Jack Human’s 5th Shorts

Jack Human’s 5th Shorts

Short enough to reach your ankles

30.

If I were Kyle Reese, the jerk sent back to 1984 to save Sarah Connor, the moment I heard the crappy 80’s music, I would have quit.

No wonder the machines hate humans.

29.

Everyone who is lying -- your pants are on fire!

28.

I firmly believe that, if I'm good enough, a demon will occasionally toss water on me as I burn in hell.

27.

Thrill as Jump Cuts releases our latest production:

“Banana-Man: Man of Peel”

26.

There are advertisements for Lume Body Deodorant by the woman who created it.

In one of the ads, did Lume lady refer to the vag as a thigh-fold, or a thigh-hole?

I’m becoming confused.

I can’t remember what she referred to the dink area as in the Mando commercial. I think she also referred to male butt cracks too, but if she’s an ogbyn, how does she know men have butt cracks? Wouldn’t all her patients be women?

Maybe I should have done something other than jerk it during sex education class.

25.

"Courage! You know nothing about courage! Have you ever been asked to take a sip from someone's drink at a picnic?"

24.

If you want children to be quiet, stop teaching them to speak.

23.

I heard if you eat the living heart taken from any creature, you take the creature's power, so I ate the heart of a bird expecting to fly but all I did was crap myself and fall down. Next time I'm going to try turkey heart instead of chicken.

22.

I hate being in a rut, so sometimes I get dressed before I take a shower.

21.

That sandwich I just ate.

I'm looking at it like, "This tuna looks like shit. Why's it THAT brown?"

Then I realized we don't have tuna so I was thinking, "Well chicken salad shouldn't look like this either. And why is the mayonnaise so thick? This is messed up. I'm not eating this."

Then as I was preparing to complain, it occurred to me that it was fluffernutter and not mayonnaise. And I'm like, "Well, what's this other stuff?"

And it hit me it is peanut-butter. 

Or was peanut-butter because I ate the sandwich and, like my soul, it no longer exists.

20.

The year flies by

The day drags

19.

A documentary titled The Grey is on. It’s the true story of a jerk who prevents wolves from eating a number of savage humans because the jerk wants to eat the other humans himself in case they don’t make it to a convenience store where he can buy some M&Ms.

A decent human would just share the other humans with the goddamned wolves.

Eventually, the surviving wolves are informed that human bodies are polluted with dangerous medications, artificial chemical additives in their garbage meals, unhealthy skin lotions, and inhaled heavy carbon emissions along with tobacco and cheap methamphetamines. The surviving wolves say, “fuck this”, and signal a decent species in another solar system to come take them the hell off of earth which they determine is a planet that doesn’t deserve a capitalized name.

18.

One time when I was a cop we needed to open the door of a house quickly so I kicked it really hard. The door didn’t break open but my leg broke completely off. I picked up the leg and leaned on it like a cane and kind of hobbled back to the sidewalk where I waited for an ambulance. The other cops killed everyone inside the house and went home. But, as usual, we were at the wrong address and the ambulance never arrived for me. Three days later I died on the sidewalk.

17.

It's a really great feeling being outside and I don't feel like killing myself. I'm making an appointment with my therapist to correct that.

16.

I found a hole in my head and then fell into it.

=============    WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     =============

Before you drink alcohol, tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver damage or if your brain is prone to shrinkage. Don't drink alcohol on an empty stomach or if you are pregnant.

Alcohol may cause blurred vision, slurred speech, and the inability to tell the difference between a cop and a friend.

=============     ADVERTISEMENT ENDS     =============

15.

Hi, I'm a Hollywood jerk and I'm looking for some white jerks to play the parts of an Asian, an African American, and a Native American.

I also need a white guy to play the female lead.

14.

How am I supposed to stop my corpse from biting people when I'm dead? 😰

13.

Nothing except everything compares to you.

12.

Today I ordered $700.00 of ghost porn over the internets. I love ghost porn, but I'm going to have to hire a ghost whisperer to tell me what they're doing. The company I purchased it from said it will just look like travelogues and real estate video's to someone who is not a spiritualist.

11.

Hi,

   I know you come here to read about the releases of my exciting jump cut movies but today I want to discuss a project in which I act rather than direct. 

   In this exciting film, I play the part of an 87 year old who has a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Sometimes it’s sunny outside when we stand next to our home and other times darkness leers upon the outside of the house while we sleep inside. Despite being 87 years old, I also have brown hair!

   The most exciting part of this project is that I refuse to act for any director other than myself and I wanted to concentrate on my acting so I didn’t bother with cameras or recording in any way.

   The project will be in theaters soon. So remember not to bring snacks because the team working the lobby need your support since my production company siphons every penny possible from the theater owners who pocket as much as possible before stiffing their own employees.

   Come to think of it, I get to keep all the money I would have given my lead actor in order to keep it out of the hands of theater employees.

   Due to our innovative use of no cameras, this is the greatest of all jump cut movies ever produced! Jump cuts too fast for the eye to grasp!

   Guaranteed not one scene you will regret viewing. The most comprehensively visually perfect movie you, or anyone who steals your wallet and comes to the show, will ever see!

10.

I was taking my pants off when I suddenly realized I wasn’t wearing pants. I totally needed to get sewn back up but I realized that doctors are expensive. I considered getting a seamstress to sew my skin back on but I don’t think seamstresses even exist anymore. So I found a hooker who did the job for $25.00. I considered it a gyp but figured there was no choice. On the positive side, the hooker said she also does tire rotations for $15.00. I’m going to ask what it would cost to maybe patch up my lower body where the skin didn’t quite line up. My stupid faucet is leaking too.

9.

I think it sucks that after you die, you can’t stay in your home.

8.

It’s not true romance if someone doesn’t get stuck with the bill.

7.

Time Crime:

Time heals all wounds

After having caused the wounds

Time is a jerk

Time wounds all heels

Time is a commotion
Which ends in a bore

Without the E

Time is Tim

Time is stalking you!

Time wears running shoes

Time will run out on you.

6.

BEWITCHED:

Samantha falls in love with New York ad exec Darren Stephens who promptly attempts to coerce Sam to deny her nature and conform to his vision of what a woman should be.

She guts him with a talking bed warmer

5.

Jump Cuts Productions is pleased to announce our first foray into a weekly tv show titled “Jerked by an Angel”.

It’s the weekly story of an angel assigned to jerk people’s strings and manipulate their emotional well-being through the use of heavenly powers in order to coerce characters to conform to God’s expectations rather than trusting individuals to find their own way in an often confusing and brutal world which God created to begin with.

The audience will thrill on a weekly basis as Jump Cut Productions applies our own unique jump cut take on stories guaranteed to excite and confuse the viewer.

Thrill as a teenager on drugs drives into a dumpster and bursts into flames while an angel laughs!

Tune in or we’ll telemarket and robocall you!

4.

I recall that when I was a child, people kept their telephones attached to a wall or floorboard in order to prevent the telephones from being stolen. It was common for people to take the telephones of others because, telephones were of great value, as opposed to now when telephones are worthless and no one even cares if they lose one. From what I hear, some people prefer their phones to be stolen now due to the relentless and needless interruption of their daily lives.

3.

Join me in hating Google.

2.

A crazy crackhead broad is trying to sell her baby for $5,000.00 on the television show “In the Heat of the Night”. The broad’s boyfriend wants $500.00. The baby just wants clean diapers.

They probably should check the market to see what price they should be charging.

I saw a sign about human trafficking in the emergency room at the hospital but it didn’t say where to find a dealer.

1.

Why make eggs the old fashioned way relying on a stupid chicken when you can lay your eggs yourself?

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

 

Brief Unintelligible Recaps

Star Trek

 S1.E18 Arena

I was in my living room cursing it for making me live when, without warning, I found myself on a space ship.

Crap! A guy named Kirk just said, “warp factor 8” and everyone on the bridge looks horrified.

Anyway, I was listening to Ravel’s Bolero and I believe I have a lawsuit against whoever created Kirk’s drop kick theme. Soon I’ll be rich. Then I can break any law I want to without being punished.

Holy moly! Kirk’s fighting a reptile! He just boxed the reptile’s ears and the reptile suffered pain despite not having ears!

Is there anything Kirk can’t do?

Spock just used a word that has more syllables than my name has letters.

Kirk is trying to figure out a way to knock off the Gorn. Kirk refuses to address the Gorn by his name, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy, in order to belittle Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy.

Jesus Christ! Kirk tried to murder Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy by pushing a huge rock onto him. That was not Christ-like in any way.

Thank Bog, Bert Krisbie Tinkerton Alloy survived so he could wield a stone blade against the filthy human.

Crap! I’m a journalist and am supposed to be impartial!

Okay. Kirk stopped beating upon the Gorn because he is too lazy to murder superior life forms. A member of a species which was derived from the metric system, the Metrons, appeared wearing a robe because he had just taken a bath. Kirk told Robey he still smells and should continue bathing. Robey returned Kirk to the Enterprise because Kirk was leaving boot prints all over the face of the planet.

You can tell that the TV show, Star Trek is fictitious because the humans tend to be polite and sometimes show decency.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

But not still enough.

Movie (film) 1951

Oh no! Some assface shot Klaatu when he stopped by to say hello and ask for directions away from earth, the crappiest planet in the universe 

They broke the gift Klaatu brought!

It was for the crappy president, so the president apologized.

I hope Klaatu has Gort kick every human in the face.

The filthy U.S. government is trying to pin all the world’s evil on nefarious nations. Apparently, nefarious doesn’t cover assassinating the Iranian President in the 50’s, giving irradiated food to children, infecting innocent people with syphilis, faking an attack on a military vessel in the gulf of Tonkin, recording the private conversations of people struggling to right the wrongs inherent within the justice system, and landing humans on the moon without a permit.

Klaatu is threatening to level New York City. He doesn’t understand that would be an improvement. He’s considering blowing up the earth but professor halfro insists that’s something martians would do.

Klaatu was looking through a door at halfro’s blackboard that has math on it. It’s okay because halfro wouldn’t leave any important government secrets available for just anybody standing outside his door to see.

It hurts typing this gibberish because I’m old. Klaatu has medicine that keeps him healthy despite being old. I’m going to ask for some.

Klaatu decided not to destroy earth. What a jerk!

Starsky and Hutch

Random Episode, Unknown.

I was forced to watch an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Starsky killed a kid who had a gun and, of course the kid's mother forgave him, but the story was about a wacko who became unhinged and started shooting cops. He said he'd kill a cop a day until Starsky resigned.

Starsky told the captain that he’d better resign and the captain yelled at him, "We don't give in to terrorists! Every man on the force knows what he signed up for!" He really said that shitty "we don't give in to terrorists" line.

So the whacko shot a cop.

Starsky met with the captain again to tell him, "Hey, man, I gotta resign before more cops get knocked off.” The captain replied, "Shut the fuck up and get back to work. YOU ARE NOT RESIGNING!”

Then the wacko blew up a cop and Starsky said. "It's taking too long to find this suckah! I gotta quit, Captain. I have no choice." To which the captain responded, “Don't call me Captain, I'm on an ice-cream break. AND, you are NOT quitting!”

Eventually the whacko got nabbed and the city could sleep in peace once again.

Suckahs!

Disgustions from Jack Human 3

 Disgustions from Jack Human the Third

25.

Mr. Data (to Captain Picard): “You are right, Sir. I do tend to babble.”

Captain Picard: “Welcome to the lousy stinking human race, you shitty machine. Now finish perking my coffee.”

24.

"My wife can't stand seeing anyone who's not married"

”Well, if she's your wife, why is she seeing anyone at all, loser?”

23.

Inspector Henderson: "Things got pretty bad for you back in 1984. You lost your job, and your wife."

Suspect: "First, what the hell do you mean by “things”? Second, I lost my wife at my job. Along with a tuna salad I had been looking forward to eating. Can't you cops get anything straight?"

22.

"Frustrated women (I mean they're frustrated)

Have to be in by twelve o'clock (oh, that's a shame)

But I'm wishin' and a hopin', oh

That just once those doors weren't locked"

- The Standells

"Me too"

- The Boston Strangler.

21.

A jerk gives his child a gift. A stuffed animal. Not a real animal. Just a make believe one.

Daughter: "Thank you Daddy! Can I call him Wilbur?"

Daddy: "Sure, Honey! As long as you don't call him Wilbur."

20.

Doctor: “He’s your father.”

Patient: “But we have nothing in common!”

Doctor: “Yes, you do. Your mother. You and your father both loved her.”

Patient: “But he never had sex with her.”

19.

"I'm going to run the DNA through CODIS."

"Why don't you run the DNA through your face!"

"I don't like you. In fact, everyone in the crime lab hates you."

18.

Parent:  “If you have to have sex, have sex with a condom.”

Teenager:  “What if I’m not attracted to condoms, you sick disgusting pig?”

19.

Surgeon to patient: "It's okay. Things were hairy for a while there but you're going to be okay."

Patient: "MY LEG!"

Surgeon: Yes. I'm afraid it was severed but we reattached it and it will heal just fine."

Patient: "You attached it to my shoulder, you moron!"

Surgeon: “There’s no need to be rude. I’m not going to accept your insurance.”

18.

Reporter jerk: "why do you keep ripping off so many people?"

Business jerk: "well, they're not going to rip themselves off, are they?"

(Laughs)

(Beat)

Business jerk: (getting serious) "seriously though, if these chumps had more money, I could cut back and maybe even take a vacation. The economy sucks"

19.

Police Inspector:  “Where were you when Mr. Hurd was being murdered?”

Suspect:  “I was standing in front of him cutting his throat with this knife. What does that prove?”

18.

God :  "who told thee thou is naked?"

Adam: "I can see it in this selfie I took, you dick! If we're in your image, why don't we have robes? What are you, a perv?"

17.

Mother: “This whole love affair is in your mind.”

Dana: “You’re wrong. I don’t have a mind.”

Aunt: “Dana, you and Ryan can be together just the way you always wanted to be.”

Dana: “In a pickle jar?”

16.

911: “Please state the nature of the emergency.”

Man: “I found what looks like a human skull.”

911: “Where did you find this object?”

Man: “Inside of a human head.”

=============     WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     =============

 

ATTENTION PARENTS WHO HAVE CHILDREN!

If you have a child that looks like you despite you never having had sex with your spouse, call the law offices of Smittens & Groom now!

We won't know what to do but we want to leer about it!

=============     ADVERTISEMENT ENDS     =============

15.

Patient: "Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my side."

Doctor: "What does it feel like?"

The patient pulls a knife out of the side of his body and jams it into the doctor's left side, waits a beat then twists the knife once and lets go of it.

Doctor ( clutching his side and grimacing ): "You could have used words. I understand English, you dick!"

14.

A doctor and an intern are walking down a hallway in the surgical wing of a hospital. The intern is feeling deeply disturbed. It was the intern’s third surgical procedure and the young intern cut a patient open to look at his heart. It turned out the heart wasn’t why the patient needed surgery. The intern hadn’t thought he should cut the patient open but another seriously dickish intern goaded him into it.

Doctor: "It was a mistake. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, I once removed the wrong testicle."

Intern: "Was it your own?"

13.

Lieutenant Columbo is speaking with a suspect.

Kennicutt: “Listen lieutenant, my marriage to my wife might have seemed strange to an awful lot of people. My wife was young enough to be my daughter but we loved each other completely. We even considered having a child together. A child named Bix Billingsly.

Now, does that answer your question?”

Columbo: “Possibly. I’m not recalling asking that question, though.”

12.

"I’m afraid you have 10 years to live. You're going to have to quit your job"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. You are going to have to spend all your time whacking it to this one playboy magazine from 1974. I'm sorry. It's all we can do for you. Anything you'd like to say?"

"Yes. I need a new pornologist.”

11.

"Name a food that makes a lot of noise when eaten."

"Live children.”

10.

Judge: “due to the amount of evidence brought against you, this court finds you guilty of murder. In accordance to the laws of this state, if you can call Kansas a state, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Now, do you have anything to say?”

Old Man: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “what is it?”

Old Man: “Do I have to hang until I’m dead?”

Judge: “of course you do. This is a death sentence!”

Old Man: “But, do I have to hang by the neck? I have an awful lot of neck pain as it is”

9.

"Pooh?", said Piglet.

"Yes, Piglet?", Said Pooh.

"I want to kill you."

8.

Crooks: "We didn't mean anything. Please don't hurt us, Superman!"

Superman: "Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you."

Crooks: "Wheww. Thank God"

Superman. (yells over his shoulder): "Hey, Batman, get in here, will you?"

7.

Horatio Caine to suspect: “We need to know where you were the last 24hours."

Suspect: "I was taking off my pants.”

6.

A defendant is on the stand while on trial for committing murder.

Defense attorney: “Have you ever murdered anyone.”

Defendant: “Do you mean other than myself?”

5.

30 year old male: “I’m not ready to lose my hair. I mean, really.”

God: “Then fucking strap it on, you dickwad.”

4.

Jay Bourne: "I volunteered because I thought our enemies killed my father"

Some random guy who doesn't give a damn: "So, you're saying it's all groovy if it turns out friends killed him?"

3.

Richard: "I was in my kitchen doing my dishes. I heard the doorbell. I thought it was the doorbell but I was uncertain. I mean, it SOUNDED like the doorbell but how could I be sure, after all, I thought I heard it but I didn't SEE it being rung. I pulled on my sleeves and straightened the sides of my tweed suit jacket so I would look presentable and off I went to see if there was someone at the door."

Barbara: "Do you always wear a suit when you wash the dishes?"

Richard: "I said I was doing the dishes. Who said anything about washing them?"

2.

In the apocalypse...

Man: “I’m trying to do everything I can to make sure things get better out here”

Chance encounter: “Oh? What are you doing?”

Man: “I’m killing every person I see so that there will be more zombies. Hang on a moment while I get my knife out.”

1.

Santa: "So, Joey, what do you want for Christmas?"

Joey: "I want you dead!"

Joey pulls a rod but it's a curtain rod. Santa overpowers him and slams the rod into Joey's eye far enough to kill his brain.

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 1st chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

---------------------------------

Santa: "So, Cindy, what do you want for Christmas?"

Cindy: "Your corpse!"

Cindy pulls out a ray-gun and attempts to blast Santa's face off but the ray-gun fails and Santa strangles her with his reindeer beating whip.

Santa: "They never learn. I gave her that toy last year and batteries were not included. Stupid children."

---------------------------------

Thus ends the 2nd chapter of "The Christmas Dead"

What is wrong with people

** WARNING **

The following is neither entertaining nor amusing! Just a bad string.

What is wrong with people

What is wrong with people

who vote against their future

they vote for fast talking clowns

who turn out to be slimy losers

conservative hacks that send

their children to wars in sandy hells

all for the greedy corporations

that pay our representatives well

what is wrong with news media

that reports lies as if they're facts

and that refuses to do the research

because it's easier to work as hacks

they report to confuse us

and they report just to sell

all for greedy corporations

that pay the reporters very well

They work for world corporations

who don’t want us to know

our water is filled with mercury

and the north pole has no snow

what is wrong with politicians

they are working for themselves

taking kickbacks from contractors

who can't build a level shelf

big business pays the prostitutes

who put their votes up for sale

to make it easy for them to flourish

while the mom and pops all fail

What is wrong with you people

who say you hate the government

you march in anger in the streets

protesting my small unemployment

which I feel fortunate to receive

because the stooges you voted for

did nothing to keep my job here

so I’m stuck in a Wal-Mart store

what is wrong with the politician

who answers to the lobbyists?

What is wrong with the voter

who votes in blissful ignorance?

what is wrong with the corporations

who merely want to own my ass?

What is wrong with the rest of us

for not raising hell and fighting back?

If I were rewriting this, I'd choose the better points and focus the writing. And maybe find a way to make some kind of refrain turning it into lyrics. But I'm a lazy bastard. Some might say I'm a filthy son of a ditch digger.

Broken Rails

 Our intrepid crew

Jack, in his box

Jack Human was born only once. He is 8 inches, 5 feet tall. I once asked him why he wore a coat and he responded, "Because I'm human, Robot... because I'm human... and it's winter... and, it's none of your business... and, please get off of my lap." Had I emotions, I would have wept at the sincerity with which he delivered this apt response.

Jack has traveled the world and has seen many things of which he will not speak. Despite coming across as a worldly and cultured man, Jack has his wild side and has even spent time in jail for attempting to fit inside a kangaroo's pouch at a famous California zoo. He was later pardoned when it was argued by his attorney that attempting to fit inside a pouch was not the same as actually being inside the pouch and, as such, was not a punishable offense. At least, not in Cambodia. Ten days later, the kangaroo and Jack were formally wed in a ceremony that involved biscuits and a cape.

It has been said of Jack that he also once took a shower. This has yet to be verified.

Robot's Rampage

Robot Fog was created by a rogue international agency. His original purpose was to blend into human society and report back to his creators who just happened to be jerks. Robot, however, was unimpressed with the agency's overall tyrannical goals and never bothered to report back to his degenerate creators who he believes are working on methods of spying on each and every individual on the planet Earth, for no other reason that they are paranoid, hypocritical, insensitive, often balding, control freaks, and they wear really bad suits.

He writes for this site because he fears no one, which isn't saying much, and because he lacks human emotion. Robot does, in fact, favor freedom over tyranny for the puny humans he chooses to live amongst (except, perhaps, for that man crouching by your car licking a headlight).

************ Warning!!! Advertisement ************

Must be 18 years of age or older to continue

Hi,

I’m Chester S. Limp, CEO of Smelly Nonsense.

We here at Smelly Nonsense want you to know that if our product worked, we wouldn’t be selling it.

************ End of Advertisement ************

Dick and his Dribble

Richard Dribble, also known as Dick because he's a right brutal bastard. And a dick.

Dick joined us when he entered our office without invitation and threatened to smear us with a gross slice of pizza. None of us could stand the thought of being smeared and had forgotten the number to call 911, so we played along hoping the dick would get bored and leave the state. He didn't.

Dick is utterly evil and is the psycho who places the ads on this site despite our policy to not have advertisements and not one ad ever bringing in a penny of revenue. He fancies himself a corporate star climbing the ladder to success and also cannot convince one single person to touch him when he is unclothed. 

Dead Man’s Debt

Dead Man’s Debt

Random person 1: "Jesus, help us!"

Jesus: "Okay. What's the problem?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus just died!"

Jesus: "Well, all things must pass. This is the way it is."

Random person 1: "But Lazarus owed me some money!"

Jesus: "Jesus Christ! That is a problem! Here, I'll bring him back."

Random person 1: "Thank you so much!”

Jesus brings Lazarus back. Lazarus looks like he just spent time in the ring with both George Foreman and Mike Tyson.

Someone steps out of the small crowd after shoving several bystanders out of his way.

Crowd shover: "Say, what the fuck's going on here?"

Random person 1: "Lazarus was dead, Man. But now, thanks to Jesus. Lazarus is alive again!."

Crowd shover: “Then what the fuck did I bother killing him for?"

Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

 Microscopic Worm Attacks City of Lisbon!

by Jack Human on Friday, May 4, 2012 at 12:16pm

A most unusual occurrence has taken place in the city of Lisbon. A microscopic worm attacked the city showing no signs of mercy.

The worm is an unknown species which, up until the attack, has been overlooked by incompetent scientists worldwide. Even at this time, there is some disagreement among members of the scientific community as to what exact species the worm is. Also unknown is the worm’s origin, its’ appearance, and whether or not it prefers Rodney Dangerfield over Richard Pryor.

The city of Lisbon itself seems somewhat complacent about the dreadful attack. Some of the city’s inhabitants attribute the source of complacency to the fact that the worm was microscopic and that not only was it invisible to the general population, but it caused no damage to anything other than itself.

It seems that the worm squirmed out from an alleyway at what scientists predict was a speed of three weeks per inch and headed directly for a group of tourists. As the worm worked its’ way into the second inch of its gruesome attack, the tourists all got on a jet plane and headed home due to the impending end of their vacations.

Before anybody knew it, the worm turned its’ attention upon a small dog. This, apparently, was a mistake which turned out to be deadly for the worm because, as it veered toward the dog, a lumbering drug addict passed by and stepped upon the worm. The worm was not killed immediately, however. It seems to have survived on the bottom of the drug addict’s shoe until the drug addict entered a filthy alley where he meant to make a drug purchase. As the addict approached the drug dealer, he stepped in a puddle of human urine, thus ending the vicious attack of the worm upon an innocent European city (that is, if Lisbon is even in Europe. I fear my editor is too cheap to buy a globe for the office).

Many people are left wondering, where did this microscopic worm come from? Are there more worms such as this one? Is this story even true? Well, I can’t answer any of these questions myself. If possible, we at this publication will locate an expert who can answer these questions and other questions like them.

For those who may be interested, the drug addict is doing fine and has returned to his job as an engineer on a train. The addict wishes everyone well who has shown concern for him and asks that his name not be made known to the authorities.

Byline by Jack Human

Robot Fog’s Third Shorts

Robot Fog’s 3rd Shorts

Rip included.

30.

Some people care if they die but I don’t care if they die and that makes me better than them. Or they.

29.

I smell humans

And it’s not good

28.

There were knocks upon my door. After 45 minutes, I became fed up with listening to the sound and loudly asked, “Who’s there?”

A voice responded, “It’s me!”

I shouted back, “I don’t even know anybody named Me. Get lost!”

27.

Okay, filthy humans, listen up and listen up good. Do not accept game and app requests. You have no idea what the apps are doing with your info, or whether they are planting malware on your system.

Malware. Malware can run on your system through the everyday use of your web browser. It doesn't ask permission or even need to be initiated. Even new browsers like google's chrome allows some malware to come through and wreak havoc upon your computer or device.

By using all these 'apps', you are opening yourself to misery, and, when you open yourself to misery, you don't feel good, and when you don't feel good, you tend to drink too much alcohol, and when you drink too much alcohol, you wake up in pain so bad that sawing a hole in your skull would seem to be a relief, and when you wake up in pain so bad that sawing a hole in your skull would seem to be a relief, you remember how miserable you are and you start to drink alcohol. At this point, you will find yourself in a loop of drunken, painful, misery. Don't find yourself in a loop of painful drunken misery. Don't use apps unless you investigate the quality of them and the security of the code or you prefer being painfully drunk over using LSD.

26.

Rise of the Planet of the James Francos - 

A virus exterminates the human race except for people named James Franco. The remaining 16 James Francos struggle to repopulate the planet despite none of them being female. Realizing time is running out, they valiantly step up their efforts but can they succeed in rebuilding earth's human population before it is too late?

25.

Chick Chickengrubber declared, "One day I'll sell disgusting chicken that has been badly fed so it tastes shitty and inject it with crap so it looks bigger and is hard to chew."

And he did just that.

24.

Brent Castlewood discovered if he put a lot of shellack on a model's face and cranked up the lighting, he could sell phony skin products to fools incapable of grasping the difference between looking human and looking like they shouldn't exist.

23.

When you have a child, you should wait ten years before having another one. Two years later, you can leave the newer child with the older one and move to another country.

22.

All mammalian species other than filthy humans have sued to have humans given a designation other than 'mammal'.

From now on classes of vertebrates will be grouped according to FISH, REPTILE, BIRD, AMPHIBIAN and MAMMAL with SHITHEAD being used as the official designation for the species homo sapiens

Enjoy the remainder of your day, shitheads.

21.

Marketing ploy - "Be where your customers are."

Serial killer - "My customers are dead. Buried or spread around where I can’t find them."

20.

Okay!

You want DNA? I’ll give you some goddamned DNA!

Hang on. Nothing’s happening here.

Hold on.

When this happens, I’m throwing it in your eye!

Just wait…

… forget it. I just remembered that I am a robot.

19.

I’m sure that most of you are unaware that the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey was filmed in real time in the year 2001. It’s a documentary concerning the incompetence of humans.

We’re talking about a species which felt the need to create firearms, nuclear weapons, and a movie named 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The original title was supposed to be 8086: A Spacey Odysseus. It was about a guy yet to be born who rode a wooden ship to Jupiter only to be asked to leave.

18.

Exploitative multinational corporations can burn, baby, burn!

Someday, when I run this planet, there will be a limit of 14 people allowed in the world and only true necessities will be manufactured. No more automobiles, potato chips, or waffle irons, chumps.

No television. No weird socks. 

Just safe living spaces. Utopia. The entire planet will be renamed Utopia Grande.

16.

I have made it my mission to create a strain of rabies that is passed through sexual activity thus ensuring I never contract the disease myself.

=============    WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     =============

Tell your doctor if your underwear suffers sudden or unexplainable stains.

ESPECIALLY if it begins speaking to you!

=============     ADVERTISEMENT ENDS     =============

15.

Dear victims of Facebook,

Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more content to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate veterans, your children, kittens, puppies, God, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win...

14.

Nick was impressively smart and had a great head on his shoulders... so I cut it off and placed it in my collection.

13.

I was examining my prostate when I dropped it.

12.

The 20th century was tough so on the evening of December 31, 1999 at 11:59:59, I traveled forward in time to the 21st century. I had forgotten my pants, however, and had to go back for them because I didn't know if there would be pants in the 21st century

11.

Captain Jean Luc Picard walked up to the front of the Enterprise bridge.

"I have an announcement I'd like to make to the bridge." he spoke in his usual clear authoritative tone.

Commander Riker, filled with concern and apprehension, responded, "What is it Captain?"

"I'm not who you think I am.", replied Picard.

Picard reached up to his face and began peeling it off. The crew was shocked. Picard continued pulling at his mask. When finished, Picard stood before the entire crew on the bridge of the Enterprise watching their faces.

They looked back and where what seemed to be their beloved captain once stood, there was now a 3 foot Pokemon with a mustache on his forehead.

10.

Men are the unwanted children of God.

9.

he said, he said, I want to take all the bread from the mouths of the fed, attach it to the mouths of the sad, is that so bad? 

Is it really bad, he said, that you have to be dead to prevent pain from spilling from your head?

8.

Somebody is typing your name, No WAIT!, they have changed their mind and have backspaced. They are continuing their typing despite the dog slobbering on their leg but eventually you will see the message, No WAIT! They have changed their mind and have selected most of the text and removed it. Now they are considering writing more than the response "tell me baout it" but they realized they misspelled the word "about" and are canceling the entire comment.

If you are waiting, it's for nothing.

7.

After watching 5 billion tv crime shows explain how police can tell if a potential murder victim was drowned according to whether or not there is water present in the lungs, I started using an ice pick to jab holes in the lungs of my victims before I strangle them. This way, water will get in their lungs after I toss them in the river.

If you learned anything from this, please donate. I depend upon your donations to avoid working so I can impart great knowledge and wisdom unto you, the unknowledgeable and unwise.

6.

One time I went to the Marshal’s office and told him my name. He asked me what I wanted and I asked him if he knew Jeb Williams. The Marshal said he knew Jeb Williams. Jeb Williams had a small piece of land and grew some crops and hogs. Then he asked me if Jeb Williams had done something that he should know about. I told the Marshal no. I said I intended to kill Jeb Williams and the Marshal better stay out of my way.

Then the Marshal said, “Now look here. Let me tell you something. Jeb Williams is a hard worker. He helps people when he can and is liked around here by everybody. He’s got a wife and 5 children. It’d be 7 children but he mistook 2 of them for hogs and butchered them. You stay away from Jeb Williams or you will answer to me.”

Then I left the Marshal’s office to go kill Jeb Williams.

5.

I've finally started writing my suicide letter. My list of grievances is so long that it's going to take 40 years to finish it. That will be the happiest day of my life. Maybe I'll throw a party, but beware, if I leave the room, you may not want to wait around for me to come back.

4.

Do.
Don't do.
Do do.

Make up your fucking mind!

3.

If I had a brain, I’d beat you all with it.

2.

Picture, if you will, that you are looking upon an article headline which concerns a modern pop artist, the royal family, or any film or television entertainer...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1.

One time I got these 5 guys to break into a bank vault at night after disabling security. Before they started the job, I convinced 3 guys to kill the other 2 after the job was finished because we wouldn’t need those 2 anymore and we’d each have a bigger split of the loot.

After the job, all 5 guys showed up at the meeting place. When I had the 3 guys who were supposed to knock off the other 2 alone and asked why they didn’t kill the 2 guys. Their response was I didn’t tell them which 2 to kill.