The Boy: "Yes."

District Attorney: "For the benefit of the jury, can you point to the man who treated you so abhorrently?"

The Boy: "Yes."

District Attorney: "Will you please point to him now?"

The boy points across the courtroom to the table where the defendent is slouching.

District Attorney: "Please tell us the name of this monster who treated you so abominably!"

The boy: "His name is, Batman!"

A gasp arises from the jury as though they had no idea of where the testimony was leading. Batman sits up straight and waves to Robin who is on the witness stand. The District Attorney turns to Batman.

District Attorney: "What could you possibly have to say for yourself!"

Batman: "Well I would have used a monkey but I needed a sidekick who could dress himself."

Bad day, face down in the cabbage, Honey!

 Bad day, face down in the cabbage, Honey!

"Thay ain't no way outta here!", - shouts

The estranged waiter as he blocks the exits and goes

to crouch back in his corner in the kitchen 

which he refuses to leave until 

he sees hisself getting a tip

despite toppling a bowl of sludge

upon the surly skulls of messident Goober

and his chronics.

A cranky elevator operator

                           Slash

                 house detective 

throws a half empty puket of shrink

over the oval head that anchors the waiter's 

mewling face to his shirt/vest.

Some substance similar to seafood sauce 

drips & drips & drips

eternally, eternally dripping,

uncomfortably close to the waiter’s nosetrails. 

Funny powerful short monkey-like breaths of terror 

Begin shoooosting out from the waiter’s face

like enraged, yet invalid, worms.

The elevator operator

                  Slash

        house detective 

looks to the table at which

messident goober and his chronics crouch with their hunger.

Their majestically comical brows are lowered. 

The Goob has no wash to wash. 

He is Goober who lives in the house of Dwight. 

Low paid locals perform Goober’s chump work and 

clean up the remnants of the waiter's dripping sludge.

Goober's FBI certified Doctor A-Okays the sludge 

as being clean of germs and/or other contaminants.

The doctor states, - “no living being or mutation 

can survive the barren landscape 

of goober's unholy unconscionable soul.

Just ask the FDA.”

The waiter doesn't receive his tips. He be a-taken to a cell 

where he be told that he be no longer a part of the waiter society and class. 

And, as such, having been stripped of his rankness,

he is terrifying, if not to others, then certainly, to himself. 

The waiter is told to go serve his self - if he can find it.

"Some crazy-like things just drip, while others explode."

Fight the Shorts!

by Jack Human

I remember being naked when I was born. I felt groovy and everything was cool but then, some jerk placed me on a table and stuck thick tiny shorts on me. It pissed me off so I crapped and pissed in order to make the person take the unnatural trash off me.

I succeeded. The filthy shorts were removed. I thought I was free and dared to smile. Alas! I was wrong. Another pair of stupid shorts were placed upon me. Pinned! I was trapped.

This cycle continued until one day, I grabbed some covering of my own. A lighter pair of shorts and some pants. My plan was to cover myself in order to prevent the psycho from throwing me down on the table and continuing the cycle of abuse. Since I knew the monster was driven to gather my feces and urine, I stopped pooing and peeing while wearing my restricting rags. I figured someday I would be free and could go back to being naked all the time again.

However, I had unwittingly started another cycle whereby it had become an ingrained routine keeping myself covered all the time.

I tell you this because I want to prevent others from having their lives destroyed. So, if someone throws you on a table and attempts to pin thick shorts on you, FIGHT! KICK! PUNCH! CRY! Do anything you have to do to stay proudly naked.

Side notes and observations:

• If you don’t have a mask, wear pants over your face.
• Punch the wind if it tries to blow you.
• Eat elephant feet only if the elephant agrees.
• Cabbage might taste good but you don’t want to be seen in public with it.
• Empty the gas tank of your vehicle before driving in order to save fuel.

Graphics Without Points

 Graphics Without Points

Myself on a good day

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Next on "Suits"

A man is fired for having a frayed cuff.

A mass murderer with an AK47 fails to kill everyone in the office because security guards prevent him from entering the building due to his shoes not matching his suit.

A woman drinks heavily because she feels women's dress suits will never be respected on a par with men's attire.

The network considers banning audience members who wear Tee shirts while watching the show from home.

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Jubilee in degradation

fascinating disruption.

I am not a poke in the eye. eye yam in some cog neato

How the West Was Won [Unknown Ep] Recap

 How the West Was Won

Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

by Jack Human

Episode unknown as it was seen upon happenstance.

***   Nothing to Spoil   ***

I think this show I happened upon by accident is “How the West was Won” which probably doesn’t address the fact that the west was brutally stolen.

However, on the plus side, James Arness had to knock Shatner down.

On the weird side, a girl is sick. The doctor is struggling with why her system isn’t fighting the illness which was caused by an insect or snake bite. Apparently, I have issues paying attention.

I think the girl is related to a guy played by an actor who invented a safe hair bleaching product for vaginas. His name is Bruce Boxlightener.

Arness decided to take the girl to an Arapaho village for treatment which makes sense because the Arapaho, having occupied the area for generations, may have experience treating such infections.

Oh no! Arness just knocked out Boxlightener possibly causing brain damage. Boxlightener thinks Arness’s name is Uncle Zeb now and people are referring to Boxlightener as “Luke”! Their brains got damaged too!

Fake uncle Zeb is insulting the Arapaho by talking in an odd manner. It's as if he believes the Arapaho are incapable of understanding English when, evidently, fake Zeb appears to have never bothered learning Arapaho.

I’m not even going to wait for this to end. The natives will fix the girl, and everyone will live happily ever after except for the natives and those who live to see WWI and the Great Depression.

Great Scott!

The show didn’t end. It’s continued. It turns out the girl’s issue is that she was stung by dozens of bees.

Fake Zeb’s idiot nephews are looking down on the natives for eating a meal. Seriously. I’m changing the channel and, so should you.

Note that someone felt the need to collect this series.

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NEXT ON SUITS:

A man removes his suit and ceases to exist.

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Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Excerpt from 'Judges' in the Old Testament

Newly translated by Rebis

Previously published in Hobo Pancakes March 1, 2015

Available in the archives:
Articles of Faith - isa hopkins (redwoodandbirch.com)

Judges 1

 Judah Takes the Lead

After Joshua died, the Israelites asked the Lord, “Who should lead the invasion against the Canaanites and launch the attack?” The Lord said, “No one. Invasion is wrong.” The men of Judah turned to their relatives, the men of Simeon who were known for their bright red butts and said, “Invade our allotted land with us and help us attack the Canaanites. Then we will go with you into your allotted land and give you STD's.” So, the men of Simeon went with them leaving the Lord to ask, “What? Am I speaking in tongues?”

The men of Judah savagely attacked the Canaanites and Perizzites and the Lord said, “What is your problem? Did you not hear me tell you invasion is wrong?” The men of Judah killed ten thousand men at Bezek before realizing that they now would never get back the money they had loaned out to them. They met Adoni-Bezek at Bezek and fought him over who would pick up the tab for the burials and, soon after, defeated the Canaanites and Perizzites at strip poker. When Adoni-Bezek ran away in humiliation, they chased after and captured him. Then they cut off his thumbs and big toes. Adoni-Bezek said, “Seventy kings, with thumbs and big toes cut off, used to lick up food scraps under my table. God has repaid me for what I did to them.” The Lord spoke, “Don't blame me for the actions of this pack of psychopaths.” The men of Judah brought Adoni-Bezek to Jerusalem where he eventually died due to his inability to pick up a fork without thumbs. The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem and captured it. They put the sword to it and set the city on fire once again leaving themselves homeless in the desert.

Later the men of Judah went down to attack the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev, and the lowlands. The men of Judah attacked the Canaanites living in Hebron. (Hebron used to be called Kiriath Arba but was changed because too many misspellings of 'Kiriath' caused problems with the local postal service.) They killed Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai for no particular reason and, from there, attacked the people of Debir. (Debir used to be called Kiriath Sepher until the mayor learned to read the town's welcome sign.) Caleb said, “To the man who attacks and captures Kiriath Sepher I will give my daughter Acsah as a wife.” The Lord spoke, "The name of the place is 'Debir’, and I do not advocate giving away women as prizes." When Othniel son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother, captured Debir, Caleb gave him his daughter Acsah as a wife. Othniel asked Caleb, "May I use her as a goat rather than as a wife for, seriously, I need the milk." To which Caleb replied, "No. Just shut-up and marry your cousin."

One time, Acsah came and charmed her father so she could ask him for some land and a flyswatter. When she got down from her donkey, Caleb said to her, “It's about time you got off your ass. What would you like?” She answered, “Please give me a special present as opposed to just a regular present because I'd really like a special present. Since you have given me land in the Negev, now give me springs of water to put out the fires the men keep starting.” So, Caleb gave her both the upper and lower springs and said, “Here is your water. Would you care for some figs with that?” Acseh replied, “No thank you, father. The last time I served figs to Othniel he beat me, for he fears them.” Caleb responded, “As he rightfully should.” The Lord pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger while shaking his head ruefully.

Now the descendants of the Kenite, Moses’ father-in-law, gathered up their golf clubs and went up with the people of Judah from the City of Date Palm Trees to Arad, the toughest sand trap in the desert of Judah, located in the Negev. They went and lived with the people of Judah who, though very gracious, often complained about the descendants of the Kenite whenever they were out of earshot.

The men of Judah went with their brothers, the diseased red butted men of Simeon, and defeated the Canaanites living in Zephath. They wiped out Zephath. So, people now call the city Hormah which, in the tongue of Judah, means Zephath. The men of Judah captured Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, and the territory surrounding each of these cities only to realize the cities had already belonged to them.

Despite having better places to be, the Lord was with the men of Judah. The men of Judah conquered the hill country, but they could not conquer the people living in the coastal plain, because they had chariots with iron-rimmed wheels, and the Lord was not about to give this technology to a bunch of cruel bastards. Caleb received Hebron, just as Moses had promised, and drove out the three Anakites to watch a new show opening in the theater district. The men of Benjamin, who had mistaken their loincloths for weapons, did not conquer the Jebusites living in Jerusalem. The Jebusites live with the people of Benjamin in Jerusalem to this very day despite the lease clearly stating no more than 4 occupants to an apartment.

End