Monday, December 4, 2023

Robot’s Rants

 Robot’s Rants

Again, listed in reverse order


People keep saying “have a happy new year” and I respond, “don’t tell me what to do, you son of a potato peeling bastard!”


Since I didn't bother to breed, I'm going to be cared for by your dumb kids, so raise them right, dirtbags.


People say Danny Trejo is evil. So he kills them.

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Safely remove your debilitating and disfiguring double chin with a potato peeler. Be certain to only use a potato peeler purchased from me, Doctor Dick Dribble, otherwise I won't make money.

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"I’m starting a new line of pants that auto castrates the wearer.
I expect my customer base will diminish over time but I’m okay with that."


Someone told me wearing a medical face mask cuts down on your oxygen. I responded, “Let us see if that’s true.”

I put a pulsometer on their finger for 5 minutes while they wore their face mask. Then I had them remove the mask. I made sure the pulsometer was still on and then put a thick plastic bag over their head.

When I removed the bag after 5 minutes, I did not hear them complain.


I heard some Christmas music that lifted my spirits rather than goad me into wanting to kick over every shelf in the store. Have I aged? Maybe cynicism can wear you down until your soul screams for a mere crack through which to peer upon anything other than this 'real' world.


Life is a disease. My team of top scientists and I plan on stamping it out.


Get well soon, or die trying.


How about that commercial where the guy buries his choppers beneath 28,000 tons of cement and is too damn lazy to dig them out so he goes to a dentist and gets new choppers in just a few days in time to eat the most hot dogs in human history?

He specifically states “humans” but I'm betting there are aliens, reptiles or even a dog somewhere who beat the record. There are species other than humans that eat hot dogs, you know.

Anyway, as your stupid narrator, I have to get to the point which is that I wonder if the commercial guy's dentist saw the ad and wondered, "I killed a hitchhiker and stole his identity just so I wouldn't have to go to medical school for this?"


Dear Sir or Madam, 

The earth is not flat despite the earth having flat surfaces. The entire planet is shaped like a square. Much like your head, it’s a cube. That is how a human can walk from one pole to the other without falling off of the earth. Gravity serves a purpose. It is also why the north and the south pole do not occasionally slide across the continents and the oceans. They are confined to their resident square.

Yours truly,

A Grotesque & Incompetent Facebot

The sun is flat. Just look at it. Stare at it for several hours.


The internet as we know it now was discovered only a couple of hundred years ago by Mischievous Rollbumbus. Up until then, the primitive filthy human population across the planet had no access to information or knowledge.

Despite the discovery of the internet, many filthy humans, to this very day, lack the ability to write coherent sentences. Some simply cannot spell while others are reduced to using abbreviations such as “LOL” which means “low on love” or “BMF” which means “bowel movements forever”.

The goal of this course is to discern the best manner of withdrawing from this cultural and social horror and of becoming completely invisible to these miserable beasts.

Students are welcome to bring a friend but, more importantly, to bring cashmere.


your aura