Jack Human’s 6th Shorts

Jack Human’s 6th Shorts

Shorter than you can ever hope to be

17.

My bucket list just lists a bucket.

16.

Once, while I was eating dinner, my mustache fell off and landed in my bowl of beef stew. I thought, “What the hell? I’ve been in hairier situations than this” and finished the stew.

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15.

The town called my phone, but not me, to leave a message concerning how prevalent bird flu is right now and warned us to avoid dead birds and all dead, sick, or strange animals. Watch your pets to ensure they don’t do anything that might get them infected.

The recording said I don’t have to worry because I’m the one who gave the birds the flu.

I can’t figure out why everybody calls my phone and not me.

14.

I was scheduled to have minor surgery today but the truant officer caught up with the surgeon and brought him back to school.

13.

I have an idea to start a business. If anyone is interested, maybe I can hire you.

The idea: Condoms are big business now and are very important for sexually active people who wish to retain their health. Condoms are uncomfortable.

Our condoms will be made from cheesecloth. They will be washable and reusable. The condom will be so entirely comfortable that people who sport a penis, whether male or female, will be tempted to never take it off.

Our goal is to make the public wearing of condoms stylish so they will be worn to concerts and sport events.

Who wants in on this?

12.

Jesus Christ! You have to be 21 years old to buy pot now? It used to be 13 years old.

God, I hate modern times.

11.

The Lone Ranger is riding his horse, Silver, with a child while they are chased by goons.

The ranger rides up a hill a bit and jumps off his horse, gets behind a rock, and starts shooting at the goons but he tells the kid to stay on the horse. When the goons start shooting back the kid is entirely exposed.

Back behind the goons' rock, one of them is shot in the leg and starts whining. The other goons stopped shooting to listen to the whiner providing the Lone Ranger and Tonto an opportunity to bust them.

After the ranger and Tonto bring the goons in, they go riding off with the Lone Ranger screaming "Hi yo, Silver! Away!" As if the horse is too stupid to know what being kicked and having it's head jerked around means.

10.

This dope on an episode of Charlie's Angels just blew open a safe. I think he spent more on the C4 explosive than he found in the safe.

Not the best business planning. 

Who knew that the majority of criminals go bankrupt due to bad business decisions?

9.

Sometimes I think of myself as an idiot but then will talk to someone else and realize I’m not as bad as I thought I was.

8.

Idaho politicians voted to change the image of the state by renaming it to "Udaho".

7.

Pain is a universal human experience, so sit back and enjoy it.

6.

What Is the Outlook for Ankylosing Spondylitis?

"Ankylosing spondylitis is a chronic, progressive disease that often leads to disability. With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life."

"With aggressive treatment and daily exercise, you can slow the progression and lead a normal life"

well who the fuck wants that?

5.

I'm getting better at technology. Today I opened a door without help from anyone else.

4.

I arrived at work this morning and was feeling good until I found the door was unlocked.

3.

I've opened The Center for Biological Perversity.

The man with two penises counts as two members, or he would have if we hadn’t banned one of the penises for not wearing shoes.

2.

This is similar to that time I had Worf take the ship to the Veridian system at full warp, then when we were 20 miles from the Veridian System, I had the ship turned around so we could go back and get the Archie comics I had left on Mars station.

I also had to pee and had no intention of using a restroom in the filthy Veridian system.

1.

People say my underwear is crazy until my underwear kills them.

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie

Moins Misérable Poèmétrie     <---  mutilated French

'tis a sour ending indeed

=======================

a faceless enemy

drops his full weight upon

  the bayonet

  that pierces

  my lung

I kick once, and,

with an endless shudder

my entire life passes

through my bladder

gotta go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors other than red.

"i must have whiskey,

i'm so damned thirsty.", he bellowed,

though his throat wasn't at all dry.

what would he have said instead

if he could only have seen

his liver turning green

and the blood seeping

through his stomach lining.

he painted her a yellow rose

to hang upon her bedroom wall

she truly loved him heart & soul

and taught him how to crawl

they had no time to self-destruct

so instead they just imploded

afterwards, whenever he spoke

his words were always loaded

"buy our christmas trees"

mint sprints in boxes

cookies - "Chips Ahoy!" - chewy, striped,

sprinkled with sprinkles

& NEW!

Ritz - red boxes, golden brown crackers.

apple newtons (fruity and chewy),

fig newtons (yellow package, pale cookie)

cinnamon raisin nut, raspberry, strawberry

Oreos.

next aisle

cheese - pale yellow, golden, muenster, velveeta, american, weight watcher's

pickles sour & sweet

register

gray woman with blue basket

tabloids - Oprah! Cher!

“man born with no head!"

razor blades - steel, disposable

cigarettes - no minors!

christmas tree wreaths

thank you for shopping here.

once payment is rendered,

you may leave.

Elegy for Corn

Corn Pop was a friend of mine

We shared some fermented turpentine 

Before that, he was agonna kill me

My chain, it convinced him to befriend me

Oh Corn Pop

Oh Corn Pop

A thug who knifed many a lad

But he never knifed me

He was the best friend I ever had

The horse's shoes seek the shifting surface of the desert sands. In clouds of dry dust we ride.

Wingless Flicker

The albino snake fetus was shaking. His head, like his words, was jerking. A tenuous void sprouted from his mouth and ignited the fecal fumes discarded by his toilience. 

It could not rain. The sun began to flicker. Dolphins rotted.

Hope vomited but vowed to make a return.

Bedtime

Got to go to bed.

Maybe rest the head.

Try to sleep like the dead.

Dream in colors that aren’t red.

Stay There

everybody goes to hell

we're all going to hell

pack your bible and pack your beer

we're hightailin' it to hell 

and the devil will be there

Some people got no choice

others always have known

when we hit the flames, 

we’re all on our own

Say Goodbye

The year will never end.

Like every year previous,

it will linger upon our existence.

Following each of us.

Stalking us. Ensuring we break.

Harvesting our energies.

Harvesting what remains of our souls.

Eventually, each and every year

Will continue beyond us

Not recognizing we ever inhaled,

Exhaled, digested, or cried

Until we are no more

And the years still will never end

So, happy new year!

Moon Itch

I'm climbing upon the underside of the moon.

All spidery legs and itchy too.

I am a circus without a tent,

a gambler without a working pair of dice.

Whosoever itches themselves itches me too.

Phone Betrayal

I await a phone call.

The sky outside is gray.

I hear autos pass by on the street.

A set of brakes slightly squeals 

as though happy to slow down. 

I await the phone that never calls.

Tobacco Load

She’s got brown fingertips

And 3rd degree burns on her lips

She’s got ash tray breath

I’d kiss her more often but

I fear catching her death

She smokes like a chimney

putting the atom bomb to shame

But it’s not her fault

It’s nicotine to blame

sky purges itself

Grandma won’t open the door

Raindrops sting like darts

 

loud Seagulls cry out

Fish fry in oily sizzles

Coca-cola pops

Evening Blessed

It is dark outside

the sky has shut its eye

warming us gently

beneath its lid.

The Sound of Nature

This is the sound of nature

beating your soul to a pulp.

I apologize. I am mistaken.

This is the sound of humanity

beating your soul to a pulp.

Nature blithely lurks watching.

Whether in horror or agreement,

nature does nothing to indicate.

Nature makes no effort to prevent

your soul from becoming pulp.

Once done. When you are gone,

when you are just a stain of pulp,

Nature may have a taste, a gulp,

Or not

in a bar

in a bar,

just want to lift my glass, be left alone,

crawl inside the television set,

pull the screen up around my neck,

tuck myself in, and

be gone

[ Meanwhile, in another location entirely ]

I am your deity

said the pony to the snowman

it's time to get deliberate

and you are out of focus

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