Disgustions from Jack Human 2

Disgustions from Jack Human 2

: Possibly old. Possibly new(d).

19.

"This ant! It's eating my groin!"

"It's an ant, you moron. Just pull it off. And this is a public park. Why aren't you wearing pants?"

18.

Attorney:”Operator, get me Bentoncourt 4535”

Operator: “Get it yourself. You obviously have a phone, you jerk.”

17.

Biff: “Thanks for the drink Buford! I'm really thirsty.”

Biff takes a sip from the cup Buford handed him. Biff spits out the drink and makes a gagging sound.

Biff: “THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!”

Buford takes the cup and sniffs it.

Buford: “That's odd. It shouldn't taste like that at all.”

Biff: “Well what the fuck is it?”

Buford: “Urine!”

16.

People’s names are being recorded for a gathering in an auditorium. A guy asks a jerk his name.

Guy: “Name, please.”

Jerk: “Why the hell should I give you my name?”

Guy: “Because if there’s no record of you being at the briefing, you will be required to attend a second time. Now, may I have your name, please?”

Jerk: “Newton . Dick Newton.”

Guy: “Newton ain’t signed in yet.”

Jerk: “He has now.”

Guy: “You Dick Newton?”

Jerk: “How many times I got to say it?”

Guy: “Is it okay if I call you Dicklips?”

Jerk: “My mother does.”

15.

Quincy: “Tell me. How did he die?”

Sam: “Well, Quincy.  Once the truck slammed him into the wall, it appears his lungs were crushed and his broken ribs sliced through his heart.”

Quincy: “So you’re saying it was a combination of a bullet wound and blood poisoning?”

Sam: “No. But talking to you is pointless anyway so let’s go with that.”

14.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk: "Ensign. Take Mr Drake to the transporter room. Quickly!"

Ensign: “Can't we just transport him there?"

13.

"Does my cigar bother you"?

"No. But the fact you have it in your ass is seriously disturbing."

12.

Boyfriend to girlfriend: “My darling. My love. Will you marry me?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, my dear, but only if you don’t attend the ceremony.”

11.

I've written a screenplay I intend to produce. It will star Sam Worthington and Sam Huntington. In order to cut costs, they will be billed as "Samington". This how a producer works on a shoestring.

10.

Scene: A space ship on a never ending mission to seek out nude life and nude civilians. To explore peculiar new worlds and to unwelcomely go where no filthy human has gone before.

Ship’s chief engineer: “Craptain! My underwears cannot stand the strain much longer!”

Craptain: “Get off the damn ship, Pottie!”

9.

A passenger is being screened before boarding the plane:

Airport authority: “Do your nipples have covid-19?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you lick them and find out for yourself?”

Airport authority: “Do you always answer a question with a question?”

Passenger: “Why don’t you ask me a question and find out?”

8.

A young man approaches a cashier and places cash and a few coins on the counter and says:

"A pack of menthol cigarettes."

Cashier: "I'm sorry but that's not enough"

The young man reaches into his pants pocket and slowly withdraws a pair of pliers. He inserts the pliers into his mouth and struggles to pull out a tooth. He succeeds in pulling the tooth from his mouth and slams the bloody tooth down on the counter alongside the cash and change he put down a minute ago. 

Cashier: "That's interesting but I still need that nickel you were short on"

7.

Spouse I: “You have to pay the bill!”

Spouse II: “Can’t the bill pay itself? I have more important things to do. Plus, I don’t even exist, so good luck getting me to pay.”

6.

Day 1. No fun:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “I said I love you.”

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?”

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?”

Wicked old father: “Uh what?”

Next day. Worse than the first:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad”

Old man: “What?”

Adult son: “I said, I love you.”

Old man: “I heard you!” (Laughs) “I just wanted to humiliate you in front of the goat.”

Day 3. No reprieve:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “WHAT ARE YOU? FUCKING DEAF?” 

Wicked old father: “I’m trying really hard to ignore you, you simpering, emotionally needy dick face.”

Day 4. Let’s just shut this down:

A father and his adult son are working on a project in their barn.

Adult son: “I love you, Dad.” 

Wicked old father: “Uh, what?” 

Adult son: “I said I love you.” 

Wicked old father: “Why would you want to rub me, you sick disgusting freak?” 

5.

Jerk: "Come on out and show yourself, McGyver, or I'll shoot your friend here. And you know I'll do it!"

McGyver: "Go ahead! He's bald anyway.”

4.

911 operator: "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"

Man: "I'm in a public restroom. You gotta get me the fuck out of here!”

3.

A Police detective is close to retirement and is having dinner with several coworkers.

Retiring Detective in a somber yet slightly wistful tone:

"Throughout my career I've been asked to investigate many strange and unusual people."

Sargent Bigsby from across the table while slicing the roast beef on his plate:

"Did you investigate yourself?"

2.

Cyrano de Bergerac was standing before a judge in a French courtroom in which there was no jury because it had been determined that nobody was his peer.

Judge: “These murders have been the worst and most grisly crimes that this court has ever presided over. I'm only happy to sentence you to 700 lifetimes to be served consecutively. What could possibly have compelled you to commit such atrocious and monstrous acts?”

Defendant de Bergerac: “They called me Cyrano de Booger-hack.”

1.

Doctor: “Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, I have good news and bad news about your daughter’s condition after the accident.”

Mrs. Sawyer (crying): “What is it?”

Doctor: “The good news is she’s dead.”

Mr. Sawyer: “What the fuck? How could that be the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “She’ll never be able to walk again.”

Robot Fog’s Second Shorts

 Robotic Shorts Inside Your Head

16.

The issue I have with the television show “Serial Killer with Piers Morgan” is that the serial killer didn’t do his fucking job and ice the freak.

15.

I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride home making obscene gestures to other drivers. I was ahead of schedule so maybe I need to reconsider my priorities.

14.

List of dicks:

Dick Dryver (drives like a dick) ((also drives a dick switch))

Dick Byker (Rides a Motorcycle like a dick)

Dick Dawdler (waits 15 minutes to take a perfectly good right hand turn on a red light or stop sign despite there being no vehicle approaching from the left) ((also owes me $7,000 for making me use so many words with which to describe their sin))

Dick Jerker (jerks it for half an hour when a red light becomes green)

Dick Waddler (waddles in the middle of a parking lot blocking innocent people who are looking for a parking spot) ((also wanders in the middle of the shopping aisle preventing others from freely going about their business)) (((also owes me $7,000)))

Dick Blower (uses their horn inappropriately)

Welcome to dickworld, clodhoppers.

13.

Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough to have sex. If it is, make your heart get a goddamned job.

12.

If you don't want to be seen naked with a goat, pull the damn shades down.

11.

I'm too tired and lazy to write out every curse word when I post or comment so I am asking you each to imagine every single post or comment with such cursing that your ears tremble. Or eyes. Since you're reading and not hearing unless you have some insane neurological condition that causes you to actually hear what you are reading.

Please add 1000 curse words to this post for accuracy.

11.

Receive a text alert after every bowel movement so you'll know exactly how full of shit you are.

10.

The only solution to hair loss is removal of the head.

9.

“Live long then fuck off and die.” 

- Rude Spock

8.

To live outside the bra

You must be bra-less

7.

What’s up with these dunderheads what run the Federation of Planets and Starfleet? They’ve had phasers forever but haven’t created clothing or devices to absorb or deflect phasers fired at people who may expect to be fired upon.

The crew is also seriously inept at preventing espionage. When some whacko is running about the vessel damaging the controls and causing direct harm to people they never use a transporter to beam the loser into a holding cell. I’d beam the whacko into space. They also can’t grasp the concept of transporting crew members out of damaged areas of the ship.

Just what the hell is there to look forward to in the future?

Except possibly transporting food from your plate to your mouth so you can use both hands to read an iPad while eating.

6.

The safest room in the house is the one with the safe.

5.

If I were Superman, I’d smash every single computer on this planet. Then I’d mess with earthworms’ DNA so the planet could be run by a normal species.

4.

This is a certifiable fact:

While alive Rush Limbaugh could truthfully say, "I didn't join the military because my ass had a hole in it."

3.

Frank Dicklehead, Nippleless Rage, Farton Stink, Big Frankelow, Guppy Shoestring, Nipplelips N. Rage, Goober Hamstring, Danny Blowhard, and Grick Sharpton each awoke that day in the form of scrambled eggs...

2.

The stupid Lone Ranger keeps yelling at his horse. This morning he was screaming, "Hi yo, Silver" and the horse finally got pissed and yelled back, "Stop calling me that, you freak! My name is Horace Aquinas, the third.”

1.

Humans are the skid marks of the universe.

Jack Humans 4th Shorts

 Same as the 1st shorts but without the drool stains.   

7.

I'm old. So I'm going to take a nap. When I awake, I'll be older, so I'll need another nap.

6.

As many of you know, I have a 2nd job delivering urine for upscale clientele.

This morning I had my first delivery job in a while. I’m not making as much as I thought I would be so I probably won’t be purchasing a second home.

This morning the client insisted on coming along with me and questioned every decision I made concerning how to carry the urine. I probably should have jumped out of my car while driving and shouted, “Deliver your own urine!”

Clients are a headache. But urine is important and the proper handling of it is essential 

If not existential.

5.

If you think smoking tobacco won’t kill you then why don’t you ask yourself where everybody is who smoked tobacco in 1911. They’re gone, aren’t they? Where? Dead. Along with everyone who ate chicken legs and everyone who wore leather shoes. Is that what you want? No? Then stop living like people who lived in 1911.

4.

I feel pretty bad. I was driving earlier and hit some people as they walked across the street. As I was laughing, I saw a squirrel run out into the road a bit and I yelled at it, “Get out of the road, you jerk!”

There was no reason to insult the squirrel. No reason at all. I probably will go to bed without dinner. I hope the squirrel is doing okay. I can be a better person.

3.

Dan Diarrhea was running late...

2.

I was born.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I was forced to watch an episode of “Blue Bloods”...

I weep.

1.

Show me someone I don’t want to punch and I’ll show you someone I’ve never met.

Then I’ll punch them. And you.

Jack Human’s Third Shorts

 Jack Human’s Third Shorts

Bring a bottle. I ain’t providing one.

By Jack Human

In reverse order:

30.

For God so despised the world and the people inhabiting it he allowed Hollywood to create entertainment that would cause the population to yearn for hell.

29.

[Fiary - a diary that is destined to be burned.]

Dear Fiary,

I discovered that putting peanut butter on a cookie makes it go down more smoothly.

28.

theme = "Alcohol is a serial killer"

Form = poem, song, essay.

Now, I would like one of you to do this and have it finished by Sunday morning. And, I want it with - feeling.

27.

I hope this fluid coming from my urethra is urine. Maybe I should post a photo of it

26.

I search for a hole in my head from which I can escape.

25.

Peanuts & butter do not equal peanut-butter

By the way, another way to express “not equal” is “!=“

Peanut-butter != (peanuts & butter)

24.

Krohnald Bumtung was hungry. He was a grotesque monstrosity who had escaped being slaughtered as a young vicious slug licking butt leech by inhabiting the minds of uneducated simpletons across a wasteland of willful unholy ghouls and dispersing his special brand of horrendous subhuman incompetency in a completely ineffectual attempt to make his mark in a world which considered him the most vile of vomited fecal matter...

23.

Dear Diary,

I am writing on you or, possibly, in you. I’m uncertain. I suppose while you are open, I am absolutely writing ON you, and I suspect that this notion cannot be refuted. Once I close you however, my written words will be INSIDE you. Alas, this is a conundrum the likes of which have been long unknown to me. Or is it myself, or I? I’m kidding. It is ME. 

Having become confused and a bit guilty over whether my writing on and/or in you, is, in fact, a physical assault and hence, a criminal offense, please excuse me for touching you as I will be doing when I attempt to wipe the evidence of my presence off you.

22.

The guy at the doctor’s office asked me to confirm my birthdate as 1958.

So I said, “that’s not right. What kind of a fucking psycho would be born in the 1950’s?”

Turned out the guy was the janitor.

21.

Alligators ate my leg despite the fact I was on a jet plane 30,000 feet in the air at the time.

20.

I've been considering suicide but I know how wrong it is because it's taking work away from somebody else. I'm handy with a wrench but if I have issues with my plumbing, I call a professional plumber. There are many skilled people out there who need the work. Killing myself will deprive them of making money and feeding their families.

When I say "families" I mean "families" plural. I figure people who murder for a living probably aren't concerned over small things like bigamy

19.

Nothing goes better with eggs than sperm. So guess what the early bird special at my diner is today!

18.

On many true crime shows the police interrogators have rolls of toilet paper on the table during these murder investigations we've been watching.

I'm thinking Kleenex is probably too expensive for these communities so the police just steal TP from the crime scene for the murderer to fake cry in.

I wonder if they ever have to send someone around pulling toilet paper out of the hands of people about to wipe. Like, YOINK, "excuse me! We have a murderer to break and I need this!"

"What the hell! How am I supposed to wipe?"

"Shut up! We have a crime to solve!"

17.

Janeen contacted Jerry and told him her husband, William, was a member of organized crime, a drug dealer, and would quite often wear a plaid jacket over a plaid shirt.

It was the plaid on plaid which convinced Jerry to commit the hit on William.

16.

Great news! I've created a pair of underwear that has a USB port for charging smartphones and other small electronic devices.

15.

I'm going to walk around kicking over trees this weekend then I'm going to clean up a skyscraper really well so birds fly into it.

14.

Since I became pro-life, I've been going around knocking the condoms off of fornicators.

13.

Peeling hard boiled eggs is a serious hassle. I don’t like hassles and I no longer bother lifting my underwear up higher than my ankles either. I don’t even waste time swallowing cool drinks once I pour them into my mouth.

I stopped walking to the bathroom when I have a bowel movement. Why the hell should I waste my energy on such trivialities? Sure, I’ve been suspended from my job, but so what? In fact, I’ve decided that not only is peeling hard boiled eggs a hassle but so is boiling them in the first place.

Lifting my eye lids just to see is a hassle too. So is using my vocal chords when I open my mouth to speak.

Crap! Writing this declaration is such a hassle, I have no idea how to ...

(Addendum: My underwear has since left me. It said I let it down once too often. It also said I stink.)

12. Horror Story #2

I was in the restroom at work hiding because that's what I do in there, when someone comes in and starts gagging and coughing. I'm thinking, "Shit, I hope they don't die. I don't want to have to jump over the body. I might touch it by accident."

I couldn’t see the person, but he spit in the sink and then washed his hands. Then he used the urinal and left without washing his hands.

Sensing he was gone, I went to wash my hands because that's what I do with my hands when I’m finished peeing on them, and I could see bloody sputum in the sink he used.

I don't know why I even had to be born.

11.

I'm changing my name to Botulism and am moving to Canada to live with the Doodlebops.

10.

As a vetrinarian, I can tell you that I don’t know how to pronounce ‘veterinarian’.

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9.

If your underwear is too dangerous for you, take control of your damn underwear!

8.

I decided to be like Jesus and I went to a bingo game at a church and knocked over the table from which the balls are drawn.

I hadn't foreseen the results of this action as a crowd of 200 old people immediately jumped up to race toward me with the intention of beating me to a pulp.

I hadn't moved since I knocked over that vile sinful table and I was feeling proud of myself thinking Jesus would be happy, when ten minutes later, the first wave of the mob crossed the six feet separating us, caught up to me, and I realized I should have ran.

7.

I brought my car in for service because the engine light was on. The mechanic said the car just a valve issue and they have to order the part. He assured me it wasn't serious and the car is safe to drive.

When I opened the door, the car exploded. The mechanic told me, "The door, on the other hand, may be a problem."

6.

I’m starting my 3rd production company. Now, along with the successful NecropR0n Productions and Jump Cuts Productions, you all will thrill at the magnificent Shitty Filters Productions. That’s SFP for those who can’t read anything other than letters.

Shitty Filters Productions will create movies, television shows, and ads that are filtered in order to prevent our audiences from having to be distracted by actors and sets that are visually clear. This way we can encourage the viewer to imagine what may be occurring onscreen while they quit trying to pay attention and begin wondering what they will feed their kids for dinner.

Shitty Filters Productions may not be the first, but we intend to be the best at making you, our customer, know what it is like to have cataracts.

5.

Jim finally told Bill that something had been eating at him for weeks. Bill pointed out the coyote attached to Jim’s leg.

4.

One in three deaths is caused by dying.

3.

Today when I was driving, I seen a sign what says, “No parking on either side of street”, so I parked in the middle and bought my drugs there.

2. 

A support customer called me because his email didn't work. He talked over me for a few minutes and finally said "I'm not connected to the internet"

And this is why I support gun control.

1.

I've made it my mission to wear underwears what doesn't have no leg holes.

Any hole in a underwears only serves to weaken and undermine its purpose. Therefore, the most perfect underwears in the universe will not have any leg holes or any kind of opening at all. They will be entirely sealed and impenetrable from within and without.

In addition to the general health benefits of perfectly formed no-holes underwears, squirrels and other rodents will be discouraged from entering the garment thereby reducing the odds of gunplay in that area.

Sunday Surprise

Sunday Surprise

I turned on the TV

early one morning

A man came on

Moaning and groaning -

“I need your help

send me your money.

I want to build a world

made of milk and honey.”

How to tell if he

meant what he said?

I blinked my eyes

and shook my head.

Wouldn’t you know

he was on again

and before you could pray,

he’d taken me in.

He said, “Peace & love

are a rotten lie.

Follow me or else

your soul will die.

And anyway,

I need a new kitchen.

So send your money

my palms are itchin’.”

I was thinkin’ twice

about his line

then he said something

to change my mind.

He explained about art

‘cause it’s all evil

showed me what it’s done

to all the people.

He said, “look at the world.

It’s all wrong.

I’ve got a plan

to make it strong.”

He told me to avoid

Muslims, atheists, & Jews.

He said God don’t grant

the right to choose.

He wrote a book,

40 dollars a print,

it tells you what

the bible really meant.

It tells about earth

it tells about heaven

it tells you to vote for him

in the next election.

He told me to fear,

told me not to talk,

told me that God almighty

was watching my clock.

I put down my beer

I was getting scared

I just about jumped

right out of my chair.

Well, I went out

bought his book

showed him my soul

so that he could look.

He asked me to give

until I was broke

then he ran off to live

with the Holy Ghost

My Underwears

My Underwears

 

Hi, My name is Smike Mansmell and I want to share My Underwears with you.

I became a severe crackhead until I found God who refused to provide me with more crack unless I obtained the moral imperative that would enable me to coerce people better than myself to live within the confines of my personal belief system. God taught me how to lie to a bank to gain the funds which enabled me to open a manufacturing facility to mass produce a quality and much needed product I call My Underwears.

My Underwears are made from the toughest non-biodegradable materials and are designed with a safety device which expels flames at the slightest indication of a breach. My Underwears guarantees the absolute safety of the wearer.

According to the FDA, the WHO (the band and not the World Health Organization), those two kids I purchased beer for, and all scientists who agree with me, My Underwears is the best protection against infection, disease, and unwanted sexual advances for asexuals ever created in the entire history of the universe.

As is well known and has been thoroughly agreed upon by myself, My Underwears will create a clean local personal atmosphere around the wearer. Air, furniture, and even the clothing worn over My Underwears will be entirely clear of odor and particles of extraneous defecants (a word created just for this product) as well as non-contaminated with cells generally expelled by the filthy human groin.

My underwears is affordable and is the only product that will provide you with protection and dignity. Our flame enhanced decontamination system has the highest rating ever provided by the CDC.

So, if you are a decent person who desires to leave no trace of defecants or groin germs in what might be a beautiful planet if only it lacked a human presence, order My Underwears now!

Order now and receive a free pair of My Underwears for the low price of $170.00 that contains an unbreakable locking device for anyone you know who is in dire need of My Underwears but refuses to wear them.

Thanks to My Underwears and the filthy groined customers in need of it, I was able to create a successful business which allowed me to purchase and influence politicians of low moral character. God loves me, Man!

Order now! If you have neither the time nor the inclination to do so, My Underwears will happily apply a charge to your credit card for you!

877-myundys.

Miserable Poemetricle Shorts

 Numbered in reverse order: (according to the amount of pain they inflict)

11.

Sunlight soothes my eyes

A warm wind calms my nerves

For God’s sake, make it stop!

10.

I live today

I breathe today

Today is not the best of days

9.

Get a grip

Inject your lip

Here’s a tip

Don’t slip

Don’t flip

Don’t drip

you ain’t hip

8.

the exiter

people come, people go

or, as they say,

"you can be replaced"

on and off the stage

like players in a play

speaking lines of hello-goodbye,

people come, people go

and of course,

"you can be replaced".

but, if you're good,

if you're really really good,

you will leave an empty space

You sons of bitches

7.

One pill makes you swallow

Another pill makes you fall

And the ones the dealer sells you

Throw you up hard against the wall

Don’t take any meds with malice

Unless you want your brain to stall

6.

One snowflake

two snowflakes

three snowflakes

Snow Snow Snow is all I see

man this snow is thrilling me

5.

I am a bonehead

my head is thick with bone

if it weren't for other boneheads

I would truly feel alone

4.

Satan smells like a bad burrito.

Almonds make me cry. 

Dire Straights won't play my town. 

Orange is an edible color.

A plane flies overhead thru swamps of clouds. 

Tarantulas live for the day they are to be eaten. 

Monkeys don't lie. Buffalo don't fly.

Shamu, the killer whale, is a guy. 

Towels can sting your eye. 

Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye

3.

2.

Do what you have to do

Do what you need to do

Do what you want to do

How do you do?

1.

He wasn’t you

You were him

He’ll never know you

You do know him

He is fortunate

More so than I