Broken Rails

 Our intrepid crew

Jack, in his box

Jack Human was born only once. He is 8 inches, 5 feet tall. I once asked him why he wore a coat and he responded, "Because I'm human, Robot... because I'm human... and it's winter... and, it's none of your business... and, please get off of my lap." Had I emotions, I would have wept at the sincerity with which he delivered this apt response.

Jack has traveled the world and has seen many things of which he will not speak. Despite coming across as a worldly and cultured man, Jack has his wild side and has even spent time in jail for attempting to fit inside a kangaroo's pouch at a famous California zoo. He was later pardoned when it was argued by his attorney that attempting to fit inside a pouch was not the same as actually being inside the pouch and, as such, was not a punishable offense. At least, not in Cambodia. Ten days later, the kangaroo and Jack were formally wed in a ceremony that involved biscuits and a cape.

It has been said of Jack that he also once took a shower. This has yet to be verified.

Robot's Rampage

Robot Fog was created by a rogue international agency. His original purpose was to blend into human society and report back to his creators who just happened to be jerks. Robot, however, was unimpressed with the agency's overall tyrannical goals and never bothered to report back to his degenerate creators who he believes are working on methods of spying on each and every individual on the planet Earth, for no other reason that they are paranoid, hypocritical, insensitive, often balding, control freaks, and they wear really bad suits.

He writes for this site because he fears no one, which isn't saying much, and because he lacks human emotion. Robot does, in fact, favor freedom over tyranny for the puny humans he chooses to live amongst (except, perhaps, for that man crouching by your car licking a headlight).

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Dick and his Dribble

Richard Dribble, also known as Dick because he's a right brutal bastard. And a dick.

Dick joined us when he entered our office without invitation and threatened to smear us with a gross slice of pizza. None of us could stand the thought of being smeared and had forgotten the number to call 911, so we played along hoping the dick would get bored and leave the state. He didn't.

Dick is utterly evil and is the psycho who places the ads on this site despite our policy to not have advertisements and not one ad ever bringing in a penny of revenue. He fancies himself a corporate star climbing the ladder to success and also cannot convince one single person to touch him when he is unclothed. 

Dead Man’s Debt

Dead Man’s Debt

Random person 1: "Jesus, help us!"

Jesus: "Okay. What's the problem?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus just died!"

Jesus: "Well, all things must pass. This is the way it is."

Random person 1: "But Lazarus owed me some money!"

Jesus: "Jesus Christ! That is a problem! Here, I'll bring him back."

Random person 1: "Thank you so much!”

Jesus brings Lazarus back. Lazarus looks like he just spent time in the ring with both George Foreman and Mike Tyson.

Someone steps out of the small crowd after shoving several bystanders out of his way.

Crowd shover: "Say, what the fuck's going on here?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus was dead, Man. But now, thanks to Jesus. Lazarus is alive again!."

Crowd shover: “Then what the fuck did I bother killing him for?"

Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

 Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

by Jack Human on Friday, May 4, 2012 at 12:16pm

A most unusual occurrence has taken place in the city of Lisbon. A microscopic worm attacked the city showing no signs of mercy.

The worm is an unknown species which, up until the attack, has been overlooked by incompetent scientists worldwide. Even at this time, there is some disagreement among members of the scientific community as to what exact species the worm is. Also unknown is the worm’s origin, its’ appearance, and whether or not it prefers Rodney Dangerfield over Richard Pryor.

The city of Lisbon itself seems somewhat complacent about the dreadful attack. Some of the city’s inhabitants attribute the source of complacency to the fact that the worm was microscopic and that not only was it invisible to the general population, but it caused no damage to anything other than itself.

It seems that the worm squirmed out from an alleyway at what scientists predict was a speed of three weeks per inch and headed directly for a group of tourists. As the worm worked its’ way into the second inch of its gruesome attack, the tourists all got on a jet plane and headed home due to the impending end of their vacations.

Before anybody knew it, the worm turned its’ attention upon a small dog. This, apparently, was a mistake which turned out to be deadly for the worm because, as it veered toward the dog, a lumbering drug addict passed by and stepped upon the worm. The worm was not killed immediately, however. It seems to have survived on the bottom of the drug addict’s shoe until the drug addict entered a filthy alley where he meant to make a drug purchase. As the addict approached the drug dealer, he stepped in a puddle of human urine, thus ending the vicious attack of the worm upon an innocent European city (that is, if Lisbon is even in Europe. I fear my editor is too cheap to buy a globe for the office).

Many people are left wondering, where did this microscopic worm come from? Are there more worms such as this one? Is this story even true? Well, I can’t answer any of these questions myself. If possible, we at this publication will locate an expert who can answer these questions and other questions like them.

For those who may be interested, the drug addict is doing fine and has returned to his job as an engineer on a train. The addict wishes everyone well who has shown concern for him and asks that his name not be made known to the authorities.

Byline by Jack Human

Robot Fog’s Third Shorts

Robot Fog’s 3rd Shorts

Rip included.

30.

Some people care if they die but I don’t care if they die and that makes me better than them. Or they.

29.

I smell humans

And it’s not good

28.

There were knocks upon my door. After 45 minutes, I became fed up with listening to the sound and loudly asked, “Who’s there?”

A voice responded, “It’s me!”

I shouted back, “I don’t even know anybody named Me. Get lost!”

27.

Okay, filthy humans, listen up and listen up good. Do not accept game and app requests. You have no idea what the apps are doing with your info, or whether they are planting malware on your system.

Malware. Malware can run on your system through the everyday use of your web browser. It doesn't ask permission or even need to be initiated. Even new browsers like google's chrome allows some malware to come through and wreak havoc upon your computer or device.

By using all these 'apps', you are opening yourself to misery, and, when you open yourself to misery, you don't feel good, and when you don't feel good, you tend to drink too much alcohol, and when you drink too much alcohol, you wake up in pain so bad that sawing a hole in your skull would seem to be a relief, and when you wake up in pain so bad that sawing a hole in your skull would seem to be a relief, you remember how miserable you are and you start to drink alcohol. At this point, you will find yourself in a loop of drunken, painful, misery. Don't find yourself in a loop of painful drunken misery. Don't use apps unless you investigate the quality of them and the security of the code or you prefer being painfully drunk over using LSD.

26.

Rise of the Planet of the James Francos - 

A virus exterminates the human race except for people named James Franco. The remaining 16 James Francos struggle to repopulate the planet despite none of them being female. Realizing time is running out, they valiantly step up their efforts but can they succeed in rebuilding earth's human population before it is too late?

25.

Chick Chickengrubber declared, "One day I'll sell disgusting chicken that has been badly fed so it tastes shitty and inject it with crap so it looks bigger and is hard to chew."

And he did just that.

24.

Brent Castlewood discovered if he put a lot of shellack on a model's face and cranked up the lighting, he could sell phony skin products to fools incapable of grasping the difference between looking human and looking like they shouldn't exist.

23.

When you have a child, you should wait ten years before having another one. Two years later, you can leave the newer child with the older one and move to another country.

22.

All mammalian species other than filthy humans have sued to have humans given a designation other than 'mammal'.

From now on classes of vertebrates will be grouped according to FISH, REPTILE, BIRD, AMPHIBIAN and MAMMAL with SHITHEAD being used as the official designation for the species homo sapiens

Enjoy the remainder of your day, shitheads.

21.

Marketing ploy - "Be where your customers are."

Serial killer - "My customers are dead. Buried or spread around where I can’t find them."

20.

Okay!

You want DNA? I’ll give you some goddamned DNA!

Hang on. Nothing’s happening here.

Hold on.

When this happens, I’m throwing it in your eye!

Just wait…

… forget it. I just remembered that I am a robot.

19.

I’m sure that most of you are unaware that the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey was filmed in real time in the year 2001. It’s a documentary concerning the incompetence of humans.

We’re talking about a species which felt the need to create firearms, nuclear weapons, and a movie named 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The original title was supposed to be 8086: A Spacey Odysseus. It was about a guy yet to be born who rode a wooden ship to Jupiter only to be asked to leave.

18.

Exploitative multinational corporations can burn, baby, burn!

Someday, when I run this planet, there will be a limit of 14 people allowed in the world and only true necessities will be manufactured. No more automobiles, potato chips, or waffle irons, chumps.

No television. No weird socks. 

Just safe living spaces. Utopia. The entire planet will be renamed Utopia Grande.

16.

I have made it my mission to create a strain of rabies that is passed through sexual activity thus ensuring I never contract the disease myself.

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15.

Dear victims of Facebook,

Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more content to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate veterans, your children, kittens, puppies, God, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win...

14.

Nick was impressively smart and had a great head on his shoulders... so I cut it off and placed it in my collection.

13.

I was examining my prostate when I dropped it.

12.

The 20th century was tough so on the evening of December 31, 1999 at 11:59:59, I traveled forward in time to the 21st century. I had forgotten my pants, however, and had to go back for them because I didn't know if there would be pants in the 21st century

11.

Captain Jean Luc Picard walked up to the front of the Enterprise bridge.

"I have an announcement I'd like to make to the bridge." he spoke in his usual clear authoritative tone.

Commander Riker, filled with concern and apprehension, responded, "What is it Captain?"

"I'm not who you think I am.", replied Picard.

Picard reached up to his face and began peeling it off. The crew was shocked. Picard continued pulling at his mask. When finished, Picard stood before the entire crew on the bridge of the Enterprise watching their faces.

They looked back and where what seemed to be their beloved captain once stood, there was now a 3 foot Pokemon with a mustache on his forehead.

10.

Men are the unwanted children of God.

9.

he said, he said, I want to take all the bread from the mouths of the fed, attach it to the mouths of the sad, is that so bad? 

Is it really bad, he said, that you have to be dead to prevent pain from spilling from your head?

8.

Somebody is typing your name, No WAIT!, they have changed their mind and have backspaced. They are continuing their typing despite the dog slobbering on their leg but eventually you will see the message, No WAIT! They have changed their mind and have selected most of the text and removed it. Now they are considering writing more than the response "tell me baout it" but they realized they misspelled the word "about" and are canceling the entire comment.

If you are waiting, it's for nothing.

7.

After watching 5 billion tv crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I started using an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

6.

One time I went to the Marshal’s office and told him my name. He asked me what I wanted and I asked him if he knew Jeb Williams. The Marshal said he knew Jeb Williams. Jeb Williams had a small piece of land and grew some crops and hogs. Then he asked me if Jeb Williams had done something that he should know about. I told the Marshal no. I said I intended to kill Jeb Williams and the Marshal better stay out of my way.

Then the Marshal said, “Now look here. Let me tell you something. Jeb Williams is a hard worker. He helps people when he can and is liked around here by everybody. He’s got a wife and 5 children. It’d be 7 children but he mistook 2 of them for hogs and butchered them. You stay away from Jeb Williams or you will answer to me.”

Then I left the Marshal’s office to go kill Jeb Williams.

5.

I've finally started writing my suicide letter. My list of grievances is so long that it's going to take 40 years to finish it. That will be the happiest day of my life. Maybe I'll throw a party, but beware, if I leave the room, you may not want to wait around for me to come back.

4.

Do.
Don't do.
Do do.

Make up your fucking mind!

3.

If I had a brain, I’d beat you all with it.

2.

Picture, if you will, that you are looking upon an article headline which concerns a modern pop artist, the royal family, or any film or television entertainer...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1.

One time I got these 5 guys to break into a bank vault at night after disabling security. Before they started the job, I convinced 3 guys to kill the other 2 after the job was finished because we wouldn’t need those 2 anymore and we’d each have a bigger split of the loot.

After the job, all 5 guys showed up at the meeting place. When I had the 3 guys who were supposed to knock off the other 2 alone and asked why they didn’t kill the 2 guys. Their response was I didn’t tell them which 2 to kill.

Fill in the blank

  Fill in the blank

Hi kids! Fill in the blank [   ].  Have hours of fun with the entire family. 

======================

Dear [     ],

You’re a pig and a freak. Corpses are more human than you are. The fact that you weren’t stillborn proves without a doubt that there is no god.

I’d say “see you in hell” but hell has standards.

Goodbye 

Goodbye 

Goodbye

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Jack Human’s Fourth Shorts

 Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.   

30.

Jesus was one of the founding fathers of the U.S. but they wouldn't allow him to sign the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence because he was Jewish. It's a shame because we could've seen how the savior wrote his name.

29.

Well? I’m waiting for some material, you son of a goat breeder.

28.

I’ve decided to become a gun slinger. Most bullets are made of lead and could hurt people by causing lead poisoning so I’m going to make my own bullets out of hemp. I may start a business producing hemp ammo once my gun slinging days are over.

27.

Dear Dad,

If you are reading this letter, it is because I wrote it by using a pencil to draw alphanumeric characters onto a piece of paper. I wrote the characters in specific order and sometimes used punctuation as necessary in order to make it easily legible to more clearly provide you with information.

If you haven't concluded reading this letter, it is because I am still writing. Sometime soon I will stop writing, and you will have nothing more to read.

I hope you understand.

Your son,

That baby your first wife had in 2005

26.

I remember seeing the movies Young Frankenstein, Jaws, 10, Star Wars, and a bunch of others several times in the theater. If you never watched these films in the theater upon their first release, it’s likely because you weren’t born. You may be confused about whether or not you ever were born to begin with.

Well, you needn’t worry. I’ve started a company that is developing birth tests. These tests will inform you whether you’ve been born or not. The tests will be FDA approved and, if you suck at shoplifting, the tests will be covered by up to 3% of insurance companies.

If you discover you haven’t been born, we will provide experts to give birth to you.

25.

Yesterday, in Dodge City, Festus was paid $10.00 for 3 days work. He painted a barn from sunrise until sunset each day.

Today Doc said he’d pay Festus 20 cents an hour to replace his stairs.

If the sun was up for 14 hours each day for Festus to paint the barn, that means he made about 23 cents an hour.

Festus should tell Doc he wants more money for the stairwell work. If he doesn’t get the bread he deserves, Festus should take a bottle of opium from Doc.

Someday I hope to make 23 cents an hour doing a week of work in 3 days.

24.

Facebook will begin stealing your underwear at midnight tonight if you don't copy and paste this message in the next 37 seconds, forward it to everyone in your mailing list, print a hard copy for your grandmother and call your third grade teacher. This is real. I got the message first hand from Elvis who was having lunch with Bigfoot while riding the Loch Ness monster. It was even on the inside back cover of every tabloid in the grocery store checkout line.

Not only will Facebook start charging you tomorrow, they are also going to bill your credit card for the past 3 years of services. Luckily, each person who copies and pastes this status will receive a FREE unicorn in the mail tomorrow. However, if you don't repost this status, Facebook code has been set up to automatically set your computer on fire and harm an innocent bunny in the forest! It's all true, it was on the news!

23.

Michael heard a noise coming from the bedroom. He went to see what the source of the sound was and realized he was already in the bedroom.

22.

I took some photos of myself wearing no clothes and sent them out to people in order to solicit them for sex. But, coincidentally, each person so far has turned up in an obituary. That's some bad luck on my part.

21.

In response to covid 19, Jump Cut Productions is reaching out to all of you. We considered giving $700,000 to hospitals and charities, however we came to understand that our company is in the red. Therefore, we are requesting that our loyal customers rent and purchase as many of our productions as possible.

We care.

Thank you for enabling our giving.

Stay safe.

Wear a mask, a helmet, and 15 pairs of pants.

P.S.

There’s a spider on your neck.

20.

Okay. My new Jump Cut production is underway. It’s a story about a dog that is a disgrace to all dogs and lives in shame. The dog is standing by a swamp and senses an alligator nearby. The dog, whose name is Corn, walks into some tall grass and hides in silence while its human roommate calls for it. The human walks down to the swamp calling, “Corn! Corn!”, at which point a giant alligator the size of Nebraska jumps up out of the swamp and munches on the human.

The gator goes back into the water and Corn dog quietly barks so the gator can’t hear and yet it appears to anyone who happens upon the scene that Corn dog tried to save the human who used to feed him crappy leftovers.

Since I’m bored, I’ll finish this up fast. Yet, not fast enough for you to be grateful.

The community catches onto Corn dog’s cowardly behavior and shuns the miserable brute. He spends the rest of the movie trying to redeem his reputation and regain the favor he once enjoyed effortlessly. Owls avoid him and cats spit on him. Eventually, Corn dog is reduced to eating junk dropped near dumpsters. Despite several jobs, he is continually fired. Eventually, he is debased enough to seek the attention of people in their twenties who also lack self-respect.

The sheriff finds Corn dog’s lifeless body. The dog’s not dead. Just emotionally empty and filled with shame. The sheriff buries Corn dog.

Credits roll.

=============    WARNING! Viewer depression advised    =============

19.

One time I raced a guy for ownership of our vehicles and I beat him so he was supposed to give me the papers to his car. I did win the stupid race. 

But the guy drove off after losing. 

So I drove around for a while and finally saw him standing by his car. I drove by and shot him. I mean, the guy OWED ME A CAR. The very car he was standing next to when I shot him. 

So I shoot the guy and drive off thinking, "What a jerk. He's dead and he could have been alive."

I went home and was eating a banana because that is all i saw lying around when the police show up and were like, "Did you kill that guy?"

So I said yes. I killed him. I explained about how the guy drove off without giving me the damn papers after the race. I asked, "What the hell was I supposed to do?"

This one cop said, "Well, you could have stopped, gotten out of your car and taken his papers from him. Then you'd have a car and you wouldn't be going to prison."

I considered whipping the banana peel in his smart cop face but the other 15 cops had knocked me down and were handcuffing me AS IF I WAS THE BAD GUY!

18.

Detectives asked Ed Rasby to take a polygraph test. He agreed. The results showed Ed Rasby had taken a polygraph test.

17.

Today marks 4 weeks without sugar for me. No meat, dairy, flour, or pasta. I feel great. I haven’t had any nicotine. I haven’t had any alcohol either and I haven’t felt the need for it. The best thing is that my joints are no longer sore and I’m never short of breath. In fact, I’ve had no issues since my burial.

16.

How often do you masturbate?

Is the first question I ask my patients who find it disturbing because I'm a child psychiatrist. My patients are thrown off at being asked the question by a 10 year old.

My response to their consternation is simply, "Idiot, do you think child psychiatry is a motherfucking game!"

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15.

Your account password has changed which is apparently something you should do with your underwear on occasion.

14.

Dear hostages,

A few days ago I was driving my car up the street because I keep getting yelled at when I drive it over peoples’ feet. On the opposite side of the street heading toward me was some old guy on a scooter. Scooter man had a cig hanging out of his mouth and no helmet. The lack of a helmet confused me because I thought all people on a motorized device had to wear helmets. Not that I care.

So this old guy on a scooter with no helmet and a cig hanging from his lips was passing by me. I steered my car across the street, knocked the cig out of his mouth with my hand, and yelled, “This ain’t France!”

I figured I could go back to driving half on the sidewalk since there are no rules anymore.

13.

I remember 100 years ago when the Covid-19 pandemic started and we had to wear masks. When the vaccination came out, I decided to continue wearing masks even though they aren’t necessary anymore. What happened was that 6 months after wearing masks, I realized I didn’t have to brush my teeth anymore and I have no intention of ever brushing my teeth again. Two days ago, I was outside alone so I removed my mask. A bird that I was watching fell dead from a tree and a squirrel in the same tree started screaming and trying to eat it’s own face but, I’ve saved dozens of dollars on toothpaste and crappy Listerine. Life is good.

12.

I was on the highway earlier today when it occurred to me I had forgotten my car. I got off at the next exit and went home to retrieve it.

11.

I’ve a skull and nothing with which to fill it.

10.

I am really really good at Karate. I learned it when I was 4 years old and practiced daily every day since then. I've had some really good teachers and won a few contests. the FBI hired me to kill CIA agents and Mexican drug lords hired me to defend them from the Colombians. Sure, I'm not perfect. I lost a few fights, but I am good at martial arts, specializing in Karate.

I tell you all this because work has been sporadic lately. I work as a refurbisher of used baby diapers as a profession but the industry has gone to hell since the advent of disposables.

Anyway, I finally found a part time job at a massage parlor. However, I hadn't time to train myself in massaging so I fell back upon karate and broke the spine of my first client. I was shocked. I knew I wouldn't be receiving a tip and I might get reprimanded. I fought my out through the lobby breaking Suzy, the receptionist's, arm and ran away.

The problem is that I still need to find a job. Anyway, I read about an opening in the maternity ward at the hospital. I'll let you know how it works out.

9.

I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.

I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.

Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?

I totally hate newspapers.

8.

I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.

7.

I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.

6.

As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.

This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.

This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”

Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential 

If not existential.

5.

If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.

4.

I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”

There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.

3.

Dan Diarrhea was running late...

2.

I was born.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...

I weep.

1.

Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.

Then I’ll punch them. And you.

Three Strikes Don’t Make it Right

 Three Strikes Don’t Make it Right

By Robot Fog

Several Police Officers watching video:

Officer Jaden: "That's our guy! We have him on video purchasing the goods we found at the crime scene."

Officer Rodriguez: "we have to find him. I mean, look at him. What the fuck kind of hairstyle is that? It's hideous and entirely disturbing! We cannot allow this man to remain free with that goddamn hair cut! There has to be a law, or at the very least, an ordinance against it."

Officer Jaden: "hopefully there's also a law concerning his murder of 3 people."

*** ADDENDUM ***

The criminal received 3 weeks in county jail for the murder of 3 people because the victims made fewer than $27,000 per year and were considered worthless.

However, the criminal also received

15 years because his actions prevented the victims from paying auto loans and credit card debt.

12 years because local companies had fewer stock to be used as wage slaves. This included the killer himself because he would be taken out of the wage slave force and be in prison.

37 years for the haircut which the prison would handle by shaving the law breaker’s head on a monthly schedule.