Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

 Dick Dribble’s Leaked Shorts

Hi, Dick Dribble here. I decided to add value to this site without even bothering to inform Robot or Jack. What I do is none of their business. That cad, Robot, may as well be a toaster oven.

In reverse order like my life:

29.

Hey, it’s me!

That guy you intended to kill but you couldn’t afford the ammo!

If you’d like, I can loan you the cash.

28.

I have an idea for a 90 minute snuff film which is made by just following Jason Statham around with a camera while he kills people. Call me, Hollywood, or you will be in the film.

27.

Hi, I'm a 90 year old actor who wants to tell you about this anti-aginig product. This product will remove your wrinkles by shrinking your pores and filling in the remaining droopy wrinkly skin like bondo.

You see, I don't look the way you see me now. I have a team of specialists shellacking my face with smootheners and a cinematographer who is using a filter that would make a shrunken penis look like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So buy this crap now.

26.

Yes, it's true I often cry after sex but, in my defense, the thorns on the rose bushes are drawing blood from my legs as I stand outside the bedroom window

25.

I've decided to refer to everyone I speak to as "dollface" and then ask if they'd care to see my chest.

24.

Just because two or more people are having sex, it doesn’t mean they have to be in the same room while doing it

Quoted from -

Artificial Ignorance

23.

Dear Severe nipple heads,

Life is not as difficult as you make it.

Burn in hell.

Yours sincerely,

Buford Puffer

22.

Prosecutor: “When was the last time you had seen Mr. Jones?”

Defendant: “It was when we were in the same room together at the same time. My eyes were open.”

Prosecutor: “Did you attack Mr. Jones with this aluminum baseball bat I’m holding?”

Defendant: “How the hell would I know? I had closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t get blood in them!”

21.

Welcome to Tiny Bladder Productions.

We hope you enjoyed our dribble.

20.

After many failed attempts, I have finally found a way to successfully weaponize my sperm.

19.

7 billion people per day have to go to bed after having nothing but stale crap for dinner. Now, for the low cost of 19 cents per day, you can ensure that one small child can go to sleep with a tummy full of fresh crap while the other 6,999,999,999 people still go to sleep with stomachs full of stale crap like they deserve to.

18.

I was wondering why I don’t stab every person I see. Then I realized I’d left my knife at home.

17.

I've decided to stop wearing underwear since I just peed myself and I'm also seriously considering getting butt implants on my head!

16.

I just found a squirrel in my underwear. Shots were fired.

**** publisher’s note ****

We here at Broken Trains are happy that the squirrel escaped but sad that Dick Dribble survived. We do not in any way support the existence of Dick Dribble.

**** END publisher’s note ****

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15.

The Rise of Dickjerker

Coming in a theater near you!

Bring a raincoat. There won’t be a dry eye in the house.

14.

If I smell like a baby, it's because I pooped myself.

13.

Overheard on the bridge of the USS Enterprise.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish brewing my coffee.”

12.

I might consider using Viagra but, with my luck, would probably just wind up fucking myself.

11.

Facebook is the opium of the bastards

10.

I just wrote a song titled, "I am your mother's prostitute". I have another in the works named, "Your lips hardly feed me".

9.

No matter what I wore, I always wondered if people could see my bladder leak absorbing underwear. Now I wear it on the outside of my clothing so I can be sure it’s noticed.

Maybe I’ll wear my bladder on the outside and eliminate the need for expensive absorbing underwear.

8.

If I were a doctor, I’d kill all the other doctors in town. Then I’d be the only doctor in town and such a valuable commodity that I could get away with murder.

7.

Hey! It's me, that jerk you'd all like to see dead!

Well I'm going to make your wish come true but it's going to cost you $15.00

That's $15.00 per viewing. So if you walk away and decide you want another view, it will cost another $15.00.

6.

I was forcibly removed from philosophy class for kicking somebody in the Kant.

5.

While you jerks were out jerkin' it, I legally changed my name to Dwight: "Dwight Ransom". My friends call me "Handsome Ransom", even though I'm not handsome. And I don't have any friends, so pretty much nobody calls me that. What's my point? Why don't YOU tell ME!

6.

Moss Doodleman, Putrid Buttstink, and Dick Puller all walk into a bar...

And are asked to leave.

5.

Hi! I’m a dick.

When a traffic light turns green, I stay where I am and play with myself for up to 70 minutes even if the streets are clear of other vehicles. 

It’s important I do this because I’m a dick.

Did I mention I’m a dick?

4.

After watching 5 billion televised true crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I now use an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

Thank you, true crime shows.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

3.

Dr. Dick Dribble was sitting across the desk from his newest patient, Abatha Cranberk.

"So, how long have you been a doctor?", asked Abatha. 

"Oh, since I placed 'Dr.' in front of my name 2 weeks ago.", replied Doctor Dribble.

2.

Salad dressing? Salad isn't a Barbie doll that you play with and dress up for fun. DO YOU THINK EATING SALAD IS A MOTHERFUCKING GAME?

1. Pain free services

If you suffer from muscle pains and cramps in your legs or your feet, for a small fee, I will remove your legs or your feet. You will be entirely relieved of all discomfort and pain for the cost of merely $1.79. Do your legs suffer pains and cramps, but your feet are no trouble at all? For $2.56, I will remove your legs while leaving your feet.

Call now. 877.pai.nless

Jack Human’s Sixth Shorts

Jack Human’s Sixth Shorts

Shorter than you can ever hope to be

30.

Life. Love it or go the hell back to from where you came!

29.

Does anybody know if I'm a serial killer? I'd ask the last 10 people I ran into but they're all dead.

28.

Spring Brucesteen awoke with a jerk. He knew it was a jerk because the jerk had brought a sandwich to bed and there was jelly all over the sheets…

27.

I went to my dentist yesterday. She said my teeth are great. Too good for me. So she knocked them out.

The advantage is that I don’t have to go back because they have my teeth there and can check them without having to look at my ugly mug.

26.

I remember one time I was doing something and it didn't turn out as expected so then I believed in god.

Oh, and I had sex with a muskrat.

25.

When my doctor told me I needed to lose weight before my knee surgery, I told him I’d lose 50% of my weight if he’d get the fuck off my back. And anyway, my shitty insurance won’t cover goddamned surgery performed by knees.

24.

Now looky here, you federation fiends. I’m only going to say this once. I think the federation is lying about transporters. They don’t exist. I’ve never seen one.

Transporters can’t possibly be a thing. Do you know how easy it would be to spray Lysol or Raid into the atoms of someone who is materializing?

You could just spray WD-40 into the atoms and the atoms wouldn’t even stick together.

FAKERS!

23.

Jesus Christ! Picard just ordered all hands to abandon ship. How the hell is the crew supposed to work without hands?

22.

NEW JUMP CUTS PRODUCTION:

Our latest movie recorded on Scotch tape rather than film or subpar digital footage is about the Society for the Total Extinction of Non-Conforming Humans.

STENCH

Prepare to over inebriate and to experience STENCH during the 15 minutes it will be shown in a theater 45 minutes from you.

21.

Death is the leading cause of apathy among dead people.

20.

I asked the woman in Dunkin Donuts to get the hottest coffee they have and throw it in my face.

Stat!

19.

I don't have an issue with violence - unless it is directed towards me.

18.

I’m starting my 3rd production company. Now, along with the successful NecropR0n Productions and Jump Cuts Productions, you all will thrill at the magnificent Shitty Filters Productions. That’s SFP for those who can’t read anything other than letters.

Shitty Filters Productions will create movies, television shows, and ads that are filtered in order to prevent our audiences from having to be distracted by actors and sets that are visually clear. This way we can encourage the viewer to imagine what may be occurring onscreen while they quit trying to pay attention and begin wondering what they will feed their kids for dinner.

Shitty Filters Productions may not be the first, however, we intend to be the best at enabling our customers, making you, our unfortunate customer, know what it is like to have cataracts.

17.

My bucket list just lists a bucket.

16.

Once, while I was eating dinner, my mustache fell off and landed in my bowl of beef stew. I thought, “What the hell? I’ve been in hairier situations than this” and finished the stew.

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15.

The town called my phone, but not me, to leave a message concerning how prevalent bird flu is right now and warned us to avoid dead birds and all dead, sick, or strange animals. Watch your pets to ensure they don’t do anything that might get them infected.

The recording said I don’t have to worry because I’m the one who gave the birds the flu.

I can’t figure out why everybody calls my phone and not me.

14.

I was scheduled to have minor surgery today but the truant officer caught up with the surgeon and brought him back to school.

13.

I have an idea to start a business. If anyone is interested, maybe I can hire you.

The idea: Condoms are big business now and are very important for sexually active people who wish to retain their health. Condoms are uncomfortable.

Our condoms will be made from cheesecloth. They will be washable and reusable. The condom will be so entirely comfortable that people who sport a penis, whether male or female, will be tempted to never take it off.

Our goal is to make the public wearing of condoms stylish so they will be worn to concerts and sport events.

Who wants in on this?

12.

Jesus Christ! You have to be 21 years old to buy pot now? It used to be 13 years old.

God, I hate modern times.

11.

The Lone Ranger is riding his horse, Silver, with a child while they are chased by goons.

The ranger rides up a hill a bit and jumps off his horse, gets behind a rock, and starts shooting at the goons but he tells the kid to stay on the horse. When the goons start shooting back the kid is entirely exposed.

Back behind the goons' rock, one of them is shot in the leg and starts whining. The other goons stopped shooting to listen to the whiner providing the Lone Ranger and Tonto an opportunity to bust them.

After the ranger and Tonto bring the goons in, they go riding off with the Lone Ranger screaming "Hi yo, Silver! Away!" As if the horse is too stupid to know what being kicked and having it's head jerked around means.

10.

This dope on an episode of Charlie's Angels just blew open a safe. I think he spent more on the C4 explosive than he found in the safe.

Not the best business planning. 

Who knew that the majority of criminals go bankrupt due to bad business decisions?

9.

Sometimes I think of myself as an idiot but then will talk to someone else and realize I’m not as bad as I thought I was.

8.

Idaho politicians voted to change the image of the state by renaming it to "Udaho".

7.

Pain is a universal human experience, so sit back and enjoy it.

6.

What Is the Outlook for Ankylosing Spondylitis?

"Ankylosing spondylitis is a chronic, progressive disease that often leads to disability. With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life."

"With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life"

well who the fuck wants that?

5.

I'm getting better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else.

4.

I arrived at work this morning and was feeling good until I found the door was unlocked.

3.

I've opened The Center for Biological Perversity.

The man with two penises counts as two members, or he would have if we hadn’t banned one of the penises for not wearing shoes.

2.

This is similar to that time I had Worf take the ship to the Veridian system at full warp, then when we were 20 miles from the Veridian System, I had the ship turned around so we could go back and get the Archie comics I had left on Mars station.

I also had to pee and had no intention of using a restroom in the filthy Veridian system.

1.

People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.

Disgustions from Jack Human 3

 Disgustions from Jack Human the Third

30.

“Do you have Rosacea with bumps and pimples on your face?”

“No”

“Would you like to?”

29.

“You’re the one who killed Chad.”

“Chad deserved to die! His name was Chad!”

28.

"So, what are you doing in my court room today?"

"The plaintiff stiffed me, your honor."

"Aren't you a prostitute?"

27.

“True love never dies.”

“It will when I get my hands on it.”

26.

Cop: “so, can you think of any reason Sheila might want to see you dead?”

Wounded Victim: “I think it’s because she doesn’t want to see me live.”

25.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish perking my coffee.”

24.

"My wife can't stand seeing anyone who's not married"

”Well, if she's your wife, why is she seeing anyone at all, loser?”

23.

Inspector Henderson: "Things got pretty bad for you back in 1984. You lost your job, and your wife."

Suspect: "First, what the hell do you mean by “things”? Second, I lost my wife at my job. Along with a tuna salad I had been looking forward to eating. Can't you cops get anything straight?"

22.

"Frustrated women (I mean they're frustrated)

Have to be in by twelve o'clock (oh, that's a shame)

But I'm wishin' and a hopin', oh

That just once those doors weren't locked"

- The Standells

"Me too"

- The Boston Strangler.

21.

A jerk gives his child a gift. A stuffed animal. Not a real animal. Just a make believe one.

Daughter: "Thank you Daddy! Can I call him Wilbur?"

Daddy: "Sure, Honey! As long as you don't call him Wilbur."

20.

Doctor: “He’s your father.”

Patient: “But we have nothing in common!”

Doctor: “Yes, you do. Your mother. You and your father both loved her.”

Patient: “But he never had sex with her.”

19.

"I'm going to run the DNA through CODIS."

"Why don't you run the DNA through your face!"

"I don't like you. In fact, everyone in the crime lab hates you."

18.

Parent:  “If you have to have sex, have sex with a condom.”

Teenager:  “What if I’m not attracted to condoms, you sick disgusting pig?”

19.

Surgeon to patient: "It's okay. Things were hairy for a while there but you're going to be okay."

Patient: "MY LEG!"

Surgeon: Yes. I'm afraid it was severed but we reattached it and it will heal just fine."

Patient: "You attached it to my shoulder, you moron!"

Surgeon: “There’s no need to be rude. I’m not going to accept your insurance.”

18.

Reporter jerk: "why do you keep ripping off so many people?"

Business jerk: "well, they're not going to rip themselves off, are they?"

(Laughs)

(Beat)

Business jerk: (getting serious) "seriously though, if these chumps had more money, I could cut back and maybe even take a vacation. The economy sucks"

19.

Police Inspector:  “Where were you when Mr. Hurd was being murdered?”

Suspect:  “I was standing in front of him cutting his throat with this knife. What does that prove?”

18.

God :  "who told thee thou is naked?"

Adam: "I can see it in this selfie I took, you dick! If we're in your image, why don't we have robes? What are you, a perv?"

17.

Mother: “This whole love affair is in your mind.”

Dana: “You’re wrong. I don’t have a mind.”

Aunt: “Dana, you and Ryan can be together just the way you always wanted to be.”

Dana: “In a pickle jar?”

16.

911: “Please state the nature of the emergency.”

Man: “I found what looks like a human skull.”

911: “Where did you find this object?”

Man: “Inside of a human head.”

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15.

Patient: "Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my side."

Doctor: "What does it feel like?"

The patient pulls a knife out of the side of his body and jams it into the doctor's left side, waits a beat then twists the knife once and lets go of it.

Doctor ( clutching his side and grimacing ): "You could have used words. I understand English, you dick!"

14.

A doctor and an intern are walking down a hallway in the surgical wing of a hospital. The intern is feeling deeply disturbed. It was the intern’s third surgical procedure and the young intern cut a patient open to look at his heart. It turned out the heart wasn’t why the patient needed surgery. The intern hadn’t thought he should cut the patient open but another seriously dickish intern goaded him into it.

Doctor: "It was a mistake. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, I once removed the wrong testicle."

Intern: "Was it your own?"

13.

Lieutenant Columbo is speaking with a suspect.

Kennicutt: “Listen lieutenant, my marriage to my wife might have seemed strange to an awful lot of people. My wife was young enough to be my daughter but we loved each other completely. We even considered having a child together. A child named Bix Billingsly.

Now, does that answer your question?”

Columbo: “Possibly. I’m not recalling asking that question, though.”

12.

"I’m afraid you have 10 years to live. You're going to have to quit your job"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. You are going to have to spend all your time whacking it to this one playboy magazine from 1974. I'm sorry. It's all we can do for you. Anything you'd like to say?"

"Yes. I need a new pornologist.”

11.

"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."

"Live children.”

10.

Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”

Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “what is it?”

Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”

Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”

Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”

9.

"Pooh?", said Piglet.

"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.

"I want to kill you."

8.

Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"

Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."

Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"

Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"

7.

Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24 hours."

Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”

6.

A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.

Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”

Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”

5.

30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”

God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”

4.

Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"

Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"

3.

Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."

Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"

Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"

2.

In the apocalypse...

Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”

Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”

Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”

1.

Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"

Joey: "I want you dead!"

Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

---------------------------------

Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"

Cindy: "Your corpse!"

Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.

Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

Man Shoots Thing

 The Daily Harbinger As reported by The Huffington Post in 2013

[some links may no longer be valid]

A truck driver has died after accidentally shooting off his own penis.

Geronimo Narciso had been drinking with friends in Pangasinan, in the Philippines, when he produced his gun and fired it twice into the air. 

Mr. Narciso was tucking the gun into his waistband after his friends implored him to put it away, when it fired into his crotch, the Huffington Post reported. 

The 37-year-old was rushed to a nearby hospital, but he was declared dead on arrival. The penis, however, made a clean getaway upon being separated from the man and is believed to be using a forged ID.

Though police say there are no signs of foul play, Narciso's family insist he neither owned a gun nor a chicken with which to be fowl and have requested further investigation. Witnesses, on the other hand claim that it was the penis who owned the pistol but that the victim, Geronimo Narciso, had wrestled it away after having had a few drinks.

Chrislann Farbo, one of the men who witnessed the incident is reported as stating, “It was horrible. Once the gun went off and the penis was separated and falling to the ground, we could hear it yell, "Geronimooooooooo!" Some of the boys take this to mean the penis regrets the entire incident. We hope it doesn’t get in trouble over this.”

SEE ALSO: Man, 70, Has Fork Removed From Penis (Includes graphic)

According to Inquirer.net, Senior Inspector Ryan Manongdo said a pistol with four live ammunitions and several spent shells were found in the area. 

Earlier this year a security guard in Trinidad and Tobago accidentally shot off his penis with an illegal gun. The Trinidad and Tobago Guardian reported the man survived the incident but was expected to be charged with illegal possession of a firearm and ammunition. Accidental penis shooting accidents were also reported in Florida, Arizona, and Washington in 2012 however, in the U.S., firearms cannot be considered illegal though possession of a penis is considered a criminal offense in some locations where penises are required to be disposed of when replaced by a firearm.

Authorities suspect that Florida penis shootings are not accidents.

Dr. Hubert Drone was not consulted for this article but insisted on stating, “The number of penis shootings by males is growing tremendously. This might be seen as an indication that men are becoming penophobic and expressing their fear of their own penises with violence. There is speculation within the mental health industry that this is highly likely Vladimir Putin's destiny. Despite claiming to be Russian, it is believed that Putin is in fact a Floridian. If I were counseling a man on this topic, I would say, ‘Don't be a penophobe. Learn to love your penis if you still have one’.  After all, we are each connected in some way.”

BREAKING UPDATE:

The huffingtonpost.co.uk has printed a retraction. The title of the story is not "Truck Driver Dies After Accidentally Shooting Off Own Penis" but is "Truck Driver Dies After Violently Jerking His Penis Off" and the authorities are now uncertain as to whether the incident was an accident.

Each source for the originally wrongly reported story are now claiming they do not exist.

Stay tuned or lubed or stoned. Whatever gets you through the night.

➖➖➖➖➖➖

Sadly, today’s news in 2020 contains another man versus penis incident. A man attempted to assassinate his penis. In the shooter’s defense, the penis was holding a knife to his scrotum. The shooter apparently was not well trained in use of the weapon and the penis escaped unscathed.

https://www.newsweek.com/man-shoots-himself-groin-showing-off-gun-supermarket-1533478
Backup link to a different source: https://katu.com/news/local/oregon-man-shoots-himself-in-groin-area-after-showing-off-gun-in-grocery-checkout

As your soul protector, it is my responsibility to recommend not to search the internet with the phrase “macon man shoots himself in the groin“.

Similar stories:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/gun-accident/jail-for-accidental-shooting-184963

https://www.cbsnews.com/sacramento/news/man-shoots-his-own-penis/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/michael-smeriglio-accidentally-shoots-own-penis_n_1871984

https://www.vice.com/en/article/gun-enthusiasts-celebrate-man-who-shot-himself-in-the-balls-as-their-king/

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On the next episode of CONTINUUM, a woman insists on continuuming what she is doing despite being politely asked to stop.

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Jack Human’s Fifth Shorts

Jack Human’s Fifth Shorts

Short enough to reach your ankles

30.

If I were Kyle Reese, the jerk sent back to 1984 to save Sarah Connor, the moment I heard the crappy 80’s music, I would have quit.

No wonder the machines hate humans.

29.

Everyone who is lying -- your pants are on fire!

28.

I firmly believe that, if I'm good enough, a demon will occasionally toss water on me as I burn in hell.

27.

Thrill as Jump Cuts releases our latest production:

“Banana-Man: Man of Peel”

26.

There are advertisements for Lume Body Deodorant by the woman who created it.

In one of the ads, did Lume lady refer to the vag as a thigh-fold, or a thigh-hole?

I’m becoming confused.

I can’t remember what she referred to the dink area as in the Mando commercial. I think she also referred to male butt cracks too, but if she’s an ogbyn, how does she know men have butt cracks? Wouldn’t all her patients be women?

Maybe I should have done something other than jerk it during sex education class.

25.

"Courage! You know nothing about courage! Have you ever been asked to take a sip from someone's drink at a picnic?"

24.

If you want children to be quiet, stop teaching them to speak.

23.

I heard if you eat the living heart taken from any creature, you take the creature's power, so I ate the heart of a bird expecting to fly but all I did was crap myself and fall down. Next time I'm going to try turkey heart instead of chicken.

22.

I hate being in a rut, so sometimes I get dressed before I take a shower.

21.

That sandwich I just ate.

I'm looking at it like, "This tuna looks like shit. Why's it THAT brown?"

Then I realized we don't have tuna so I was thinking, "Well chicken salad shouldn't look like this either. And why is the mayonnaise so thick? This is messed up. I'm not eating this."

Then as I was preparing to complain, it occurred to me that it was fluffernutter and not mayonnaise. And I'm like, "Well, what's this other stuff?"

And it hit me it is peanut-butter. 

Or was peanut-butter because I ate the sandwich and, like my soul, it no longer exists.

20.

The year flies by

The day drags

19.

A documentary titled The Grey is on. It’s the true story of a jerk who prevents wolves from eating a number of savage humans because the jerk wants to eat the other humans himself in case they don’t make it to a convenience store where he can buy some M&Ms.

A decent human would just share the other humans with the goddamned wolves.

Eventually, the surviving wolves are informed that human bodies are polluted with dangerous medications, artificial chemical additives in their garbage meals, unhealthy skin lotions, and inhaled heavy carbon emissions along with tobacco and cheap methamphetamines. The surviving wolves say, “fuck this”, and signal a decent species in another solar system to come take them the hell off of earth which they determine is a planet that doesn’t deserve a capitalized name.

18.

One time when I was a cop we needed to open the door of a house quickly so I kicked it really hard. The door didn’t break open but my leg broke completely off. I picked up the leg and leaned on it like a cane and kind of hobbled back to the sidewalk where I waited for an ambulance. The other cops killed everyone inside the house and went home. But, as usual, we were at the wrong address and the ambulance never arrived for me. Three days later I died on the sidewalk.

17.

It's a really great feeling being outside and I don't feel like killing myself. I'm making an appointment with my therapist to correct that.

16.

I found a hole in my head and then fell into it.

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15.

Hi, I'm a Hollywood jerk and I'm looking for some white jerks to play the parts of an Asian, an African American, and a Native American.

I also need a white guy to play the female lead.

14.

How am I supposed to stop my corpse from biting people when I'm dead? 😰

13.

Nothing except everything compares to you.

12.

Today I ordered $700.00 of ghost porn over the internets. I love ghost porn, but I'm going to have to hire a ghost whisperer to tell me what they're doing. The company I purchased it from said it will just look like travelogues and real estate video's to someone who is not a spiritualist.

11.

Hi,

   I know you come here to read about the releases of my exciting jump cut movies but today I want to discuss a project in which I act rather than direct. 

   In this exciting film, I play the part of an 87 year old who has a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Sometimes it’s sunny outside when we stand next to our home and other times darkness leers upon the outside of the house while we sleep inside. Despite being 87 years old, I also have brown hair!

   The most exciting part of this project is that I refuse to act for any director other than myself and I wanted to concentrate on my acting so I didn’t bother with cameras or recording in any way.

   The project will be in theaters soon. So remember not to bring snacks because the team working the lobby need your support since my production company siphons every penny possible from the theater owners who pocket as much as possible before stiffing their own employees.

   Come to think of it, I get to keep all the money I would have given my lead actor in order to keep it out of the hands of theater employees.

   Due to our innovative use of no cameras, this is the greatest of all jump cut movies ever produced! Jump cuts too fast for the eye to grasp!

   Guaranteed not one scene you will regret viewing. The most comprehensively visually perfect movie you, or anyone who steals your wallet and comes to the show, will ever see!

10.

I was taking my pants off when I suddenly realized I wasn’t wearing pants. I totally needed to get sewn back up but I realized that doctors are expensive. I considered getting a seamstress to sew my skin back on but I don’t think seamstresses even exist anymore. So I found a hooker who did the job for $25.00. I considered it a gyp but figured there was no choice. On the positive side, the hooker said she also does tire rotations for $15.00. I’m going to ask what it would cost to maybe patch up my lower body where the skin didn’t quite line up. My stupid faucet is leaking too.

9.

I think it sucks that after you die, you can’t stay in your home.

8.

It’s not true romance if someone doesn’t get stuck with the bill.

7.

Time Crime:

Time heals all wounds

After having caused the wounds

Time is a jerk

Time wounds all heels

Time is a commotion
Which ends in a bore

Without the E

Time is Tim

Time is stalking you!

Time wears running shoes

Time will run out on you.

6.

BEWITCHED:

Samantha falls in love with New York ad exec Darren Stephens who promptly attempts to coerce Sam to deny her nature and conform to his vision of what a woman should be.

She guts him with a talking bed warmer

5.

Jump Cuts Productions is pleased to announce our first foray into a weekly tv show titled “Jerked by an Angel”.

It’s the weekly story of an angel assigned to jerk people’s strings and manipulate their emotional well-being through the use of heavenly powers in order to coerce characters to conform to God’s expectations rather than trusting individuals to find their own way in an often confusing and brutal world which God created to begin with.

The audience will thrill on a weekly basis as Jump Cut Productions applies our own unique jump cut take on stories guaranteed to excite and confuse the viewer.

Thrill as a teenager on drugs drives into a dumpster and bursts into flames while an angel laughs!

Tune in or we’ll telemarket and robocall you!

4.

I recall that when I was a child, people kept their telephones attached to a wall or floorboard in order to prevent the telephones from being stolen. It was common for people to take the telephones of others because, telephones were of great value, as opposed to now when telephones are worthless and no one even cares if they lose one. From what I hear, some people prefer their phones to be stolen now due to the relentless and needless interruption of their daily lives.

3.

Join me in hating Google.

2.

A crazy crackhead broad is trying to sell her baby for $5,000.00 on the television show “In the Heat of the Night”. The broad’s boyfriend wants $500.00. The baby just wants clean diapers.

They probably should check the market to see what price they should be charging.

I saw a sign about human trafficking in the emergency room at the hospital but it didn’t say where to find a dealer.

1.

Why make eggs the old fashioned way relying on a stupid chicken when you can lay your eggs yourself?

What is wrong with people

** WARNING **

The following is neither entertaining nor amusing! Just a bad string.

What is wrong with people

What is wrong with people

who vote against their future

they vote for fast talking clowns

who turn out to be slimy losers

conservative hacks that send

their children to wars in sandy hells

all for the greedy corporations

that pay our representatives well

what is wrong with news media

that reports lies as if they're facts

and that refuses to do the research

because it's easier to work as hacks

they report to confuse us

and they report just to sell

all for greedy corporations

that pay the reporters very well

They work for world corporations

who don’t want us to know

our water is filled with mercury

and the north pole has no snow

what is wrong with politicians

they are working for themselves

taking kickbacks from contractors

who can't build a level shelf

big business pays the prostitutes

who put their votes up for sale

to make it easy for them to flourish

while the mom and pops all fail

What is wrong with you people

who say you hate the government

you march in anger in the streets

protesting my small unemployment

which I feel fortunate to receive

because the stooges you voted for

did nothing to keep my job here

so I’m stuck in a Wal-Mart store

what is wrong with the politician

who answers to the lobbyists?

What is wrong with the voter

who votes in blissful ignorance?

what is wrong with the corporations

who merely want to own my ass?

What is wrong with the rest of us

for not raising hell and fighting back?

If I were rewriting this, I'd choose the better points and focus the writing. And maybe find a way to make some kind of refrain turning it into lyrics. But I'm a lazy bastard. Some might say I'm a filthy son of a ditch digger.

Broken Rails

 Our intrepid crew

Jack, in his box

Jack Human was born only once. He is 8 inches, 5 feet tall. I once asked him why he wore a coat and he responded, "Because I'm human, Robot... because I'm human... and it's winter... and, it's none of your business... and, please get off of my lap." Had I emotions, I would have wept at the sincerity with which he delivered this apt response.

Jack has traveled the world and has seen many things of which he will not speak. Despite coming across as a worldly and cultured man, Jack has his wild side and has even spent time in jail for attempting to fit inside a kangaroo's pouch at a famous California zoo. He was later pardoned when it was argued by his attorney that attempting to fit inside a pouch was not the same as actually being inside the pouch and, as such, was not a punishable offense. At least, not in Cambodia. Ten days later, the kangaroo and Jack were formally wed in a ceremony that involved biscuits and a cape.

It has been said of Jack that he also once took a shower. This has yet to be verified.

Robot's Rampage

Robot Fog was created by a rogue international agency. His original purpose was to blend into human society and report back to his creators who just happened to be jerks. Robot, however, was unimpressed with the agency's overall tyrannical goals and never bothered to report back to his degenerate creators who he believes are working on methods of spying on each and every individual on the planet Earth, for no other reason that they are paranoid, hypocritical, insensitive, often balding, control freaks, and they wear really bad suits.

He writes for this site because he fears no one, which isn't saying much, and because he lacks human emotion. Robot does, in fact, favor freedom over tyranny for the puny humans he chooses to live amongst (except, perhaps, for that man crouching by your car licking a headlight).

************ Warning!!! Advertisement ************

Must be 18 years of age or older to continue

Hi,

I’m Chester S. Limp, CEO of Smelly Nonsense.

We here at Smelly Nonsense want you to know that if our product worked, we wouldn’t be selling it.

************ End of Advertisement ************

Dick and his Dribble

Richard Dribble, also known as Dick because he's a right brutal bastard. And a dick.

Dick joined us when he entered our office without invitation and threatened to smear us with a gross slice of pizza. None of us could stand the thought of being smeared and had forgotten the number to call 911, so we played along hoping the dick would get bored and leave the state. He didn't.

Dick is utterly evil and is the psycho who places the ads on this site despite our policy to not have advertisements and not one ad ever bringing in a penny of revenue. He fancies himself a corporate star climbing the ladder to success and also cannot convince one single person to touch him when he is unclothed.