Disgustions from Jack Human
30.
The prosecutor then said, "Let's cement the case against this young man."
To which the detective asked, "What? Are we running a fraternity now? Why don't we find more evidence and tie it to the suspect so we can get a conviction?"
"Because," responded the DA, "we don't want the evidence falling off the guy. Cement will hold better than rope."
29.
Commander: “Doctor, what kind of a sea beast would be that large?”
Doctor: “None of your fucking business!”
Commander: “That woman assistant you have is a woman. Do we really need her?”
Doctor: “Professor Leslie Joyce is a trained professional and highly qualified in her field. We need her more than we need you, you military fuck-faced simpleton.”
Commander: “I’m telling you, Doctor. She’s a woman.”
Doctor: “Why don’t you fuck off and die already?”
Commander: “Do you think she’ll go out with me?”
Doctor: “Why the fuck don’t you ask her, you shithead? I don’t own her.”
Commander: “I think I will ask her out.”
Professor Joyce: “I’ve been standing here the entire time. Don’t waste your breath, Commander Fuckface.”
Doctor: “Don’t worry about him, Professor. I slipped something radioactive in his milk. He won’t be bothering either of us for long.”
Sea Beast (watching through the porthole of the military vessel and weeping): “No one even remembers I’m here anymore.”
28.
Detective: "Take your time and tell us if one of these people is the murderer"
Witness: "There! That one!"
Detective: "Which one?"
Witness: "The murderer"
Detective: "Which one is the murderer?"
Witness: "That one!"
Detective: "Which one?"
Witness: "The murderer!"
Detective: "Will you fucking point to whoever the hell you're talking about?"
27.
Doctor Crusher: “Number None. I’d like you to look at this brain scan.”
Number None: “Don’t be a fool, Doctor. I don’t have a brain.”
26.
Detective: “Ma’am. I think we need to narrow down the circumstances around your husband’s death. Can you tell me what he was doing right up to the moment he died?”
Mrs. Caldwell: “Living.”
Detective: “Can you tell me how you know that he was living?”
25.
“Hey! You’re that guy!”
“Yes, I am.”
“Get the fuck out of my mirror before I knife you!”
24.
Football team captain: "Coach. Coach! Are you okay?"
Disoriented Coach: "I think so but I'm not sure if my wife is happy anymore and I've been concerned about losing my job."
Team Captain: "That's sad but I'm more concerned about the plane crash we just had."
Coach: "I'm not sure these shoes fit well either."
Captain: “The shoes do appear overly tight.”
23.
Scene: In the local saloon the Marshal socks a guy in the face, picks him up off the floor by his collar. When the guy is standing, the Marshal holds the guy so the guy is facing away from the Marshal and can’t throw any punches.
Marshal: “You’re going to jail.”
Guy: “Ain’t no jail what can hold me!”
Marshal: “Fine then.”
We see the Marshal turn the guy around and shoot him in the face. The Marshal tosses a rope over a beam and hangs the guy.
Marshal: “Let’s see you get of the cell now.”
The Marshal looks to an acquaintance.
Marshal: “Help me carry him to the jail.”
Acquaintance: “Wouldn’t it have been easier to walk him over to the jail and kill him there?”
Marshal: “I like the way you think. What do you say to being my deputy?”
Acquaintance: “Well that depends. It doesn’t involve having sex with you, does it?”
Marshal: “Well, I don’t know about that. Are you a man or a woman?”
(Tune in next week)
22.
Mother: “When I met your father he was totally naked and waving his arms everywhere.”
Daughter: “Mom, that’s crazy! Why the fuck was he naked?”
Mother: “I had just given birth to him.”
21.
Captain James T. Kirk: “Bones!”
Bones: “she’s dead, Jim.”
Kirk: “What did she die of?”
Bones: “Severe brain hemorrhaging.”
Kirk: “She had a severe brain?”
20.
The victim of a violent robbery lies upon the ground. He’s hurt badly. Marshal Dillon is concerned and asking the victim about the incident. The victim is in a bad way and struggles to speak.
Victim: “I was robbed. He took all the cash I was taking to the bank.”
Marshal: (concerned. Leaning over the hurt man) who did this to you? Tell me, what did he look like? Can you describe him?”
Victim: “red shirt. He wore a red shirt.
Marshal: “Okay. Can you tell me anything more about him?”
Victim: “He has a lot of money.”
19.
Next week on “Crassie” -
“This pie tastes worse than my crotch!”
18.
Dave: “Are you seeing anyone, Cynthia?”
Cynthia: “I DID have a boyfriend but he died after I killed him.”
Dave: “I’m really sorry. I promise if you kill me, I won’t die”
17. Scene from season 1 of The Walking Dead
Walkers invaded the camp where the characters had been safe from walkers until this incident. Jim was bitten by a walker. Knowing he would die and become a danger, the group left Jim under a tree by a road to die without becoming a threat. He was handed a pistol to allow him to make the decision of turning into an undead or to take control and prevent his turning by using the revolver on his head.
"You keep your boy close. You don't never let him out of your sight."
Is what Jim told Lori who years after being given Jim’s advice was even now watching her 45 year old son nail a broad in the back of his severely dilapidated Prius.
16.
"Hello. May I ask who's calling?"
"Someone using a telephone."
============= WARNING! NEWS BREAK! =============
Anthony’s Weiner was released from federal prison in Massachusetts. The weiner served time for digitally exposing itself.
Upon its release, the weiner stated it felt fresh and hoped to avoid the abuse it had suffered in the past.
Talk to your doctor if your weiner feels the need to expose itself.
============= NEWS BREAK BREAKS =============
15.
Marketing associate: "You brush your teeth twice a day diligently but 80% of the bacteria in your mouth comes from your anus..."
[ Pause ]
Client: "Stop right there! Great work. We'll broadcast these ads right to the dog's collar radio".
14.
Therapist: “Your job? The one that took you away from everyone you cared about. What was it?”
Patient: “Used underwear salesman.”
13.
Unknown man stands up at the end of a meeting table: "Painters of art say, if a new art is born, it will be born out of disgust."
Business manager: "Excuse me, just how did you get into the boardroom?"
Unknown man: “Your niece brought me here. We've been having sex under the table."
(The filthy business manager looks under the table)
Business manager: “That's my wife!"
Unknown man: "What the hell do I care? This meeting is pointless anyway.”
12.
Sheriff: (grimly looking over a dead body) :
"We've got to find out who murdered this man."
Deputy: "if you ask me, it was the killer."
Scene: A courtroom. The sheriff is on the witness stand.
Sheriff: "I had no choice. I had to kill my deputy. Any one of you would have done the same thing."
11.
Suspect: "Terry Dover? I had to kill her, for you see, I loved her. But I had no choice but to kill her. It was either that or tell her how I felt.”
10.
Mary Jane: "Everything is a mess. It can't get any worse."
Irene: "It'll certainly never get any worse than that ensemble you're wearing"
9.
Scene: A cave in the jungle. A man lies wrapped in webbing from a giant spider. His two friends clear the webbing from his disfigured face. A local cop hears the people and finds the couple looking horrified over seeing the body of their friend.
The cop approaches the body and feels for a pulse on the seemingly deceased man. The policeman looks saddened and passes his hand over the man's face to close the eyes.
Woman: "Is he dead?"
Policeman: "Yes."
Woman (shaking and crying a little): "Well, we can't just leave him here!"
Policeman: "Well, if you love him so much, why don't you marry him?"
8.
Woman on the phone: “Police?”
Police: “Yes.”
Woman: “Somebody buried something in my backyard over by the barn. My cat kept scratching at the dirt so I started digging. You gotta send someone out here. I found a person’s arm in the hole!”
Police: “Just an arm?”
Woman: “I’m sure there’s a body down there.”
Police: “Is there an entire body down there or not?”
Woman: “What difference does it make? I found a human arm. Are you going to send someone out here?”
Police: “We’re the fucking police, damn it! We don’t have time to waste on body parts. Call us back when you dig up an entire body!” (Hangs up)
Woman: (looks at her cat) “If you were a dog, I’d kick you.”
7. Scene from The Walking Dead
Scene: Herschel and Merle are in the prison being used as a place of safety from the undead. Herschel is missing a leg.
Merle (to Herschel): "what happened to your leg?"
Herschel: "I got bit."
Merle: "Bit? Did you cut it off yourself?"
Herschel: "Rick did. Of course, at the time he didn't know I’d been bit."
============= ADVERTISEMENT STARTS =============
Tonight on "Suits"
A man wearing a suit places his left hand in his pants pocket, strolls down a hallway to a large window, and gazes out over the city. A second man in a suit appears next to the first man and places both his hands in his pants pockets. Both men look out the window with the calm appearance of self-satisfaction.
Forty minutes later, the credits roll.
============= ADVERTISEMENT OVER =============
6.
Bank teller: “Mr. Barkin?”
Barkin: “Yes?”
Bank teller: “There are some folks here to see you.”
Barkin: “Okay.”
Bank teller: “In your underwear”
Barkin: “Huh? Uhhhh. Wait a minute and show them in.”
5. Identification Thief
Police detective: “Excuse me Sir. Do you recognize any of the people in these photos?”
(Places 7 photos on the table top. The witness studies the photos closely.)
Witness: “they all look like Mark Wahlberg except this one.”
(The Witness Points to the photo furthest on his right with the face he can’t identify)
Witness: “Who is that?”
Detective: “Mark Wahlberg”
4. Absolute Authority
Suspect: “So he bit me. He couldn’t fight like a man. What does that prove?”
Police Detective: “It proves you had all the motive in the world to kill him.”
Suspect: “Him and the 70 other guys who’ve bitten me! You’re going to have to do better than that.”
Police Detective: “You see this badge?”
Suspect: “Yeah. What of it?”
Police Detective: “I got it from a box of cracker jacks.”
Suspect: “Oh, shit!”
3. Pulling Rank
Uniformed Policeman: “There’s no broken glass from the window outside the house. It’s all inside the house. And, there’s a rock on the floor inside.”
Detective: “Somebody broke into the house.”
Uniformed Policeman: No shit, Sherlock! Where’d you get your badge, a box of cracker jacks?”
Detective: “My name’s not Sherlock.”
2. Interview with an Idiot
Scene: inside of a police interview room. There’s a two way mirror on one wall and a camera in an upper corner of the ceiling. The table in the room is noticeably dusty. The suspect is on one side of the table a little bit fidgety and looking toward a detective.
Police Detective: “Would you say you’re good friends with Bart Tolbey?”
Suspect: “I’ve seen him naked if that’s what you mean.”
Police Detective: “That’s not what I mean at all.”
1. The worst offense
Sheriff pulls over to the side of the road. A truck is parked to the side. It's the desert and the hillsides are barren despite being wilderness. The Sheriff exits his vehicle and approaches an officer who is looking over the body of a deceased male sprawled upon the ground.
Sheriff: "what have we got here?"
Patrolman: "A dead body sir."
Sheriff: "I see."
The patrolman waves over to the small freight truck.
Patrolman: "His vehicle is illegally parked."
Sheriff: "My god!"
