Saturday, April 13, 2024

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

: Possibly old. Possibly new(d).


22.

Girl: “At least you have a dad.”

Boy: “I don’t”

Girl: “What do you mean?”

Boy: “He just walked out to work one day and never came back.”

Girl: “Where did he work?”

Boy: “At the end of a plank.”



21.

Employee barges into the Human Resources office, slams his hand down on the desk.

Employee: “I DEMAND to know why I’m not on the short list of candidates to be 3rd shift supervisor!”

HR: “You’re fucking 6 foot 5 inches! You’ll never be on the short list for ANYTHING! Now get the fuck out my office.”



20.

Police inspector: “It appears you made a big mistake when you stepped in the dead woman’s blood while fleeing the scene. So, what have you got to say to that?”

Suspect: “Well, to be honest, the woman wasn’t dead when I stepped in her blood.”



19.

"This ant! It's eating my groin!"

"It's an ant, you moron. Just pull it off. And this is a public park. Why aren't you wearing pants?"



18.

Attorney:”Operator, get me Bentoncourt 4535”

Operator: “Get it yourself. You obviously have a phone, you jerk.”



17.

Biff: “Thanks for the drink Buford! I'm really thirsty.”

Biff takes a sip from the cup Buford handed him. Biff spits out the drink and makes a gagging sound.

Biff: “THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!”

Buford takes the cup and sniffs it.

Buford: “That's odd. It shouldn't taste like that at all.”

Biff: “Well what the fuck is it?”

Buford: “Urine!”



16.

People’s names are being recorded for a gathering in an auditorium. A guy asks a jerk his name.

Guy: “Name, please.”

Jerk: “Why the hell should I give you my name?”

Guy: “Because if there’s no record of you being at the briefing, you will be required to attend a second time. Now, may I have your name, please?”

Jerk: “Newton . Dick Newton.”

Guy: “Newton ain’t signed in yet.”

Jerk: “He has now.”

Guy: “You Dick Newton?”

Jerk: “How many times I got to say it?”

Guy: “Is it okay if I call you Dicklips?”

Jerk: “My mother does.”



15.

Quincy: “Tell me. How did he die?”

Sam: “Well, Quincy.  Once the truck slammed him into the wall, it appears his lungs were crushed and his broken ribs sliced through his heart.”

Quincy: “So you’re saying it was a combination of a bullet wound and blood poisoning?”

Sam: “No. But talking to you is pointless anyway so let’s go with that.”



14.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk: "Ensign. Take Mr Drake to the transporter room. Quickly!"

Ensign: “Can't we just transport him there?"



13.

"Does my cigar bother you"?

"No. But the fact you have it in your ass is seriously disturbing."



12.

Boyfriend to girlfriend: “My darling. My love. Will you marry me?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, my dear, but only if you don’t attend the ceremony.”



11.

I've written a screenplay I intend to produce. It will star Sam Worthington and Sam Huntington. In order to cut costs, they will be billed as "Samington". This how a producer works on a shoestring.



=============    WARNING! ADVERTISEMENT     =============

We apologize for the inconvenience


A Jump Cut Production coming to a drive-in near you!

“Silence of the Clams”

Bring your own pot.


=============     ADVERTISEMENT ENDS     ========



10.

Scene: A space ship on a never ending mission to seek out nude life and nude civilians. To explore peculiar new worlds and to unwelcomely go where no filthy human has gone before.

Ship’s chief engineer: “Craptain! My underwears cannot stand the strain much longer!”

Craptain: “Get off the damn ship, Pottie!”



9.

A passenger is being screened before boarding the plane:

Airport authority: “Do your nipples have covid-19?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you lick them and find out for yourself?”

Airport authority: “Do you always answer a question with a question?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you ask me a question and find out?”



8.

A young man approaches a cashier and places cash and a few coins on the counter and says:

"A pack of menthol cigarettes."

Cashier: "I'm sorry but that's not enough"

The young man reaches into his pants pocket and slowly withdraws a pair of pliers. He inserts the pliers into his mouth and struggles to pull out a tooth. He succeeds in pulling the tooth from his mouth and slams the bloody tooth down on the counter alongside the cash and change he put down a minute ago. 

Cashier: "That's interesting but I still need that nickel you were short on"




7.

Spouse I: “You have to pay the bill!”

Spouse II: “Can’t the bill pay itself? I have more important things to do. Plus, I don’t even exist, so good luck getting me to pay.”




6.

Day 1. No fun:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “I said I love you.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?”

Wicked old father: “Uh what?”


Next day. Worse than the first:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad”

Old man: “What?”

Adult son: “I said, I love you.”

Old man: “I heard you!” (Laughs) “I just wanted to humiliate you in front of the goat.”


Day 3. No reprieve:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?” 

Wicked old father: “I’m trying really hard to ignore you, you simpering, emotionally needy dick face.”


Day 4. Let’s just shut this down:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Why would you want to rub me, you sick disgusting freak?” 



5.

Jerk: "Come on out and show yourself, McGyver, or I'll shoot your friend here. And you know I'll do it!"

McGyver: "Go ahead! He's bald anyway.”



4.

911 operator: "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

Man: "I'm in a public restroom. You gotta get me the fuck out of here!”



3.

A Police detective is close to retirement and is having dinner with several coworkers.

Retiring Detective in a somber yet slightly wistful tone:

"Throughout my career I've been asked to investigate many strange and unusual people."

Sargent Bigsby from across the table while slicing the roast beef on his plate:

"Did you investigate yourself?"



2.

Cyrano de Bergerac was standing before a judge in a French courtroom in which there was no jury because it had been determined that nobody was his peer.

Judge: “These murders have been the worst and most grisly crimes that this court has ever presided over. I'm only happy to sentence you to 700 lifetimes to be served consecutively. What could possibly have compelled you to commit such atrocious and monstrous acts?”

Defendant de Bergerac: “They called me Cyrano de Booger-hack.”



1.

Doctor: “Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, I have good news and bad news about your daughter’s condition after the accident.”

Mrs. Sawyer (crying): “What is it?”

Doctor: “The good news is she’s dead.”

Mr. Sawyer: “What the fuck? How could that be the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “She’ll never be able to walk again.”