Jack Humans 4th Shorts

 Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.   

19.

I bought a newspaper for the first time in about 37 years. It contained a story about a married couple selling babies. I didn’t understand why the hell anyone would even want a baby and figured the couple would be out of business soon. Then I realized my dogs were hungry so I put down the newspaper and went to the address where the couple was running their business. The place was totally shut down which pissed me off because I’d been hoping to get some cheap food for my dogs. I picked up the newspaper when I arrived back home and turned to the page where the story had been continued. It turns out the stupid town must have wanted the babies and had the cops take them all away from the couple selling them.

I also got screwed by an article about a couple selling fentanyl. When I arrived at the address, nobody was there.

Why advertise businesses that have been shut down?

I totally hate newspapers.

18.

I was driving and 10 minutes later I realized 10 minutes had passed.

7.

I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.

6.

As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.

This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.

This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”

Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential 

If not existential.

5.

If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.

4.

I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”

There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.

3.

Dan Diarrhea was running late...

2.

I was born.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...

I weep.

1.

Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.

Then I’ll punch them. And you.

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

: Possibly old. Possibly new(d).

20.

Police inspector: “It appears you made a big mistake when you stepped in the dead woman’s blood while fleeing the scene. So, what have you got to say to that?”

Suspect: “Well, to be honest, the woman wasn’t dead when I stepped in her blood.”

19.

"This ant! It's eating my groin!"

"It's an ant, you moron. Just pull it off. And this is a public park. Why aren't you wearing pants?"

18.

Attorney:”Operator, get me Bentoncourt 4535”

Operator: “Get it yourself. You obviously have a phone, you jerk.”

17.

Biff: “Thanks for the drink Buford! I'm really thirsty.”

Biff takes a sip from the cup Buford handed him. Biff spits out the drink and makes a gagging sound.

Biff: “THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!”

Buford takes the cup and sniffs it.

Buford: “That's odd. It shouldn't taste like that at all.”

Biff: “Well what the fuck is it?”

Buford: “Urine!”

16.

People’s names are being recorded for a gathering in an auditorium. A guy asks a jerk his name.

Guy: “Name, please.”

Jerk: “Why the hell should I give you my name?”

Guy: “Because if there’s no record of you being at the briefing, you will be required to attend a second time. Now, may I have your name, please?”

Jerk: “Newton . Dick Newton.”

Guy: “Newton ain’t signed in yet.”

Jerk: “He has now.”

Guy: “You Dick Newton?”

Jerk: “How many times I got to say it?”

Guy: “Is it okay if I call you Dicklips?”

Jerk: “My mother does.”

15.

Quincy: “Tell me. How did he die?”

Sam: “Well, Quincy.  Once the truck slammed him into the wall, it appears his lungs were crushed and his broken ribs sliced through his heart.”

Quincy: “So you’re saying it was a combination of a bullet wound and blood poisoning?”

Sam: “No. But talking to you is pointless anyway so let’s go with that.”

14.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk: "Ensign. Take Mr Drake to the transporter room. Quickly!"

Ensign: “Can't we just transport him there?"

13.

"Does my cigar bother you"?

"No. But the fact you have it in your ass is seriously disturbing."

12.

Boyfriend to girlfriend: “My darling. My love. Will you marry me?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, my dear, but only if you don’t attend the ceremony.”

11.

I've written a screenplay I intend to produce. It will star Sam Worthington and Sam Huntington. In order to cut costs, they will be billed as "Samington". This how a producer works on a shoestring.

10.

Scene: A space ship on a never ending mission to seek out nude life and nude civilians. To explore peculiar new worlds and to unwelcomely go where no filthy human has gone before.

Ship’s chief engineer: “Craptain! My underwears cannot stand the strain much longer!”

Craptain: “Get off the damn ship, Pottie!”

9.

A passenger is being screened before boarding the plane:

Airport authority: “Do your nipples have covid-19?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you lick them and find out for yourself?”

Airport authority: “Do you always answer a question with a question?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you ask me a question and find out?”

8.

A young man approaches a cashier and places cash and a few coins on the counter and says:

"A pack of menthol cigarettes."

Cashier: "I'm sorry but that's not enough"

The young man reaches into his pants pocket and slowly withdraws a pair of pliers. He inserts the pliers into his mouth and struggles to pull out a tooth. He succeeds in pulling the tooth from his mouth and slams the bloody tooth down on the counter alongside the cash and change he put down a minute ago. 

Cashier: "That's interesting but I still need that nickel you were short on"

7.

Spouse I: “You have to pay the bill!”

Spouse II: “Can’t the bill pay itself? I have more important things to do. Plus, I don’t even exist, so good luck getting me to pay.”

6.

Day 1. No fun:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “I said I love you.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?”

Wicked old father: “Uh what?”

Next day. Worse than the first:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad”

Old man: “What?”

Adult son: “I said, I love you.”

Old man: “I heard you!” (Laughs) “I just wanted to humiliate you in front of the goat.”

Day 3. No reprieve:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?” 

Wicked old father: “I’m trying really hard to ignore you, you simpering, emotionally needy dick face.”

Day 4. Let’s just shut this down:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Why would you want to rub me, you sick disgusting freak?” 

5.

Jerk: "Come on out and show yourself, McGyver, or I'll shoot your friend here. And you know I'll do it!"

McGyver: "Go ahead! He's bald anyway.”

4.

911 operator: "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

Man: "I'm in a public restroom. You gotta get me the fuck out of here!”

3.

A Police detective is close to retirement and is having dinner with several coworkers.

Retiring Detective in a somber yet slightly wistful tone:

"Throughout my career I've been asked to investigate many strange and unusual people."

Sargent Bigsby from across the table while slicing the roast beef on his plate:

"Did you investigate yourself?"

2.

Cyrano de Bergerac was standing before a judge in a French courtroom in which there was no jury because it had been determined that nobody was his peer.

Judge: “These murders have been the worst and most grisly crimes that this court has ever presided over. I'm only happy to sentence you to 700 lifetimes to be served consecutively. What could possibly have compelled you to commit such atrocious and monstrous acts?”

Defendant de Bergerac: “They called me Cyrano de Booger-hack.”

1.

Doctor: “Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, I have good news and bad news about your daughter’s condition after the accident.”

Mrs. Sawyer (crying): “What is it?”

Doctor: “The good news is she’s dead.”

Mr. Sawyer: “What the fuck? How could that be the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “She’ll never be able to walk again.”

Robot Fog’s Second Shorts

 Robotic Shorts Inside Your Head

18.

This instruction for avoiding illness is still valid in the present year.

Many of the things you do to help prevent colds and the flu can help protect you against other respiratory viruses, including COVID-19:

Wash your hands often with soap and warm water for at least 20 weeks.

Avoid touching your eyes with your nose and mouth.

Sell things that are frequently touched (like doorknobs and countertops).

Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. Use a hatbox filled with condoms, not your hands.

Stay home if you are sick and avoid close contact with yourself.

17.

If I had a seance, I'd ask everyone to hold each others' asses because the paranormal is a pile of shit. If a ghost tries to pull anything on me, I'll shoot it in the eye with a musket.

16.

The issue I have with the television show “Serial Killer with Piers Morgan” is that the serial killer didn’t do his fucking job and ice the freak.

15.

I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride home making obscene gestures to other drivers. I was ahead of schedule so maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.

14.

List of dicks:

Dick Dryver (drives like a dick) ((also drives a dick switch))

Dick Byker (Rides a Motorcycle like a dick)

Dick Dawdler (waits 15 minutes to take a perfectly good right hand turn on a red light or stop sign despite there being no vehicle approaching from the left) ((also owes me $7,000 for making me use so many words with which to describe their sin))

Dick Jerker (jerks it for half an hour when a red light becomes green)

Dick Waddler (waddles in the middle of a parking lot blocking innocent people who are looking for a parking spot) ((also wanders in the middle of the shopping aisle preventing others from freely going about their business)) (((also owes me $7,000)))

Dick Blower (uses their horn inappropriately)

Welcome to dickworld, clodhoppers.

13.

Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have sex. If it is, make your heart get a goddamned job.

12.

If you don't want to be seen naked with a goat, pull the damn shades down.

11.

I'm too tired and lazy to write out every curse word when I post or comment so I am asking you each to imagine every single post or comment with such cursing that your ears tremble. Or eyes. Since you're reading and not hearing unless you have some insane neurological condition that causes you to actually hear what you are reading.

Please add 1000 curse words to this post for accuracy.

11.

Receive a text alert after every bowel movement so you'll know exactly how full of shit you are.

10.

The only solution to hair loss is removal of the head.

9.

“Live long then fuck off and die.” 

- Rude Spock

8.

To live outside the bra

You must be bra-less

7.

What’s up with these dunderheads what run the Federation of Planets and Starfleet? They’ve had phasers forever but haven’t created clothing or devices to absorb or deflect phasers fired at people who may expect to be fired upon.

The crew is also seriously inept at preventing espionage. When some whacko is running about the vessel damaging the controls and causing direct harm to people they never use a transporter to beam the loser into a holding cell. I’d beam the whacko into space. They also can’t grasp the concept of transporting crew members out of damaged areas of the ship.

Just what the hell is there to look forward to in the future?

Except possibly transporting food from your plate to your mouth so you can use both hands to read an iPad while eating.

6.

The safest room in the house is the one with the safe.

5.

If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species.

4.

This is a certifiable fact:

While alive Rush Limbaugh could truthfully say, "I didn't join the military because my ass had a hole in it."

3.

Frank Dicklehead, Nippleless Rage, Farton Stink, Big Frankelow, Guppy Shoestring, Nipplelips N. Rage, Goober Hamstring, Danny Blowhard, and Grick Sharpton each awoke that day in the form of scrambled eggs...

2.

The stupid Lone Ranger keeps yelling at his horse. This morning he was screaming, "Hi yo, Silver" and the horse finally got pissed and yelled back, "Stop calling me that, you freak! My name is Horace Aquinas, the third.”

1.

Humans are the skid marks of the universe.